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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to prom afterparty

95 replies

FTwkgmumof2 · 17/05/2024 08:41

New to this and after some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post, feel very upset for my daughter, and hate that other people have so much influence over her happiness.
Live in UK and have an almost 16 year old currently doing GCSEs. She's been talking about going to prom for the last year, was very excited etc. This week she has found out one of her 'friends' is having a prom after party and she is the only one in her friend group not invited. She's mega upset, doesn't understand why she's being left out, always tries to be nice and thoughtful to others and its just not reciprocated. She's feeling that low about it I worry its starting to interfere with her GCSEs and is going to totally ruin prom for her.
I convinced her to message the friend and ask if everything was ok and if there was a reason she hadn't been invited. The friend just said I've been told 20 people, and she just forgot about her so unfo she can't come, says she first on the reserve list!
My daughter reckons, there's people she's not that good friends with, just friends of friends so suspects there more to it why she wasn't invited.

Worse still, all her close friends are invited and pretty much just said how awful it is she's not invited but nobody is saying i won't go if you don't, or I'll have a word with the girl and see if we can sort this out. Daughters feeling very betrayed and questioning if she has any 'real' friends at all.

Secondly, I've agreed that once GCSE's are over she can go to Spain with one of her close friends but now I'm doubting if I want to let her, if this friend is just willing to drop her for a party, can I trust they'll stick together in Spain or if something happens she'll just leave her.

Finally, my daughter is 16 soon and has organised a little party for friends (after GCSEs) at the house, where all these girls are invited, including the one who has said no to her and she has accepted the invite. I've told her there's no way she can come but am I just making things worse for my daughter.

I don't know this mum at all and sure she's not aware of what is going on, i'm debating messaging her privately to explain the situation and the affect its having on my daughter or is that just a no no at this age and i shouldn't interfere?

Thanks for listening if you've made it this far! Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 17/05/2024 09:08

I would leave it for the minute. Yes it's really poor form of them all but this happens in loads of friendship groups at that age and it usually works itself out. Best advice I would give is stay out of it a bit, DO NOT message the mum!! That will escalate things so much and they could all make her the bad guy and make it worse for her. Let things simmer a little and tell her to speak to the friend she's going on holidays with more about it. But most likely it'll resolve and she will end up at the party even though you'll silently seethe as you'll not want her to be friends with them.

Gcsunnyside23 · 17/05/2024 09:11

Also id console her with the fact it's most likely not about her and the other girl throwing her weight about trying to be queen bee, total powerplay. The more your daughter looks annoyed about it all the more power she's giving the girl. That age sucks, girls can be so horrible

Singleandproud · 17/05/2024 09:13

Leave it, you have no idea if she picked the guest list herself or whether her parents have been involved it could be the children of their friends who have gone through school together even if they aren't that close anymore.

Just like in infants you invite the people you want to celebrate with to your own party not dependent on whether they invited you or not to their own party.

BlackStrayCat · 17/05/2024 09:16

I could write a novel...

Youu are not alone.
They are jealous and as PP says it is a powerplay.

Do nothing.
I know; it is horrendous.

Gorgonemilezola · 17/05/2024 09:17

Awful for your DD but not something to get involved in yourself. Is DD off to 6th form college in the autumn? Hopefully she will be able to make a new cohort of friends there.

I don't know that I'd be sending a just turned 16 yo off to Spain with a friend either.

Fulshaw · 17/05/2024 09:20

Leave it, don’t interfere. Instead support your daughter in overcoming emotional challenges such as this, life is hard and unfair sometimes and people aren’t always nice.

Let her go to Spain, let her invite who she wants to her party and don’t message the other mum.

BlackStrayCat · 17/05/2024 09:20

agree
with @Gorgonemilezola

pastaandpesto · 17/05/2024 09:23

OMG do NOT get directly involved and absolutely do NOT dictate to your DD about whether this 'friend' is allowed to DD's party!! And FGS let her go to Spain with her friend if she still wants to!

It's a truly horrible situation and my heart very much goes out to your DD. But equally I can understand why the other friends don't want to stick their necks out and call the 'friend' out on her shitty behaviour - it doesn't mean they are bad friends, it just means they are 15 and 16 year olds who have their own anxieties about their social standing. Of course there are admirable exceptions, but I think for many of us it isn't until we are much older that we have the confidence to stand up for what it right.

Personally I'd be trying to encourage DD to press ahead with her own plans, continue to nurture her friendships, and try to take the higher ground with the 'friend'. And remind her that as a PP said this is likely to be a power play and not as personal as it (understandably) feels to her right now.

Octavia64 · 17/05/2024 09:23

Don't message the other mum.

It's very likely that either the other mum has said you can have twenty people invite who you want

Or
There is a group of parents whose kids have gone through the school together and they are all meeting up after prom.

Either way messaging the mum will get you nowhere.

FrenchandSaunders · 17/05/2024 09:23

It's horrible seeing our DCs left out like this but just sympathise with her and encourage her to move on. Def don't start messaging the mum or anything like that.

The after party one of mine went to was horrendous ..... drunk kids everywhere, fights, drugs, gatecrashers, police. Perhaps she's better off out of it!

Viviennemary · 17/05/2024 09:24

It's a shame tyour DD has been left out. But expecting others not to go if she isn't invited is just not going to happen. I would be tempted to cancel the party I was holding. I wouldn't believe the she got left out by accident line, it's meanness.

Porpoising · 17/05/2024 09:25

Ugh, it is horrible. It’s no consolation of course but I imagine most of us have experienced something similar.

I think inviting the other girl to her party is a dignified response, and makes your daughter look like the better person (which she undoubtedly is.)

MabelMaybe · 17/05/2024 09:31

I think you're being unkind to the girl who is booked to go to Spain with your DD. She likely got an invite and accepted it, why wouldn't she want to go. finding out down the line that your DD hasn't been invited wouldn't mean that she doesn't still want to go. It may take a shine off it but they'd be brave 15 year olds to give up an after prom party to sit in your DD's bedroom with her.

Can you sort something for your DD to do after the prom? Pick her up from the prom to go away for the weekend or similar? She can them put the whole issue behind her and do something you know she'd like.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 17/05/2024 09:39

I wouldn't be messenging the other mother about this shes either completely clueless to it which would suggest to me her DD doesn't count your DD as a close friend or your DD was discussed and opted as a reserve or she knows exactly why she wasn't invited but isnt going to discuss it with you if her daughter doesnt want to.
The response from her DD she forgot and information you have given suggests they are part of the same friendship group but not individually close.
I would stay out of getting involved or making decisions on this but support your daughter through it and disciss healthy friendships and boundaries and support what she decides to do or not do it could be the girl is being nasty excluding her on purpose it could be the girl doesn't count the friendship as strong as your DD does and was capped at 20 it could genuinely be the parents have helped in the decision on who to invite leaving few spaces left for her DD to invite there are numerous reasons.
Maybe see if DD wants to do something herself after the prom she have a couple of cousins who live locally and around her age she could invite over for a little sleepover?
I have a DD the same age very responsible but would not be OK with her going to Spain with just another girl the same age.
I would leave it to your DD to decide if other girl can come to your get together just let her know you will support her decision either way.

Original poster
FTwkgmumof2 · 17/05/2024 09:41

Thanks all for calming me down. I feel so sad and emotional for her and I know I am being irrational at the moment, I just want to protect her.

I know I need to just let it play out and hope for the best!

OP posts:
Motnight · 17/05/2024 09:52

Fulshaw · 17/05/2024 09:20

Leave it, don’t interfere. Instead support your daughter in overcoming emotional challenges such as this, life is hard and unfair sometimes and people aren’t always nice.

Let her go to Spain, let her invite who she wants to her party and don’t message the other mum.

Agree with this, but would be worried that the Spain trip might not actually go ahead anyway.

SpringerFall · 17/05/2024 10:10

She is old enough for you not to be involved

SkiingIsHeaven · 17/05/2024 10:26

This happened to my daughter.

They did invite her in the end then were so horrible to her on the night she left in tears.

I didn't want her to go in the first place and was heartbroken for her because it ruined the whole thing for her.

They were bitches out to cause as much pain as possible.

Later i saw the bullying she received on social media from them. It was horrendous.

Strangely enough, it made her stronger in the end. She messaged back saying that they shouldn't bother bullying her anymore because she wasn't reading what they said and she was taking back her power from them. She blocked them and never went back.

I am very proud of her.

WarningOfGails · 17/05/2024 15:40

Pretty sure my DD won’t be invited to any after prom party. It’s horrible & it hurts, but don’t get involved. If she doesn’t have an invite anywhere in the end, make something fun out of it that weekend maybe.

Golddust90 · 20/05/2024 13:26

I have a teen son same age. Teenagers are a*h*s and sometimes they just do this cuz someone said something or something really pathetic! I wouldnt interfere tho as could make it worse for your daughter. Let her do her own thing after just see what she fancies. My sons not going to prom because of other kids and doesnt feel comfortable enough. Maybe even if she was invited in the emd she would feel uncomfortable anyways if you messaged the parents?? I know you feel for her and its awful but sometimes its better do just say f*k em!!

OmuraWhale · 20/05/2024 13:28

It's so painful OP. You do have to step back a bit though. Just be there for your DD but don't start interfering.

justafleshwound2024 · 20/05/2024 13:36

You shouldn't have convinced her to message her friend and definitely do NOT interfere further. It's painful, it happens to Iots of teens and the more fuss you make the worse she'll feel with no gain.

activelysleeping · 20/05/2024 13:40

Ah, I remember being 'that girl' who wasn't invited to a 16th birthday. The girl in question was one of my closest friends (or so I thought) and I found out about the party by accident. I was so, so hurt and when I asked, I was told her mum had 'put a limit on numbers'.

As hard as it is, these things are often just a horrible part of growing up and there's nothing you can do but support your DD through it. Is there something you can do for her after Prom that she'll really enjoy? Finances permitting, fancy meal out, weekend away or something else she can focus on?

In 10, 20 years time she'll look back and realise that stuff like this helped her to develop emotional resilience and 'be the better person' but of course right now, it stings.

Madgardenlady · 20/05/2024 13:47

I really feel for you as we had exactly the same last year with our daughter and she was broken by it all. I was also very mad. In the end I toldy daughter she could have her own after party and invite who she wanted. They all came to my daughter's party all 25 of them, it was such a lovely evening for her and they partied till 4am and we're a lovely bunch, even helping to clear up at the end. Only 5 people went to the other girls party in the end. I know this may sound childish but I was fed up of my daughter always being left out when she is the kindest and loveliest girl to everyone. So I really didn't care what the other girl thought about it. I hope it all works out for your daughter and she gets to enjoy her prom and an after party. Xx

Onelifeonly · 20/05/2024 14:02

Don't get involved, just be there to support your daughter. Don't tell her not to invite this girl to her party either - leave that to her. You can't solve these issues but time will pass and one day it won't matter any more. Sometimes at this age friends grow apart - it's not necessarily bullying or being mean, it could be that they know themselves better and realise they don't really gel with someone they previous thought of as a friend.

My youngest had 4 friends in school when she was 15/16. Three went to the same college. One she says she never liked, she was just part of the group. One she came to dislike during college. One is still a friend and she grew apart from the other.

She also had non school friends from an activity she did for many years. The parents of two of the girls were good friends and they all go on holiday together. One of these girls and dd became best friends around 15/16 and still are (19 now). The other girl was not happy and blamed dd for everything - the best friend has to be civil because of the family friendship but is clear she doesn't really have anything in common with the other girl. No one was being mean but the girl and her family thought they were and we (Dh and I) no longer have friendly contact with her parents because of it - we used to socialise with them.