Ds has weed now. Do I confront him?

[louisbalfournice]

He's smuggled weed in a tin into his room. I've been told by someone.I asked him when he arrived home and he just lied to my face (he does that a lot).
Do I go up in the morning and turn his room over ? He will be angry !
I know he definitely has it because I've seen a photo of it on his bed. He has no bank card and no access to any cash. My bag is with me at all times too He only has Google wallet on his phone and I can see all the transactions on there. I can't understand how he's got it with no money? If I find it and he is aggressive and demands it giving back, that will put me in a difficult situation. He has ADHD and no sense whatsoever. But that irrelevant as the police would just treat him like any other offender

He has not job or money. He uses a banking app which we share . He has Google wallet so he can buy food etc

Noting the number of completely over the top responses here by some, but the effect (positive or negative) is extremely specific to an individual and their health/circumstances. For the vast majority of people who try it it’s not something that becomes all consuming, nor is it something that ruins their lives. So many people you know who you find normal, successful, productive, whatever, will have tried it. Some will have used it a lot. It’s ridiculous to go this bananas over a drug that is often milder and less dangerous than alcohol.

I tried it, never liked it, so never really thought that much about it. A lot of my friends did as teens, some pretty hardcore from about 14-20. Everyone is gainfully employed, most have families now, no one is off the rails.

I also know a lot of people from many different industries who take significantly more illegal substances recreationally and most of them do very well in life.

Some people will always fall prey to the worst effects, most won’t. It seems that people with secure connections and relationships don’t. So don’t go into this all guns blazing over a bit of weed and ruin the trust your DS has in you.

😂

At 17 nearly 18 I would expect that a young person has a bit more freedom and control over their life.

It is normal for youngsters to try weed and alcohol. I'm a bit confused as to how you know he has got this if you haven't seen it or either smelt it on him or seen any behavioural effects.

If he was 13 or 14 then I may agree with searching his room and a lecture / sanctions - but not at 17. Not unless you are seeing the result of any adverse outcomes.

Perhaps a chat reinforcing the effects of weed on mental health and if there are specific impacts due to his ADHD.

To add - please don't think of using the treats that you've planned for his 18th as a sanction in any way.

I have never taken any drugs myself but tried to be open minded when my eldest (independent) adult child started using around age 19. The younger one ,aged around 17 and still living at home, started to dabble cos of their older sibling. They had a diagnosis of ADHD at age 13. The 'dabbling' turned into a regular habit after a couple of years. After two bouts of serious paranoia, lasting 3 months each time, they eventually decided to quit. They were 23 at the time. After 6 months of not indulging, they smoked 2 puffs of someone's joint. The next day as soon as they woke, they had a massive psychotic episode, nearly killing themselves and a sibling in the process. 3 years later they are only now recovering from their injuries. I sincerely regret my 'open-mindedness' and I would urge anyone with teen or young adult kids to take a hard line against this shit. We are still waiting on court process and my now adult child could very well go to jail. They have since been diagnosed with other mental health issues. As I said, I seriously regret my lack of decisive action years ago, and implore you to take steps now to put your foot down. Please show your son my message and by all means contact me privately if that would help. Our lives have been hell these past few years and my otherwise close and very lovely family have all been seriously traumatised by events.Very grateful that they are both still alive but it's been a nightmare. I realise this was an unusual incident, but our lives have been massively affected by all this and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Please keep your family safe, its just not worth it. I wish you all the luck going forward.

I'm not saying it's ideal or absolutely fine but please don't ruin his 18th/not treat him because of a bit of weed, he'll remember that forever.

My son (now 24) smoked weed from early in high school until he was about 17. He stopped because he wanted to join army. The damage done to his developing young brain is not something to flippantly brush aside (right of passage shit) He is a bit paranoid now and could very easily have moved on to the harder stuff.
Thankfully now he is a lovely hard working young man.
So please everyone stop posting that this potent skunk chemical laced shit is doing our kids any favours.

You do realise your son is about to turn 18 - an adult?

You still track him and look at his bank transactions? And you're about to turn over his room?

Please calm down.

THIS

I agree it's a huge cause of educational underachievement.

It stunk ! I could smell it

Not the point of your thread but I hope that you know that phone location can be faked? If I was up to no good I would leave my phone at the cousin’s house then go out, switch on airplane mode at my cousin’s house to trick the phone into showing the house as my location or download an app that spoofs location. I know that you said that your son stays local but if you live in a populated area, maybe he could be selling drugs in the local area for County Lines?

Is his cousin rich ? What’s the likelihood of cousin funding the weed or your son selling stuff to cousin for cash? Considering the current shoplifting epidemic, any chance that’s how they are making money ?

I’d be looking for signs of cash and “stuff” as well as the weed. I have a son who is a similar age and the sort of “stuff” I mean is expensive trainers etc

I took weed off my kid and told him we don’t allow it in the house. He didn’t get it back as I disposed of it. It didn’t stop him smoking weed but I made it as difficult as I could for him.

It stunk ! I could smell it

So no need to turn his room over then .

Just a calm chat about your concerns.

I've only gut as far as 9.39 this morning in the thread but I also vote you should find it and smoke it yourself. You seriously need to calm down.
Whether you like it or not, weed is really commonplace. Flying off the handle and creating a massive scene is just going to alienate him. If you want a good relationship with him as and adult, you need to stop getting your knickers in such a twist and treat him the adult he is going to be in a couple of months. Talk calmly with him. The minute you start flaring up you will lose any influence you have in the situation.

You said you knew about it because someone told you and then because you saw a photo of it on his bed. You now say it stunk and you could smell it. If someone was smoking weed in the house you wouldn't need anyone to tell you or to see a photo - the smell is very distinctive and the house would reek of it.

Regardless of the above; the approach to take is a calm sensible conversation, not turning over rooms or flying off the handle - neither of which is likely to result in a positive outcome.

You are minimising serious crime, links to vicious criminal gangs, entrapment, permanent brain damage and child slavery.

Exactly what we should all be "getting out knickers in a twist" about - I think people who write threads like this just have not seen the horrendous damage being done.

I have known whole families have to flee an area after one child gets drawn into drug dealing,

I have cared for freed child slaves who can't work out how to use a bed,

I have down graded exam predictions for child after child after child who has started smoking this junk

but you think this is nothing to get your knickers in a twist about? Your knickers seriously need to be twisted.

So personally I wouldn’t condone any drug use for all the reasons mentioned by the pp re drug gangs and criminality (and is also the reason why I would 💯 support legalising drugs - kids are going to do it no matter what and far better it be regulated, taxed etc than in the hands of criminal gangs).
However, my point is, kids are going to smoke weed whether or not you ransack their room/ ground them/whatever. Talk to them. Explain your concern re the impact on their mental health, tell them about the wider picture and what their money might be funding. But be calm and keep the lines of dialogue open. You want them to know they can talk to you when they make a mistake, do something stupid, or need help. If you overreact about this they WILL hide other things from you.

What would you do in this case then?

zero tolerance of drugs in the house, for a start. Keep searching for them, keep throwing them out.

No point in being angry, that won't help, and will just damage the relationship.

Just have to be very explicit that you are not going to tolerate drugs in the house, and while you know you can't stop him using away from the house, go through all the reasons why it is a stupid idea, and strategies for saying no, if he is with friends who expect him to say yes, etc.

Tell him you want him to be honest with you, and keep you informed exactly what the situation is. Particularly if at any stage he feels coerced or threatened.

Be prepared to move schools or even move areas if necessary, and make sure he knows you would be prepared to do that for him if he gets himself into a situation.

Absolutely brilliant 😂

Is it a large quantity?
Someone may have given it to him to sell.
If it's a small quantity, it's not expensive so he might have got it from a friend/cousin. What kind of things does he buy on google pay?
It's concerning, but the level of control over an almost adult is concerning too. I can understand your worries but at 18 he will be an adult and should have some financial control and privacy.
I agree with the no weed in the house rules, and hope that he stops.

I would taje it off him and dispose of it. My house, my rules ... you are his parent, not his mate.

My 14 year old has trued it v worrying