15 yo off rails bc he's "in love"

[Chefdepartie]

My 15 yo son has met a girl.... She is 16. They have been together for 2 maybe 3 weeks.... The problem is he has already 'dumped' his friends. He had a casual summer job, 2 days a week, and has given it up. He is disrespectful to both me and his dad (we are divorced,) and is making life a misery for everyone. My issue isn't with him having a GF it's because he is allowed to stay at her house 24/7.
Seemingly this girls sister is 14yo and her Boy friend is also allowed to sleep over and share a bed. Last night he promised both me and his dad that he wld be in at midnight, he text telling me he wld be in at 1.30 but then decided he was staying at her house! I can't understand any mother allowing this to happen. I'm at my wits end. What do I do? Shd I speak to the girls mother? Shd I go to the house and take him out??
Please help 🙏

Good Lord. My response would be, 'So, you think you're a grown-up? Right, well, now you do grown-up stuff. You subsidise yourself - grown-ups don't get allowances. You pay for your phone, your wi-fi, your Sky/Virgin TV, your food, your clothes, your transport, your laundry, your holidays - there is no bank of mum and dad any longer, I am not your taxi nor your personal chef nor your secretary.'

I give it two weeks.

Deleted cos I CBA

That is probably where it went awhol…he is 15 so you should know where he is. Just for that he should be sanctioned.

i bet you haven’t met the parents too so he is at theirs but you don’t know them…

once uou have the adress, tell him that if he isn’t on time, you will go collect him. That way he won’t try to stay more.

Use the consequences you use normally and reinforce at every step. He clearly looks for the boundaries.

good luck 🌺

Oh lord its a challenge.

Unless you spk to the girls mum you'll never know whether his girlfriends little sister is really having her boyfriend over or that's a story to make you feel more relaxed, which has backfired on him.

The best way to manage this would be to ask for mothers contact details, not from your son, but his gf when she next come over.

Conversations about legality of having underage sex, what is she changes her mind and reports him further down the line school, which does happen and then school/police ibecome nvolved.

Remind him you both love and trust him to be sensible, unfortunately, there isn't much you can do tbh as he's lovestruck and in the throes of first love, so not thinking clearly.

Have her over but set some ground rules. Homework, friends, after school activities etc must continue. he must be respectful of family/younger siblings etc

I would spk to his gfs mum, say happy for gf to sleep over but your son wbel be respectful and sleep on sofa, she'll get the hint and hopefully will be thinking the sam
e and respond in kind.

Its a tough one but if you go nose to nose with him, it will be tough.

Remember, he will come to his senses

Tricky one. My son at 15 would stay at his girlfriend’s house. I was glad he told me the truth. The mother seemed happy to allow them to share a bed.
I made it clear they wouldn’t be doing that in my house but I was pleasant to the girlfriend and made her feel welcome. It’s first love; excitement and feeling grown up. It lasted a few weeks and then petered out.
My ex husband and partner were outraged when they heard and apparently sat my son down in front of them while they lectured them.
It didn’t go well and my son told his dad nothing for a long time afterwards.
If I had had a daughter and not a son, perhaps I would have reacted differently. I was quietly pleased when they split up.
If I had insisted my son came home, he would have probably told me the next time that he was staying with one of his mates.
Communication is important during the teenage years. You have to pick your battles. Now if he had treated me with disrespect I would have hit the roof. No swearing, shouting or bad attitude to your parent - including his father.
Try to talk to your son and listen to him too.

Foof 🫢🫢🫢

Curfew! No overnights. Must get his job back. Friendships are important.

Unless you want to grandma next time this year.

Sanctioned seems so harsh. I have a teenage in love albeit not in the best circumstances. I think we got this. Today's word is trust 💕

@GripeOfTheDay oh it's a challenge all right.
I know the younger sister has her bf stay over for a fact. That aside I simply want my son to be respectful. Unfortunately, I don't think his gf mum wld even know if she is home let alone who she is sharing a bed with....

My son is now eighteen. I had something similar but gf parents were nice people.

My house my rules enforced. My son slept on tqhe sofa. I welcomed her into the family, invited for dinner, came away with family and treated her as my own. Tge alternative, Is have an angry hurt rebellious kid and I wouldn't know where he was, what he was doing.

I understood things for her were difficult at home And this approach worked for me as she started to remind him that wouldn't be fair on yr mum and dad, if he was considering doing something silly.

The relationship lasted 18 months, both survived relatively unscathed 😃

The only way to navigate this is to stay calm and non confrontational. He loves his family and won't worry to hurt them, he's just overcome by first love and new found eemotions.

I would speak to the girls mother explain your concerns, tell them that you do not want DS staying over and highlight that your DS is underage whereas their DD is not.

Two out of 4 of my teenagers dated under 16 and the best advice I can give you, which has already been shared on here, is badically:

1. Invite the girl around a lot, get to know her
2. Communicate as much as possible with the parents.

We have had challenges but thanks to these 2 principles have managed to maintain boundaries and respect. They will always push it but if you work together it will be easier. Good luck... it is really tricky.

Personally think 8pm is a bit early for a 15yr old. Lots of 15yr olds like to go to Cinema/bowling then on to McDonalds/KFC etc. Can understand being in by 9pm on a school night but at weekends/school holidays 10-10.30pm at latest for a 15yr old.

Too harsh?

wow…my bad, I thought you said that your 15years old stayed out all night without your permission and gone somewhere but didn’t tell you where?? With people that you don’t know? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😅

if you prefere other words : punished, have the consequence of his actions…?? It all means the same but maybe « sanctioned » is a bit more « official » which is the correct word as he is 15years old only?? And so still under YOUR responsibility. Good Lord!

but yeah…he is in Love so…whatever 😅 he probably doesn’t « trust » you enough to know where he is and with whom 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ or maybe you wish for him to « earn your trust » but without enforcing any boundary?

do let us know how you manage this without doing any of the less nice things such as : no allowance, no permission to go out, no permission to play some stuff…probably too harsh for him.

good luck 🌺

Plus a girl can’t rape a boy, unless they’re a transgender girl with a functioning penis.

My child James was an absolute menace to domestic life.
When he his puberty and his teenage years he became depressed, violent and horny all the time!
When he was 16 years of age he met a girl at reading festival and that was that! He did not give a toss for me or his family, everything was Veronica, Veronica, Veronica. He spent most nights there and he told his brother (older) that he was having sex but his brother told me thankfully! However, we managed to get James back on track by calling the one and only Joe Frost (aka Supernanny)

This .
It makes it so hard . Children at this age are so vulnerable.

They have to protected from themselves ( and others ).