Is this acceptable? (Time In bedrooms)

[FlighHi]

My DS (11) is exhausting. Not naughty at all but very extroverted whereas I’m the complete opposite. I need time to myself in the evenings to recharge. As his bedtime naturally gets later my alone time is shrinking. I’ve started saying he needs to be in his bedroom by 8 but he’s more than welcome to read/ listen to music with headphones etc until 9. I then go in and say goodnight to him. Is this ok? It feels a bit cruel but at the same time it’s keeping me sane!
And if it is ok how long can I keep the “rule” up for? For example can you tell a 15 year old they have to be upstairs by 9:30/10 and in bed by 10:30/11?

This is an accident waiting to happen.

Adolescent years are really challenging for young people.

When they have worries or need to talk i can tell you now that it will be in the evening/ bedtime and not at a time when you will want to talk.

Teenagers need their caregivers to be emotionally available.
Not told its quiet time or to avoid following their parent around the house.

I appreciate you are an introvert- but this is for you to manage.

Im a mental health nurse and couldn't imagine imposing these types of conditions on my children.

Thank goodness I didn't. They are 19 and 17 now and are secure mentally healthy teenagers- when they pop in every night to say goodnight , they will stay for a brief chat and it is at this time when they tend to share what is on their minds.

Be careful OP.

OP, I think what some posters are missing is that you’re talking about sensory overload and you need alone time like you need air. However, I do think what you’re suggesting is unfair on your dc. Even my nine year old isn’t in her room at 8pm.

It’s true what others are saying, very soon you will struggle to get him out of his room, he will only emerge for food.

I think maybe you need to find another way of managing your sensory needs. Small breaks earlier in the day? Half an hour to zone out before you spend time with him after school? Do you work? If you’re working full time I’m not surprised you’re completely done by 8.

I think explaining sensory needs to dc is healthy. Being able to explain that you need periods of quiet because of the way your brain works, so that he knows it has nothing to do with not wanting his company, is important. Sometimes, I say to my dc that they can read quietly with me but I need some silence to regroup because I’m overloaded. It’s healthy to model that they can do this too.

You can be emotionally available whilst still managing your own sensory needs, I disagree with the previous poster. We’re a completely ND household and we have to manage conflicting needs, it’s the biggest challenge. I think what some posters aren’t understanding is that you can’t just push through, not every evening and not without shutting down or melting down.

I sometimes say to mine that they can cuddle up, they can be quiet with me, but I need a minute so that I can listen to them properly.

We've never made them go to their rooms before their actual bedtime, I've not heard of anyone sending them upstairs an hour beforehand, to be honest!

Yes good for him to have down time too before sleep.

I think this too, it’s pretty early. It won’t be long before you won’t be able to get them out of their rooms at all anyway. It’s not a boarding school.

Mine read in bed before lights out.

After all of the advice (thank you), I had a chat with DS and DH last night. Between us we have agreed he can stay up until 8:30 and read in bed for a while, with lights out by 9. On Friday and Saturday nights he can stay up until 9. We are all happy with that. He goes to high school in September so we’ll reassess then. He’s my oldest so this age is still new territory for us all! His younger brother is still very happy going to sleep for 8!

For the people who said “why did I have children” or I obviously don’t love/like/ want to spend time with him or similar, that isn’t true at all. It did make me think how he might perceive things though because I obviously would never want him to feel like that. He said last night he knows that me and his dad get tired easily and our brains need a break. He knows how loved he is.

He said all of his friends go to bed at 10 or later so he ends up feeling like a baby. I think 10 is far too late for a 11 year old (year 6) but maybe I am just massively out of touch. Please let me know if I am!

10pm is too late for that age, and the problem would then be as they get to twelve and thirteen they would want an even later bedtime.

I think your plan is a good one.