My eldest daughter is going to Camp America and it's making me ill

[NattyHen]

My eldest daughter has just turned 18 and is going to Camp America at the beginning of June. Last year when we started to look into it I was so excited for her and the opportunity seemed amazing, but now it's only weeks away I have turned into a mess. I suffer with anxiety anyway and it has raised its head ten fold. I'm crying myself to sleep at night, I even started sobbing in the car on my way to work, I'm so overwhelmed by emotion that I'm finding it hard to function. My daughter doesn't know how I feel because I don't want to deter her, but I've even wished that she'd break her arm or leg or something so that she can't go. My husband is very laid back and he doesn't seem worried at all. He doesn't know how I'm feeling although he has noticed that my mood is different. My daughter has never flown before, although she has a trip to Barcelona booked for a few days next month, I hate flying so I think that is part of my anxiety. Apparently she will be flying out with other camp members and she has been speaking to them on a WhatsApp group so that's reassuring, but I am so scared that we'll get to the airport and she'll be flying alone. I don't think I could cope with that. Even now, writing this I'm crying again...

Thank you, it helps to hear others experiences. She doesn't know I'm as anxious as I am, and she's the sort of girl who would give me a hug and then go off and do it anyway, which I love about her.

It actually does, it's a lovely story. Glad they're both happy.

@NattyHen

My good friend went on this Camp America 🇺🇸 in 1991 and she loved it real cofindence builder had a good time,
i used to pen pal write to her whilst she was doing it,

I had the opportunity of doing this and didn't take it up,
at that time,

I went to Camp gwaun Valley instead in Fishguard instead taking care in the summer hols of underprivileged children

OP you should be very proud of yourself that you’ve managed to raise an adventurous independent daughter, despite your own struggles and upbringing. Well done.

@NattyHen it was a great confidence booster for her. She comes over for two weeks every summer and her mum goes over for two weeks in September. It works well for them but I know they both find it hard.

What exactly is it that is specifically causing you this level of anxiety? You say you hate flying yourself, so you're worried about that -- but your DD isn't you, and is presumably fine with the idea of flying? Your first few flights are always an incredibly novelty, anyway. What else is actually frightening you to the extent you want her to injure herself so she can't go?

Oh I'm glad to hear she enjoyed it. It literally feels like a weight lifted every time I hear about the good experiences people have had. I think all of the organisation is stressful and then the worry on top it can be a bit overwhelming. She sounds like she's living her best life...I might give CBD gummies a try.

I was going to ask - how was your childhood? Did you get to spread your wings or were your parents stress cases? Mine were super controlling because a) they couldn’t deal with the thought of me having independence and b)didn’t want to sit in the discomfort. Cos worrying about your teenagers getting raped/murdered is just part of having teenagers! So my wings were clipped. I wasn’t even allowed to stay overnight with a friend ‘just in case’ until I was 21 years old and a graduate.

I’ve gone the opposite way as a parent - feel the fear and (let them) do it anyway. Worry is sometimes a good thing - shows you’re a loving parent - and I am often worried, even though I know it isn’t rational. I suppose, ultimately, they could slip and crack their skulls or die in a car crash any day of the week. My mum has tried to manipulate me into stopping both my kids doing their chosen sports because they have potential to be dangerous and, to be fair, kids have died. But also - millions haven’t. If I let the worry win would I be a good parent? I don’t think so. She disagrees.

You’re being a really good mum and not limiting them by your own fears but if it’s getting in the way of your day to day life and happiness it’d maybe be worth getting help for your own sake? Or maybe just talking about it here and seeing it in black and white is a good way of bringing it into perspective?

It's normal to worry, but not to have this level of anxiety. If your daughter is 18, you are perhaps also entering peri-menopause (sorry if you are still too young, no offence meant!); and increased anxiety is a common symptom. May be worth discussing HRT with your doctor also.

Yes I am doing that. I have 2 independent, confident daughters. I just needed to vent really. It has made me feel better already talking to you guys.

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that. That's interesting, my mum was and is, quite controlling. I was a very shy, nervous child. She never fully stopped me from doing things but I would get a lot of negative responses if I did want to do something until she would win and I wouldn't do it. She talked me out of college courses I wanted to do 'because what was the point' and I never had encouragement from her. She thinks my daughter shouldn't go and we actually fell out about it a few weeks ago. It's since then that I have so anxious because I think in the back of my mind she's planted a seed as she always done in my life. You'll be surprised from my post that I am always encouraging my kids to do things, she's been to festivals, camping trips and all kinds of things. This just seems like such a big leap so yes I am scared. Everyone here has given such good advice I honestly feel like I can take a deep breath for the first time in weeks and crack on with it.

Haha, no I'm not too young and yes me and friends have discussed this. I think I am definitely entering that stage.

See the GP about your own anxieties. These are quite extreme.

It’ll be a fantastic experience for her. I spent two years as an au pair in America when I had just turned 18 and I absolutely loved it. I know you say you haven’t, but please don’t say anything to deter her.

From what you've subsequently posted, it's obvious your relationship with your mum is very unhealthy for you. I would 1) distance yourself for a while and 2) get some help unpicking that.

Yes I hate flying. She doesn't know that, I just told her the reason I don't tend to go abroad is because I find it easier just jumping in the car and off we go. I don't want her to be scared of flying but in my head she's going off and doing something that I find so scary, it feels a bit weird. I'm sure she'll be more bored than anything to be honest. And just to clarify if she actually did have an injury I would be devastated! That was just one of those horrible intrusive thoughts that I had when I was feeling especially anxious about the whole thing.

I did similar to camp America 20 years ago and loved it! Please try and keep your anxieties in check and let your dd have the best time.

In practical terms, do think about not going to the airport, if it's a huge focus of stress for you - could your partner take her while you say your bon voyages at home and then take yourself off for a swim and a massage?

I'd definitely consider some psychotherapy rather than CBT, and to try something else for meds. I found Sertraline a dream for anxiety, amazing instant response, but that might have been the one that didn't work for you.

I went on BUNAC at 20 in 1991, not working at a camp but just getting a visa to work in the US for the summer. I had an absolute ball and some (very tame) adventures that shaped the rest of my life. My mum luckily had done something similar so was happy to subsist on one airmail letter a week from me! I bet she worried, but like you she bit her lip and supported me to head off. Just a big hand for supporting your daughters even though you feel this way 💐

Flying alone is a real non-issue. Most airports now do videos of what to expect at each stage of the flying experience, going through security etc. once you are on the plane it is barely any different to being on a (long) coach journey. You read a book, watch a film, listen to music, have a snooze and then you land.

Cap America is a very experienced organisation she'll meet people to travel with and have a great time.

Maybe it would do you some good to have a bit of a solo adventure yourself. Keep it simple, fly somewhere in the UK Dublin, Edinburgh, Jersey so no language issues, book a Premier Inn and just have a few days to actually live a little yourself.

If its helpful to you OP, I live in the US and could be a back up for your DD if she needed help with something, you could just PM me if that happened. There are loads of Camp America places operating around us, and all the kids seem to be having such a good time and making new friends.

Try not to let your DM continue to control you and your life. Can you try and see it in your mind as a battle you are having with her negative comments rather than something that is actually real iyswim

Thank you. Looking at my post it sounds so extreme but I actually just thought it was normal to feel so scared. I felt relief once I'd written it, I think I just needed to talk about it. I am an anxious person but I'm not this bad most of the time. It was sertraline that I was on, I really struggled with it, couldn't wake up in the mornings, was like a tired zombie all of the time and that was on the lowest dose. What an amazing experience you had and well done to your mum for her encouragement. Someone told me that being a mum was was a lifetime of anxiety and I guess this is my first major hurdle!

I have actually considered doing a short flight somewhere, my daughter doing this has actually encouraged me to try it again. She's my inspiration.

I would like to thank everyone on this thread. I have never posted before and was a bit worried but you've all been great. I realise the post sounds extreme, I was feeling really panicky about things when I wrote it and I felt like I needed to share my worries and sometimes that's easier with strangers. I feel like I was being hysterical and you've all thrown cold water onto my face 😆 I am extremely proud of my daughter and I will continue to encourage her and I will work harder on my own issues. She's home from work now so I'm going to go and help her with sorting out her suitcase.

Hi OP, I can totally understand your worry.
My DD went to Asia on her own at 20 to travel, I almost hid her passport (I really did consider this!)BUT saw that she was so excited and the worry was my issue.
Anyway, fast forward a year, she is home safe and sound and with amazing memories.
I really understand your feelings but it sounds organised and you can keep in contact easily. Try not to worry and be proud that she is taking this opportunity.

No advice - just wanted to say sorry you feel so rubbish. 🌸💐

@NattyHen Camp America is really safe!

Do not let her see you distressed or upset- it isn’t fair on her.

I too was a bit anxious about DS’s year out travelling ( NZ and Canada) but he had a wonderful time.

Your daughter will love it!