How would you deal with this?

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Dd recently turned 15, up until then we have had a very good relationship.
She had been hinting about wanting a birthday party for months and I was never going to agree to it as the house has just been refurbished. Then a couple of new friends (with troubled history) joined her friendship group and I reluctantly agreed to have her close friends over on her birthday (to keep an eye on them and prevent them getting hammered at the local park) and treated them to sushi and a couple of cocktails, unbeknown to me they had smuggled in 2 litres of vodka.

A few days later Dh discovered a pack of cigarettes in her school bag so we grounded her. The following day she mentioned having an after school club and would be back later which we agreed. As the day went on I became suspicious of this and emailed the teacher who advised she hadn’t been to the club. When I confronted her that evening she erupted with a load of expletives about me snooping on her and said she had been at a friend's house.

Next day was non eventful and then on the weekend I had a heart to heart about how worried we are about her. With the changes in her friendship group and they now think it’s normal to chug a litre of vodka while getting ready at someone’s house before going out for dinner. Then take more vodka out with them in water bottles and share the cheapest food on the menu while necking neat vodka. They have also started hanging out in a local park afterwards with older boys who smoke weed and she turns her location off and ignores any attempts from us to contact her. I ended up crying, she started crying, we both apologised and I thought it had sunk in.

That afternoon, she begged to go to one of her old friends' birthday dinners, she promised not to drink and would be home by 10pm. As this is an old friend and a nice girl I agreed. She went out, was a little late getting back but texted to advise there was a delay getting home and all was fine.

She had been using a shared family laptop and I decided to look at her activity and discovered a right can of worms. One of the new friends asked her to see if any of the older guys they had met in the park had an empty house they could go to and if they could bring weed. Another about needing an ambulance on a night out with too much vodka and weed. Sourcing multiple fake ids and using a parents paypal account to pay for them, WTAF!! Photos with them smoking joints. Drinking vodka in the park in school uniform. Videos of her and all the friends drinking at a friend's house when she was supposed to be at the after school club. Meeting the friend for birthday dinner was also nonsense, she had gone out for dinner and drinks with the other friends and blown out the old friend.

I decided to make contact with all of the girl's parents and make them aware of how they are all behaving as it's gone from a little bit risky to dangerous and some have too much parental freedom. That was a draining day of awkward conversations, some of them maybe thought I was nuts, some of them were also concerned.

I found it difficult to keep my shit together and lost it at dinner that evening, tried to grab her phone, don't know why it became about the phone but it did, we had a tussle, I almost rugby tackled her and she ran up to her room very upset with me. Dad went to console her and understandably I got told to F off..

Over the next 2 days I received pure hatred from her, to the extent I thought she was on drugs as her behaviour was so different to anything we have ever seen. Then she logged out of icloud and stopped sharing her location, bunked off lessons, went out after school and came home at bedtime and avoided contact with us, didn't respond to any calls/texts/whatsapp etc.

I called a meeting with the school, who claimed they were about to call me as they had also noticed a change in her behaviour. I attribute this to the change in friendship group and school just offered me tissues and took notes.

I called the Police for advice and was invited into the station to discuss my concerns and show them the photos and snap messages. They asked if I was worried about grooming or dealing drugs and said they would refer her details to social services to follow-up.

A few days later there was an afternoon event at school, while there I got a call advising she & 2 friends had been seen leaving school earlier in the afternoon and were nowhere to be found. They appeared before the event ended and got pulled in to talk to the head and write an apology. Dh lost his shit that night and grabbed the phone, which resulted in her running away from home. Her friends called her and I answered without saying anything for a while then told them she had run away and to send her home before I send the police to either of their houses. One of the friends parents called to update that she was indeed at their house and both girls would run away if I sent the police so I dropped her uniform and school bag off there to make sure she was sorted for the next day and safe that night.

School considered suspending them but have a safeguarding obligation to one of the girls which seems to render her exempt from any consequences. They did get the local Police team in to address the year group and then the smaller group of friends about dangerous behaviour and will be providing support in Y11, it felt like the end of term so it's over to you parents, have a nice summer....

We booked a last minute holiday to put some space between it all and see if we could rekindle some of the old ways. The day before we were due to go away she got caught shoplifting, from the day we went it was when are we going home? How long have I got to put up with all of you? There were the odd moments when she relaxed and it was nice but short lived and she was back on the phone and then arsey with us.

If you have read this far, thank you. I know I've maybe overreacted to some of the stuff and shouldn't have gone snooping but I also want to protect my Dd and get her through the last year of school without some life changing shite happening to her.

Social Services came to visit today and have offered to open up a case and support us as a family, she said its a waste of time as it was weeks ago. Given how her mood changes in a heartbeat I'm up for all the help we can get right now. What would you do?

PS please ignore the goady posters!

I was hoping to do a positive update on this, despite being on a final warning going back to school they took alcohol into school and got caught and got suspended and are now on a final final warning. The friend is frequently posting drug and alcohol related posts on social media and now on my dd's accounts as they seem to be sharing them. School, social services, child exploitation, substance misuse workers are now part of our family network and the friendship continues, it's like living with a stranger in a nightmare that I would love to wake up from 😞

My 3 DDs are now adults, so I have been through the teenage years with them - I know how hard it is. So much depends on friendship groups, as teenagers value the approbation of their peers above all else. And it is very hard to vet/pick their friendships.

Some ground rules/thoughts we set:

• kindness to others above all else
• telling them we love them even when they are not remotely loveable!
• no alcohol in the house
• no getting in cars with anyone who has had a drink - we were happy to taxi regardless of time of day. The jokey phrase I used was: "Get pregnant if you must, but don't get in a car with someone who has had a drink!" They realised it was semi-jokey and this helped I think.
• fostering interests and facilitating these - even when it was very inconvenient and expensive! - riding, music, sport etc.
• trying to put the onus on staying safe and well on them - e.g. "We know it is tempting to try things out, but some will be unsafe - we trust you to make wise decisions - you know right from wrong - but always know thqat we are here for you even if you make a mistake." This is a hard one I know, especially as your DD has already let you down in this regard, but she needs to know that you respect her need for autonomy and that you wish to be able to trust her and not interfere - but she has to play her part in making that possible.
• if there is wider family family around, then their low-key input in the form of simply telling her how much she means to them has some value. It does not have to be a specific comment about any of what has happened - but just letting her know she is loved by a whole gang of people who are rooting for her. I have GC now who are at vulnerable ages and often say to them things like: "You look so beautiful." " That was a really sensible decision. Well done" "That must have been really frustrating for you - well done for keeping your cool." - just finding things to praise.

The teenage years are one of the biggest challenges for parents - and worse now that there is social media to contend with and so much else - the prevalence of porn being one of them.

I am sending you a huge hand hold - there are no easy answers, and the ideas above are just suggestions for some of the things that helped us.

My DDs as adults have let slip some of the things that they did that I did not know about! - and they say these somewhat ruefully as they npw face the same challenges!

Just looked at your update. How old is this friend? Is she in education? Have you ever met her?
I am glad that you have a network of agencies/people trying to help - not what you would ever have wished or envisaged I am sure, but it is good they are there now.

I do think this will pass - I used to be a social worker and saw many many young people come out the other side of all this, many more than the very few who are harder to help, which is what I am sure you are imagining/catastrophising. You have to keep the faith and believe that in the end your support and love will pay off - as it mostly does. This is a blip - a big one I know - but hopefully the two of you will look back on it and smile one day, as I do now with my DDs.

Please stay on here for support. There are others here who are going through this or have done; and there are many who will have been that teenager and are now leading a secure and happy adult life. Hang on in there!

Such a difficult situation OP. My DD is 14 and I do worry about this sort of thing. I don't really have any advice and I'm sure it's very likely that she'll come through the other side unscathed.
If it's any comfort, it reminded me of me and my friends at that age. We started drinking at that age (at 14 actually and we'd get completely wasted), would sometimes meet boys/men, would hang around in the park, drinking and sometimes smoking weed. We'd sometimes bunk off school (occasionally, like once every couple of months). We'd never have dreamed of taking alcohol into school though.
Although it all sounds awful, I'd never had considered that we were going off the rails. At the time, my behaviour felt normal because we knew loads of kids doing the sane thing. I'm not saying it's wrong to call the police but I feel it would have escalated the situation if my parents had done this. At the time my parents, and my friend's parents just turned a blind eye really. I think they didn't know the extent of our bad behaviour. There was no Internet or social media, so they couldn't find photos of what we were up to. They definitely knew we were drinking though.
At that age, there's nowhere to go. Too young for pubs and clubs, so you just hang around outside. Once we were old enough to go to pubs I think it improved because we kind of moderated our behaviour to get into the venues we wanted to go to.
Me and my friends all turned out well. We're now boring and very respectable middle aged people, living in nice houses with good jobs and teenagers of our own. I can only think of one person from that time who permanently went off the rails, but that's because she came from a very troubled and abusive home.

This is a great post. I'm going to rake this attitude if I go through the same thing.

Ok. Deep breath.
You can reset this. Firstly, get her in the car and go for a drive. She doesn't have to look at you, it's a small space, you won't be interrupted. Tell her that you love her unconditionally, but you are the parent and you will not allow her to be so self destructive.
What does she want? It could be CAMHS, a managed move, a new school, family therapy, whatever.
It's a tough road. At one point, one of mine was a selective mute. I think I cried every day. Now? He's 29, he's chatting to me about a holiday with friends. It's all good.
Best of luck 🤞

My dds were similar. They are adopted and have huge issues but I always said that was an explanation for some of their behaviours, not an excuse.
Alcohol and drugs, unsuitable friends, frequent running away, shoplifting, plus damaging the house and being aggressive towards me and other people. If I locked their shoes in the garage to prevent them running away they would jump out of a window and run off in just their socks. Or kick and punch me until I’d open the front door and tell them to go. The police were here several times a week.
Both had numerous exclusions from school but Dd1 hung on the skin of her teeth until GCSEs. Then a new headteacher came in and DD2 was permanently excluded.
We had camhs three times a week, social services, youth offending service etc - a lot of input from various agencies - but eventually dd1 moved away with a boyfriend and I put dd2 back into care because I couldn’t keep her safe.
Both became teenage mothers. Dd1’s child was taken into care and was subsequently adopted, and dd went to a youth offending institution for assaulting me and she still has issues with drinking, drugs, aggression and abusive relationships so I don’t have much contact with her.
Dd2’s child is on child protection as is her unborn baby, but she’s doing much better so hopefully that won’t be for much longer. She has made some mistakes, there has been some shoplifting and she stole my bank card about six months ago which led me to throw her out and meant she was separated from her baby for a few weeks so hopefully that was a lesson she has learned. I still have to pull her up for being rude and ungrateful for all I do for her but our relationship is much closer.
What you’ve written about the sugar daddy rings alarm bells in terms of grooming and suppose the point I’m trying to make is that if your dd doesn’t take on board the fact that she’s at real risk of permanent exclusion, throwing away her future, getting a criminal record etc, you may have to take the route of putting her into care, as I did, for her own safety. Be very clear with her that this is not an idle threat, and it would be because you love her and you can’t keep her safe.
I hope things improve for you. Sending hugs.
And for friends , family and posters on here who criticise you, I would simply say don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.

I think the situation of adopted children can be very different as they bring baggage, especially of they are adopted s children rather than babies. They are often not wired to expect love and don't know what to do with this. This makes them very hard to help.

OP - this is not the situation with your DD, and, as so many others have said, the overwhelmingly likely outcome of all this is that she will come out the other side of this and go on to lead a happy productive life.

I think BuddhaAtSea's post is very sound - what your DD needs to know is that you will always have her back and it is to you that she must turn, however much she knows that you might not approve of her actions.

I am rooting for you!

The friend is 15, I have met her on a few occasions and could tell she was troubled the first time she was a guest in my house. She is in education, they became friends 6 months ago at school when her last friendship group fell out with her, reasons are unknown.

I have flagged all of the situations to school as I think this is a safeguarding issue, they accepted this child into the school (she was asked to leave her last school) and failed to protect the wider year group from her. They have dismissed this and refuse to talk to me about it. I've seen multiple emails/messages etc with her suggesting ideas (run away from home, get drunk after school, dress up cun*y to meet an old man, try MDMA, etc) and then getting everyone on board, I think she's quite manipulative and dangerous. School have also seen the proof and claim to have filed it.

The reaction from school makes it a parenting issue, its the friend who isn't being parented. Parents are divorced and don't talk, so she's been through the mill and isn't coming from a stable place. My DD thinks she's great fun and loves the buzz of it all and has said she won't change her behaviour outside of school.

I found weed in her room last week and removed it, she demanded it back a few times before giving up. The front of her is unbelievable.

There is a network strategy meeting taking place later this week with SS, Police, Child Exploitation and School to put a plan in place for my DD, it seems like I'm living in someone else's crazy world right now.

I wish I knew how to communicate with my DD for better effect and how to help her see differently and make safer choices. Her 8 year old sister is looking up to her and I need to keep her safe too, she has recently asked if she can have her old family back...so sad....😢

I’d be really stressed if I were you and not know what to do. But it sounds like you have been really proactive. I think it’s more common behaviour than me realise and no one talks about it. I can quite see my daughter doing this sort of thing - she’s a bit younger but very rebellious . Take what help you can get and know you aren’t alone. She will come out if it in time too. Nothing stays the same at that age.

if it help my brother was a totally wild child and now he is a devoted dad and husband with a good job. I was the opposite and I’ve got the same family but I’m riddled with anxiety !!

Thanks for your reply, I really like the idea of ground rules/thoughts and need to find a way to have these chats now without it seeming like a lecture followed by eye roll as that's the response I'm getting to any suggestions atm.

• kindness to others above all else
• telling them we love them even when they are not remotely loveable!
• no alcohol in the house
• no getting in cars with anyone who has had a drink - we were happy to taxi regardless of time of day. The jokey phrase I used was: "Get pregnant if you must, but don't get in a car with someone who has had a drink!" They realised it was semi-jokey and this helped I think.
• fostering interests and facilitating these - even when it was very inconvenient and expensive! - riding, music, sport etc.
• trying to put the onus on staying safe and well on them - e.g. "We know it is tempting to try things out, but some will be unsafe - we trust you to make wise decisions - you know right from wrong - but always know thqat we are here for you even if you make a mistake." This is a hard one I know, especially as your DD has already let you down in this regard, but she needs to know that you respect her need for autonomy and that you wish to be able to trust her and not interfere - but she has to play her part in making that possible.
• if there is wider family family around, then their low-key input in the form of simply telling her how much she means to them has some value. It does not have to be a specific comment about any of what has happened - but just letting her know she is loved by a whole gang of people who are rooting for her. I have GC now who are at vulnerable ages and often say to them things like: "You look so beautiful." " That was a really sensible decision. Well done" "That must have been really frustrating for you - well done for keeping your cool." - just finding things to praise.

Thank you for your time :)

im not going to lie.. both my DD's were allowed small amounts of alcohol at 15. I found it stood me in good stead, by not making a song and dance about alcohol and drinking i never thankfully suffered the 'drinking in the park' issue most teenagers go through because their parents 'ban' them and 'forbid' them!

neither of my girls have gone off the rails, both finished their educations with a first in their degrees, and both have great jobs! a touch of alcohol at 15 never caused an issue.

I too did a load of this stuff at the same age but my situation was very different and I can analyse it and understand why and I've come out the other side of it and am now considered quite a boring middle aged Mum.

My real worry is how manipulative the new friend seems to be and the influence she has over my people pleasing dd and the dangerous situations they have created in just a few months of being friends, they bring out the worst in each other. The friend is troubled with issues at home, I can't fix her family but would like to bolster mine to prevent further damage.

The main reason I didn’t behave like this at 15 (lots of my peers at school did!) was that my mother ruled by fear and I’d have been terrified of the consequences.

Now, I’m not saying this was a good thing. It obviously was not.

But it seems like you’ve maybe got too few boundaries? Even after you’ve found out about all her risky behaviour and lies, you’ve allowed her to go out?

Surely there has to be a form of consequences that doesn’t go as far as physically restraining or punishing her? can other posters suggest something? Cos I just cannot relate to ‘you can’t keep them in’. Surely at 15 you can!

The hanging round with older boys, pissed and stoned is a huge worry. She won’t be able to understand the danger at her age.

I did have my sex, drugs and rock and roll phase btw - but at 17.5 to 21, when I was (mostly) better equipped to handle it!

My Dad use to own a pub, I've been brought up around alcohol and seen alcoholism. I thought allowing her small supervised amounts of alcohol at home on special occasions might help us to dodge this bullet but her new friends seem to have a ridiculous relationship with vodka. It's like they are drinking to numb a pain. She now has a substance misuse worker who is going to help educate on this and see if there is an underlying root issue...I think the issue is the friend...

I'm hoping this is a blip in the last year of senior school and she will get back on track and do as well as your girls have gone on to do :)

Just some solidarity as my dd is similar and can so relate to the parade of professionals who come through the house now (all to limited effect tbh) and feeling like life is an episode of Eastenders.
I really struggle to relate to dd as her teenage experience is so different from mine.

Yep I hear you. We have been too nice and she isn't scared of us, we were just talking about this today. A couple of her nicer friends are shit scared of their parents as they can/will remove privileges, we don't really have anything to remove.

Took away her phone, she ran away over night, then a friend gave her an old phone. Spent days kicking it off the wifi etc then she climbed out of a window to run away and get on wifi somewhere locally.

Things have calmed down since she was suspended. We've stopped pocket money, she has to do clubs at school after school or come straight home, can only see the friend at our house or her house for a 2 hour supervised period in a communal space, no hanging out outside etc. The friends parent has also agreed to this strategy so we are united with it and they can't get around us.

I can't help but feel this is the calm before the storm with Halloween on the horizon and a load of chat about wanting to party then.... fills me with fear without dressing up.

The older boys, pissed and stoned isn't such an issue now, its the dangerous friend who will run away from home at the drop of a hat (argument with her mum) to get shit-faced and then do anything that is the major worry. I'm fighting a losing battle trying to eradicate her...

My dd went similarly off the rails at 15 with disastrous consequences. She ended up being somewhere she shouldn't have been, very drunk and was attacked by a predatory older boy. The subsequent years were a living nightmare tbh,
It was all about the friends she was hanging out with. She is impressionable and missing some of her formative socialising pre teen and teen years during Covid didn't help.

After Al lot of work getting over her attack
We moved her to a new school. It was literally like flicking a switch. New friends with better values and she is like a different person. She is just about to turn 18 ans sit her a levels. This was unimaginable when two years ago really. Were I you I would be getting her well away from these 'friends'. Otherwise you are on a hiding to nothing.

Sounds like you have been through a nightmare time. I can relate to this She is impressionable and missing some of her formative socialising pre teen and teen years during Covid didn't help. She also happens to be a people pleaser so its adding up to a nightmare.

I think a new school is the way forward too, my DH disagrees and thinks school is the only stable influence in her life right now. Its further complicated by them doing an IGCSE at her school and none of the other options around here seem to offer that, she's in Y11. I've also considered moving out of the area and we all have a fresh start somewhere but again DH doesn't think it's going to help.

It's just one friend that has managed to turn the group into a disaster zone, school won't do anything about her, I reckon she will play social services. Its a very upsetting and frustrating situation.