Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD lying about showering

54 replies

MotherOfOlafs · 05/03/2024 11:46

Since DD turned 14 at the end of last year we’ve had issues with her hygiene. She will run a bath or switch on the shower but not actually get in, she’ll wet her hair instead. She then swears until she’s blue in the face that she has. I can tell she hasn’t (her towel will still be folded neatly or her sponge will be bone dry etc).
I’ve spoken to her and explained as a teenager she will sweat more and needs to keep clean and she agrees but then won’t do it. How else can I go about this? She’s neurotypical and had no issues with showering or bathing until recently. She also has short hair so it’s not a case of it’s too much bother to wash it.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1312 · 05/03/2024 11:49

Take her shopping to choose a lovely new soap or shower gel she'd like?

HandsomeGreige · 05/03/2024 11:50

It’s just laziness and control, assuming there are no special needs as you describe

i was an absolute grotbag too and did the exact same thing

my mum was very patient with me but then she told me quite bluntly that I stank, she could even smell I was on my period and it was very rude to expect my friends to sit next to me and they were probably gossiping behind my back about how smelly I was

I was incredibly upset and self conscious, and I was upset- but it got me in the shower

what my mum said was mean, but it was true. I remember a few years later a friend referring to me being the ‘smelly kid’ when I was in year 8

edit: my mum was a very kind woman and there was no abuse emotional or otherwise, but she lost her rag with this one

Original poster
MotherOfOlafs · 05/03/2024 12:30

Mumoftwo1312 · 05/03/2024 11:49

Take her shopping to choose a lovely new soap or shower gel she'd like?

That’s the thing, she’s got a whole shelf in her room with nice shower gels, soaps, cute bath bombs and the like? She always asks for sets for Xmas and birthday and we’re happy to buy them. Sorry I forgot to add that in my original post.

OP posts:
Original poster
MotherOfOlafs · 05/03/2024 12:32

HandsomeGreige · 05/03/2024 11:50

It’s just laziness and control, assuming there are no special needs as you describe

i was an absolute grotbag too and did the exact same thing

my mum was very patient with me but then she told me quite bluntly that I stank, she could even smell I was on my period and it was very rude to expect my friends to sit next to me and they were probably gossiping behind my back about how smelly I was

I was incredibly upset and self conscious, and I was upset- but it got me in the shower

what my mum said was mean, but it was true. I remember a few years later a friend referring to me being the ‘smelly kid’ when I was in year 8

edit: my mum was a very kind woman and there was no abuse emotional or otherwise, but she lost her rag with this one

Edited

I think it is laziness I agree, but why go to the bother of running a bath and wasting a nice bath bomb for no reason?
Im worried someone will say something to her too. She doesn’t smell as she drenches herself in perfume so maybe she doesn’t see it as a problem.

OP posts:
Peekaboobo · 05/03/2024 12:35

I think a bit of tough love might be needed here.

Tell her that if you can smell her, others, including her friends, can.

Chypre · 05/03/2024 12:45

Teenage brains are weird. Maybe she has issues with accepting her changing body, maybe she is worried about PFAs/BPAs and other "poison" in the products (I was petrified of damaging the ozone layer so would only use stick deodorant and never used hair spray), maybe bathroom is cold, maybe bathing dries out her skin or makes skin condition she's not aware of to flare up. Sometimes being a teen genuinely is "too much" - brains, bones, pubes, boobs, neuron connections and insecurities all growing at the same time, so feeling wet/cold can overload a NT as well.

Pigeonqueen · 05/03/2024 12:46

What else is going on in her life at the moment? School okay?

Definitely sounds like either a control thing or she might be more neurodiverse than you think / sensory issues…?

Redissuereader · 05/03/2024 12:52

MotherOfOlafs · 05/03/2024 12:32

I think it is laziness I agree, but why go to the bother of running a bath and wasting a nice bath bomb for no reason?
Im worried someone will say something to her too. She doesn’t smell as she drenches herself in perfume so maybe she doesn’t see it as a problem.

Show quote history

Perfume on top of BO is one of the worst smells to be next to/in close proximity to. I have this to a certain extent with my daughter, and I do just have to be blunt and say 'it's not pleasant for people who sit next to you on the bus/in lesson and no one will want to sit next to you if you don't keep on top of it' It is about pride in your appearance and sometimes I think all our body positivity and accepting people for who they are makes children and teenagers in particular think they can literally look however they want AND expect people to have to put up with it.

BarbieDangerous · 05/03/2024 12:56

HandsomeGreige · 05/03/2024 11:50

It’s just laziness and control, assuming there are no special needs as you describe

i was an absolute grotbag too and did the exact same thing

my mum was very patient with me but then she told me quite bluntly that I stank, she could even smell I was on my period and it was very rude to expect my friends to sit next to me and they were probably gossiping behind my back about how smelly I was

I was incredibly upset and self conscious, and I was upset- but it got me in the shower

what my mum said was mean, but it was true. I remember a few years later a friend referring to me being the ‘smelly kid’ when I was in year 8

edit: my mum was a very kind woman and there was no abuse emotional or otherwise, but she lost her rag with this one

Edited

This is the route my mum took with my younger sister.

My sister is 16 now but when she was between the ages of 12-14 she was just as you described your DD OP. She would run the water for a shower but at no point would she step inside. She’d leave the bath and her skin was BONE dry, not even damp. You could tell she hadn’t washed as her flannel and loofah were both dry.

My mum would keep on telling her that she smells, she could also smell when my sister was on her period. My sister became unhygienic in other ways like not washing her uniform and things relating to her period. I would talk with her also but she just didn’t care. I think it was simply laziness and not caring how important these things are.

I can’t tell you why she changed but when she hit 15 she started caring about her appearance more. Making sure she would shower, do her hair, look and smell nice. My advice would be to keep on talking to her about it. None of this, ‘oh darling why don’t we go to LUSH and you can pick out some nice products for yourself.’ No subtle hints. It needs to be tough love, ‘Is there a reason why you’re not going in the shower’ etc. It’s something that needs to be dealt with head on

BarbieDangerous · 05/03/2024 12:57

Redissuereader · 05/03/2024 12:52

Perfume on top of BO is one of the worst smells to be next to/in close proximity to. I have this to a certain extent with my daughter, and I do just have to be blunt and say 'it's not pleasant for people who sit next to you on the bus/in lesson and no one will want to sit next to you if you don't keep on top of it' It is about pride in your appearance and sometimes I think all our body positivity and accepting people for who they are makes children and teenagers in particular think they can literally look however they want AND expect people to have to put up with it.

Show quote history

This also!

I was always saying to my sister, she can’t choose to not wash unless she wants people to speaking about her behind her back

RoseNy · 05/03/2024 12:59

There is definitely a reason for her suddenly being reluctant to wash.

It could be something has happened that you don't know about but also I echo the ND thing, especially if she is a late developer because puberty can be very difficult for them. It could also be body image. I think you need to dig deep, tough love isn't going to get to the root cause.

SquireMcDoll · 05/03/2024 13:01

Does the bathroom door lock? Does she feel safe in there? No younger siblings coming in or knocking on the door? Being naked feels very vulnerable.

Rosiiee · 05/03/2024 13:02

Oh my god haha the towel thing you mentioned just reminded me that I used to have fake showers too. But I used to wet and mess the towel to make it look like I had showered. I was just being lazy! I eventually figured it was less effort actually showering than pretending I had.

UneTasse · 05/03/2024 13:07

My 13yo daughter HATES washing too. She'll get in the shower and come out smelling just as bad, because she won't use the soap and pouffe! SOMETIMES she'll bring in the speaker and play music and get really into it, and then she's in for ages, and does indeed coming out smelling divine and I praise her to the heavens for it. Like some mothers above though, I don't hold back when she is pongy.

But her older sister was similar and then one day when she was 14yo something went off in her brain and she became obsessed with long showers and skincare and we've never looked back! Although we really have wished for a second bathroom...

Give her time, praise her when she washes properly and be blunt about how rude it is to expect other people to be around you when you smell bad. Zero harm in kicking off a bit of self-consciousness. I frame it as good manners to be clean, neat and fragrant at school.

clarkkentsglasses · 05/03/2024 13:09

My DN is like this. She stinks to high hell. Doesn't give a shit either. "Free bleeds" too ....

What the fuck is wrong with teens of today?

Bleed over my sofa ..... and then looked at me as if I'm the crazy one

Ihateslugs · 05/03/2024 13:13

Rosiiee · 05/03/2024 13:02

Oh my god haha the towel thing you mentioned just reminded me that I used to have fake showers too. But I used to wet and mess the towel to make it look like I had showered. I was just being lazy! I eventually figured it was less effort actually showering than pretending I had.

My son was like this, I reckon the effort he made to swish the shower water around to sound like he was in it, wetting the cubicle and bar of soap and his towel and even putting water splashes on the floor was far greater than if he just had a shower! He knew that I would listen at the bathroom door and then check the room after he came out so he had to work hard to try to convince me!

I always knew though by the sour smell wafting behind him! The arguments we had were never ending until he left home at 18 to sofa surf with various friends ( long story) and when he came to live at home again, his friends seemed to have convinced him to shower - not frequently enough for me but better than nothing! He’s now 40 and still only showering a couple of times a week.

Rosiiee · 05/03/2024 13:15

@clarkkentsglasses free bleeds??? Is that a new thing of not wearing pads/tampons/period underwear??

WorriedMillie · 05/03/2024 13:19

I’m another one who would explore potential body image issues. I used to struggle terribly with body image and stripping naked would be a nightmare for me (catching sight of myself in the mirror, etc)

HurryUpHurryUp · 05/03/2024 13:24

My dc used to do this. Splash the water around with their hands but not actually get in and wash. I had to be really strict about it and supervise for a long time. It sounds awful but I had no choice as I did get a message from the school once about personal hygiene and I knew they were referring to my dc. They are 17 now and much better but it took years!

Once someone told them they had greasy hair and they were mortified. I say, Yes you do have greasy hair as you refused to wash it.

RoseNy · 05/03/2024 13:28

clarkkentsglasses · 05/03/2024 13:09

My DN is like this. She stinks to high hell. Doesn't give a shit either. "Free bleeds" too ....

What the fuck is wrong with teens of today?

Bleed over my sofa ..... and then looked at me as if I'm the crazy one

Not so new, started in the 70s

Mrsredlipstick · 05/03/2024 13:29

We called the teenagers in our house soap dodgers!

On a serious note the products might be making her sore. Try something basic like santax.
I'm very frank so woukd say you need to wash and if she is ND you have to be blavk and white. Fwiw most girls don't get diagnosed until puberty.

Flatleak · 05/03/2024 13:34

HurryUpHurryUp · 05/03/2024 13:24

My dc used to do this. Splash the water around with their hands but not actually get in and wash. I had to be really strict about it and supervise for a long time. It sounds awful but I had no choice as I did get a message from the school once about personal hygiene and I knew they were referring to my dc. They are 17 now and much better but it took years!

Once someone told them they had greasy hair and they were mortified. I say, Yes you do have greasy hair as you refused to wash it.

Did being mortified translate to a change in behaviour?

pastypirate · 05/03/2024 13:48

SquireMcDoll · 05/03/2024 13:01

Does the bathroom door lock? Does she feel safe in there? No younger siblings coming in or knocking on the door? Being naked feels very vulnerable.

Also wondering this.

mydrivingisterrible · 05/03/2024 13:55

hahaha, this reminds me of a woman I worked with who's 13 year old daughter suddenly was going a week at a time without washing.
One day her daughter came home and her mum (my co-worker) literally wrestled her into the bath and washed her like a baby. Her daughter would do her hair/make-up to the 9's but suddenly had an aversion to washing.
She said to me "I always expected as a mother to wash a baby, but never a 13 year old!"

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/03/2024 14:05

Is there any chance she doesn't like water / being wet ?

I don't like showers so have baths instead, and wash my hair the old fashioned way with the shower attachment and lean over the bath, and won't go to holiday accommodation without a bath.
I can swim very well but choose not to go in the pool / sea when on holiday.