15 year old bedtime

[Felic23]

I'm so tired! I've just increased my Son's bedtime from 9.30pm to 10pm on school nights..All his friends are in a habit of having a group call at this time and my Son was according to him only one who had to get off call to go to bed.

Even with this later bedtime I can hear he is still having to leave the call whilst they continue till I don't know what time. He is arguing the point that he gets up for school every day so hassle, is on time and doing well in school. So wants to extend again to 10.30pm to join in call longer.

The problem is 1. I don't think he will be getting enough sleep 2. I used to go to bed at 9.30pm. Now I'm staying awake in order to take phone off him at 10pm and say goodnight
I'm exhausted, what do other parents do when they want to go to sleep before teen on school nights?

I don't actually know tbh. Never delved into it in that much detail. I'm guessing that some probably just use it with WiFi only so they may not have contracts. Do you need a sim to access social media apps etc?

Who knows, kids are very resourceful when they want to be!

You are turning this into an unnecessary confrontation.

Why?

At what point do you see yourself allowing your son to manage his own time and set his own priorities?

You want him to become an adult, right?

At 15, my DCs had at least four hours of homework to do nightly and judged their own bedtimes. They got themselves up in the morning, and were never late for school.

I've heard people claim this before secret phones secret social media.. how was this child paying for her secret phone?

I've heard people claim this before secret phones secret social media.. how was this child paying for her secret phone?

Most likely topping up with payment cards

Funnily enough, I didn't send in the investigators so I have no idea how he was paying for it! Not my child, not my concern.

However, at a guess...? Maybe he bought a second hand device with his pocket money or earnings from a part time job that he is using with his home wifi? Maybe he was making use of a hand-me-down from a friend? Maybe he was making tons of money through County Lines or similar and could afford a separate contract?!

I honestly don't know, but I do know that he had a second phone that his parents knew nothing about. Similarly, I knew that my friend's daughter had secret social media accounts that her mother definitely didn't know about - her mum repeatedly told me that her dd wasn't allowed social media and didn't have it, but I could see her dd's accounts through monitoring the accounts for my own dd. I have no idea how she managed to keep the accounts hidden from her parents. Like I said, kids are resourceful, and if they perceive that parental restrictions are unreasonable, they will find ways of bypassing these.

They get an old phone from home or a friend and use it on WiFi. Not rocket science.

Op, just go to bed, let him have his phone, if he abuses the privilege then maybe start hovering over him again.
I'm just amazed that you need/ get 9 hours sleep!

Until GCSEs were over (last year) my DD had a bedtime of 10pm. No phones or electronics allowed in her room and I wouldn't have given a monkeys about a group call happening, I'd have still said it was bedtime.

Just ask your son to try to arrange the call with his friends for slightly earlier.

My son would charge his phone outside of his bedroom after 10pm until his GCSE’s were finished (but he was allowed his phone in his room on a Fri and sat night) He now ‘manages’ his own time now he is in 6th form but is permanently tired!

Phones / Internet are a nightmare. I wasn't aware of how much online bullying, grooming, inappropriate content goes on when Internet/ phones are just given to teens. After attending safeguarding training as part of my job I'm a bit scarred and totally understand worry around phones!!

Most teens will quickly work out that being up on their phone all night = being tired and unable to function properly the next day. They need to make mistakes in order to learn from them and to be able to regulate themselves. A 15 year old only has 3 more years at home until they move away for uni, to some extent as a parent you have to step away so that they will be able to manage on their own, and not go wild at any chance of freedom due to years of micromanaging!

I am in the minority here as DS is not allowed any screens in his bedroom because he is unable to self-regulate his screen use (we have tried being more relaxed and it just backfires).

We use Family Link which locks his phone after a certain time.

Not all teenagers are able to manage their bedtimes / phone use. In school you can tell the ones who are allowed to be on screens all night because they’ll be half-asleep in lessons, regularly late for school and will admit themselves they stayed up until 2am on Fortnite.

Maybe everyone on here has perfect teenagers who can put their phone away at a sensible time and go to bed, get themselves up, be bright and breezy for school the next day. However not all children are like that.

Thanks for all replies, too many to reply individually but some answers to some of the questions- I don't actually go to bed at 9pm. I start getting ready for bed and ideally would like to be going to sleep 9.30pm on work days as I have a very physically tiring job.

His phone is a apple.

Giving all the advice some thought I'm torn between setting his phone to turn off at 11pm or allowing him to make his own choice and learning to self regulate.

The worry I have is since letting him stay up till 10pm he has been late for school twice and missed 2 homeworks. Not a huge deal but that has not happened before.

He is and always has been a really smart sensible boy but am noticing changes with hormones and they massive pull to friends and now girls.

I think I do need to accept hes getting older, I'm the Christmas holidays I let keep his phone and I do on weekends. He stays up till the early hours. I don't think he would do that on a school night though.

@Rainyblue

I was about to be in the other camp and actually - you're right! I can't even put my phone down at a sensible time somedays, let alone a kid

Everyone needs different amounts of sleep. You can’t make a judgement like ‘8 hours of sleep is plenty for most people’. OP is obviously one of those that needs more sleep.

When I was in my twenties, living alone, no kids and a full time job...I'd go to bed at about 9/9.30pm...otherwise I'd massively struggle to get up!

You need to trust at some point. I text my dd if she's too loud gaming! It's hard deciding when it's up to them but by 15 most will be going to sleep more like 11

Mine are adults now so it was fine to stop bed times by upper school (14 here) on condition they weren't sleepy all the time

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you going to bed at 9pm! Last night I was tucked up and nearly asleep by 9:15pm, I love my bed!!

Our 15 year old goes to bed at 9:30 pm, reads for half an hour then sleeps from 10 to 6:45. He doesn't argue about it.
We use family link to switch phone off 9:45-6:40 every day.
Works for us and his maturity levels - not every 15 year old boy is good at self-regulation.

School nights my 15 year old old is asked to switch off his phone and other tech.

Also the other thing is that after being on screens it takes a while for brains to switch off to be able to sleep, especially teen brains which are naturally wired to being more alert in the evenings. Which is why the advice is generally no phone screens an hour before bed (although I admit I am not good at this!).

So everyone saying ‘10pm is an early bedtime for a 15 year old’ - it’s not a 10pm bedtime, that’s just the time his phone goes off, he probably needs 30 minutes after that to chill before being able to sleep.

Between 8-11 hours of sleep is recommended for teenagers, depending on the individual, and interestingly teens often need more sleep than younger children due to the amount of changes in their brains.

OP you could try using Family Link to turn his phone off at 10.30pm as a compromise and see how it goes. If he is asleep by 11pm and up at 7am, then that’s 8 hours. Which may be enough - or may not.

If he is late for school / schoolwork slipping, then you bring the phone downtime back earlier.

I used to have this battle and now have decided that as long as he gets up for school, he can keep the phone and it's on him if he is tired. They have to work this stuff out for themselves.
We are all happier, no arguments at 11pm (or 7.30am)and I can get an early night if I need one.

I think you're being given an unnecessarily hard time OP! I still try to get my Yr11 DD to put lights out by 10. And she's not allowed phone or computer in her room.
Seeing as everything about sleep (with which many people are increasingly struggling) always says that adults shouldn't have electronics in their rooms to aid restful sleep, I don't think it's at all unreasonable that the same applies to teens!
But certainly you could leave him to put his phone somewhere outside his room once he's finished and you get yourself to bed!

What!!!! My dd is 11 she goes to bed about 11.