To check or not to check…

[whatwouldtheydo]

My DD is 15 and we have a good relationship. She appears to be open about most things. Mobile phones are taken at bedtime and put on charge with no bother. I check it sporadically after a serious bout of bullying in year 7/8 (she was the victim) but have just realised she has changed the passcode. She mostly uses Snapchat now so message disappear anyway but do you still check your 15 y/o phone occasionally? Or is it now an invasion of privacy? She is a good kid but I worry about others mostly.

I’d love to hear different opinions.

Thanks

We have an agreement with the kids that we will never look at their phone without asking and we will only ask to see if we have any concerns. So far no checking has been needed. We chat regularly about online bullying, inappropriate stuff etc and I feel confident they'll come to us with any concerns.

We charge all phones downstairs at night and in fact we have a "no phones in bedrooms" rule that we also stick to. It really makes a difference for sleep - ours and theirs! In fact they mustn't look at their phones between 9pm and 7am (they are 15 & 17) and they understand and accept the rationale behind this.

I'm frankly horrified when I hear that my kids' friends have sent messages late at night - the same kids struggle to get up in the morning and are sleepy in class. I view this as poor parenting to have no boundaries around phone use.

We had no concerns about our children so we didn't check their phones. They've always talked to us a lot about what's going on in their lives and not pushed boundaries. They've never been obsessed with their phones either so we never made them leave them downstairs at night. They were often left in their school bag or blazer anyway.

If we had reason to be concerned, I'm sure we would have done things very differently.

Another advocate here for no phones in rooms overnight, including me. However, they often go to bed after me so i have to rely on them to respect my rules, and dd is often using her phone until 4am in the school holidays, and then leaving it outside her room until she wakes at 2pm, which completely misses the point!

In terms of privacy, i don't check their phones without their permission, but i do make it clear i want to know passcodes in case of any safeguarding concerns. For example, one day dd forgot her phone and went out without it, and then wasn't back home at the expected time so i used her phone to contact friends. I ask DCs to trust that i won't snoop for no good reason.

Despite the fairly 'hands off' approach to phone usage, DD does not appear to be learning and setting herself some healthy boundaries so i have some thinking to do for the new term.

I have my phone in my room, the fire brigade advised it. Best t I don't doom scroll, or look at it all tbh.

OP, I work in a school and I wish more parents were like you! So many kids are exhausted from being on their phones throughout night, to the detriment of their learning and behaviour. I believe that parents have an obligation to help their children set up a framework of good habits, including ones relating to phone use, and no phones overnight is an important part of this. A good night's sleep is crucial for teens.

I would also encourage parents to check their DC's phones, even at 15. It's not just about your child, it's about others who have access to your kid through their devices.

I haven’t looked at my 16 yo DD’s phone for a long time. Have never looked at her Snapchat unless she showed me something and even when I looked at her messages when younger there was never anything untoward. Since she developed anorexia (not related to phone usage) I have started checking for anything related to ED. Not messages over Snapchat. She’d tell me if there were any issues there and I check what I need to see through her iPad. She has never hidden anything from me and I know she has 2 Instagram accounts for example. As for her phone in her room, my 16 yo dd has always just gone to sleep rather than been on it all hours. During the pandemic she had virtual sleepovers with friends. They just stayed on FT all night and slept.

I definitely wouldn't check the phone of a 15 year old, it's an invasion of privacy. What she wants to say to friends is nothing to do with anyone else. You don't know everything about her, or everything she thinks about, or who she likes at school, or everything about her friends, and that's as it should be.

My children are older than that, but I haven't ever looked at their phones.

I take the phones of both my 16 and 17 year olds. They’re very grateful for the support I give them by ensuring they have downtime. I adhere to the same rules myself. They have my screen time password and I have control of theirs. All of our phones switch off by 10 PM and certainly no phones in bedrooms. It’s too tempting.

By tempting I mean too easy for them to lose precious sleep and they’re far more vulnerable to doing stupid things alone at night.

I’ve read vast amounts of research by psychologists, and removing phones at night is the number 1 recommendation.

Aa for checking her phone, I would recommend that you use this to develop your connection. I would say, ‘Hey, I noticed you’ve put a password on your phone. Is there any particular reason?’

Fall back on the research - I cover the key topics in my podcast - Go through the issues with sexting and sextortion on Snapchat, talking with strangers, drugs, etc, Say ‘I love you and I’m not trying to control you but it would be neglectful of me not to have honest conversations about the very real dangers.’

tell her your key objective is to help her develop healthy habits around her phone, and also to make sure she doesn’t become lured into something that could be life hanging or scarring. Watch her face carefully. If you suspect she has been doing something she knows she shouldn’t don’t shame her. Let her know that you will stand by her no matter what, but she needs to trust you for you to be able to help her.

Remember, these platforms (Meta, Snapchat) are currently battling numerous legal cases where they are being charged with failing to protect minors from real harm. You are being a great mum for taking real care and interest in what she’s doing.