Mourning how lovely my (now) teenagers were when they were little

[warmbath]

I'm not sure I am going to be able to explain this properly. My two eldest (17 and 15) are just horrible most of the time. Dd did something really naughty recently which we have worked through but caused me and DH a significant amount of worry and stress. I have found myself spending a lot of time looking back at photos and videos when they were little and getting really upset, wishing that I could rewind time when they loved us unconditionally and were safe and we knew what they were doing. I know this phase won't last forever but it's really impacting my mental health, I almost feel like I am grieving for the lovely children I have lost.

It does get better though. Mine are now almost 20/22 and they are lovely.

My son's friends dad for as long as I can remember always says he looks back at photos of the kids when they were little and the amount of time he's lost because he's worked so many hours and how shit it makes him feel. His kids are still young (12 and 14) he still dwells on the younger years instead of making these years count, dad guilt is a thing too.

Can totally relate to this

Yep, I'm in this club, too. I love my 17yr but my god he his an obnoxious twat. On very rare occasions, I see my lovely little lad, but if I say the wrong thing, omg, look out. I try to avoid any topic that may spark him off, but it could be the most simple thing. He's planning on joining the Navy, and I honestly can't wait for him to go. I just hope he adjusts his attitude or he is going to have a really rough time.

What a wonderful post this is. I too look back at photographs of my kids when they were little and remember only the fun bits - the book bag coming home every day, the little school concerts (sweet little unsure singers!) the little hand in mine, afternoons at the park, taking them to see and do stuff .... there were probably hard parts but I just don't remember those so well.

Anyway... the thing is... your not-so-lovely-as-they-were teenagers will be adults soon. Hopefully you will be lucky and they will do that thing MOST do, and metamorphosise one more time... and become very lovely again (because they are YOURS and you raised them) but, obviously, lovely in a different way from the small child days.

I offer as anecdotal data, that my DDs, now aged 35 and 40, are my dearest, best friends, my support when needed, and occasionally the other way around, my best holiday and day out companions, my most fun Whatsappers... I am glad that I had them, every single day.

I wouldn't go back to when mine were little for anything, cute as they were, and I certainly wouldn't go back to the exhausted and stressed person with far less knowledge and self-confidence I was in my 30s. Yes, they have their moments now as teenagers, and can cause me a lot of worry, can be rude, frustrating, lazy and self-centred, but they are also hilarious, make me think, are constantly surprising, full of beans and most of the time good company. I really like having their friends over as well.

@ApplesinmyPocket you have just made me cry. What a beautiful post. Thank you x

I've been thinking along these lines a bit recently and mine are still only at the beginning/on the cusp of being teens and still relatively straightforward most of the time.
Then I spent a day with a friend's 4yo & 2yo whilst my friend was at a funeral. We were going to have the best day. Bloody hell! I was on my knees by lunchtime. I'd forgotten the physicality of it all (lifting in & out of the car; the seat belts; the buggy); the fact that you are responsible for everything; the fact that you have to keep an eye on them ALL of the time; that even though these two little girls adore each other and play really well together, there is regular, low level bickering.

Lovely thread and some really thoughtful posts from people giving hope. Thank you!

I am another one literally wishing the teenage years away. Mine aren't horrible to be honest but my oldest is mentally unwell and I am utterly drained.
It is very hard to stay hopeful and I am just glad when each day ends and I am in bed thankful we didn't end up in A&E.
This makes me feel very guilty as I want to stay normal, hopeful and positive for unwell DD and more so younger DS who is coping with it all stoically.

Xx

Thank you for your responses, it makes me feel less alone, my local friends all seem to have perfect well adjusted teenagers who revise for exams, have sensible heads on them and interesting hobbies. My two stay in their bedrooms (even though we encourage them to come out with us), are rude, argumentative and hard work, my DD also has a variety of mental health issues which makes things even more challenging. They can be, on occasions, lovely, funny and kind however. I do remember how blinking hard it was when they were little at times, physically draining, lack of sleep, watching children’s tv on repeat, sickness bugs from school etc., and I’m probably looking back at it in rose tinted glasses, but it seemed more simple in a lot of ways, whereas now, if things go wrong then they can go very wrong, I still don’t feel like I have enough oversight of what they do online for example, the trackers I installed on their phones don’t work. I know I was a horrible teenager at times to my lovely mum, and now we have a very strong relationship, so hoping that we come out of the other end of teenagerhood relatively unscathed.

W went through a very rough patch with dd2,now 16, a few years ago. I kept a picture of her aged 9 by my bed. In it she has just got caught out by a huge wave whilst walking by the sea and she was laughing and joyous. It was such a contrast to the person she was at 14/15 that it sometimes made me cry to look at it. But I kept it there to remind me that she still had that in her. She is coming back to herself now, touch wood. Hang in there op.

This is hilarious 🤣 thank you, I will save that for when my kids are a bit older!

I was thinking this the other day, I had my younger child at a farm park I used to take my older children a lot.

There was a little girl running around in a tutu and wellies, just like my now 13 yr old used to. We home educated them for years and had such a simple, connected, wholesome life and I really yearned for it right then. As 13 year olds go, she's a delight, but she's not got much interest in me or her dad, she certainly isn't connected to us in the same way.

Ah now I don't miss the toddler / preschool days at all. Mine were horrible toddlers! But as teens they're bloody brilliant (14 & 13) fully aware I haven't got into the full on storm and stress of teen years yet and it might well change.
But sorry you're having to deal with delinquents OP, that sounds miserable. But I'm sure they'll mature into awesome young adults.

Relate 100%.

I keep getting memories of my kids when they were little popping up on Facebook and they were so cute. It makes me feel a bit tearful and I just want to go back in time and give them a hug (I occasionally get a hug from one of my teens but it’s more likely to be a rant about why can’t he take creatine 😣)

No it’s not. The transition from a child to adult can be experienced as a loss. Loss doesn’t always mean death and people are allowed to grieve a loss. I definitely feel sense of loss as my children have grown up.

I saw a little boy, probably about three, holding hands with his Mum and clutching a red paper rose that he had obviously just made at nursery for Valentine’s Day.

I kept thinking about that image and how happy and uncomplicated he was, it just made me so sad.

I worked a lot when they were little, I found the toddler stage exhausting.

I'm loving the teenage and pre teenage stage so far, DD16 and DD11. We have shopping trips, do girly spa nights, watch certain TV shows or have movie nights together. I get to hear all the drama of school and friends. It's so nice to have this as I didn't with my Mum. She didn't understand me and we fought a lot.

I look at pics of my dd12 when she was a carefree happy little girl and could cry. She was diagnosed with autism three years ago and is a very unhappy, anxious girl. Hopefully that happy girl will return one day.

I was reading back over my Birth Club group on here from years ago just last night. It's amazing reading how much energy I had for most of my pregnancy and how naive I was on the whole. I think when we look back we forget how different we ourselves were then, what we didn't know and we need to give ourselves some grace. It's the good memories that we need to cherish and focus on, forgive ourselves any bad (we are human!).

Fb threw me a lovely pic of a curly angelic looking dd in the bath this morning which as gorgeous. I still remember all of the "No" at that age though and how tired I was! I'd theoretically go back for maybe 2 hours then be happy to hand her back to old me

i think it’s normal to feel sad about the changes and your kids’ transition to adulthood. It’s life. it’s a change. Some of us are better with change than others. And yes it is a kind of grief.

You only have to look at the threads on here to see how much some parents have to navigate.

You can’t police people’s use of language!! Whether you like it or not, one of the dictionary definitions of the word is
to feel regret or sadness about (the loss or disappearance of something). Entirely appropriate in the context of the OP.

They really do come back.

Dd1 was never really a stroppy teen and we were really lucky with her.

Dd2 was the typical stroppy, gobby, moody teen. We didnt accept that behaviour and I lost track of the number of times we told her not to speak to us like she was. From 12 onward she wasnt very pleasant with us at all. Worse towards her dad. And she and her sister couldnt be in one room without falling out.

She turned the corner at about 17 when she got a part time job and left school for 6th form college.

Now in uni she's lovely. And when she was home for a month over christmas she and her sister didnt fall out once. It was a major win!

I sort of agree but parenting little children is a flipping massive effort. I really don’t miss that. Primary are the golden years.

That said I am enjoying teens though yes there is angst and mess but you can also do actual enjoyable things with them I will take gym/coffee over going to the park.