Does anyone else have a teen who is bordering on becoming a school refuser?

[JMSA]

I'd love to hear from you if so, because I feel wretched.
This concerns my nearly 15 year old daughter, who is the youngest of 3 girls. Primary school went fine, years 7 and 8 went fine (I think that's the first and second year of high school in England - we're in Scotland). In year 9, she started to refuse to go in some days, as she really hated the private school she attended. I tried to work with her and the school, but she was miserable and it just didn't work. She's not an academic child - truth be told, school has never really been her bag - and the days there were too long for her, with compulsory sports after school and a longish coach ride home.
At her request, I moved her to the local secondary school. She has friends there and I was hopeful that a fresh start and shorter day (a 5 - 10 minute walk home!) would be beneficial to her. And for the record, I've never been a pushy parent. All I've ever done is encourage her to try her best and to be polite and respectful in school (her behaviour has never been an issue in school, so that's something at least!).
She started at the local school last Monday and attended every day but Wednesday. She refused to go in because her two friends were on a school trip, and she didn't feel ready to do it without them. Ideally she'd have had the resilience to get through this challenge, but we are where we are.
It just feels absolutely awful, when your child won't go to school. I always thought 'that would never be me - I'd drag them out of their bed!' But actually, you can't
She is so incredibly stubborn. I have always encouraged my girls to communicate with me, but she's such a closed book emotionally and puts up such barriers. At home, she's really grumpy. Consequences don't work either.

I'm on my own with my 3 and work full-time (ironically, in a secondary school!), and some mornings I've had to stop myself from bursting into tears on the bus to work. I'm a good mum but feel like such a failure on the mornings that I can't get her in.
All I want is for her to be happy, to be in school and to be achieving in whatever way that means for her. I worry about the future too.
The girls see their dad regularly, but he's not very supportive of me. She would go in for him, of that I'm sure, as he can be a bit scary when opposed (in the strict sense, not abusive). But he refuses to have her on school nights, to give me a break. He is very career focused.
I've tried gentle parenting, being strict, open and communicative, proactive when dealing with all of this and liaising with school, being present and giving her space. Everything. My older daughters tell me I'm doing a great job, but it doesn't feel that way.
The thought of things going wrong at the new school is pretty soul-destroying. And I hate waking up in the morning, not knowing how it's going to go. The uncertainty is awful. And yes, we have nightly check-ins to quickly chat about the day ahead, but she has still previously backed out of going.
Please can anyone help or advise. It used to be that she would do as I asked, but now it feels like she is the one holding the power.
School refusal is singularly the most difficult cycle to break. So how do I do it, especially without back up or support?
Thank you ... and please don't judge me

@Porageeater

Same here. She started A levels but despite being academically capable in theory she just couldn't do it. I haven't told the school yet but it won't come as a huge surprise as she was absent for so much of years 9, 10 and 11.

However she is much better suited to working. She has a job as a runner 2 days a week for a friend's TV company and goes in no problem and really enjoys it. I did really want her to do A levels but I came to the conclusion that there is no point in forcing them to do something that that can't handle.

This time last year she missed 4 months of school but did make it in for the core subjects GCSEs. At one point I didn't think she would take any. They can surprise you!

Hi, I haven’t had time to read all replies but am marking my place as my 14 year old daughter is verging on school refusal and I need all the support I can get! This is so hard. I’ll be back later 💐

Our reason for removing the Internet access was two fold. Firstly, because of course my daughter would have rather sat in her room and scrolled all day than gone to school.

And secondly, no one’s mental being improves when sitting alone in a room with unlimited internet time.

@Momstermunch

I'm with you. And the general advice is the same. Whilst I wish we could just throw all smart phones out of the window (mine included) when they are not going to school it's often their only source of contact and also - as you say- it's can't not won't in most of these cases. So it feels like a punishment for something they already feel bad enough about anyway.

My DD has struggled for the last 4 years to go into school. She hates the fact that she can't, and genuinely wants to be there with her friends. She constantly says how she just wants to be 'normal'. She absolutely spends more time on her phone that I would like but that's not the root cause of the issue (she's autistic) nor is taking the phone off her a solution.

I do appreciate that every young person is different so I guess we all have to do whatever feels appropriate.

I'm absolutely not criticising nolongersurprised - I think we're all feeling our way in the dark a bit here and have to do what we think is best for our individual kids. I just don't think it would work or make any difference for our daughter.

Your post gives me hope anyway that they can't come out the other side of it!

hmmm, I came on this thread with sympathy in mind, thinking this was going to be a problem with bullying or a medical or SEN issue. However, it just sounds as if your daughter is being spoiled, mollycoddled and acting entitled. She seems to think that going to school is a choice and she only has to go when things are 100 percent how she wants them to be.

I absolutely wouldn’t be allowing this. For her own good , if all else had failed, I would one hundred percent dragging her to school in her PJ’s/taking EVERYTHING away until she got the message that she doesn’t just get to decide she doesn’t like it. We all have to do things we don’t like in life and learn the resilience to get through it.

I would still offer rewards for going and possibly think about some counselling etc but from what you have said it just sounds like she doesn’t want to go to school because she thinks she can do whatever she wants.

Which poster are you talking about?

@Icannoteven

I dragged my DD into school at the start of her EBSA issues 4 years ago and It was nothing short of traumatic for everyone. She has a panic attack in the car, was sobbing constantly and pleading with me not to make her go in.

It's absolutely understandable that someone would offer their opinion on what they think they would do in this situation. I didn't think this would ever be the case for me or my DD. She is articulate, has plenty of friends and is academically bright. But she cannot do school. She has now left half way through A levels despite desperately wanting to go to university like her friends. It's blighted the last 4 years of our lives and has been extremely hard.

So no. Dragging them into school and taking away a phone wouldn't work.

I always wonder whether the 'drag them in their pyjamas' crowd have actually thought through that comment. We seem to be mostly talking about 14 year old girls here. Many of whom will be adult size - come bigger than their parents. So, I ask you icannoteven to just think about that for a second. You can't pick them up. You get your arms under their arm pits and drag them outside? Then you drag them along the pavement or to a car..you get to the car and you are trying to pull or push them in the car door. You get them to school and you drag them along the pavement in their pyjamas through the school gate?

Really?

You can't bully or 'I'm in charge' your way through every parenting issue. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your viewpoint.

@Momstermunch

I second this.

What people think they would do and the reality of actually carrying that out are two very different things.

I might have been part of the 'I would drag them in in their pyjamas' brigade' had I not been through this (however I'd like to think I'd have been more empathetic) ... but the reality is impossible. It was impossible when my DD was 13 and she's almost 17 now. It's still impossible.

I’m not at all offended, and I appreciate that what worked for my daughter isn’t universally applicable.

Being strict with phones and with attendance only worked, I think, because she actually liked school, doesn’t have ASD and is inherently academic with firm long-term goals.

14 seems to be a big year for children working out their identity and sense of self and with my daughter everything must have felt like it changed at once. Part of her identity was as a swimmer, but she didn’t want to step up her training to 30 hours /week but she also didn’t like how her friends were now faster than she was. Her skin was suddenly bad and her grades in subjects that had previously been effortless weren’t as strong.

It was all a bit too much, all at once - whilst all still just being normal teenage stuff - and while her instinct was to hide away I felt that she needed to sit with the discomfort, not distract herself from it by internet rabbit holes.

The issues that were plaguing her didn’t all go away immediately by her going back to school but her wellbeing stabilised a bit with the social contact and the routine and by year 10 she was much more content.

From the other side, DD ( now 19) became a permanent school refuser at approx 15, school tried to be supportive but they encouraged and we went down the forcing the issue route, not a good idea. Eventually stopped going at all and couldn't even attend for exams, left school with no qualifications.

If I could go back, I'd go gentler and encourage attendance when they felt up to it, 2 days a week is a lot better than never . Put DD off education.

Also look at the "Not Fine in School" FB group.

Can you encourage her to get some school work done at home on the days she feels she can't go in?
Lockdown was an absolute dream for DD, working from home, did very well for that 6 months.

@Wavingnotdrown1ng great to hear a positive story, well done to your DD for coming through it

I literally could have written this! You’ve described my own daughter to a tee. I can’t tell you how relieved I am to find others in a similar boat 💐💐💐

This is the sort of thing that happened with my DD in primary before she was even suspected of having ASD. She worried endlessly about getting things wrong or getting told off - the accelerated reader programme was a particular trigger.

She coped at primary, but transition to secondary went badly wrong at least partly because there were all these new rules and so many more new possibilities for getting things wrong (especially as she transitioned during COVID, so there were also all the extra rules around one way systems and masks and bubbles).

At the time we did not have all the information we have now about her diagnosis and other mental health issues. Even so, I now feel like we got it all wrong at that point. I do know that trying to force her in did not work and did damage to our relationship with her which has taken quite a while to repair.

My 15 yo DS is now at 70% attendence. Has recently been diagnosed ND though I''ve known for years. Also had an issue with my DD a couple of years ago and I became aware of EBSA at that point. One of the hardest things, especially for a lone parent is that no-one else is there in the mornings. Its all on you and well meaning freinds, teachers, grandparents just do not get why yiu aren't going nuclear, banning phones etc. At first I made her be in uniform from 9-3, no screens etc. She complied, did the work I set her etc but it made no difference to her EBSA. Eventually we moved school (I am one of those who scrapes private fees with lots of juggling and debt) and that helped - same with DS but he is now really struggling and I don't know what will happen to his Y11. Its helpful to read about those who missed GCSEs but are now doing better later on. Its v hard not to panic. OP stick around on threads like this for support and the FB groups (though I agree the emphasis there on "just home school" isn;t helpful if you have to work. Don't get disheartened by those who don't get it. Just remind yourself they really don't. And tell them that too.

Hi, I know this thread is old, but posting just in case. Sitting here in tears and at breaking point. My oldest daughter (15) seems to be completely opting out of school. She was miserable in the early years of secondary school and started hiding in the loos, and completing tests (which were constant) but hiding them rather than handing them in. It was escalating rapidly, and the only response was punishment, even though they said they didn't see it as a behavioural issue. It was just the only tool they used.

I sent her to a Steiner school and she spent two blissful years there before moving into the GCSE years. Now, with that pressure back, she is once again struggling to stay in lessons or engage in any of what the school has to offer. Now she has just announced she is not going in tomorrow.

The school are lovely. They don't see it as naughtiness but as struggling. They have suggested getting her tested as it may help with her self image and confidence. But there doesn't seem to be a clear idea of what she should be tested for. She definitely has some processing challenges. They suspect ADD possibly. They also suspect depression. (Have tried the GP, but they said it is the school's responsibility.) She started counselling but then refused to go.

We have just a few months to go until exams and there is no way she is going to get them (They only take 5, as only half the curriculum is accredited.) That means we have no idea what will happen next year, which is causing her a lot of anxiety. She won't engage with college applications.

At the same time, I have spent every last penny I have on the school. I feel sick with worry about money and trying really hard not to resent the fact that she is still not able to get on with things, despite it being such a lovely environment. She has good friends and she agrees that it is a great school. It doesn't seem like much to ask to go and do your best, but I guess it isn't as simple as that.
Feeling desperate!

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am a long way down the road of EBSA with my DD who is also in Year 11. It's a very difficult time because it takes a long time to access support. It's good that your school are understanding but if their strategies don't seem effective you need to meet with them again.

If she is otherwise happy in school then it seems to be the pressure of GCSEs that is affecting her. Try to take the pressure off and reassure her the GCSE results don't matter (even if you think they do). Lower any demands around extra-curricular activities etc unless they help woth her mental health. Dont be fobbed off by the GP - mental health difficulties are fully within their remit rather than the school. You could ask for a CAMHS referral but they take forever and are, IME, hopeless. You could look into local organisations that offer counselling for young people.

Start the process for autism and ADHD assessment - 90% of children who struggle with school attendance are neurodivergent. You can ask the school to do this but probably quicker to go via the GP. Ask to see someone different than you did before if you feel they aren't supportive.