Mourning how lovely my (now) teenagers were when they were little

[warmbath]

I'm not sure I am going to be able to explain this properly. My two eldest (17 and 15) are just horrible most of the time. Dd did something really naughty recently which we have worked through but caused me and DH a significant amount of worry and stress. I have found myself spending a lot of time looking back at photos and videos when they were little and getting really upset, wishing that I could rewind time when they loved us unconditionally and were safe and we knew what they were doing. I know this phase won't last forever but it's really impacting my mental health, I almost feel like I am grieving for the lovely children I have lost.

You may be correct on a technical definition but you know that’s not what I meant. It’s not policing anyone’s language to point out that use of the word mourning in this context is insensitive - about children who are still here, yes changed from the cute toddlers they once were - but still here for you to love and enjoy and watch as they grow and change and hopefully fulfil their dreams too.
Some people are actually mourning their children. So express sadness, regret, wistfulness, nostalgia - whatever it is - fine I guess but be thankful you have the privilege to feel all that. Some people don’t.

I was definitely a tricky teenager and think I got off fairly lightly with my three or I have blanked it from my brain !
My lot are now lovely ,thoughtful 20 somethings who love their Mum and are now great company . So hang on in there OP💐

My son is now 21 ands absolutely wonderful-so thoughtful BUT 15 - 19 years was terrible. My younger son is 18 and seems permanently miserable ... 😞

Just keep remembering it is a phase

I feel sad for my adult and teen children. They seem to have so many problems and life has sucked all the innocent joy they used to have.
I miss when my boys were little and had utter delight watching workmen dig a hole in the road and seeing how deep it was. Or playing on the trampoline at nursery or pretending to be WWE champions, standing on a cut down tree trunk.
Now it's all work and pressure and stress.
I miss their general happiness so much!

I recently completed a counselling course and we were taught about theories of grief and loss which showed me how we can experience loss in many different ways. Mourning is simply a way to describe how people have feelings about loss.

I don’t think anyone was being insensitive.

I miss this too.
I also miss the joy that I shared with them when a workman dug a hole and calling them to tell them the binmen were coming.
As a parent you can share such innocent and lovely joy with small kids that you just don't have with teenagers.
One of my teens has been grunting for so long, he is going to have to relearn English if he wants to function as an adult.

Thank you for this perspective from the parent of a toddler. The tutu and wellies is our reality at the moment, total joy today from seeing a cat and getting her face painted. It's hard a lot of the time but I will try hold onto this mindset

I'm just so grateful l got to see mine grow up, as sadly my husband didn't.

I feel the same way OP.

One of my teens is seriously unwell (currently in hospital) and I feel I view my life as in two parts- before she was ill and now.

It’s so painful to look back on photos and videos of when they were all young and would make up games in the garden and pretend to be DC SuperHeroes. They all love to spend time together still but it’s so hard now she’s so poorly, she misses out on so much.
I’d give anything to turn back the clock.

I wonder if it is a bit of looking back through rose tinted glasses. I had PND and had a difficult time when mine were babies. I remember all the breastfeeding and pain and mastitis etc and the never ending ness of it all as well, I feel a bit like PTSD at times.

But they were also sweet as well and so focused on you.

I'm quite liking the teen years. I have two boys 15 and 18, I like talking to them and they now do things like pat me on the arm and ask how I am. I have been ill recently and they suddenly seem mature, doing thing like picking up a prescription for me, learning to drive or getting their first job.

I still find I get the (oxytocin rush?) lovely feeling in my chest when I think of them. they are still the same people. Even if maybe not as cuddly.

But this is life, getting over attached to a certain stage maybe doesn't help us.

It is a very odd sort of grief isn't it. You've lost someone who will never come back, yet they're still there. I only have one DS, and had a massive snotty weep-fest a few months ago when I finally accepted he was my height, a smelly teenager, and my angelic little boy was never coming back.

When he was little I'd just hold my hand out and he'd grab hold of it, and look up with such love. Now if I try to even stroke his hair I get a recoil. I know it's all natural, and he's still in there somewhere, but I do find myself crying over old pictures of him. Fortunately, he knows I'm a sentimental old fool, and sometimes indulges me in reminiscing about when he was young.

He even sometimes comes over for a hug. I try not to let on how precious that is!

I have been looking an at old camera. Made me cry . He was so cute. I also sometimes feel like ahh i want one of the people I work with with cute little 5ish year old when they tell me funny stories.

They are jealous that I have loads of time as he hardly socialites or talks to us lol.

I remember feeling like this when my oldest DS was 11/12 when he went through a difficult patch. I remember missing my happy little boy. I sometimes miss my younger one being nicer. However, on the whole I'm probably enjoying the teenage years and the freedom I now have more. I dont miss never being able to have a lie in/rest no matter what, constantly cleaning and tidying (ok I have to do some now but not as much), everything having to revolve around bedtime,/routine (I wasn't even that strict about these things) and generally having very little down time, DH works shifts so I always had to plan a night out a couple of weeks in advance. That said, I miss the more energised, slimmer 30s version of me. I was somehow more prepared to go the extra mile then if that makes sense. I also hadn't had as many bad things happen, over the past ten years there have been three bereavements and I've had breast cancer. I love how capable and independent my older DS is, he's nearly 17 and has had a girlfriend for nearly a year. Its lovely having another female around in a house full of males. My youngest Son has also just made us pasta for dinner, which is amazing. Mixed bag I guess.

I also still love the hugs when I get them, not very often, although older DS does hug me more.

I get it, I wish I could go back and spend one more day with them as toddlers. When their love was unconditional and they got joy from puddles.

For me I want my lovely little DD1 back who was happy skipping off to school, dancing, gymnastics, swimming, Brownies and sleepovers with her friends. Now she has so many mental health issues she never leaves the house, she’s a shell of that little bubbly girl sometimes you see her poking through though.

My Dd is 13 and I'm feeling a lot of sadness for the absolute joy she was, always happy and radiant, now grumpy and snarky and seems to dislike me. Makes me want to cry.
I do still have an ,8 and 6 year old who are happy, loving and cuddly. I'm making the most of it, it's over in a blink.

Totally get it- DS has school photos today and was trying to persuade him to smile. For some reason we had his reception photo out where he is sat with beaming grin on his round baby face - and his hair was clean and brushed ... the contrast is scary. I

Sounds like my dd x

It is a type of grief. I think it is natural.

That’s so sad to read. I hope she recovers fully and becomes your bubbly girl/woman in time 💐

I think the starkest thing here is how sad and unhappy so many teenagers are.

I think our modern life and way of living in the UK - exam focused, big schools with lots of stress and pressure - lack of freedom, autonomy, not enough time spent outdoors or just relaxing with friends - then of course social media etc. Its just making them sad.

I can also relate to this. My DS was a lovely, funny, engaging little boy and carried on up to about age 11. Since that point to now he's become grumpy, antisocial, rude, introverted and can sometimes be downright nasty.

Facebook memories just make me sad! I am really struggling to be reminded of how lovely and cute he was.

Added to that, it does seem as if all my friends have clever, well adjusted sociable children who are just sailing through life - and this exacerbates things even further.

You're not alone!