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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to prom afterparty

95 replies

FTwkgmumof2 · 17/05/2024 08:41

New to this and after some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post, feel very upset for my daughter, and hate that other people have so much influence over her happiness.
Live in UK and have an almost 16 year old currently doing GCSEs. She's been talking about going to prom for the last year, was very excited etc. This week she has found out one of her 'friends' is having a prom after party and she is the only one in her friend group not invited. She's mega upset, doesn't understand why she's being left out, always tries to be nice and thoughtful to others and its just not reciprocated. She's feeling that low about it I worry its starting to interfere with her GCSEs and is going to totally ruin prom for her.
I convinced her to message the friend and ask if everything was ok and if there was a reason she hadn't been invited. The friend just said I've been told 20 people, and she just forgot about her so unfo she can't come, says she first on the reserve list!
My daughter reckons, there's people she's not that good friends with, just friends of friends so suspects there more to it why she wasn't invited.

Worse still, all her close friends are invited and pretty much just said how awful it is she's not invited but nobody is saying i won't go if you don't, or I'll have a word with the girl and see if we can sort this out. Daughters feeling very betrayed and questioning if she has any 'real' friends at all.

Secondly, I've agreed that once GCSE's are over she can go to Spain with one of her close friends but now I'm doubting if I want to let her, if this friend is just willing to drop her for a party, can I trust they'll stick together in Spain or if something happens she'll just leave her.

Finally, my daughter is 16 soon and has organised a little party for friends (after GCSEs) at the house, where all these girls are invited, including the one who has said no to her and she has accepted the invite. I've told her there's no way she can come but am I just making things worse for my daughter.

I don't know this mum at all and sure she's not aware of what is going on, i'm debating messaging her privately to explain the situation and the affect its having on my daughter or is that just a no no at this age and i shouldn't interfere?

Thanks for listening if you've made it this far! Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 20/05/2024 14:07

Agree with everyone else. Dont approach the other parents that’s crazy talk. Build her up be sympathetic but positive and breezy. Accept non inviting girl is not a friend but it’s too much to ask the others to boycott too. Your Dd probably wouldn’t if the boot were on the other foot.

Sympathy though it is shit. But sadly it’s life. Things open up and re jig in 6th form so the groups and friendships will change. Now is not a time to burn bridges.

Welcome2thecircus · 20/05/2024 14:12

I can appreciate she must feel upset but just like a birthday party there is often limited numbers due to space, money etc and the girl might connect more with other people.

I wouldn't make it any bigger than it is. My child has been left out of class parties before and though dissapointed he took it in his stride.

I wouldn't do tit for tat.. As this does, and will happen in life and it's important we teach our kids to own their happiness and not to give control to other people.

I also wouldn't punish her friends for attending. It's not their fault.

Why not plan something special, like a spa day for you both.

I hope she has a lovely prom ❤️

NikNak321 · 20/05/2024 14:32

Definitely don't get involved at all. She's of an age where it can do more harm than good and even though it doesn't feel like it; it is character building learning to deal with lifes disappointments. From your description your daughter sounds like me at her age. I was in a 'popular' crowd, but kinder and more mature. Often left out and marginalised due to this along the way. The 'mean girls' seems to always have the upper hand. But they grow up. The friend that didn't always have my back and dropped me for a boy or a party grew up. She is still my best friend and has been for 33 years. The things I hated about her lessened and the great things about her deepened with maturity. So don't get in-between her and her friend. Trust her judgement and believe that she will grow and her friends will too; or they'll grow apart and she will choose more wisely in her adult years. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, resilient and problem solvers. If you take that away you take away life and growth 👍

It will all be ok in the end op 👍. It was for me. Just be there, give her a hug and be her mum....it's all she needs at her age ❤️

EarthlyNightshade · 20/05/2024 14:33

It's hard, but I think you need to stay out of it, apart from discussing with/supporting your DD.

Spain though, are they going alone or will there be an adult there?
I don't think I'd be letting my DD16 go abroad on her own with just one friend, however close they are.

Sosoclem · 20/05/2024 14:35

I'm so sorry for your daughter. I was this friend in school but it happened more then once and none of my other so called friends ever did a thing to help me, but i never had a mum that cared enough either. I know that is not what you want to hear but I went to college uni and work and have made better friends that way secondary school people are so far behind me.

Ask your daughter what she would like you to do if anything. That's the best advice I can give

gimmegimmegimmeagin · 20/05/2024 14:39

This happened to my son. He was leaving primary and another boy had a p7 leavers party. Two possible secondary schools and my son chose to go to a different school to most of the other boys (good on him
I say) and as a result he wasn't invited to the party. It's many years ago now, and call me petty if you like but I've never spoken or acknowledged that parent or child since.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 20/05/2024 14:39

Sadly, children are like that at the age - just let it rest as its all politics

At 16, your daughter will be moving on, so look ahead

if someone had not invited me, i'd be hurt but get over it and trust me, i'd never invote them

With me, us, we only invite people we want to and have had fillings out with family and in-laws over this.. We can easily afford everyone to some but some just wind me up, so its a no

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/05/2024 14:40

Agree don’t get involved - you possibly just see your dd is the only one from her group not invited, the party girl has been given a 20 guest limit and invited the 20 people she’s closer too, inviting your dd would mean not inviting someone she’s closer too.

are they all planning to go to the same school/college for 6th form/year 12?

Ritadidsomethingbad · 20/05/2024 14:47

My response would be very different whether they were all going to the same collage after school.

ScribblingPixie · 20/05/2024 14:49

There was a girl in my friendship group at school who was never happy unless she had someone isolated. Unfortunately she was huge fun so she got away with it. Looking back I can see she had some stuff going on at home and wasn't happy. I definitely wouldn't interfere, OP, but if there's something special you can organise after prom then I would (with the expectation that she might get a last-minute invite after all).

Peachy2005 · 20/05/2024 15:45

She needs to build her resilience and confidence, kids this age can be awful. It would be great to get her to the point of not caring about it and also to the point where she would happily turn it down if she did suddenly get the invite (“first on the reserve list my arse”)! I would also question the maturity for two 16 year olds on a solo trip to Spain…are they really mature enough for this? As you said, would the friend stick together or possibly ditch your daughter to go off with a guy?

lhlh · 20/05/2024 15:53

the girls who’s said she’s allowed 20 and forgot your dd is an utter bitch and not to be trusted.

I would leave it for now and once the exams are done, I’d encourage your dd to just step back from the whole lot for the summer and then if they are all returning to the same school/college, to make friends with people doing her subjects.

BodyKeepingScore · 20/05/2024 16:02

At 16, I wouldn't be involving myself in this or trying to dictate things regarding my DDs friendship group. At the end of the day, by 16, they're old enough to understand they won't be invited to all of the parties all of the time. If the other girl has been told 20 people only then she's invited the 20 people she wanted there, which is her right to do. I think it's unrealistic for you to think that other children should refuse to go because your DD hasn't been invited.

margymary · 20/05/2024 16:07

Two 16yo girls on their own in Spain at the moment seems a much bigger problem to me. sorry your daughter is upset.

Richard1985 · 20/05/2024 16:08

I feel for you. My daughter is 7 and I'm just discovering the bitchiness that seems to be involved in female friendships and the effect that Queen Bee has on the emotions/happiness of my child

It's hard but I wouldn't message the mother. I imagine that would be social suicide for a 16 year old. I'd also let her go on the holiday. Hopefully that will re-enforce a solid friendship ahead of 6th form/college

Lenoftheglen · 20/05/2024 16:41

Mother of 2 girls and I am out of the other side with one, entering it all again with second.

It is upsetting and at this age they can be quite ruthless and selfish. However, you are projecting adult emotions onto teens, her friends aren't going to protest your dd's lack of invitation by giving up their own.

I would use this as an opportunity to teach her about how these things need to be accepted and seen for what they are. The party girl isn't worth your dd's upset (as much as I know your dd won't feel this just now) I would be inclined to suggest she rethinks her birthday plans. I am all for taking the higher road but not when someone has so pointedly left out my child. There is absolutely nothing wrong in your dd changing her mind about who she invites given how she has been treated.

Also OP, as some pp's have mentioned, going to Spain, barely 16 years old, without proper adult supervision is an extremely unwise idea.

crowandhedgehog · 20/05/2024 16:49

If she is old enough to go to Spain with a friend she is old enough for you not to be involved.

Only4nomore · 20/05/2024 16:55

BlackStrayCat · 17/05/2024 09:16

I could write a novel...

Youu are not alone.
They are jealous and as PP says it is a powerplay.

Do nothing.
I know; it is horrendous.

Totally this! I have had it with mine and its always jealousy

TheaBrandt · 20/05/2024 16:58

Post gcse abroad is a tricky one. Dd1 went with a large sensible group of long time female friends but I lost my nerve and went too albeit staying nearby not with them (Dd still was 15 as v young for year). But I was there. They were beautifully behaved but there was a big issue with transport so with hindsight it was right I was there. She went to Spain in year 12 with a friend absolutely fine. Post gcse ideally if unaccompanied uk only really.

LadyEloise1 · 20/05/2024 18:15

I wouldn't let my really sensible 16 year old dd go to Spain with just one friend.

Bringbackthebeaver · 20/05/2024 18:23

Friendships at that age are very difficult, especially for girls.

As a parent just sympathise with her and give her a hug if she needs one, but don't do anything further than that.

It's a big ask to expect all her friends to boycott the party, and I don't think you should be getting involved in the drama and expressing opinions on whether her friends are good enough. That's for her to decide.

Just let her make her own decisions and be there to support her.

Bringbackthebeaver · 20/05/2024 18:27

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/05/2024 14:40

Agree don’t get involved - you possibly just see your dd is the only one from her group not invited, the party girl has been given a 20 guest limit and invited the 20 people she’s closer too, inviting your dd would mean not inviting someone she’s closer too.

are they all planning to go to the same school/college for 6th form/year 12?

Yes - I remember being 16 and my parents giving me a limit on how many people I could have over. It was a complete social nightmare because you are always missing someone out.

To some extent, this may be an opportunity for her to mature a bit and try to accept that she won't always be at the top of the list, and that's OK.

I know it hurts and is hard as a parent to watch, but there will be others who weren't invited. Some of this is teenage drama that you don't need to be involved in, OP.

Truetoself · 20/05/2024 19:28

@FTwkgmumof2 i just asked my 16 year old what she would do if one of her friendship group was not invited to a mutual "friend's" party. She said she wouldn't go .....

Whatstheword21 · 20/05/2024 20:56

If nothing else, it’s a lesson in resilience for your daughter. Everyone has to learn it at some point unfortunately. It’ll blow over and everything will be fine - just keep reassuring daughter and saying what you have been.

Bibbiddiebopbiddiedooyeah · 20/05/2024 21:17

Ah I’m sorry! I’m dreading this with my DD when she gets older. Although already get bits of this now and she’s only 9! I’d be as upset as you but as others say stay out of it and just keep reassuring her. Girls are horrid!

I still remember a time I was “forgotten” to be invited to a party at 15/16 (near 40 now) and I’m still affronted lol but I made much better friends as I moved through 6th form. It will all blow over and the party will be a distant memory in no time!