Ds has weed now. Do I confront him?

[louisbalfournice]

He's smuggled weed in a tin into his room. I've been told by someone.I asked him when he arrived home and he just lied to my face (he does that a lot).
Do I go up in the morning and turn his room over ? He will be angry !
I know he definitely has it because I've seen a photo of it on his bed. He has no bank card and no access to any cash. My bag is with me at all times too He only has Google wallet on his phone and I can see all the transactions on there. I can't understand how he's got it with no money? If I find it and he is aggressive and demands it giving back, that will put me in a difficult situation. He has ADHD and no sense whatsoever. But that irrelevant as the police would just treat him like any other offender

I grew up on an island in BC. Best weed in Canada. Most teens tried or smoked it regularly. Most of us grew up to be useful members of society.

Op I think you are overreacting.

You need to calm down and decide what you want the conversation to look like. Ransacking his room is disrespectful. Especially as you are parenting an adopted child. He's had enough control taken from him.

It's marijuana not crack. Have a calm and open discussion about your concerns and listen to him as well.

So what? What does that change? You will not be as intelligent as you would have been if you hadn't smoked. And still, thousands of children are held in slavery in the uk cannabis farms.

it is NOT normal or acceptable

Wouldn't it depend on different people's opinions on if it's acceptable? Presumably people who smoke it find it acceptable?

I won't disagree about slavery. I'm not sure where the kid got it from though so who knows? A friend might have grown it.

It's important to have a rational open conversation. Otherwise teens will shut down and just get better at hiding things.

I agree. My DH got into smoking weed as a teenager and it was all consuming, he failed his a-levels and spent months just stoned in his room not working after he left school. He has no qualifications. He is also now in recovery from alcoholism - it could be that he just has an addictive personality but I wonder if those teen years of being on drugs all the time caused that too.
Zero tolerance on drugs in my house.

I wouldn't tolerate drugs in my house so yes I'd confront him, and yes it would be a major issue for me.

Me & ds get on well, co-exist quite happily but drugs are a red line for me. Thankfully he knows he'd be expelled from school too, which he'd hate, so he wouldn't go there.

This is a very niave post. He would and may well go there. He just won't tell you and be much more secretive about it. Stashing it at a friends

@Maddy70 Pot stinks, it clings to clothes. It has a definite impact of the smoker. I'd know immediately 😀

Ds doesn't smoke or vape or drink so it would be obvious. I have offered him a glass of wine or cider over the years but he won't touch it. Plus he never has any money with him, leaves his wallet at home.

Things would have to change drastically. Even if he started being secretive. I'd know.

I’m the sibling of a 40year old man who has never had a job a girlfriend and still lives with his mum because at 17 he got into cannabis (skunk) which left him with cannabis induced psychosis and permanent voices in his head. He hasn’t touched it since then (was a period of 3months or so of heavy smoking for the permanent brain damage to be done). So I’m in the zero tolerance camp and really going all out on the risks. ND kids are so much more vulnerable to self medicate because of their MH issues from living in an NT world. I now suspect my brother is autistic and had we picked that up his story might have been different. So because of the ADHD I would really talk to him about that and get local drug support services in to talk to him etc. I wouldn’t wish what my brother has gone through on my worst enemy.

Both my husbands have ADHD (well one is an ex now obviously, I'm not a polyandrist) and both rely on weed to aid focus and concentration and emotional regulation. There is a lot of anecdotal evidence that cannabis helps people with ADHD. It might be illegal but it's just a plant and like any potent plant it can be harmful or beneficial.

ETA I would strongly discourage cannabis use in teenagers due to the effect on the developing brain but by 18 there isn't a lot you can do. If you want to come hardline about bringing illegal substances into the house that's your right but I wouldn't search the room of my nearly 18 year old unless I was looking for something a lot more worrying than cannabis.

He left school at 16 and is now between college courses. His next course starts next week. He has no money because he had no job. I am not controlling, we both have life 360 and share our locations .
Having weed is not normal.

Something like 50% of teens have smoked cannabis by 18 so it's really not unusual. Coming down hardline isn't going to help in the slightest.

Another vote for take it and smoke
it

Big difference between having a bit of a smoke every now and then and getting stoned out of your box every day to the point of mental health collapse. Fair enough it’s up to you what you will tolerate in your house but you might get further having a conversation with him as an almost grown up to make sure he knows that if he doesn’t keep a lid on it he’ll be out on his ear.

I won’t dispute the negative effects of cannabis addiction, but personally it was what got me through my MSc and PhD in one piece!

In 2019 it was around 30% who had tried it and I think drug and alcohol use is trending lower as the years go by.

Seeing some of the responses here no wonder we have so many poorly behaved kids in this country...

It does not make you cool to smoke the weed you found in your kid's bedroom, just irresponsible...

It does not make you aggressive or controlling if you confront him about it. That's the sensible thing to do if you want him to avoid further trouble.

Your kid is routinely lying, you are worried about his anger, he is bringing drugs in the house (how does he pay for that? does he sell it too?). That really needs addressing.

There are lots of charities helpline you can call if you are struggling but for goodness sake, do something.

You are not doing your kid any favour if you don't.

I would just say to him that you know he has it and try to open a conversation about it. Unless he is going around stoned all the time or it’s affecting his work/ studies I would try to keep some perspective.

Do not ransack his room. Speak to him about it. Make him aware you know and give him the space to open up if there is an issue related to it. Mostly likely it’s not an issue.
My DS who has ADHD smoked it during teen years and now doesn’t. I was really worried but am glad I didn’t clamp down. We spoke about the dangers of drug use etc and it’s not something he does now that he’s in his 20s.

@PineappleTime there's a big difference between an adult making choices about using cannabis to control symptoms and a teen with low impulse control and impulsivity taking it. His chance of becoming dependent is increased and of making decisions that are less well thought out than his peers (either trying other drugs or getting involved with dealers) is also greater.

This.
I have a brilliant, open relationship with my adult ds because I didn't behave like op.
His friends who were micromanaged and tracked (literally) by their parents, went to uni or similar and never looked back. They're also the ones who went totally off the rails once they got to 18.

Found a lump in our foster daughter’s room years ago. Replaced it with a little lump of rolled up Oxo cube. The images we had of her trying to smoke it with her mates amused me for decades.

Unfortunately, whatever people think of weed, it’s far more normal than you probably realise. I’ve been truly surprised how many of my ds friends smoke it.
My first thought was he could easily have got it from his cousin. Of course you have to speak to him, but sadly he’s unlikely to stop for long if at all, until he’s older.

I'm wondering how people are going to feel when weed inevitably becomes legal here like it is in so many other countries now.

Personally I'm more curious why a nearly 18 year old has no bank card, no access to cash, and mum can see all his transactions? That's not normal to me. He'll be 18 soon and entitled to financial privacy.

There are plenty of things that are legal that I would not want my 17 year old doing.

The case of a marijuana addict who murdered four people in a psychotic frenzy should be taken as a “lesson to all those who peddle the myth that cannabis is not a dangerous drug”, a judge has said.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2024/03/01/quadruple-murder-joshua-jacques-cannabis-unsafe/

Didn't a poor woman get shot in her own house/party due to a cannabis war? Thst was quite recent.

No matter what you think of the actual drug itself, criminals run the growing/selling of it. People smuggling/Slavery by criminal gangs grow it, addicts steal your property or mug you so they can buy it. It destroys lives.