After dark

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I was just wondering about people’s opinions on this. Primarily people who have teenage girls. My daughter is 13, we live in a town, average size. She says we are overly strict, because we want her to be home before dark. She tells us that she’s the only one of her friends that has to come home Before dark on weekends. Unfortunately in the winter that’s around 8 o’clock. In the summer, she can stay out until 9.30-10. We are not sure what to do and how to comprise as it is causing many arguments.

Yes but they allow their kids to stay out later. This is the problem.

but you have been saying the entire time that it is your DD saying “everyone” is allowed to stay out late

now you’re saying… it’s a fact?

Thank you. We have always tried to be the house that the kids come to and they did last year but most of the people she hangs out with live in the other side of town and are new friends now she has moved up to secondary school.

op what are these very young teens doing whilst they’re out late?

I know the parents of two friends she has that allow their kids to stay out till 9.30 in winter. The other children she sees in that group we have meet (when they have occasionally come to our house) but I don’t know their parents. She says the other people in the group she hangs out with are all allowed out later. I have told her I don’t believe this is true and very few kids at 13 are allowed out after dark in the winter.

I have no reason to think this specific group are doing anything bad. We also don’t live in what I would class as a rough area. I just don’t want her out after dark.

so you don’t know

have you ever asked your daughter what her friends do out late?

Before dark in mid Dec will be 4pm.
I think you need to find a way to be comfortable with your teenager being out of the home.
It depends what they're doing.
Who they're with.
Availability of transport.
Maturity.
Trust.

Don’t know what? These are not bad kids. There is nothing to suggest they are doing anything other than hanging out. No local reports of anything happening with groups of kids. I am simply trying to find out what other parents of 13 year olds do in terms of curfews. Nothing more.

I assume you don’t live in the uk. Here it is dark before 5 in winter!

what are 13 year olds doing whilst they’re out when all shops have closed, they can’t go in to any bars, they’re not at the cinema

you mean to say you haven’t ever asked your daughter what they do or what she would envisage doing if she was out at this time?

and clearly we’re all…. wtf…. no!

Yes of course. She says they just hang out usually outside. I would prefer her to be in my house or someone else’s house though.

my son is 13 in two weeks and he is only allowed to go to our local college with a football pitch and definitely no hanging around on the streets.

my girls are 16 and 17 and even now i wouldn't allow it.

sleepovers, shopping trips yes but out in the street - never.

hanging around for hours in the dark

not a chance i’d allow this

Last winter this didn’t come up. This only came up in the last few weeks as it has gotten darker so she wants to stay out later and we are saying no.

same here

wouldn’t even allow my 16 year old to be out on the streets / parks until 9.30pm

not that they’d want to be! 😆

Look this has only happened in the last few weeks. In the summer it was different. It was daylight and they hung around at the college in the sports areas and the park near the college and then came home. Now it is starting to get darker she wants to stay out later as her friends are allowed to (as I said in my previous post I don’t know how many of them are actually allowed to stay out later but I know of at least a couple who are). So far I have said no but I am asking opinions on it.

My 13yr is 8:30/9pm weekdays and 9:30/10pm weekends. But I do drive him and collect him wherever he is. I wouldn't be happy about him walking home alone in the dark.

Occasionally he will ask to stay out later but I think that's late enough for his age.

Hi, I never usually comment, but I wanted to in this instance.

I don't think your timings are particularly bad. My 15 YR DD has to be home at 9 on a school night (summer or winter) and 10.30 on a weekend.

I use Live360 app so I can see where she is, and usually she's at a friends house, she gets a lift by their parents or she is home earlier with her friend.

Occasionally she has short walk home but I make her come home earlier if she is walking home alone and I ensure she can call us if she feels scared for any reason.

When she was 13, I think it was maybe an hour earlier.
I think you know your child - some are sensible, some are 'street safe' and some are totally naive and not very sensible. Whilst I appreciate all children are vulnerable!

Others can judge but it is hard getting the balance right to make them feel trusted, and equals to their friends.

I was a child who was made to come home earlier and was punished for being 10 minutes late by being grounded. I hated it.

Me and my daughter have a very open relationship and talk about everything and anything! - that being said, I'm no pushover and no means no!

Do what feels right to you, and have safety measures set up like live360, tell her to text when she's leaving, keep your phone on loud and you can always call her if she has a short walk home.

Thanks. This is really good advice. We do have live 360. Unfortunately, most of her friends live on the other side of town so she does generally walk home on her own. This is OK in the summer, but as the nights are starting to draw in we’re not happy about it. She is allowed to have sleepovers, but her best friend is allowed out later than she is so that is becoming a bit of a problem. I am trying to compromise with her in a way that works like her having friends over here, and having her own space etc.

If you're sure they're all just chatting and not misbehaving then I don't see the problem. The dangers that we worry about in the dark are still there when it's light.
When I think about it from a safety perspective I'd rather mine walked at least part of the way home with friends than completely on their own. As a teenager I had to walk home on my own to be in by 9:30 when all my friends could get the bus home at 10.

Cross posted with the walking alone. Could you compromise and pick her up?

Yes that would be fine if she wanted to hang out at someone house but her friends don’t generally go home until 9.30. As I said this was ok at weekends in the summer. For example, last night she wanted to stay at her best friends house and we said that’s fine. Will drop you off. And she said no my friend is not at home, she’s not gonna be home until 930 so can I just meet her in town and we said no, you’re not hanging around in town and then walking to her house at 9:30 in the dark. When we said it’s not appropriate for 13-year-old to be hanging out in town in the dark she then argued that all of her friends are allowed to and we are too strict blah blah blah blah blah. I tried to compromise and say your friend (with the others) could come to our house, but she said no. We have had discussions about being out after dark before but has only come to a head recently as it’s starting to get darker earlier. Last winter it was not an issue as none of her friends were allowed out after dark.