15 yo off rails bc he's "in love"

[Chefdepartie]

My 15 yo son has met a girl.... She is 16. They have been together for 2 maybe 3 weeks.... The problem is he has already 'dumped' his friends. He had a casual summer job, 2 days a week, and has given it up. He is disrespectful to both me and his dad (we are divorced,) and is making life a misery for everyone. My issue isn't with him having a GF it's because he is allowed to stay at her house 24/7.
Seemingly this girls sister is 14yo and her Boy friend is also allowed to sleep over and share a bed. Last night he promised both me and his dad that he wld be in at midnight, he text telling me he wld be in at 1.30 but then decided he was staying at her house! I can't understand any mother allowing this to happen. I'm at my wits end. What do I do? Shd I speak to the girls mother? Shd I go to the house and take him out??
Please help 🙏

Teenagers are hard to control but it is possible. And the longer you let it go on, the harder it will be.

It is not about sex or his gf, it is about a total lack of respect for his parents, home and the fact that, if he goes ‘off the rails’ now, it will be harder for him to get his life back on track later.

You need hard enforced boundaries. There are two things you control that he wants and needs, his phone and his access to money. Tell him he needs to continue his job and be home x nights a week (at least 5 I would say) and the consequences are immediate loss of phone and no money until he comes home and stays home until allowed out again.

When the new term starts (presumably Year 11) make the boundaries even stricter and work with the school, letting them know all the issues,

Generally teenagers respond well to firm but fair, especially with lots of praise and allowing him anything reasonable (so he can keep the gf as long as he keeps her in perspective with the family and academics). But you have to mean it and follow through, regardless of tantrums or wheedling. He will thank you later for it.

(Of course, if he goes truly off the rails into illegal behaviour, then you also have to involve the police and social services).

No one said it would be easy, but stick to your rules.
He is 15, and lives by your riles.
You don't know where he is, so report him missing yo police.
The gf household sound like there are no rules at all, I'm guessing social services are involved there.
Your son maybe spinning lots of lies about his home life, and the family think they are helping. You need to ask questions and find out who this family are.
Or which school they attend. Tell your son you love him and if he doesn't give you address and names you will be reporting him missing to police and contact his school.
Tell him that you have no issue with him having a gf, but you want to meet her. We all want the best for our children, I know many loving families that met at 15. Please God this could be the magical bond. You want to be part of. To support them but if he cares about her then he needs to look to the future. He needs his education,he needs those two days work. Shows her parents he is responsible etc. Don't treat him like a child talk to him like a young man with a future. If he wants to be treated like a grown up he needs to acknowledge like one. He also needs his friends,again to support him. Perhaps the friends don't agree with relationship, that's why they don't see each other?
Don't be scared of your son because he is tall. You are feeling fearful because he is acting in a new way towards you.
Tell him you love him but you don't be distressed. If you switched your emotions on him how would he feel?
15 is a horrible year, I've been there 3 times with my sons.
Stick to your guns and rules.
How is he getting money?
He is underage, quote the law, use the school. Ask questions,find out where this girl is. Speak to parents, explain your concerns, they may have same worries. Really join forces with his father. Good luck.

He is 16, he is having sex, it's probably all he can think about. He is to big for you to fetch and you don't know where to fetch him from. Who is funding this? He gave up his job. Money is really the only power you have left. Stop funding him get your husband to stop funding him. If he has a savings account remove card, who is paying his phone bill, stop paying it. He won't listen you don't pay. Every £ you give him enables. Stop enabling him to defy you. Everything he has from the roof over his head to the clothes on his back are provided by you, these are privileges not rights. Cut the supply.

I totally agree with you , I cant believe a desperate mother will come on here for help but instead be told how fabulous others sons are!
Really not helpful, OP, hang in there, is there any uncles, aunties or cousins your son respects and can mediate, its one step removed from what your son sees as a nag or telling off. eventually became a good mentor, my others just seemed a breeze in comparison, so I feel your pain (he's mid 20s and worked through it) but such a difficult teenager.
It's so hard when another family has different values from you and their home offers so much freedom in your child's eyes, which a lot of youngsters crave.

Let's hope he's not having sex with a 16yo otherwise she's committing statutory rape.

I feel for you OP. I had this with my then 15 yo DD. I was gobsmacked at the mother’s attitude. She didn’t give a shit that her 17 year old son was probably sleeping with a 15 year old. Said it was entirely up to them and there was nothing she could do about it.

I went to get DD the first night (I had to ring round the parents of all her friends till I found one that got the address out of their DD). Then long story short ended up frog marching DD through the streets with her screaming for help and that she was being abducted, I had to take her phone to stop her dialling 999 and sleep in her room to prevent her going back.

The following day she walked out of school and went back to the boyfriends house with the full approval of his mother. I went round again and told everybody involved that every single time she didn’t come home, or walked out of school I’d call the police and tell them she was under age and that I believed that she was being encouraged to have sex by the boyfriends mother. It worked. She was full of “I hate you” and “you’ve ruined my life” but she was coming home every night and stayed in school so that was something. The big romance fizzled out very quickly after that thank god.

@Aposterhasnoname What you needed was the police to issue a Child Abduction Warning Notice - CAWN. They used to be known as harbouring notices and, in your situation, would have been issued against the mother for harbouring a child against the parents wishes. I wish people knew more about them and pestered the police to use them more. https://safeguardinghub.co.uk/child-abduction-warning-notices-cawns/

This was 20 years ago so may not have been a thing then. But great for other people to know about.

This kind of happened to me last night- "Mum, love interest's mum is taking us to McDonald's, I might not be back until 10". He was finally returned back at nearly 11.00. Phone went straight to voicemail 🙄. Turned out it had run out of charge.

It made me realise that I need to get to know love interest's parents and get their phone numbers, and those of his mates and their parents too. I did threaten him with being grounded if this happens again, too.

(He's 14)

If he’s not working I assume he’s not paying for his phone etc…I’d basically tell him he can choose to not follow the rules, but then I won’t be paying for his phone or giving out pocket money or anything else. Make sure you get his dad on board too. Best of luck, teens are so tricky once they realize it’s hard to FORCE them to do anything.

One positive is that although you and his dad are not together, you are working together on this.
Well done for that, a lot of divorced parents can’t.

I think this is also a problem to be honest! Why has he never been out later than 8pm at 15 years old!

Hang in there OP, 15 was the hardest age IME, they do get better.

😂

You can't just blame the girls parents, you're letting this happen too!

Midnight is easy too late for them to be staying out at 15, get his ass home for 9pm!
He gets the job back and starts respecting you or he doesn't see the girl again!!

Put your foot down asap, if they're seeing each other the door stays open, other responsibilities have to be done first before they see each other.
He's being a very silly boy if this is how he acts after 2 weeks.

Put a grip on this behaviour before he makes you a Granny

do not think mine would dare be out late at night after all the trouble the other night in leads a child is a child mine has not had a girlfriend yet i have been lucky to have well brought up kids he does not get on with me only there dad which hurts a lot because he his useless and hard to live with to say the least do not cut him off completely let him know he can come home hope the girl finishes with him when he has no money 15 do not get anything from the government he will have to get a job soon get bored keep him close as possible maybe have a word with the girls mother might get a good response. mine needs a job going to be a hard few years with him

But you are also allowing it, so you aren't making any sense

OP you haven't failed as a parent completely, but the first thing that you need to do is stop blaming the gf or her parents. Questioning their morals and saying he has gone off the rails because of this girl is failing to face facts and take responsibility. It is possible to reach 15, have a gf and not act like a disrespectful little git. You didn't put boundaries in place or basic safeguards such as finding out where she lives and her full name - again, that's on you. Presumably by now he is back home and you can begin the process. Rules and consequences, get gf's address and make sure that he knows if he stays there, you and/or his dad will be knocking on the door at stupid o'clock to collect him. Don't give him money, let him find another casual job if he wants money. Limit the times that they can see each other, including time spent at your house.

The police could always retrieve him!

I don't think you can blame the other parents without taking responsibility yourself. Maybe her mum is sitting at home thinking "I can't believe she let's her son stay out this late" or "I wish that boy would go home now".
Agree with the comments about restricting money. It seems teh only way.
Truth is he is nearly 16 and very little you can do then.
I doubt the relationship will last though. They rarely do at that age.

No such offence in any UK jurisdiction.

The strict liability age is 13.

There is no way that the older teen in a consenting 15/16 yo couple is going to be prosecuted, as it would not be held to be in the public interest to criminalise him or her.

This. The number of times I have had teens round my house who don't seem to ever want to leave and I've wondered where their parents are when they are not picking them up or asking them to go home, or when the whole thing turns into a sleepover when it gets too late for them to leave and go home on their own.

If I didn't know my teens whereabouts I'd ring the police. I'd also tell them beforehand that this is what I'd be doing.

if he hasn’t got a job he won’t have money. Don’t give him any. He’ll soon start to realise life isn’t so sunny

I feel absolutely mortified for your Son OP!

You say that he has ‘gone off the rails’ because he has a girlfriend! You seem determined to make this a huge issue, you talk about him being disrespectful and you seem very angry!

I fear you are jumping to all of the wrong conclusions and by behaving in a hostile way you are only making things worse, and it probably explains why he is spending so much time at his Girlfriend’s house…he is probably hiding out from you to avoid having a hard time!

You also seem to have a very negative view of his Girlfriend, suggesting that she and her family are immoral!

In 1996 I dated this boy… his parents were concerned I would distract him from his A levels, at the first dinner I went to at his house his mother said ‘I am not ready to be a grandmother yet!’

I literally could have died of embarrassment!

So anyway in 1998 we both went to Uni together, got degrees, got jobs, started pensions, had some holidays, a decade after our first date we got married, bought a house. We did Post Grad degrees while working and earned promotions, and had more holidays after that!

15 years after we started dating we had our first daughter, three years later our second daughter was born.

We have been together for 28 years, and lived incredibly sensible lives!

Yet at the very beginning of our relationship his parents probably would have said the same mean things that you have!

Perhaps in my case they worried more because my Mum actually threw me out of the house for dating my husband and I lived independently in a hostel in a not very affluent area of Birmingham. They must have thought the worst… but it was absolutely unfounded and after a few years they realised that they had made a mistake!

I think that you are being unfair and unreasonable and that your obviously hostility will only push your son away and make the situation much worse!

My relationship with my Mother was never repaired though… she died four years ago…. don’t make the same mistake as her! Don’t ever do something that is so hurtful that you destroy your relationship forever!

Keep calm and try to get to know the girlfriend… she might actually be lovely! They probably are not having sex, and if they are I am sure they will be sensible!

Respect is not a one way thing!

She is trying to NOT allow this to happen FFS.