Does anyone else have a teen who is bordering on becoming a school refuser?

[JMSA]

I'd love to hear from you if so, because I feel wretched.
This concerns my nearly 15 year old daughter, who is the youngest of 3 girls. Primary school went fine, years 7 and 8 went fine (I think that's the first and second year of high school in England - we're in Scotland). In year 9, she started to refuse to go in some days, as she really hated the private school she attended. I tried to work with her and the school, but she was miserable and it just didn't work. She's not an academic child - truth be told, school has never really been her bag - and the days there were too long for her, with compulsory sports after school and a longish coach ride home.
At her request, I moved her to the local secondary school. She has friends there and I was hopeful that a fresh start and shorter day (a 5 - 10 minute walk home!) would be beneficial to her. And for the record, I've never been a pushy parent. All I've ever done is encourage her to try her best and to be polite and respectful in school (her behaviour has never been an issue in school, so that's something at least!).
She started at the local school last Monday and attended every day but Wednesday. She refused to go in because her two friends were on a school trip, and she didn't feel ready to do it without them. Ideally she'd have had the resilience to get through this challenge, but we are where we are.
It just feels absolutely awful, when your child won't go to school. I always thought 'that would never be me - I'd drag them out of their bed!' But actually, you can't
She is so incredibly stubborn. I have always encouraged my girls to communicate with me, but she's such a closed book emotionally and puts up such barriers. At home, she's really grumpy. Consequences don't work either.

I'm on my own with my 3 and work full-time (ironically, in a secondary school!), and some mornings I've had to stop myself from bursting into tears on the bus to work. I'm a good mum but feel like such a failure on the mornings that I can't get her in.
All I want is for her to be happy, to be in school and to be achieving in whatever way that means for her. I worry about the future too.
The girls see their dad regularly, but he's not very supportive of me. She would go in for him, of that I'm sure, as he can be a bit scary when opposed (in the strict sense, not abusive). But he refuses to have her on school nights, to give me a break. He is very career focused.
I've tried gentle parenting, being strict, open and communicative, proactive when dealing with all of this and liaising with school, being present and giving her space. Everything. My older daughters tell me I'm doing a great job, but it doesn't feel that way.
The thought of things going wrong at the new school is pretty soul-destroying. And I hate waking up in the morning, not knowing how it's going to go. The uncertainty is awful. And yes, we have nightly check-ins to quickly chat about the day ahead, but she has still previously backed out of going.
Please can anyone help or advise. It used to be that she would do as I asked, but now it feels like she is the one holding the power.
School refusal is singularly the most difficult cycle to break. So how do I do it, especially without back up or support?
Thank you ... and please don't judge me

My 15 yo daughter too.

It's a constant struggle. And alot of the time school just rings me to pick her up because she's just sat in the office crying.

My 14 year old daughter is now in an SEMH school after a year of being out of education. Undiagnosed ADHD led to anxiety, depression and an eating disorder.

The majority of school refusers have some kind of additional needs or mental health difficulties op. Please don't write it off as stubbornness without investigating this first.

You sound like a fantastic and caring mum. I agree with the PP that she may have some additional needs or MH struggles worth investigating and perhaps reaching out to services would help. It sounds like you are keeping communication channels open which is great

Came very close with my ds. Got through with an awful lot of support from school. If he asked to come home, they didn’t put up much resistance and we had quite a few “slow mornings” too.

It built up an unspoken understanding that going in was the default, but there was wriggle room about how long for. But obviously, that approach was based on me being available to be with him in the mornings, or collect early.

I think it’s pretty shit that her df can just opt out of his responsibility in this. But I understand that you can’t fight battles on two fronts. His approach might not be ideal though. I often reflect on my dps approach to parenting. I was miserable in school but would never have dared tell them! Not ideal, as my therapy bills can attest.

I’m guessing that the balance lies somewhere between addressing whatever support needs she has (has nd and Sen been ruled out?), scaffolding her through the transition, and making the alternative to school a little bit more demanding .

I’d probably say that if you’re not in school or at work you need to sort the housework, cook dinner etc. It might do her MH to feel useful rather than hiding in bed and it’s a step in the right direction. With my ds the deal is that we home school missed lessons and he has to catch up on the homework (he knows mum is more boring than his teachers)

Not sure if there’s anything useful in that, you’ll know yourself what would fit in your family. Don’t doubt yourself though. You sound like a great mum.

I know it’s not always easy but you need to find out what is behind her refusal. Is it bullying? Undiagnosed or diagnosed neurodivergence? Something else.

Have you had a conversation with the school’s SENCO to see if they can help?

No advice but want to say I get it. Like you I used to think ‘just drag them out of bed and make them’. Easier said than done! DD11 was fine at Primary however for the last term has been a nightmare (coming to the end of year 7). Some morning she sobs and sobs, others she complains she’s ill, we’ve had all sorts of aliments. I’ve had to physically take her into reception crying some days. It’s heart breaking. She has only point blank refused for one day to date. I had to leave for work and no amount of shouting, talking, listening, bribing was changing her mind. I’m certain she’s ASD but she masks at school so getting no where with referrals.

Following

You hit the nail on the head with your comment about her being the one holding the power. She absolutely is!
There’s almost an epidemic of teens refusing to go to school, for many, many reasons. The more that teens hear about it, the more they will go down that route. Honestly, I have no idea what the short term solution is. I’m lucky that my DDs went to school mostly willingly. DD1 went because that’s where all her friends were - she saw school as some sort of social society. DD2 went because she had a life plan mapped out from a young age! She hated it, but saw it as a means to an end.
It sounds like your DD has several issues - her first school sounds like it wasn’t a good fit, she’s joined another school as an in year admission (that’s always challenging to deal with), her parents live apart. What happens when she refuses to go in? How does that impact your job?

Thanks very much indeed for your replies. I appreciate it a lot. It's so helpful to know that I'm not alone in this.
I've sometimes suspected ADHD. Her thought processes can be different to the norm. And although well-behaved at school, she's really unfocused in lessons. She has very little confidence in her abilities. She seldom revises or does homework, even though she knows I'd help her anytime.
I suggested to her dad a while back that we go halves on a private diagnosis. He refused. He's very wealthy, so it's not a money issue, but he's in denial.
Our now 23 year old daughter was diagnosed with high-functioning autism at 16.

Hi Op. I completely feel for you and know everything you are feeling and going through.

My DD (now 17) missed the whole of year 9 and half of year 10 and 11. She spent the best part of a year in bed anxious and depressed. I hadn't considered Autism until CAMHs suggested she get assessed after a particularly horrific trip to A and e . You are more familiar with it by the sounds of things. She now has a diagnosis of ADHD and Autism which made sense of a lot. It also made me feel less guilt as a parent that I had done something wrong along the way (my ex is awful to me and blamed me for everything)

There are no obvious solutions but the biggest thing that I learnt is that when they can't go to school.. it really is that. They can't. It's not won't .Endless 'helpful relatives and people who think they would do in your situation will come along with suggestions about taking their phone away, giving them consequences if they don't go in, incentivising them to go in, 'forcing' them in etc. It'll pointless as it is either suggesting they are just choosing not to go in and that you are making it too 'nice' at home, or it's punishing them for something they can't actually do.

They need an ally (you) in order to retain your relationship and home needs to be the place where she feels safe. Of course I still encouraged when I thought we might be on a good run but there were points where I just knew it was pointless.

The other thing I realised is that after a few good days at school (Ie if she made it through a whole week or 4 days... it took so much out of her (the school day, the masking and ensuing anxiety) that this would inevitable be followed by a difficult period as she was so exhausted - so I started to expect this after a good run rather than think all the problems were solved.

You work in a school so you know how it works. I always tried to be as proactive as possible in building good relationships with the contacts in the school to show I was as on top of things as I could.

Even with all the trips to a and e, the absences, the diagnoses the school still didn't think if they applied for an EHCP that she would get one. I applied myself and it was awarded after she was assessed.

I know if you work in a school that it must make it incredibly difficult to be at home and with her. I work in an office and thankfully had an understanding manager - plus it really started getting really bad in covid but continued well beyond.

When everyone returned to work, unless she was showing signs of being really depressed I just used to go into work and ask my neighbour to check in on her a few times a day. None of it ideal but she has stopped going to her Dad's and you have to keep your job right?

Sorry I have just completely rambled. It's such an emotional rollercoaster and you just want them to be happy and ok. Nothing can prepare you for it.

But they can equally surprise you in a good way!

My DD missed the last 4 months of school before her GCSEs. I managed to secure home tutoring for 3 hours a day from the LEA and she decided she felt able to back into school 2 days before study leave started. Completely out of the blue. She took and passed 5 GCSEs amazingly and started A levels this year.

I thought we were home and dry as she loved her 3 subjects and seemed to be thriving in the environment.

However she has now dropped out a few weeks ago. All of her friends are off doing university open days and revising for mocks. I am sitting here scratching my head again! She has started a 2 day a week job but I have no idea what the future holds.

I do think she'll be ok in the end ... but (another thing I learnt) .... it may or may not be linear for your DD. It's certainly not for mine but I have had to make my peace with it and trust it will all be ok in the end!

There is an EBSA support thread on here with lots of good advice. You might not be at that stage - and hopefully won't be but it could be useful. I went into this sleepwalking and wish I had known more about EBSA before it happened so I could have dealt with it better at the start.

I’ve been there op. Right down to trying the new school. She also stayed off a few days after starting and so the cycle began again. I don’t know what the answer is but never blame yourself, you’ve tried absolutely everything and done nothing wrong. It’s just the way she is, maybe she just can’t cope with the modern school which by all accounts is like a zoo these days, with incredible pressure on the kids academically from year 9 onwards. Get the school involved and see if they will help, demand to speak to the senco. she may need a reduced timetable. Also..if things don’t work out academically, there’s always adult education and different ways of catching up when she’s older. You’re doing a great job, thinking of you.

@JMSA

The other thing I forgot to say is.. are you on Facebook? Even if you aren't I'd say there is group on there worth joining for. It's a private group called 'not fine in school' . As you say its incredibly isolating going through this and I was so grateful to hoping this group. There are thousands and thousands of parents on there going through this. So much good advice.

Having an ND sibling raises the chances that she will be ND too. I hope things get easier soon.

Glad I found this thread as it’s really relatable for me. You all sound like you are doing incredibly well to manage difficult situations. My daughter (coming to end of yr 7) is at school part time and I’m just beginning to realise how difficult it’s going to be to break the cycle. She had what is easiest to describe as a breakdown at the beginning of year 6 and developed functional symptoms so severe she couldn’t walk and struggled to breathe - it was like she was having a permanent asthma attack / panic attack. The only time it stopped was when she slept (that’s when it finally dawned on me it was psychological and not some awful illness the doctors had missed). She missed most of year 6 (spent it in bed, literally not able to walk), and she gradually began walking in the spring. I had pretty much given up on her starting secondary, but she did go in and managed just one lesson for a while. It eventually became 2 lessons and now she spends most of the day in school but I am struggling to get her to make it to a full day. I think she now (subconsciously) views school as optional. She does get very tired, and her breathing symptoms are still a struggle. So I’m trying to do what an earlier poster said and be supportive and understanding. But I do worry that it’s going to be impossible to break the cycle of missing parts of school. I don’t want to be mean / pushy / unsupportive but also feel that she may need a bit of tough love to get her to more like full time school. Whatever, it’s all very hard :(((

Actually in tears at your stories. Not in a pitying way, though I do feel for you. It's just empathy and emotion I think.
Thanks for the FB group tip and for everything really

Totally relatable, especially the parts about seeing school as optional.
That's the danger, isn't it? It starts with one day off, and before you know it you're on a slippery slope.

JMSA yes! And I swing between thinking I need to push her more but also totally aware that it’s totally impossible to drag them physically to school. Luckily at the moment my daughter is going in voluntarily but if I start to push and refuse to collect her early (when she chooses to leave) then she may just refuse to go in at all. It feels like a precarious balancing act!

Yes I totally agree. I feel like I have taken up residence on a tightrope for the last 4 years.

I absolutely agree with you that there were days where I questioned if she was taking the piss rather than genuinely unable to go in. I posted about it on Not fine in school as did lots of others.

It was the grey area days that I struggled with the most as I was constantly questioning myself and was I doing the right thing.

Ultimately though, I do firmly believe that most kids want to be like their peers, they don't want to be different or stuck at home away from friends and stressing.

My DD was at home watching the traitors one day and I was working. I came and watched half an hour with her and I said 'oh I'd so love to be on the sofa watching the rest of this with you' . She said 'well I'd prefer to be able to be at school' . I do genuinely believe that they don't really enjoy their time at home as they know where they 'should' be.

I might not be right but that's what I always told myself. Obviously every teen/ child is different though

No-one understands this unless they have been through it. I am so glad you have found support and understanding on this thread! I have 2 boys out of school (14 and 16). Because of SEN and mental health. And just hating "the system".

Not having school to worry about (my eldest gets no provision from the LEA at all, despite having an EHCP, and my youngest is "home ed") is a great big relief for us all. It is currently Monday morning and they are sleeping as long as they want! We tried every trick in the book to get them into school at various times, like you, but if they won't go, they won't go, and it was crushing us all. Life is way too short to be fighting with our own kids, literally every day.

Neither of them want to go to college or even get GCSEs, and I can't force them (I have tried!).

So - we are having to think about their future in new ways. We are currently considering how to start some sort of family business with them, to slowly build up, for them make full-time at 18. If they are self-employed with useful skills to offer, and customers to offer those skills to, then they will be ok, and GCSEs won't matter.

My now 16yo school refused in Dec 22, she was diagnosed autistic in June 23. Hasn't been in school, has completely missed her GCSEs (alternative provision broke down). It's now a race against time to get her EHCP drafted, approved and funded so she can start at a tuition centre in September.

I'd start by asking the school if they have someone managing EBSA. Google EBSA and your local authority and see if resources come up - or use the ones for West Sussex - to look at push and pull factors and try to determine why she can't go into school.

I personally found the NFIS Facebook overwhelming. Every response seemed to be "home school your child" which was simply not an option for me.

As you have late-diagnosed ND in your family already, I'd kick off right to choose.

I'd also start with asking the LA for help as soon as she hits 15 days out of school (doesn't have to be consecutively). I waited 4 months, not realising how long it would take.

Op I really feel for you. My son left school last October. He just couldn't cope with the pressure of the upcoming exams. Totally overwhelmed home. Was misbehaving at school and getting detention for the silliest little thing. I asked school if he could go part time or just do the most important GCSEs (maths and English). They refused. Had to be in school full time or not at all. Been a combination of home schooling and a private tutor. Good luck with your daughter, I hope you get something sorted. But if she's really not happy then maybe she's not cut out for education in the traditional sense?? Hugs x

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit nodding along

It’s impossible to know how to handle it unless you’ve been through it. When DD first started refusing they put her into a support room to work on her own, which seemed great and she was doing well. The lack of interaction was the worst thing for her and she had a total breakdown.
It’s been hard to get her back in, good support in school is the key. Like I said to them, I can push from out of school but she needs someone in school she trusts to push her as well otherwise it won’t work.
DD is part time and not doing all the GCSEs. We get on okay, any changes and she falls apart though.

I'd really consider homeschooling or distance learning. If a private school was withing your budget, maybe you could get a tutor.

I read this a few months ago and it brought a tear to my eye. It's written by the father of a 12 year old girl who suffers from anxiety re school. He's also a headmaster at another school.

https://uk.strangerthingsonstage.com/?utmsource=dbmtp-aka-incubetauk-dv360-uk839209226-strangerthingsthefirstshadow&utmmmedium=display&utmcampaign=theatreecm360awarenessreachinterestbasedaudiencesdemoo30723845&utmcontent=cpm-broaddq4-dec%282023%29oexxaka-dv360prspplookalike%3Ahomepagevisitin-pltfmmakawhitelistaudience-quotes-uk-in-platform-data&campaignnid=30723845&adsetid=384125698&add_id=206900963