How would you deal with this?

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Dd recently turned 15, up until then we have had a very good relationship.
She had been hinting about wanting a birthday party for months and I was never going to agree to it as the house has just been refurbished. Then a couple of new friends (with troubled history) joined her friendship group and I reluctantly agreed to have her close friends over on her birthday (to keep an eye on them and prevent them getting hammered at the local park) and treated them to sushi and a couple of cocktails, unbeknown to me they had smuggled in 2 litres of vodka.

A few days later Dh discovered a pack of cigarettes in her school bag so we grounded her. The following day she mentioned having an after school club and would be back later which we agreed. As the day went on I became suspicious of this and emailed the teacher who advised she hadn’t been to the club. When I confronted her that evening she erupted with a load of expletives about me snooping on her and said she had been at a friend's house.

Next day was non eventful and then on the weekend I had a heart to heart about how worried we are about her. With the changes in her friendship group and they now think it’s normal to chug a litre of vodka while getting ready at someone’s house before going out for dinner. Then take more vodka out with them in water bottles and share the cheapest food on the menu while necking neat vodka. They have also started hanging out in a local park afterwards with older boys who smoke weed and she turns her location off and ignores any attempts from us to contact her. I ended up crying, she started crying, we both apologised and I thought it had sunk in.

That afternoon, she begged to go to one of her old friends' birthday dinners, she promised not to drink and would be home by 10pm. As this is an old friend and a nice girl I agreed. She went out, was a little late getting back but texted to advise there was a delay getting home and all was fine.

She had been using a shared family laptop and I decided to look at her activity and discovered a right can of worms. One of the new friends asked her to see if any of the older guys they had met in the park had an empty house they could go to and if they could bring weed. Another about needing an ambulance on a night out with too much vodka and weed. Sourcing multiple fake ids and using a parents paypal account to pay for them, WTAF!! Photos with them smoking joints. Drinking vodka in the park in school uniform. Videos of her and all the friends drinking at a friend's house when she was supposed to be at the after school club. Meeting the friend for birthday dinner was also nonsense, she had gone out for dinner and drinks with the other friends and blown out the old friend.

I decided to make contact with all of the girl's parents and make them aware of how they are all behaving as it's gone from a little bit risky to dangerous and some have too much parental freedom. That was a draining day of awkward conversations, some of them maybe thought I was nuts, some of them were also concerned.

I found it difficult to keep my shit together and lost it at dinner that evening, tried to grab her phone, don't know why it became about the phone but it did, we had a tussle, I almost rugby tackled her and she ran up to her room very upset with me. Dad went to console her and understandably I got told to F off..

Over the next 2 days I received pure hatred from her, to the extent I thought she was on drugs as her behaviour was so different to anything we have ever seen. Then she logged out of icloud and stopped sharing her location, bunked off lessons, went out after school and came home at bedtime and avoided contact with us, didn't respond to any calls/texts/whatsapp etc.

I called a meeting with the school, who claimed they were about to call me as they had also noticed a change in her behaviour. I attribute this to the change in friendship group and school just offered me tissues and took notes.

I called the Police for advice and was invited into the station to discuss my concerns and show them the photos and snap messages. They asked if I was worried about grooming or dealing drugs and said they would refer her details to social services to follow-up.

A few days later there was an afternoon event at school, while there I got a call advising she & 2 friends had been seen leaving school earlier in the afternoon and were nowhere to be found. They appeared before the event ended and got pulled in to talk to the head and write an apology. Dh lost his shit that night and grabbed the phone, which resulted in her running away from home. Her friends called her and I answered without saying anything for a while then told them she had run away and to send her home before I send the police to either of their houses. One of the friends parents called to update that she was indeed at their house and both girls would run away if I sent the police so I dropped her uniform and school bag off there to make sure she was sorted for the next day and safe that night.

School considered suspending them but have a safeguarding obligation to one of the girls which seems to render her exempt from any consequences. They did get the local Police team in to address the year group and then the smaller group of friends about dangerous behaviour and will be providing support in Y11, it felt like the end of term so it's over to you parents, have a nice summer....

We booked a last minute holiday to put some space between it all and see if we could rekindle some of the old ways. The day before we were due to go away she got caught shoplifting, from the day we went it was when are we going home? How long have I got to put up with all of you? There were the odd moments when she relaxed and it was nice but short lived and she was back on the phone and then arsey with us.

If you have read this far, thank you. I know I've maybe overreacted to some of the stuff and shouldn't have gone snooping but I also want to protect my Dd and get her through the last year of school without some life changing shite happening to her.

Social Services came to visit today and have offered to open up a case and support us as a family, she said its a waste of time as it was weeks ago. Given how her mood changes in a heartbeat I'm up for all the help we can get right now. What would you do?

She’s 15 and you allowed cocktails?

It sounds really difficult and I would accept anh help that is offered because it does sound like you have lost control of the situation, despite trying really hard to do all the right things.

Lots if teens go through rebellious phases and eventually come out the other side, but nobody wants it to be their child going through such a phase!!!

Have you had much luck talking to her about her future? If you can help her find a sense of purpose or ambition that can be a powerful motivator to help her reduce some of these negative behaviours. I think at 15 that desire to change needs to come from within her, and your role as a parent is to support her to see that, which is easier said than done. Try to step away from striving to control her behaviour and move towards understanding it in order to steer her away from it. That's how I would try to approach it. But it is so hard

Imo you skewed your own boundaries by supplying alcohol.. Blurred lines there op. Hard no to any drinking under age here.... Ask the local council for a drink /drugs awareness programme for young teens. Tell dd it's non negotiable or her phone is removed. Law says the bill payer owns the phone no matter who uses it. Ds was caught vaping after a brush with the law.... He attended 1 of 6. If the leader had been better he would have gone to all 6...

Sounds really tricky op.
I think it's fair to say that the relationship between you is damaged. It will take some serious work to build it back up again and for her to regain your trust, and you hers.

I think because there was snooping involved, she will feel like her privacy has been invaded. Teens should know the deal, that phones and bags will be checked randomly, and then it comes as no surprise. I know why you checked, but I can see that your dd will be furious about it.

I wonder if another open conversation with her explaining why you felt you had to do that will help to go towards repairing the relationship a little.

Will she spend time with you as an equal...doing something like an escape room, or cinema, or something that involves you spending time together but without having to talk about stuff.

You've managed as best as you can, and you're doing really well to try and protect your DD.

It's so hard parenting teens. Wishing you all the luck 🍀.

Sounds like the relationship is not in a good place.

There are definite limits in what school can do and realistically if she is drinking and spending time with people you consider a bad influence there is sod all they can do except keep talking to her. It's happening outside school, punishing her will not help the situation as it will simply make her worse.

Now that she knows she can simply leave if you try to control her again she holds the upper hand.

It is common for teens at this age to have periods of living with friends/other family because they are doing things their nuclear family disapprove of. School will have multiple kids in this situation.

You can't control her anymore. Punishments are now not going to work as she'll simply walk out.

You need to work on your relationship and on persuading her to stay in school. Ideally she'd find new friends but for the moment I'd focus on making home somewhere without punishments and shouting and supporting her to stay in school. If she has a college course she is aiming for that would help.

Firstly I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds incredibly stressful and upsetting. I went through similar years ago with my middle ds, he was 15 when it all kicked off too. I look back now and realise things hadn’t been quite right with him, and I had been oblivious, basically my eye had been off the ball. It’s easy to miss warning signs.

Anyway you are where you are. So now you tell her you won’t give up on her, and you will keep trying to stop her sabotaging her future. Accept help from SS, and try to access family counselling. Don’t lose hope. My ds is in his 20s now and a qualified radiographer working in radiotherapy. He’s a lovely young man.

Sending a handhold .... really this is awful for you all.

Don't panic. It's so hard because we parents feel like we have the weight of the rest of their lives intwined in every decision we make but this is just a phase. Her natural rebellion state ( some teens demonstrate it more acutely than others) has been exacerbated by the influence of her new 'friends'. Teen brain chemistry dictates that the influence of friends looms far larger in their decision making that us parents would like.
I think a really helpful thing for you to do right now is read up on teen brain chemistry and psychology. It really helps to get a handle on what you should worry about and what you will just have to step back from and let her make her own mistakes. The most important thing is that the relationship doesn't breakdown so far that it's not recoverable when she grows out of this. She will mess up and she will need your unconditional love as a safety net. Maintaining the relationship (and your own sanity) through this depends on your ability to not take it personally.
If you had a good relationship before, it will come back. Try to stay calm, keep your boundaries firm but pick your battles. All the best

Yeah I know, looking back its easy to see where we messed up and should have seen this coming.

We were relaxed about some drinking, under our roof, with us. Not getting trollied in the park and needing paramedics. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. A friend has given her a burner phone so any threats involving the phone seem pointless now.

Oh bloody hell. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you but just wanted to send a supportive hug to you because it all sounds shit.

Thanks for your reply, she will probably do OK in Y11 and sail on to 6th form but also has the potential to get derailed and it all go wrong. I like the suggestion of looking to the future and helping her to finding a sense of purpose/some motivation.

Looking at loads of posts on here I've created new household rules with the hope of reducing conflict and will try to pick my battles, take a deep breath.

Reading my post back it all seems a little Eastenders 😬So much happened in such a short space of time before it was emotionally and physically exhausting and affected my behaviour too, I'm normally pretty calm and logical.

Yep its damaged for sure.

I've had some very open conversations with her on holiday, some landed well others were brushed off as a lecture or she tried grilling me about my actions if she had been on calls with her friends prior. I think they all think I've lost the plot a bit and overreacted and have made me the enemy. As she can relax with us a bit and then be arsey as hell after talking to a particular friend.

She is happy for me to spend money on her, only calls me Mumma when she wants something 🙄I will look into an activity thing to try and forget all this stuff for a few hours and be together. Thanks for the suggestion.

Now that she knows she can simply leave if you try to control her again she holds the upper hand ......

Yes, this has certainly been threatened a few times since, to the point we almost laugh/call her bluff about it now. Go on then, where you gonna go next time etc etc. While feeling slightly sick that it could happen.

You need to work on your relationship and on persuading her to stay in school. Ideally she'd find new friends but for the moment I'd focus on making home somewhere without punishments and shouting and supporting her to stay in school. If she has a college course she is aiming for that would help....

I agree with all of this and need to find the resilience and patience to create this environment at home as I also have an 8yr old Dd who has thankfully missed quite a lot of the drama. I want to shield her from the impact of this situation. As someone else has suggested we need to help her work out her motivation and something to aim towards to get her back on the right path. Thank you for your comments.

Thanks for the hug, appreciated 🙂It's been shit for sure, can only get better right? PMA and all that ...

Thanks for this, you hit the nail there, I have probably taken a lot of it quite personally and as such overreacted as if I've been let down/lied to by an old friend.
I've just got a few books on Teens ready to go and am open to any other recommendations.
Is it wrong to say I can't wait for the next few years to fly by and hope that nothing catastrophic happens in the meantime?

I can also see the warning signs now but at the time missed them.

I've told her anything I've done is out of love and concern for her and trying to keep her safe, it gets an eye roll but at least its a reaction I suppose.

SS have offered both of us a 1-1 session and some mind mapping which I'm up for, she has said argh its gonna be a waste of time, only time will tell.

Sounds like your ds has done well for himself, I hope I can post something similar in a few years time 😊

We went through similar with dd then 14 -16 (now 17). Unfortunately in her case her risky behaviour ended up with her getting drugged and sexually assaulted. Obviously it was the man's fault-he was arrested-but she shouldn't have been where she was in the first place. (Which was not where she told us she was).
Looking back I would have a been a lot more hard line about her constant phone use, her going out, when, doing what and with who, and her friendship groups behaviour which was toxic towards one another and unpleasant to anyone not in the all important 'group'. That needed nipping in the bud a bit harder and I didn't do as well as I should have.

Following her assault we spent a horrible few months with her on suicide watch and with camhs 'help' which was useless. Eventually we got her private counselling and crucially we moved her to a different school (with her say so -the toxic group had turned on her good and proper).

Im pleased to say, touch wood, that she is now doing well. A nicer set of friends. Much calmer and making better choices around booze and her behaviour. There are still some bumps in the road here and there. We are in the process of getting her diagnosed with inattentive add, which might be some of the reason she couldn't cope with the jostle of the friendship group or say no to them when she needed to-and account for some of her more impulsive behaviour, but who knows?

The greatest issue we had was who she was hanging out with tbh.

I don't think I will ever fully relax about her, nor have I begun to process everything that happened. It aged me ten years. We have a fairly decent relationship now, with the odd row about her some times attitude and choices-I don't let as much slide now.

I hope you can reach your dd somehow before her behaviours get her in any trouble. I wouldn't wish what happened to my dd on anyone.

Wow, thanks for sharing what a nightmare situation you have been through. I was worried sick that something like this was about to happen to my dd hence my reaction to the situation.

I cannot begin to understand what you have been through and wonder what you would have done differently to nip things in the bud earlier on?

I massively regret ever giving her a phone (was to walk to school safely, the trouble it now causes) and slowly but surely allowing her to have apps on it and then a bit more screen time here and there and now finding its the centre of her universe that we can't police or she will just get one from a friend or threaten to run away, its mad, over a phone. As a baseline she agreed to have safe search on the browser and screen time until 11pm during the holidays to be reviewed in September, this was following all the recent dramas and seemed like a victory negotiating it, how sad does that sound as an adult 🙄

Somehow she has picked up the 2 worst girls in the year as her newer friends, they got kicked out of their old groups and are a little wild so she thinks they are fun, I get it but don't want her involved with them but am also powerless to stop it.

I would like her to speak to someone as I suspect she has issues with self belief and being able to say no as she is a people pleaser.

Good luck with the diagnosis and I hope your road becomes less bumpy 😊

i could have written this post. almost exactly the same situation and our dd has just at 19 been given add diagnosis. I am sure i missed things and my reaction to pushing boundaries involved a lot of shouting which i regret as it damaged our relationship. However, it came from worry as we knew she was putting herself in dangerous situations . Just try and keep a relationship with her going and be there when the toxic friendships break down as they usually do. In all honesty a lot of it is just being there until they mature but it is the hardest most awful thing to go through and I am always hyper vigilant waiting for more problems which understandably is annoying or her

Ah OP, a couple of cocktails didn't do this. Curiosity can be encouraged or extinguished depending on the friendship group - enough of them are up for experimenting, game on.
We all know shit things can happen, either because it did, to us/our friends, or because we read about it. But it doesn't always. She's 15, nearly at an age where you'd be allowing a bit more freedom anyway. I would suggest: open the lines of communication. She wants to drink alcohol - don't ban it, she can get it anyway as you've found out. Draw up some guidelines together, eg, clearly you will drink whether I say so or not, so promise me you will always tell me where you are, check in with me and tell me if it goes pear shaped. You can be both furious and accepting, the horse has bolted. And no, before it starts, I am in no way a 'cool mum' but my teenager is ace and I was a fucking nightmare. Pick your battles, keep her on side at all costs, keep her safe, make sure she knows where home is - I don't mean that literally, I mean it emotionally. And maybe discuss the pill... Sorry, not sorry

Op you are panicking and pushing her away. These things are, to a certain extent, all part of normal teenage behaviour... but you are dealing with it badly by flying off the handle every time she makes a mistake.

And this is the point, she is 15. She is going to make a lot of mistakes. Grounding her is going to push her away more. You need to brush up your communication skills and take a step back. Discuss with her a plan going forward - in regards to her social life and what she wants VS what you will/will not tolerate so you are both on the same page.

You cannot stop her drinking or smoking. You cannot stop her growing up and making her own mistakes. You don't have to tolerate rudeness, poor behaviour, her lies and disrespect. Expect the worst from her but help her enjoy her freedom in a safe and trusting way. She needs to know if she fucks up you will be there for her. She probably thinks she can't trust you atm because if you found out she got drunk on vodka, you will get angry. Which is right, right ? After all, you admit to almost having a fight with her for her phone. I am not judging - it's just this shows she cant rely on you to be in control of your emotions in front of her mistakes.

Think of it as if she's a toddler having a meltdown - would you fight the toddler for the remote control ? No! You would talk to her and explain to her what your expectations are. Do the same here. Stay calm, set your boundaries and figure out a way of making sure she is safe, respectful to you but also feels happy and free to explore her teenage years.

Good luck!

This is what nightmares are made of. My worst fear - I don't drink after seeing my friends behave like this every weekend

Why didn't you take and confiscate her phone indefinitely? That would be the first thing I would do, so she can't message the other little shits. Keep her with you so she chat run away.

Alcohol, really? You've set no boundaries - it's a shit show. Take all the help you get offered, as you'll need it. Good luck

This is extremely harsh.

Have some empathy!

Argh, OP, I’ve been there! It’s the absolute pits!
Pleased to say she’s now lovely and balanced and doing really well, but I really really thought I’ve fucked up at being a mother.

It’s that fine line between being a child and a grown up, they’re neither at that age, but we have no idea how to parent that either.
I said to mine: you’re not the first one to get drunk/run away/get into trouble (I’ve probably done worse than she ever has), but the one thing you must promise me is that you’ll come to me if you’re in trouble. That’s all I ask. I don’t need to know about the vodka, the drives at 1 am or whatever the hell they thought it might be a brilliant idea, don’t need to know about the drugs, the sex, the raves. You want to tell me, fine, but it’s not my problem. But I’ll absolutely lose my shit if I find out you’re stranded somewhere and didn’t call me, if you’re in any sort of trouble and I find out from someone else.

That resulted in her telling me EVERYTHING. To this day, she spills everything. And I never say anything, but I’m careful to have a little a propos de nothing chat to her about what I think needs to be addressed. She’s now an adult, she genuinely asks for my opinion and I never tell her what to do, I just say: if it was me, this is what I’d do, but you’re your own person, you decide, I’ll support you.

It’ll get better OP, hang in there.