My eldest daughter is going to Camp America and it's making me ill

[NattyHen]

My eldest daughter has just turned 18 and is going to Camp America at the beginning of June. Last year when we started to look into it I was so excited for her and the opportunity seemed amazing, but now it's only weeks away I have turned into a mess. I suffer with anxiety anyway and it has raised its head ten fold. I'm crying myself to sleep at night, I even started sobbing in the car on my way to work, I'm so overwhelmed by emotion that I'm finding it hard to function. My daughter doesn't know how I feel because I don't want to deter her, but I've even wished that she'd break her arm or leg or something so that she can't go. My husband is very laid back and he doesn't seem worried at all. He doesn't know how I'm feeling although he has noticed that my mood is different. My daughter has never flown before, although she has a trip to Barcelona booked for a few days next month, I hate flying so I think that is part of my anxiety. Apparently she will be flying out with other camp members and she has been speaking to them on a WhatsApp group so that's reassuring, but I am so scared that we'll get to the airport and she'll be flying alone. I don't think I could cope with that. Even now, writing this I'm crying again...

what a marvellous opportunity for her. It seems like it's the flying part which is the worst for you, so once she is there you will be fine (and so will she!!)
My DM is the most anxious person I know. At 18 I sent interrailing through europe and this was before mobile phones. I was nicely asked to try and call once a week. At 20 I went to south east asia by myself. I'm not sure how my mum coped tbh but she did.

It's definitely a lifetime of anxiety, but not a lifetime of the sort of anxiety you described all the same.

I feel you could go back to your doctor and ask for alternatives to sertraline. (There are alternatives).

Have you ever tried to address your fear of flying? There are guided phobia experiences you can do.

There is also the option of getting something like a lorazepam tablet to take to quiet your mind for the flight. Or benadryl, which makes people drowsy.

It's natural to be anxious that she's spreading her wings a little, but this will be an amazing, life-affirming, independence-building adventure for her in a relatively controlled setting. She knows she can get hold of you day or night if there's a problem nowadays. She is literally going to a setting for young people doing the same thing as her. She won't be on her own and there will be experienced grown ups around to help and guide her. It's a fairly safe first adventure, and it's in a situation where she speaks the language and can communicate and the standard/quality of living is not vastly different - whilst clearly there are cultural differences, it's not like she's off to volunteer in Africa or China.

I would ensure you have set some funds aside in case either one of you need to go and rescue her, or to send to her if she needs to fly home urgently, and that she has good travel insurance which will cover her for any medical mishaps.

I wonder if there are facebook parent groups or you can get in touch with CA yourself and they may be able to reassure you somewhat?

Camp America is very difficult to get into, so a big well done to her on getting the job!

Where in the USA is she going to be based?

It's such an excellent opportunity for your daughter, please don't be anxious.

It sounds like she has made a few Camp America buddies on the WhatsApp group and will be flying out with them, so that's great, I'm sure they'll become good friends!

Please don't make yourself ill. Sh ll have a whale of a time and you'll wondered what you worried for!

Op my dd is 18 and going too in a few weeks time and I do also feel very anxious about it. I just keep telling myself that so far in the last year she has gone to Uni, finds her way to and from places, went to London by herself to sort out her visa etc and grown in confidence. I did camp America in 1994 and although I was a bit older than she will be when she goes there were no mobile phones etc. I went round the whole of the US sleeping on overnight trains, camping at the Grand Canyon, visited so many great places and have great memories which I hope my dd will make too. I imagine the staff are quite well looked after on camp and she will team up with others to travel with. Try not to worry but I do understand as it's natural as a parent to feel anxious.

Well done for keeping this to yourself and not influencing your daughter, you’re doing a great job of breaking the chain. Definitely get some help, but keep smiling. How about planning a trip with her in the future? You’d make some great memories. I remember my mum being terrified of all sorts of things including flying, driving at night. Luckily my dad was adventurous and balanced the influence. My 19 year old went to Australia, Europe and America solo last year.

You know your own children and it sounds as if you don't really have any concerns about your daughter making good decisions. You know this is about your own anxiety. My eldest DD was always keen to travel but we knew she wasn't a risk taker so just had to trust her choices (she flew transatlantic unaccompanied when she was 14) and is a great travel companion because of her experience. She also has friends (and friends of friends) all over the world.

@HcbSS

not all the OP's posts, that's for sure!

In a year I am sending my dd who will be 16yo from America to Europe for several weeks on a chaperoned trip. Im a mess. I know it’s my anxiety.

i sat my dd down and explained to her that I was having was having absolutely irrational anxiety. That she would see it ramp up before her trip. I laid out the particular things that were triggering me. We talked about how I am taking medication, I have CBT, but I am also autistic and changes in routine are challenging.

I did all of this because I knew there was no chance I would hide it as we got closer and I didn’t want to transfer my anxiety to her. So I made it very explicit that I am crazy on this one and she needs to just let me run around over planning and obsessing. Mostly, she should just ignore me.

@NattyHen

I'm glad the thread has helped you, despite some sneery posts.

menopausal anxiety is a real bitch!!

you know your DD will be just fine, try to focus on that.

At her age I was travelling around Europe with a friend (we were driving, camping, no set itinerary. Only the occasional pay phone. Our parents were in NZ so between finding a pay phone that worked, that we had the correct phone card for & time zones we barely made contact in the several months we were travelling. How my (very anxious) Mum coped I do not know!

i love flying, I haven't since 2020 & this is the longest period in my life I haven't flown, when I was little I REALLY wanted to get out & play in the clouds!! I far prefer flying on my own!! I like to march to my own beat!!

Your daughter will be totally fine! She's going to a child-centric setting in a developed country. She's travelling with a youth organisation who have staff in-country to help if anything goes wrong at any point. The camp will almost certainly be in a quiet, rural location, but will have wifi so she can easily keep in touch with home. All her food and accommodation will be provided. The people that run the camp will have loads of experience of dealing with children and young people as campers and employees, and she'll be surrounded by other young people in exactly the same situation. I did Camp America twice and it was definitely one of the least risky thing I did between the ages of 17 and 21. The only problem I had was adjusting to living in a cabin with a bunch of kids and having no privacy or time to myself!

OP i did Camp America umm years ago.
I got the train to the airport. On the way I saw two other teenagers heading for the same flight. We travelled together and at the airport Camp America staff marshalled 300 of us onto a plane.
We were all chatting away, swapping stories, and I found someone headed for the same camp. We stayed overnight in New York in a hotel that seemed to be entirely Camp America, and traveled on together.
It was unforgettable, loved it.

Wow how amazing for her and how brilliant you are for letting her go but also talking to her. I realise by posting on here that unless you have or have had anxiety it is really hard to understand, it's irrational and it just takes over any reason. I bet your daughter will grow up to be really patient and kind. I hope she has a wonderful time.

Thank you, I should know by now that if you haven't had anxiety then it's really hard to understand how it can affect people but most have been really amazing and given brilliant advice. It's helped so much so I'm glad I posted. Sounds like you had a great adventure, I never did anything at all like that so it's all a new thing to me. I definitely think I need to start flying again, there are so many places I want to see.

Oh bless her, I hope you had a nice time in Canada and I hope it didn't ruin it for you. I never thought I'd feel like this but as some have pointed out I am definitely peri-menopausal and it's not a good combination. I wouldn't let my daughter know about the anxiety, but she knows I am sad and will miss her.

That's so kind. Thank you. Yes it's hard whatever age you are to stand up to your parents, but every now and then I step back and think how glad I am that I did it all differently. When my daughter is back and she's had an amazing experience then I can be a bit smug 😆

Thank you, when I wrote the post I was definitely having a moment of panic as I had just been organising transport to the airport and it hit me hard, but I have been doing pretty well anxiety wise up until recently. It's great to hear stories of others who have been to CA, I've only heard good stories so that's always helpful. I think I will see if there is any other medication that I can try or like some posters have suggested, maybe look into HRT soon.

Thank you. It is worse probably because I have never been anywhere or done anything like that myself so it is just like sending her off into the unknown, but it has been great hearing about other people's good experiences and has helped so much.

I did camp America 25 years ago and it was hands down the best summer of my life, I loved every single minute of it and it gave me so much confidence as I came back buzzing.

When I went there were no phones or emails so my poor parents had to wait for a letter to arrive 😂

I get your anxiety, my dd is 18yo and I find myself getting randomly anxious about various things related to her new found freedom. It's hard to accept they're growing up and letting them go.

There's loads of self help books on anxiety and when I start getting anxious I get the books out and start reading them again. There's one called panicking about panic by Josh someone that I really like.

Definitely don't let your daughter see how anxious you are. I did CA when I was at uni, and it was also my first flight ever. It was an amazing experience. Like your daughter, I met up with lots of people at their airport and flew with them. But even if she's alone, she'll be fine.

This. Do not ruin this for your dd. She is about to embark on one of the most exciting things she has ever done and you want her to sustain an injury so she can't go? You need to go back to the doctors and soon

You are not alone OP and I thank you for posting this, which I stumbled upon after heading onto Mumsnet looking into anxiety medications having due to having a bad few hours today. My DC is going to work away in a similarl set up and travels on Sunday, I'm hoping the anticipation is worse.

My DC knows how anxious I am in general but apart from joking on that they are "leaving me" (which they have also teased me about so it's not being done to manipulate) I have not let on how much I am struggling.

I have even advised my DC when they said they are excited and anxious that it was normal and to just take it one week at a time. Its not the army, they can come home if they hate it.

Some nice replies here that I have screenshotted to remind myself I am doing the right thing by my child, particular thanks to @TheCatterall and @MysticFalls

I do think that we are brilliant for raising these confident kids who want to go out into the world, fighting our own demons for them to be happy!

@MeAndMounjaro

It took me until I was in my late 40's (slow learner 😂😂) to realise that I am FAR worse leading up to stuff than when is actually happens. Anticipatory grief/distress etc. if I remind myself of this I can usually get better control of it.

I haven't suffered anxiety until this bloody annoying menopausal anxiety. I've driven all around Europe (with paper maps!!) & America. Happily/easily but was anxious driving into London the other day 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️it's just not me and I'm fed up to the back teeth of it. I'm not actually anxious about the driving per se, so much as getting the person to their appointment on time. But whatever , I'm just hoping it fucks off as quickly as it started when menopause started!!

maybe you can have a chat to yourself about the anticipatory anxiety/upset?

I did it, aged 19, flying alone to New York on an air India flight. It was brilliant and I'd encourage my dcs to do it.

We travelled round on an Amtrak rail pass afterwards and I used to call home once a week, reversing the charges. my dad told me decades later how expensive those calls were!

This isn't about the trip and I hope you get the support you need.

@Catopia :

"It's natural to be anxious". Nope. I don't believe it is. Hope OP seeks support from her GP.

But thanks (for the prompt) because due to this thread , I text ds1 and yesterday he confirmed his Camp America flight details for mid June early morning, so I've now put that in my phone diary.