To check or not to check…

[whatwouldtheydo]

My DD is 15 and we have a good relationship. She appears to be open about most things. Mobile phones are taken at bedtime and put on charge with no bother. I check it sporadically after a serious bout of bullying in year 7/8 (she was the victim) but have just realised she has changed the passcode. She mostly uses Snapchat now so message disappear anyway but do you still check your 15 y/o phone occasionally? Or is it now an invasion of privacy? She is a good kid but I worry about others mostly.

I’d love to hear different opinions.

Thanks

She's 15! Why are you taking her phone at night time?!

No I wouldn't check. I wouldn't take the phone overnight either. Especially not in the school holidays.

Yes it’s a huge invasion of privacy. It’s also very odd to be taking it at night time in my opinion. She’s 15 not 5 and needs to start learning to be an adult. Part of that is being given the privacy and respect to have control over her own belongings.

No I wouldn't unless I had concerns and would talk about it first. I was working and paying for my own phone at 16, so not much older and my parents would have had no right

Just talk to her on a regular basis about life, friends etc. Not necessarily direct questioning on things, just conversationally. If you’re already doing that and showing you can converse naturally because you’re interested in her life as a person, there’s not much more you can do.

Too old to be taking her phone imo. She sounds a sensible child who could tell you if anything untowards was happening re: bullying.
Education about online grooming/bullying etc is a better option to taking her phone, again, imo.
From a young age, I've always spoke to my children about online threats and they'd tell me to come and see the 'crazy', if someone was being weird on their online games etc.
Trust her to come to you if she needs you, let her try being responsible for herself. Keep communication open about news stories and bad things that have happened so she's comfortable to speak to you knowing she won't be in trouble.

i never took my DC's phones at 15, it was their responsibility to make sure they were charged etc. My DC had phones with the proviso that i could ask at any given time to look at them! I never once looked at them.. i asked a couple of times to have their phones and they willingly handed them over, and i simply handed them back without looking, it was enough for me that there was a willingness for me to have it that there was nothing on there i wouldn't like. At 15 your DD probably is now messaging boys, so rather than look at her phone have an honest and open chat about the pitfalls of sexting etc and sending photos.

I dont think Mumsnet is the best place to check, I find parenting very permissive on Mumsnet. 15 is not an adult.

Another vote for not checking and not taking it off her overnight either. I think her changing the passcode is a clear signal that she needs her privacy now

Dd is 16. I have never looked at her phone. I definitely wouldn’t have by the time she was 15. I’m not ‘permissive’ just I wouldn’t look at her diary either. She does tell me things though.

She is still a child at 15 so I agree with the no phone at bedtime, you're protecting her from possible harm, as any parent should. Do you have an agreement that you can check occasionally? If so, you could ask her if there's a specific reason that she's changed her passcode

You say that but do you know how many of these teens are up till the early hours on their phones not getting any sleep and you wonder why this generation are so depressed and 'anxious' . Yes obviously it does sound too much but they need a break from these bloody phones because alot of these kids have phone addiction. I wish I could have pulled off taking their phones at 15 at night.. instead I would be shouting and screaming off your phones and get sleep now !!

Dd also tells me about the exploits of friends who are the ones who have very strict or restrictive parents and so tend to hide things from them.

DS is just 16, I haven't checked or policed any of his devices for years. We have never had a phone curfew

I agree with others, she's too old.
I checked my children's phones with their knowledge and insisted on leaving downstairs at night for a couple of years, from around 11-13.
I felt that that was the right age for us to address issues about phone usage.
I understand you are worried about bullying, but I think it would be better to trust her and yourself to be able to work things out should the need arise, without scrolling through her phone.

No I didn't check my dc's phones at that age. Just talked to them about online safety and insisted they answered my calls and texts since I was the bill payer.

one of my daughters had a diary/journal and if there was something she wanted me to know she would leave it on her bed open for me to read. even then i never read it but we had a conversation about how i hadn't read it but would she like to talk to me about it.

i'm not a permissive parent either, i just feel growing up is hard enough for children nowadays with needy and nosey parents

No but becoming an adult is a gradual process. It doesn't suddenly happen on the day of their 18th birthday. They need support through the gradual steps on the way, not control.

Sorry just to add I don't agree with checking the phone.. I think.taking the phone off them is good for the purpose of a break not to check it.

Thanks for your replies. Especially those who acknowledged what I had asked. If you read my post back you will see that I was asking about checking the phone, not taking it at bedtime.

Since giving them a phone, we have always taken it out of their rooms at night. They are still children and need sleep or they suffer the next day. During the holidays they tend to get to bed between 10 and 12, unless having a sleepover when all bets are off. On school nights they're in bed by 9:30/10. They are up every day at 6 am for school. I know this would be a struggle if they were scrolling all night, they have plenty of that during the day. Their phone use isn't restricted in any way apart from when they need to sleep. They have friends who are allowed their phones at night and have been known to message at 3 am. Those of you who allow constant phone use should maybe check your kids aren't doing the same. As someone who had few boundaries as a teen, I struggled at school and though I was a good kid, I fell behind and barely scraped a few exams. My DD is doing really well at school and know it’s in part due to support and guidance at home.

Each to their own. I guess posting on here was never going to be all that constructive!

Let me offer a supportive opinion - you sound like a fantastic parent, and I highly encourage the phone downstairs. They have the rest of their lives to get addicted to their phone, even the most well adjusted individuals can succumb to the allure of the dopamine algorithms (or worse) - and getting a good night’s sleep is far more important!

Yes she’s a child if still have a quick glance occasionally.

Because she is too young to know when to stop using it and scrolling constantly online is not healthy.

I don't take my 15 year old's off him as I never set this out as a policy and feels too difficult to make that change now but I really wish I had!

I could not agree more. We have a no phones overnight rule for both my 15 and 13 year old. This was not something we had to navigate growing up and I hate that my kids do.

I believe it’s called parenting, or something like that?