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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is this acceptable? (Time In bedrooms)

60 replies

FlighHi · 20/02/2024 13:27

My DS (11) is exhausting. Not naughty at all but very extroverted whereas I’m the complete opposite. I need time to myself in the evenings to recharge. As his bedtime naturally gets later my alone time is shrinking. I’ve started saying he needs to be in his bedroom by 8 but he’s more than welcome to read/ listen to music with headphones etc until 9. I then go in and say goodnight to him. Is this ok? It feels a bit cruel but at the same time it’s keeping me sane!
And if it is ok how long can I keep the “rule” up for? For example can you tell a 15 year old they have to be upstairs by 9:30/10 and in bed by 10:30/11?

OP posts:
DarkAcademia · 20/02/2024 13:30

Of course it is! My nearly 13yo dc is up the stairs at 8pm, 8.30pm at weekends (although I NEVER have to tell her - she is always ready to go up), and she reads til maybe 8.30pm or 9pm.

15yo is getting a bit older, I supposed, but she still takes herself off by about 9pm, and if she hasn't, I chase her off. She sometimes moans a bit, but she likes her solo time - she does her journalling, tidies her room, has a nice long shower, investigates her spots for an eternity.

And we get to have some time just for us, or to have friends over etc.

But at any rate, growing teens and tweens NEED a lot of sleep and rest to recharge. Any later than 8pm for an 11yo is too late, IMO.

ThinkingAgainAndAgain · 20/02/2024 13:34

I was always told when my bedtime was, even when I was a month away from leaving home for university! At 11yo, I’d have been in bed for about 8:00/8:15.

Nowadays, DC1 is 16yo and an early riser, so takes himself off at about 9pm every night 😊

Original poster
FlighHi · 20/02/2024 13:41

We are the opposite - a family of night owls really. No one wakes up until 7:30 so I think he gets enough sleep going to bed when he does. I just need him out of my space from 8!

OP posts:
MamaMode · 20/02/2024 13:43

I've actually explained this to my 7 year old.... that her 8pm bedtime is important for her brain/body to rest and recharge, and that also when she goes to bed it gives 'me' a chance to make the house nice for her/her brother for the next day, and also so that 'I' can get some rest and have a good amount of energy so that I'm a happy and fun mum the next day🤣🤣 she does try to stay up later if she can get away with it, but I remind her of the above. My 13 year old DS enjoys solo time, so is happy to go into his room at 8.30ish and will read comics or watch tv until he goes to bed at 9.30

shearwater2 · 20/02/2024 15:23

Yes, that's ok. But just to point out that in a year or two you will be trying to entice him out of his bedroom from time to time, so enjoy his company while you can.

sprigatito · 20/02/2024 15:27

This enforced time in bedrooms is very popular on MN, but we never went in for it and don't know anyone who did. Our kids were only required to be in their rooms if they were supposed to be in bed, not for a period before. We just expected to share living space with them more as they got older and didn't feel the need to formalise periods of separation; there was nothing DH and I would be doing in the common areas of the house that we would need the children to be absent for. Neither of ours shut themselves in their rooms during the teenage years either, and we were glad they didn't.

RancidRuby · 20/02/2024 15:47

Seems a bit off to make them go their room by a certain time every single evening, after all it's their home too. Why don't you go to your room instead?

LizzieSiddal · 20/02/2024 15:53

I personally think that’s a bit early for an 11 year old and I wouldn’t want my child at that age feeling I found them a nuicance.

Why can’t he read/listen to music with headphones on, in the sitting room?

JaninaDuszejko · 20/02/2024 15:55

We are split in this house, DD2 (14) and I are in bed by 10pm but DH, DD1 (16) and DS (11) stay up late. Drives me insane, but I have to say that's because them being up late disturbs my sleep, I like spending time with them in the evenings. We have a good sized house though so we are split between the playroom, sitting room and dining room in the evenings.

Original poster
FlighHi · 20/02/2024 16:29

LizzieSiddal · 20/02/2024 15:53

I personally think that’s a bit early for an 11 year old and I wouldn’t want my child at that age feeling I found them a nuicance.

Why can’t he read/listen to music with headphones on, in the sitting room?

Because if he’s in the sitting room he can’t help himself but want to chat. He doesn’t just read/ listen to music quietly. If I’m sat crocheting for example he’s asking me about the stitches I am making. If I’m reading he wants me to summarise the plot. I am all for interaction and I love spending time with him, but frankly after about 8pm I am done and just want to be alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlighHi · 20/02/2024 16:31

RancidRuby · 20/02/2024 15:47

Seems a bit off to make them go their room by a certain time every single evening, after all it's their home too. Why don't you go to your room instead?

Because I want to watch television at that time for example, something that would be inappropriate for a child to watch. I can’t do that sat in my room. He isn’t allowed devices from 8pm (an hour before bed) so it makes sense for him to be in his room from that time.

OP posts:
paulMcCartney · 20/02/2024 16:37

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with quiet time before bed but it’s sad that your reason is that you don’t want to talk to him. Honestly, in a year or two he’ll change completely and you’ll miss the days when he loved to chat with his mum.

DorothyZ · 20/02/2024 16:42

sprigatito · 20/02/2024 15:27

This enforced time in bedrooms is very popular on MN, but we never went in for it and don't know anyone who did. Our kids were only required to be in their rooms if they were supposed to be in bed, not for a period before. We just expected to share living space with them more as they got older and didn't feel the need to formalise periods of separation; there was nothing DH and I would be doing in the common areas of the house that we would need the children to be absent for. Neither of ours shut themselves in their rooms during the teenage years either, and we were glad they didn't.

This was our approach too.

The DC are part of the family; not inconveniences

MissyB1 · 20/02/2024 16:53

At 11 our ds was usually in the shower at 8pm, then he pottered in the kitchen fixing himself a bedtime snack, then he liked to read in his room or listen to music. His lights out time was around 9pm.

Hes 15 now and he eats dinner at the table with us at 7pm, after that he’s upstairs. At 9:45 though I insist on him bringing his phone down, he has a snack, then all our phones go on charge in the living room and we all go to bed about 10ish.

CurlewKate · 20/02/2024 17:05

What's on TV between 8 and 9 that's not suitable for an 11 year old?

whiteboardking · 20/02/2024 17:06

Yr6 or Yr7?

idontlikealdi · 20/02/2024 17:10

I think it's a bit harsh for an 11yo tbh

Original poster
FlighHi · 20/02/2024 17:15

CurlewKate · 20/02/2024 17:05

What's on TV between 8 and 9 that's not suitable for an 11 year old?

We don’t have Live TV so it’s programmes that I want to watch that are streamed. At the moment I am watching One Day on Netflix for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlighHi · 20/02/2024 17:20

DorothyZ · 20/02/2024 16:42

This was our approach too.

The DC are part of the family; not inconveniences

Show quote history

I agree but for example DH is also part of my family. But being honest about our needs/ preferences he knows that from about 8pm I am completely done with other humans. Some nights we reconvene and spend time together as a couple from 10ish to bedtime. Some nights I feel or he feels really frazzled and needs a night doing our own thing. I know it’s a different relationship so might not compare - but shouldn’t you be able in a family to state what your needs are? Ie. I need the house to be quiet after a certain time. If DS has needs that are the opposite then we need a compromise. I’m just not sure what that looks like.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlighHi · 20/02/2024 17:22

paulMcCartney · 20/02/2024 16:37

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with quiet time before bed but it’s sad that your reason is that you don’t want to talk to him. Honestly, in a year or two he’ll change completely and you’ll miss the days when he loved to chat with his mum.

I talk to him/ interact with him constantly. Usually 5pm - 8pm we are spending time together as a family or one on one time with a child & parent. I think during the week when juggling busy jobs and school/ hobbies that’s plenty of time. Obviously he disagrees and would be around us from 5pm - bedtime. I can’t cope with that if I’m brutally honest. Maybe we do need to compromise somewhere though.

OP posts:
Rollergirl11 · 20/02/2024 17:22

Give it a few years and you’ll be posting with ideas on how you can entice your DS out of his bedroom as he spends all his time in there and doesn’t want to interact with you!

sprigatito · 20/02/2024 17:26

It's not usual for one person's "need" to be that the rest of the family disappear so that they can have the common living area to themselves, OP. I'm surprised your DH is willing to put up with that, never mind your 11yo. If you require silence and solitude at a time when the rest of the family is at home and awake, it really should be you who moves. Get a telly in your bedroom if you must. But I think you should try to adjust your expectations, as your child is getting older and will be around more in the evening, and what you're imposing isn't normal family life at all.

IslayAnn · 20/02/2024 17:28

Yeah I think that's fine, my DD is nearly 13 and has to be in her room by 10 on weeknights (parental controls lock mobile and laptop 9.30pm but don't mind her reading etc later). Sometimes we watch something together, sometimes she just wants to be alone in her room.
Sometimes I miss my alone time if she's been up with me until 10 because I won't want to be up much later than that but honestly I think I'll miss it if she stops wanting to or eventually moves out!

Original poster
FlighHi · 20/02/2024 17:31

sprigatito · 20/02/2024 17:26

It's not usual for one person's "need" to be that the rest of the family disappear so that they can have the common living area to themselves, OP. I'm surprised your DH is willing to put up with that, never mind your 11yo. If you require silence and solitude at a time when the rest of the family is at home and awake, it really should be you who moves. Get a telly in your bedroom if you must. But I think you should try to adjust your expectations, as your child is getting older and will be around more in the evening, and what you're imposing isn't normal family life at all.

Well we have a second living room (but no TV) that DH uses. DH will read in there or play on his gaming thing in there or listen to music. DH is also very introverted and so happy to be alone/ wants to be alone for long stretches. DC1 is very, very extroverted. We marvel at how he’s come from us! Maybe we could rotate who has which room and who is upstairs in their rooms. I’m not sure that would work though because if DS is downstairs he wants to be with one of us!

OP posts:
lotsofpeoplenametheirswords · 20/02/2024 17:32

There's gonna come a day, really really soon, when that kid isn't gonna chat to you incessantly or ask about your book or your crocheting! You'll get nothing more than a mumble out of him for a good couple of years. If you're fine with knowing that pretty soon he'll not really want to spend any time with you on an evening and still want to shove him upstairs then crack on! That's not particularly a dig by the way, iv got a 12 year old boy who could talk off the hind leg of a donkey, whose inane, ridiculous questions sometimes bore me to tears and can't do anything quietly either but I know that pretty soon, it isn't gonna be an annoyance anymore and so I just think crack on kid and chat to me whenever, about whatever, you want!