To check or not to check…

[whatwouldtheydo]

My DD is 15 and we have a good relationship. She appears to be open about most things. Mobile phones are taken at bedtime and put on charge with no bother. I check it sporadically after a serious bout of bullying in year 7/8 (she was the victim) but have just realised she has changed the passcode. She mostly uses Snapchat now so message disappear anyway but do you still check your 15 y/o phone occasionally? Or is it now an invasion of privacy? She is a good kid but I worry about others mostly.

I’d love to hear different opinions.

Thanks

I disagree with all of these posts.

phones are the fucking devil, you’re doing the right thing OP. Keep taking her phone.

re: checking, I think it depends on your child and the circumstances.

I also take my teens phones at night, I find it hard enough to stop scrolling so it’s all phones downstairs at 10pm.
I don’t read any of their messages but I do like to keep an eye on the tik toks and those of their friends.

I think it's great you take her phone overnight she needs to rest and sleep not be scrolling all night. But I don't think you should look on it if she chats to you and seems happy that's all great

@Libre2 👏 spot on

@whatwouldtheydo I know it was t your question, but I think you're doing the right thing taking the phone at night, it's too easy to just keep scrolling! 👍🏻

as for checking, I don't think it hurts to keep an eye, even at 15. You don't need to read every message

I think you should just ask her and see what she says, let her know that if she needs to talk about anything you are there for her.

I know you didn't ask but the no phones at night thing.. I'm with you on this, I didn't even allow mine to have smart phones or social media until they left school.
Bullying seems so much worse with all of the apps that can be used out of school and Instagram can give teens really bad self esteem issues. I'm glad I kept mine away from it for as long as possible.

Snapchat is default for messages to disappear after 24 hours not immediately. At 15 you absolutely should be checking what messages are coming through her snapchat. As an adult snapchat user, men do not check how old a person is before sending unsolicited pics and you absolutely need to make sure her settings are secure that no one can send her messages without being added as a friend first.

All these parents saying it's invading her privacy would be baying for blood when a 50 year old man was grooming their 15 yo daughter on Snapchat but they didn't check her phone.

Your daughter might be responsible but she's not the problem.

Do you have an understanding about you being able to check her phone?

if you do I'd be asking why she's changed her passcode & not given it to you.

if she wants to change your agreement she needs to talk to you, not just break her side of the agreement.

she might be a good kid, but they still do stupid stuff & still get drawn into shit situations.

mist if the mummies & daddies of kids involved in county lines would swear their little darlings would never be that stupid/vulnerable.

In answer to the original question.

Maybe - because one of the explicit terms for having the phone (at out expense) was that I must have all passwords and the ability to check activity until age 16.

In practice, I rarely checked. I had control of their settings, and put on an U18 age restriction on Safari, and occasionally looked to see who they were chatting to (recognised many names from school, deplored the way they spoke to each other, but left them to it as they'd be doing it in person as well anyhow).

What I did not find was any evidence of grooming, coercion, a substantial number of contacts who had no obvious RL connection, drugs or criminality.

Phones (potentially) give worldwide connectivity. It's not like reading a diary as that's private and not connected to heaven-knows-who. There are risks.

Absolutely agree with you OP.
No phones allowed in bedrooms here either. We also regularly check phones, and with good reason!
Some of the stuff we have seen on Snapchat is horrible! It's an app that purely facilitates bullying!
Teens need boundaries

My mum used to come in and take the book I was reading off me in the 90’s! How times have changed……

You sound like a 15 year old.

No I do not check but if I felt a need I would with their knowledge but no I would never check without them being aware at any age

Because she's 15 ...

Don't take her phone put screen time on if needed but come on she's 15

We had a rule that phones were left downstairs at night - so I agree with his part but I think checking her phone is a little intrusive.

I’d worry that at 15 she probably knows every hint, tip and trick to make sure you don’t see what she doesn’t want you to see.
Better to check it when they’re younger and keep lines of communication super open and remind them ‘if you wouldn’t want your Nanna to see it. Don’t send it’

Phone being away at night is a sensible rule.

Checking at this age is a bit tricky. Maybe a superficial check once in a blue moon should still be ok.

Have you had a conversation with her about why she changed the pin? That's the main issue here.

Yes, and as such, is very susceptible to doom scrolling, FOMO on messaging apps (having the "need" to read and respond to any messages), and thies being up til the small hours.and poor quality sleep.

OP I regard myself as a fairly permissive parent, and we have a 'downstairs at night' rule. I am horrified by how many middle of the night messages DD14 gets from friends, and think she sleeps better for not having the option to go on her phone. It also means she can 'blame' me for not being able to read and respond at 2am.

I don't check her phone often, but have in the past. I used to do so much more when she first had it. When she first got the phone I made it very clear to her that checking was going to happen intermittently. The closer she gets to 18, the less I'll check.

My 15 year old now has a job at the weekend, buys most of her own clothes and cooks dinner once a week.

It would feel wrong to read her phone.

We don't take phones over night but we do have an app that means no WiFi/reception for her and her brother (13) between 10pm and 7.30am during school terms.

I don't want them up till midnight messaging friends on a school night!

A lot of adults, including parents, find it hard to stay off their phones and make themselves put them out of their bedroom to charge at night. Anyone who thinks a 15yo is too old to be made to do this is kidding themselves. 15 year-olds' brains are still developing and often can't be relied upon to make good choices.

My 16yo ds said he's really glad we made him charge his phone downstairs at night. He says his friends are on their phones into the small hours. No wonder kids can't concentrate at school.

Why aren’t you? Apart from the dangers of the internet, especially social media in the holidays, how can you expect a 15 year old to limit their own usage of something that is addictive to adults, let alone children?

We had this situation - our agreement was we can have access whenever we want but we’d only check when asking them to hand over. We never checked secretly. Once DS had a passcode on WhatsApp so we said he’d broken the agreement so he either took it off or we took the phone - it’s a mutual trust thing

we also have everyone off phones actually an hour before bed - adults included. Makes everyone sleep better and with a DH who works in tech…..well there’s a reason parents in the tech industry are more restrictive with screens (we don’t allow any tech in their bedrooms at all and they’re 12&15 but I know the “progressive” parents will bay for my blood at that one).

We have the rule that I would never snoop but I can look if I ask. I do ask who contacts are on WhatsApp and Snapchat as some of her friends add strangers. Snapchat disappearing messages are to be left on (actually need to check the last one hasn’t been “forgotten”-again 🙄). But I haven’t felt the need to read messages since I had to check some allegations before fighting DDs corner in year 7.

You didn’t ask about taking phones, but I feel like I am constantly fighting against those whose kids are on their phone 24/7 so we have settled on phone plugged in downstairs during term time (weekends more flexible) and in the holidays she can usually have it over night unless she hasn’t done chores or is being a dick, as the being dick is assumed to be caused my being tired from being up to late on the phone. I wish I had done no devices upstairs tbh but DS was nowhere near as phone focussed as DD, gaming was our nemesis then. But tbh they are all so loud I can everything that is being said anyway!