Daughter not invited to prom afterparty

[FTwkgmumof2]

New to this and after some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post, feel very upset for my daughter, and hate that other people have so much influence over her happiness.
Live in UK and have an almost 16 year old currently doing GCSEs. She's been talking about going to prom for the last year, was very excited etc. This week she has found out one of her 'friends' is having a prom after party and she is the only one in her friend group not invited. She's mega upset, doesn't understand why she's being left out, always tries to be nice and thoughtful to others and its just not reciprocated. She's feeling that low about it I worry its starting to interfere with her GCSEs and is going to totally ruin prom for her.
I convinced her to message the friend and ask if everything was ok and if there was a reason she hadn't been invited. The friend just said I've been told 20 people, and she just forgot about her so unfo she can't come, says she first on the reserve list!
My daughter reckons, there's people she's not that good friends with, just friends of friends so suspects there more to it why she wasn't invited.

Worse still, all her close friends are invited and pretty much just said how awful it is she's not invited but nobody is saying i won't go if you don't, or I'll have a word with the girl and see if we can sort this out. Daughters feeling very betrayed and questioning if she has any 'real' friends at all.

Secondly, I've agreed that once GCSE's are over she can go to Spain with one of her close friends but now I'm doubting if I want to let her, if this friend is just willing to drop her for a party, can I trust they'll stick together in Spain or if something happens she'll just leave her.

Finally, my daughter is 16 soon and has organised a little party for friends (after GCSEs) at the house, where all these girls are invited, including the one who has said no to her and she has accepted the invite. I've told her there's no way she can come but am I just making things worse for my daughter.

I don't know this mum at all and sure she's not aware of what is going on, i'm debating messaging her privately to explain the situation and the affect its having on my daughter or is that just a no no at this age and i shouldn't interfere?

Thanks for listening if you've made it this far! Any advice welcome.

I dont think over egging the importance of “prom” helps at all either makes the night seem to be of supreme importance and heightens tensions.

Caitlin Moran did a searing column on girls leaving girls out of these parties was really good if you can find it.

I think as a mum all you can do is be supportive and grounding. Sympathy though it’s a really hard stage.

Don’t message the other mum. I think it might help to put yourself in the shoes of this young person and help your dd do the same. She’s been told 20, and perhaps has had a really hard time trying to narrow down her friendship group. Social standing is everything at that age. Perhaps one or some of the girls she isn’t so friendly with are pressuring or even bullying her and she’s worried they will make her life difficult if she doesn’t invite them. She might be seriously stressing and having sleepless nights over it. Some of the mutual friends who have been invited might feel they can’t drop out and support your DD. Doing so might be the noble thing, but if it’s a choice between that and potentially getting a hard time at school….If your DD still wants to be friends with these girls and invite them to her post GCSE party then let her. Yes it will pain you and yes you might want to tear their hair out strand by strand, but teenagers don’t think and reason like grown adults, they are ruled by impulses and what their friends think and they need to be allowed to feel their own way through this.
I do also echo the view of others that a newly turned 16 year is possibly too young for an abroad holiday with friends but I guess you know your kid.

15/16/17 and 18 is a bloody nightmare. I’m so glad DS is now post school, it is so toxic when parents and friends still control friendships and guest lists.
DS’s year all went to Greece after A levels last year. They grouped themselves in their various tribe. DS was a bit pissed off when he was “forgotten “ by one group so ended up with another group of friends.
DS’s best mates mum ( a close friend) was very judgemental that he wasn’t staying with his best mate. Only then did I inform her that his usual group of friends had forgotten him.
I don’t know what happened, and it was a surprise because he has been best friends since they were 3 or 4 and are still very close.
Best friends mum was also surprised, the boys had organised it all themselves so not a parent thing but it did upset him at the time.
He had a great time despite the initial upset.
I sometimes think that by being the one in the friendship group who never throws their toys out of their pram you are often the easiest choice to be dropped when numbers are limited.

My mum heart hurts for you and your daughter so much…

Right, what I would do?

1. if she doesn’t have a bf, I’d hire a model/escort
2. the car? No. Have her arrive by fuck!ng helicopter if you can 🤣
3. I would throw the biggest fuck!ng party that b!tch has ever seen!!! shimmer walls, Prosecco, bubble house, you could do it in a hotel so she can stay the night (with adults on the floor). I’d go nuts… but that’s just me 🤷🏼‍♀️😅

Where do you live? I have an events company I’ll do this for free just to see your girl happy 💖 and the other girl less than happy 🤣

Sorry but I would limit number when my sons had gatherings back at ours and I wouldn't budge. If she had filled her quota she has filled her quota. Unfortunately your DD considered the girl a better friend than she considers your DD or she wouldn't have been forgotten. And no don't insist the friend she wants to take on holiday can't go either. That'd be emotional blackmail and if I were that girl or her parents I would be giving you and your DD a wide berth.

Maybe she could invite others back to yours for after prom.

Aw bless her. I’d probably send the 16th birthday invites out, inviting the girl who hasn’t invited her. The mum will see and may include your DD in the prom party. Always good to be kind and show people how to behave rather than playing tit for tat. Makes you feel better too.

DD will look to you to gauge how big a deal this all is so keep it chill. It’s part of life not always being included. A big group of our friends (of 30 years -holiday together etc) including us weren’t included in a friend’s wedding ceremony. We were heartbroken to arrive & see she’d had only a select few but that’s what she wanted so being left out is still a lesson in adulthood. Life is painful at times. It’ll work out. X

Well I have teen girls and over my dead body would that girl be coming after this! Please teach your dd some self respect. The other girl gets to be mean and still have fun on your account?! Absolutely not.

In your place I would host the most magical pre prom event. Pampering and mock tails and photo shoot with the other girls. Invite everyone but the mean girl and then ask your dd to leave 5 mins early from prom, so doesn’t have to suffer the humiliation of seeing them all excitedly leaving.

Your dd needs to change her plans slightly for her 16th and then tell the girl in question sadly the numbers are now limited.

Don’t create a people pleaser willing to put up with any crap. The only way your dd salvages her self esteem is to really stand her ground. She is leaving anyway so won’t need this girl as a friend going forward. This is not a doormat moment in my view.

Girls can be horrible. Don't message the mum. Tell your daughter that the girl obviously doesn't view her as a good friend, if she is number 21 on a list?! So no spanish trip with her, it has to be with a good close friend, who will have her back. Prom will be great, she doesn't need the after party. Most people don't have one!

I’m with @Polishedshoesalways. I can’t stand this kind of bullshit. It’s all power play. Of course I’d try to defuse the situation for now what with the exams but I wouldn’t want the girl at the birthday party either.
I’ve got a DD the same age so I can appreciate how hard it is - I’ve banned a few girls from my home because of friendship dramas - not that they especially want to come round but it makes me feel better!

If you accepted an invitation to someone’s party you should reciprocate!

After prom parties are normally a drunken mess, so she is probably best out of it.

You see the same women later on here in shitty unequal relationships ‘putting up with’ poor behaviour because they haven’t been taught to stand up for themselves, to be assertive, to say no you won’t treat me that way. It could be a great life lesson for dd given the chance.

Organise pre drinks for the others. Don’t invite the girl playing games at your dds expense.
DD should message the girl after prom - if she still hasn’t been invited - and say in light of the fact I did not make your ‘top 20’ and you no longer consider us good friends and we’re willing to leave me out, I think it might be best if you don’t join my party after all. It would be awkward for both of us.

This is exactly why I have always checked guest lists of my own teens. I have raised thoughtful, kind girls but I have never left it to chance and would pull them up immediately if they played games like this.

You can empower your dd in this moment, or you can instruct compliance and allow the other girl to use and abuse your dd at will, with no consequences.

It’s exactly this kind of situation that will shape the kind of woman she will become.

This is rubbish, OP, and it must really hurt.

I do remember my dd "boycotting" a couple of parties at 16 which excluded one member of her friendship group. She was very disappointed in her other friends at the time who agreed that it wasn't right to exclude anyone but chose to go along with the party anyway. A couple of years later, when they were all a bit older, the dial seemed to have shifted and as a group, they weren't prepared to tolerate that kind of exclusionary behaviour any more. So a lot of it may be immaturity/ insecurity on the part of the friends who won't speak up.

Let her have her party anyway, and her holiday with her friend. No good can come of getting in the way of her existing friendships. As for inviting this girl to her party... let her be the bigger person.

Is there anything exciting that she can do post-prom that will help her take her mind off it? Anything that she could invite some of her friends to join her doing? Plan something better that the party and persuade some of the other kids not to go?!

We ended up with an intimate girls dinner of 25 because dd couldn’t bear to leave anyone out.

I think you and she should give party host the benefit of the doubt. The explanation seems plausible to me. Is your daughter a little bit quiet so wouldn’t spring immediately to mind? I’d think it’s quite likely that she’ll get to go.

I wouldn’t contact the other mum, or expect her friends not to go, or uninvite the girl from her own party, or stop the Spain trip. All of these would escalate a situation which is quite likely to resolve itself.

I would be very wary of letting 2 16 year olds go to Spain on their own however.

‘Be kind’
’be the bigger person’
’give them the benefit of the doubt’

Be nice, even when someone is hurting you deliberately.

Really?
Is this how we are raising girls in 2024?

I wonder if some of the pp have tyrants of dds that regularly behave like this and post with this in mind. Because the pandering and acceptance of what is bullying by exclusion at such an important moment ( GCSEs) has been readily accepted on here all of a sudden.

Fortunately the thing at our school is a whole year after party that some brave parent volunteers to host, but otherwise I could easily see this being the situation with any big group of teenage girls. Remember the film mean girls - its not fiction!
Try not to worry OP - they grow up and find their tribe much more in 6th from or college. I always think school is such an artificial environment, there will be no other point in your life where you are expected to not only work with but be friends with people who happen to be born within 12 calendar months of you with no other connection.

Nope, my dd is definitely no tyrant and as I said above, she was the only one in her friendship group to take a stand against the exclusion of one person in their friendship group from social events etc. She is more than capable of being assertive and of standing up for herself and for others when she needs to.

But I would be encouraging her to "be the bigger person" in this kind of situation, rather than responding with petty gestures. Not because I'm worried about what happens to the other kids that have behaved badly, but because I think it's better for my dd's own self esteem to know that she doesn't need to stoop that low. It can be empowering to decide to be kind to someone who really doesn't deserve it... far more empowering, imo, than engaging in some petty tit for tat behaviour.

Also amongst girls there is high social
status in “being kind” leaving one girl out of a party who is in the friendship group would be seen by others as unkind and low behaviour.

I disagree, in teen girl groups this ‘be kind’ nonsense would be understood as weak and lowly behaviour. The dynamics are such that children going down the be kind route are likely to endure more of the same. There is no incentive or indeed parenting present to secure another outcome. Queen bee is provided with a win win position. This is not a cool move at all.

It’s quite likely ops dd has already tolerated too much without calling it out up to now. These situations rarely spring from nowhere.

Being assertive is standing up for yourself and your own needs. Developing the ability to face conflict confidently and effectively is a key life skill that she will need throughout her professional and personal life. This is a great opportunity to practice in my view.

And yet they will still be at both parties and won’t care about ops dd….

I understand wanting to jump in and protect her- but banning the other girl is just going to make the situation worse.

How? They finish in 2/3 weeks 🤷🏼‍♀️

I absolutely agree that being assertive and standing up for your own needs is important. I just disagree with you about how to get there.

I have absolutely always taught my dd to "be kind", to "be the bigger person" and to "give others the benefit of the doubt". However, that doesn't mean that I haven't also taught her to challenge unacceptable behaviour. Quite the contrary, but I have taught her to approach this in a kind and respectful manner, rather than encouraging her to embrace pettiness and sink down to the level of the lowest common denominator. It is entirely possible to "be kind" without being a doormat.

I don't think that my dd has ever suffered as a result of "being kind". Quite the contrary, she has always had loads of friends. However, she is no pushover and will raise issues with others if she needs to, but she knows how to do it in a mature, respectful and constructive way.

FWIW, I absolutely don't agree that kindness is viewed as weak and lowly behaviour. Someone who is consistently kind while still being assertive will earn the respect of their peers. At least, that has been our experience.