Support thread for parents of depressed teenagers

[NoraLuka]

As per the title, does anyone think it would be a good idea to have a support thread for parents of depressed teens? Unless there already is one, but I haven’t found it.

DD2, 16, has been on Sertraline for a week, doesn’t leave her room except to eat and shower. Sometimes she doesn’t eat. Won’t speak to anyone except her sister who is leaving for uni soon. She’s had the Sertraline since early July but it’s taken until now to convince her to take it, and every day it’s a struggle to get her to take the meds. She’s already saying she doesn’t want to go back to school in September.

Nothing touches her, you can’t encourage her to do anything by promising rewards because she doesn’t care about anything, doesn’t even care if she gets better or not. I got her to start the meds by promising to stop nagging her to go and sit in the garden. I’m hoping as the effects kick in she’ll want to leave her room of her own accord. I am worried sick about her.

It’s difficult to talk to anyone about it because they don’t understand. The trigger for starting this thread was someone who said “I’d just make her get out in the fresh air, that will sort her out!”

This is by far the hardest part of parenting so far, and I was on my own for a whole winter with two under 2s in a small village!

There is this https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7
But that is anxious rather than depressed.

There is a Childrens mental health board, but no support thread there I don't think.

To give you hope however, I do have a thread on that board: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/child_adolescent_mental_health/4563059-so-proud-of-dd-there-is-hope

Really keep an eye in the early weeks of anti depressants as they can get worse before they get better.

MH is more important than school.

Hi, thanks for starting this thread, happy to be part of it. My DD1 is 16 next month and in the same boat except she won't speak to anyone to get as far as get diagnosed and prescribed anything. Thinks therapy would be useless and doesn't want to engage in ANYTHING. She's in the middle of legal action against her abusive dad and it's taking forever. She has a few friends and goes out very occasionally but other than that, in her room 24/7. I think she probably has PTSD. I've given up trying to make her come out as it makes her worse. She seems happier being left alone. It's soul destroying. Hopefully we can help each other through these tough times OP!

On the up side my dd is in a better state than this time last year, so thank heavens for small mercies!

My DD2, now 20, went through all this at 16. Suicicidal ideation, sertraline, CAMHS (eventually - they blocked for as long as they were able, resource prob I think). DD eventually stopped sertraline themselves as they didn't like it. Oh and they were diagnosed as autistic at same time and just now had ADHD diagnosis for which shortly to be starting meds if they are actually in a pharmacy somewhere in UK 🤷

I say this because although it might all sound like doom and gloom for 5 years, it's not all been so though a roller coaster. They got A levels and are at university. There's definitely been a massive improvement over time.

Hang in there - there can be light at the end of the tunnel!

@TeenToTwenties your thread is so encouraging - I hope your DD is still doing well.

@teenmaw DD also refused any kind of help for ages (over a year) I think you’re right about not trying to force her to go out, that’s the approach I’m going for at the moment too, as long as she takes her medication and goes to appointments. Also she has to keep her room clean, I am being absolutely zero tolerance about half eaten food lying around!

@RichieRich64 it’s nice to hear from someone with a slightly older child, I worry a lot about what kind of life DD will have in the future.

I bought DD a book yesterday and she saw it and smiled and said it was excellent. That’s the first positive reaction I’ve seen from her in a very long time so I’ll count that as a win!

My DD16 is clearly depressed at the moment, doesn’t want to leave the house and games and hangs out with online friends most of the time.

GP was useless and just referred her to CAHMS which is pointless, I don’t know what to do now as she hasn’t had a proper diagnosis (she has history of SH).

Im tempted to take her back to GP and demand some tests etc. not interested in meds if I’m honest and I doubt she’d take them anyway.

Ive touched on therapy but she doesn’t seem interested, really not sure what to do.

Sending hugs to all here. DD went through this after lockdown. She loved the lockdowns but couldn't handle going back to school afterwards. Ended up spending 16 months with no school place (yes that is illegal) much of which was lying in her room in the dark staring at the wall. Agree that threats and rewards just don't work, she was in too dark a place. I used to hire people to literally sit with her in the dark so she got some sort of company other than me. There's research from Japan about the idea of an undemanding friend which apparently helps.

It's been a long time, she's now 18 and she's missed GCSEs and A levels but she is coming out of it. I spend a lot of time getting her out of the house and doing something - anything. Unless I organise and scaffold it she will do nothing and the dark places are still beckoning.

I won't be waving her off to university as expected, but she has a supported internship for September which she is looking forward to and it is so much better than it was.

Hi I’ve been through this with Ds 18 and come out the other side thank God. He took a year off school. It was the only way of coping at the time. It’s not adversely affected him academically. Just started again at a new college afterwards to do further Ed. It’s incredibly distressing to be a parent in this situation and I’d honestly say you just need to make life as easy as possible for you both right now. Don’t put ANY expectations on your Dd, just give her tons of love and understanding. Listen if needed or just knock on the door and tell her she’s not alone. Offer anything which might spark a moment of joy - a tiny little gift, a cute story about the dog posted under the door, a ‘menu’ of choices for meals, anything you think she might smile at for a moment. But don’t ever ‘expect’ a response. What your doing is showing you’re quietly, constantly, unobtrusively there for her. Wait for the sertraline to take some effect - it can be 6 weeks or more sometimes. Just don’t be anything other than a rock for her. She CAN get better but she needs space and time. Think it helps too to explain that she’ll feel shit for a time, and that’s inevitable as she has depression but it’s treatable and she has lots to look forward to even though it’s impossible for her to visualise now. My Ds went through absolute hell I can tell you but my goodness he’s a better, kinder, stronger kid perhaps because of it.

@PeachLurker This might be a silly question but is your DD unhappy? I’m asking because my DD1 was similar at 15/16 - wouldn’t go out willingly and never wanted to meet friends in real life, but spent hours chatting to them online, gaming and reading. She was happy like that though, and has grown out of it now at 18. I did constantly try to make her go out for exercise if nothing else. DD2 won’t go out but it’s because she’s not interested in anything, not because she actually likes being in her room.

@Igmum DD loved lockdown too, although she wasn’t depressed then. She loved wearing a mask so she could hide behind it. She’d probably still be wearing one now if it wouldn’t draw too much attention! The supported internship sounds good, if she’s looking forward to it that sounds like an encouraging sign?

@Pippyls67 yes to small moments of joy, that’s what I’m aiming for at the moment. There was a point when my main communication with DD was sending her cute photos of the cat! I’m not in the UK and really don’t want DD to miss school because the system here means it will be very difficult for her to get back on track. Not impossible, but very difficult. I think I’d be more relaxed about missing school in the UK because it seems more flexible in terms of being able to do GCSEs and A levels later at college.

@NoraLuka definitely an encouraging sign - and yes I send pictures and videos of our cats to DD too. It definitely helps those small wins

@NoraLuka yeah she is, there was a series of events which has knocked her for six, and she’s struggled to deal with it.