Is this acceptable? (Time In bedrooms)

[FlighHi]

My DS (11) is exhausting. Not naughty at all but very extroverted whereas I’m the complete opposite. I need time to myself in the evenings to recharge. As his bedtime naturally gets later my alone time is shrinking. I’ve started saying he needs to be in his bedroom by 8 but he’s more than welcome to read/ listen to music with headphones etc until 9. I then go in and say goodnight to him. Is this ok? It feels a bit cruel but at the same time it’s keeping me sane!
And if it is ok how long can I keep the “rule” up for? For example can you tell a 15 year old they have to be upstairs by 9:30/10 and in bed by 10:30/11?

Blimey at 8pm we are usually just sitting down for our dinner!
We didn’t really have enforced time in bedrooms, but then if ever I need some quiet time I just go and hang out somewhere else (until they find me 😂).
I wouldn’t want to send ds to his bedroom. He does often just go there of his own accord but other times he’s just my shadow, I try and embrace it.
I did find it weird adjusting when the eldest 2 turned about 10/11, they began to stay up later and dh and i had less time to ourselves but it’s just part and parcel of having kids really.
We very very rarely ever have any alone time now until we go to bed.
Our dc are now 19 (lives at uni), 18 and 12.

At any age, I would not make my child go to their room (unless it’s bedtime as a PP says) but certainly not as you get towards 15/16. It’s their home OP, sorry you feel ‘frazzled’ but you need to take yourself off then. What if your DC said that actually sitting cooped up in their room for a long time before they go to sleep is ‘frazzling’ them? The answer is probably to save up for a device you can watch in your room like a tablet.

Thinking about this - do you think it would be ok to say to DC they can stay up until 9 (bedtime) if they wish. However, after 8pm it’s quiet time. No one is starting a board game or whatever and if an adult has gone upstairs it’s not the time to be following them around asking questions. Or is that still too harsh?

It is probably obvious at this point that DH and I are not NT so we both really need the wind down time.

Yes this.

My teenagers were asked to go up at 8.30. They could do what they liked within reason until bedtime ( although that stopped at 16) and I got my time and everyone was happier for it!

That does sound a better way of doing it. It means he won’t feel banished to his bedroom and also he’s learning that sometimes people need quiet time and it’s a bit rude to keep asking questions when someone is reading/concentrating on something.

This does sound a good compromise and well done for taking on board what people are saying. He’ll learn you need quiet time but won’t feel banished. I promise you being banished to your room at that age knowing mum needs time away from you wil have an effect so well done on seeing that it needs to be his home too

@FlighHi I think that’s a good compromise and fair enough. And it’s a bit more sustainable- the ‘up to bed’ routine won’t wash for much longer anyway so you’re just setting yourself up for arguments whereas I think your compromise is completely fair enough.

Perfect compromise OP and perfectly acceptable. From them being a very young age I would say to my children I am watching this now on television, you are welcome to stay with me but I’d like to watch this quietly etc. I was always fully up for conversation and board games and playing etc at other points throughout the day so my DC knew these requests weren’t a sign of me not wanting to engage with them as such.

That's early for our family and we are very introvert .I think you want to keep the keeness to talk to you going as long as you can.today it maybe crochet and book plots but soon it will be puberty worries and teenage stuff that you'd rather he felt able to chat to you about.i think this is the age they want that closeness but dont know how to get it.can you snuggle together on the sofa and watch something with him before you watch adult stuff.or let him game with you/DH to maintain thay closeness.audio books are also good?

This. I totally agree. Our ds is 18 now and spends a lot of time playing guitar but he still enjoys our company and vice versa. It wouldn't have occurred to us to have ever shooed him upstairs saying we need me time - I think as a child /teen that would be quite hurtful to hear. As a parent you have to accept that as your children grow they spend more time in the shared living spaces. My parents never chased me before bedtime either. We have never and will never tell our son to go upstairs as we need 'me time'. That probably explains why he is happy to spend time with us even now.

I feel very sorry for your son. He is likely to pull away in a few years I would be grabbing every minute of him engaging.

You must be aware this will hurt his feelings? I have a 16 and 10 the older hangs out with me two/ three nights. I can't imagine not sharing the evening with them. We play games, do am activity they help make dinner etc and they share their thoughts.

Mine had bedtimes even as teens. I need some time to myself! Obviously there were days when I was lenient, holidays, things we were watching together, days I was just happy to be sharing time with them. But as an introvert and autistic, I need some time at the end of the day to just be by myself and recharge before sleeping.

I can relate to this.. you aren't shunning your child, you do spend time with him. I'd rather quality over quantity. I need time to decompress before bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have 2 DC left at home (16 & 14) and we rarely see them.

Home from school - 4pm
Homework in rooms till - 6pm
Dinner
Then they either go out with mates or back up to their rooms till they go to sleep around 10pm.

And I wish they’d stay downstairs and chat!!

I have to entice ds out his room to spend time with us. Have done for years. He's 12.

You have an extroverted child you want to put into isolation in his room because neither of his parents want him around after 8pm

Surely you can alternate nights and one parent spends time with him in the communal area while the other gets some time out in the other room? That is the compromise adults make. If he chooses to be alone in his own room then fair enough, but it seems unfair and unkind to banish him up there to sit alone.

This seems totally normal to me. By about 8 I encourage chill out time in bedrooms to help kids wind down. This includes my 12 year old who either has long baths listening to audible or is in his room with books etc

I think 8pm is absolutely fine at 11, my 13yo still goes at 8:30 in term time but she can read and do other things in her room as long as she likes. If you're ND you need time to decompress.

Same. I wonder why some people have children.

Mine 12/14 never come out of rooms. So soon you'll prob have same

We don't have childrens tv after 8pm. By then they are usually ready for their own quiet time anyway!
I catch up on work after 8pm, so they know I can't be disturbed. Its the compromise because I usually spend from 4-8 doing the family stuff... (helping with homework, cooking, taxi service, board games, chatting etc).

DSCs mum makes them go to their rooms at 7 so she can have "a child free evening" . They are 13 and 17. I find it baffling. I enjoy spending time with our children, we watch things together or play games (card games/Xbox). But then they have a fair few hobbies so aren't constantly in the house. If my head needs peace I take myself off to have a soak in the bath and read a book

Each to their own but 7/8 seem like little kids bedtimes to me and it's odd to be sending secondary school kids up that early. My DS is still at scouts at 8.

Seems quite harsh to start a bedtime rule at this age & you will most likely be trying to get a 15yo out of their room not getting them to go to it