Not having a smartphone

[aNameyName]

Thinking ahead a year or two to having a teenager: My child is already in a small minority in not yet having their own smartphone, and since reading 'The Anxious Generation' by Jonathan Haidt, I'm minded to hold out against giving my child a smartphone until they can get one themselves, if they want to because the massive developmental opportunity costs were shocking when laid out so plainly.

If you have teenage children with a dumb phone or no personal phone at all, what are the worst negative impacts for your teen of not having a smartphone? Has your position on smartphones affected your relationship with your child? At what age / event do you intend to give your child a smartphone, if at all? What other factors should I consider in weighing up if / when to give them a smartphone?

We had an induction evening at their school, the head made a point to mention that children do not need a phone. In my dc new yr7 class, she is one of 6 not getting a phone. The deputy head told us it is becoming more common now that parents understand the impact of children having phones. This is a large selective grammar.

I admire the fact you are considering this as I think for some children phones are awful. However, depending on the child they can become very secretive and manipulative if they really want one- being given a friends old one for example and hiding what they are doing. Some children cope with phone use and self regulation and others don’t. Our dd has ADHD and screen time became a war in our house. To stop it from being snuck back in the room at night it was locked away and eventually at 15 we removed it and replaced with a brick phone. Also despite your best intentions with blocking sites many children are excellent at tech and VPNs are easy to download and bypassed many of our blocks
I have friends whose children sailed through phone use and regulation no problem. But some, including ours, did not and it caused massive damage to her through what was going on on line and damage to the family. Just be aware that teens can be so so secretive.
ironically she is older now and has cut back on phone use herself as she understands the damage it can do
Good luck

Please choose a secondary school that aligns with your views if you’re going to hold out on a smartphone. I would make it part of your criteria and really dig into how they communicate/homework apps/phone usage in school, beyond the normal ‘no phones in the classroom’ rule. Ditto public transport- so be sure no apps are needed to load up credits for the bus or whatever. I totally understand where you’re coming from, but ultimately it’s unfair to take this stance and then place your child in an environment where they will be left out.

As other pp have said, the result is secret phones/ secret apps/back up accounts. I am sure there are some rare kids who are totally fine without. I have equally seen A LOT of pious parents who would be stunned at how adept their apparently non/low phone use child is at circumventing the rules.

Im not thrilled about phones either, I’m just saying that draconian rules whilst in an environment where they make the child an outlier, are rarely a good plan.

The approach I took was lots of sport- it’s impossible to text and run/trampoline/dance (well pretty much!) and it gave dd a good focus and outlook- and open convos, removing the need for secrecy.

The tech inventors have a lot to answer for and smartphones (and everything associated with them- esp tiktok) are mostly crap for kids, but it’s no use pretending they don’t exist, and unless you live remotely and can genuinely offer a very low tech lifestyle then the horse has bolted and it’s better to be pragmatic about how to make it work in the least damaging way possible. I know that’s depressing.

@Bibbetybobbity Remember not everyone has a choice of secondary.
And a change of HT and the ethos of the school can change.

Well yes- I guess I’m trying to acknowledge quite how hard it will be to find this utopian school where phones aren’t crucial for every day interaction, but I think that if it’s vital for parents then they should set out trying to find it, rather than making their child the odd one (or few) out. I’m not saying it’s realistic or easy, I’m saying it’s part of the deal.

This is what I’ve done with DS1 (11). He’s got the same settings as his iPad, so I have to approve absolutely everything he tries to gain access to. I’ve told him no WhatsApp until I can trust others to use it properly (maybe never 😆) and he has no social media whatsoever. It’s basically messages and calls. And Pokémon Go.

@Bibbetybobbity Thanks - we're in a small town, and the school in question does not require children to have a phone. If they need a video of a particular science experiment, I imagine the school can put a relevant video file somewhere accessible for those who haven't videoed it themself.

Several of the concerns raised by other posters are mitigated; the school is within active travel distance, as are friends' homes and their various mid-week activities, so a phone is unlikely to be needed for the few times they'll be getting a bus in the near future - we could suck up them paying an adult fare now and again. I'd be a lot more concerned about not being included in whatsapp groups if my child had fewer real world interests / hobbies, but I think there's a reasonable chance their involvement in sports and the real world interactions that go along with that might go some way to mitigate delaying digital interactions for a period of time. Their weekends usually involve travel for sports competitions, often with overnight stays. If this pattern continues then, with or without a phone, they wouldn't be around locally to get to many ad-hoc gatherings.

I'm mindful that ubiquity doesn't necessarily mean things are a good idea, and also that not all aspects of modern life are beneficial or healthy. There's undeniably a social penalty to be paid when going against what others are doing - different choices are often perceived as an implicit criticism - but that doesn't automatically clinch the argument.

Don’t forget that many at his sports group are going to have phones and he’ll be left out of things there.

How does your son feel? Would it ultimately damage your relationship with your son if he feels he has paid this “social penalty “ for your decision?

Great thread with some excellent wise replies. There is a middle way. It requires lots and lots of parental supervision of their digital activities, conversations and education. Get your teens to watch the Social Dilemma. I made it a prerequisite for mine for getting a smart phone when they started year 7.

@justabigdisco how did you disable safari? Everything I have read suggests it’s impossible? Thanks

Really sorry but I can’t remember. At first we just deleted the app but then realised that it would still open if you clicked on a hyperlink eg in an email. So I googled and found out how to do it - think it’s via the screen time settings

Thanks, I will have a dig around and see what I can do. I can definitely block Safari during “downtime” but didn’t think there was a way to get rid of it.

If you deny your child a phone when they are an essential tool for their social lives, I guarantee you will have a rebel on your hands

They have a phone. I've asked for experiences of people whose teenage children do not have a smartphone. Are you speaking from personal experience of this situation?

If not, thanks for your confident opinion, nay, 'guarantee', on the behaviour a child you probably don't know will come out with in a situation they're not going to be in....

Mine needs the smartphone for their apps school homework, attendance, timetable, bus ticket, sports chats sorting times, venues etc. library access, gym access , swimming access. school does use them also.

That's before their social life, the meet ups are fluid and that's how people are included. Those without the smart phones end up taking old passed on phones from friends to keep in the loop. And the parents think they aren't on them so no oversight 🤷‍♀️.

Plus to get messages from teachers during the day.

@Zonder forgot that 😉 and the links for resources for projects.

Surely, a lot of these can be accessed with a laptop from home?

May as well say the same about sex, alcohol, driving and smoking eh?

I feel sorry for the new adults who were basically our test run to see what social media does to very young brains. Skyrocketed rates of anxiety and depression is absolutely linked to social media.

I think our plan is bare bones iPhone (no internet, social media etc) as late as possible. And initially it belongs to us and is our property, not the kid’s.

I don’t think it’s having a smartphone which is the problem, it’s parents letting under 13’s have access to apps like WhatsApp below the legal age. The age is there for a purpose as they aren’t old enough to use it responsible

Unless the school makes it compulsory to have a phone for the teacher to communicate with pupils, it’s up to the school to make alternative arrangements.

Well done OP for holding out on this. I think in another decade or so we will look back with horror about what we put our kids through by giving them a tool that is so addictive and damaging. Most parents do try to mitigate the damage but I think once the kid has access to the Internet it's hard to control what the outcome is. I predict and hope that smartphones will soon be banned for under 16s.

It's not an implied criticism it's explicit 'smart phone are bad for children' but that really shouldn't matter, as grown up we should be able to handle others disapproving of our parenting choices. In my view it's worth trying a middle way give them a smart phone with most of the functionality switched off. WhatsApp is good for smallish group chats, don't allow big group chats or any social media. You have much better visibility of who's on a WA chat, can remove people if it's not working and easily back. That's not as easy on a SMS group chat. Phone downstairs at night and most of the day too. If a dc can't handle this then Brock phone, or none.

I'll add that is the irresponsible parents who give their child a smart phone and never check or limits its use. That's neglect.