15 yo off rails bc he's "in love"

[Chefdepartie]

My 15 yo son has met a girl.... She is 16. They have been together for 2 maybe 3 weeks.... The problem is he has already 'dumped' his friends. He had a casual summer job, 2 days a week, and has given it up. He is disrespectful to both me and his dad (we are divorced,) and is making life a misery for everyone. My issue isn't with him having a GF it's because he is allowed to stay at her house 24/7.
Seemingly this girls sister is 14yo and her Boy friend is also allowed to sleep over and share a bed. Last night he promised both me and his dad that he wld be in at midnight, he text telling me he wld be in at 1.30 but then decided he was staying at her house! I can't understand any mother allowing this to happen. I'm at my wits end. What do I do? Shd I speak to the girls mother? Shd I go to the house and take him out??
Please help 🙏

Obviously if your 15 year old doesn't come home then you go and get them.

I'd ban him from going there at all if he doesn't change his ways.

And I'd report the woman for facilitating 14 year olds to have sex.

But you are a mother allowing this to happen.

What happened after he stayed at his GFs house without your approval?

You're the one letting him stay out, why are you blaming the other parent?

good grief
i can’t imagine my 15 year old “telling me” he will be home by midnight

he has never been out with friends past 8!

This

At 15 they are told what time to be home not the other way around. If my 15 year old didn't come back on time I would be going to the girlfriends house and dragging him home. I would also be stopping the visits to the girlfriends house until he learnt respect.

I have teen this age and it seems parents letting this age group have sleepovers is becoming more of the norm and I do not agree with it. It does make it difficult when you have one parent say its OK and the other not but you need to decide what your comfortable with and stick to it.

If you think he will indeed leave if you go to fetch him, then yes fetch him. It gets harder once they are adult or near-adult sized though, as you can't force them.

As he's quit his job, then do not provide pocket money to make u for loss of earnings, and consider docking his pocket money for each time he stays out beyond set curfew. This may not be as good a measure as one might hope, if he really is that welcome in the house and the girl's mother will feed him for free.

What you need to avoid is driving him in to her arms, thinking they are star-crossed lovers. And yes, they probably are lovers, so if you do not want to be grandparents by next year, you need to talk to him about safer sex. And talk to him, a lot. Get him thinking about things other than her, eg all the things he enjoyed before he met her. And without looking pointed, about the importance of friends.

Have you invited her over? Not to stay over obviously (you can drive her home without him at a reasonable hour). But for (both of you) to see how she fits (or doesn't) into your household might be illuminating (killing with kindness)

And do you have a holiday planned with him - a firebreak might help him remember there is more to life

And my sympathies - a foof struck teen is very hard to deal with.

My 15 year old ds has a gf, neither of them has ever stayed at either her house or ours beyond 9pm! No way would he be allowed to stay overnight. He knows he has to obey our curfews and other rules otherwise there are consequences. Also he still goes to his football training and meets up with mates. Sit down with your ds and warn him that when this big love affair ends, (which it will), he may have no mates and no job. And start giving consequences! And definitely fetch him from her house.

Parents facilitating statutory rape, excellent choice.

Why is your 15 year-old dictating anything? Friend didn't come home at 15, the police were phoned and they were reported missing. "But I told my dad I was staying X, Y or Z" didn't fly because they were told to be home.

I know I shd go get him but he didn't give us exact address. I don't know where I have went wrong or why he is so disrespectful. He's very caring and lots fun when things are good but when he's not life is a nightmare.

Your lucky that your boy listens. Mine does not. He doesn't care about consequences.

He tells me they are not having sex. We have, obviously, had the chat with him about underage sex etc.

I get what U are saying but I didn't have her full name or address. Obviously I've failed miserably with him.

Invite her round... Ime the perfect time to be a helicopter parent.... You are making her more appealing kicking off.
My ds is 15 and fucking horrific... His past 2 gf's have given us such stress... 1 dps allowed them free access to her bedroom.. They had sex. The gf was 14...he dumped her and has calmed down.. We invited them on days out. For tea. Getting the measure of them as bf /gf is useful.. Offer to meet her dps...ghe more invested you get the more control you have of his behaviour..
On to my 7th teen ds... It gets no easier...

Thankyou for your non judgemental response. I have not facilitated this behaviour or at least have not intented to. He is a very tall strong boy and believe me when I say if he didn't want to leave her house he wouldn't. The boundaries are lost. Me and his dad are trying so hard to get him to understand the importance of friends, his job and of course the consequences of underage sex!

It’s all very well people saying grab him home - unfortunately not all children respect boundaries set out for them and if he is 6ft tall and the gf parents seem pretty awful getting him home will be difficult.Ours would lie where they were, change arrangements half way through the evening- switch their phone off - and this was a good polite child up to mid teens .Friends children’s would begrudgingly do as their were told ours just went crazy in their teens.
i agree you should not accept that they are just allowed to stay out as they will just start doing what they want. We ended up calling the police if ours did not come home as they are still only 15. I think screaming and shouting will get you nowhere. Just keep stating your boundaries and try to keep dialogue open. When things get bad you can lose any connection, we did, and it’s dangerous because they then get advice from equally tricky children and then things can go very wrong
so sorry this is happening- you are not alone - the teenage years for some children and parents are v difficult

He's a child so of course you go and get him because you're responsible for your son. Look on the bright side, If it cheers you up, just wait till she dumps him, and you can laugh at him...

@allwillbe thankyou thankyou thankyou for your response. I appreciate everyone's response but U r so right saying not all children respect boundaries. It's not as easy as going getting him and it's Def. Not easy when he doesn't respect curfew times. Many of the responses I received have made me feel worse and like a really bad parent but I see U get it, either through experience, I hope not, or because U have an insight into the characteristics of the teenage mind. Either way I'm feeling a lot better knowing I'm not alone. My boy has never been in real trouble. He's a good student but as I said he's gone off the rails because of this girl. I don't blame the girl per say but I question the morals in the household and ultimately that lies with the parents. Ive asked him to take it slowly. Take her here and I'll bring her home. Set time aside for friends, football and work. Carry on with his goals and if she is the girl for him she will support those goals and wait for him. I might resonate, I hope so, until then I will continue to work with his dad and ensure he knows how.much he loved and all we want is the best for him.

Op you haven’t failed, and the people who are saying it’s you haven’t hit the fun stage where someone taller than you says ‘no, I won’t be home then’. The ‘Id be dragging them home’ thing is nice to say but really? I heard a child psychologist the other day saying it’s very different when they realise’no’ can be said and very little can be done!

We have one who will never be that child and one who was so quiet and then in comes a group of friends and we’re telling him ‘I’ll collect you at x time’ and we end up in constant arguments and negotiations. No advice just remember that none of us were perfect at that age, we all pushed a certain amount, that to him this is new and real and gently remind him regularly that his friends would probably like to see him and he needs to earn money for cinema, phone etc. best of luck!

Phone the police and tell them girls parents are facilitating underage sex.
Cut off your sons phone contract and see how long it takes him to come running home

Same - this seems like a parallel universe! 🙈

Had this scenario with my DS. My DS was 15 his GF 14. Her mum worked nights and wanted my DS to be a kind of babysitter because her DD didn't like being alone ! It was really difficult.

Your DS will be most likely be having sex. Drill into him all the reasons why he does not want to get her pregnant ! I told my DS if he ever had unprotected sex he must come and tell me so I could sort out the morning after pill. This actually happened ! Just talk to him and keep lines of communication open.

He will do what he feels he can get away with because he's 15. He stayed out because he thought he could. Managing teenagers is all about boundaries. If they feel they can they will jump over them - it's our job to set them and ensure there are so consequences for breaking them.

I've been in a similar position thrice with 2 of our DS and our DD.
So what you need to do is meet the girlfriend invite her round.
and say you are both welcome at your house if you are more likely to keep an eye under your roof.

Then you can ask questions
Become a parent that can speak openly with your DS

I don't mean let anything go over your head.

But you need this girls parents name
You need to know of she is present in the home ( she could be a single working mother)

She could even be unaware her daughters have boyfriends over or she could have a handle on the situation.

The boundaries in the home have been lost.
it happens unless you enforce them in a calm manner
Like for instance you aren't nagging your son it's all about respect that works both ways.

She is 16 but they are most likely to be in the same year at school.

Always think the worst and hope for the best.

Just because he is always with her doesn't automatically mean they are having sex.

Ask him why he gave his job up don't assume it was due to having a girlfriend.

I wouldn't allow mine to stay out until midnight at that age.
But he is Mia

Only you don't have parents name or address

Speak to school if you are worried also.

You could also get in touch with early help to speak to him they are just under social services, but they are an extra influence with boundaries.

You have lost authority with your son but you can gain it back.
It's all about open communication.
good luck

And stay calm.

Teens can pull back from angry parents

I found the calm approach to work the 2nd time around
It's all a learning curve.