Is it weird to go into your teenage child's bedroom ?

[Taprobane]

Our 18 yo son, final year A' Levels, locks his door when he's in his room - often in the evening, always at night, and often during the day too. He's on the spectrum, isn't very sociable or family-oriented, and spends most of his time at home in his room.

My husband and I like to go into his room to say goodnight, whether we're going to bed, or we think he should be in bed (and usually isn't), and always knock before we go in, whatever time it is. We often have to go into his room in the mornings to wake him up as he often misses his alarm (we can unlock the door from the outside but still knock first). We also like to go into his room to deliver clean laundry, to say we're going out, or just to say hi. He says it's weird that we should want to go into his room at all and that other parents don't do it.

So I'd really like to know your thoughts .... are we weird ?

No your knocking not barging in honestly my 15 year old never closes his door (currently it's broken but usually it's open anyway)

But I would encourage independence and say come get your washing etc

Also get an alexa alarm you control I can send messages through ds alexa which brings him out of the pit of doom (his room) and help him wake up

The key here is what he wants. If he doesn't want you in his room, then you should stay out in my opinion. Some young people really need their own sanctuary and to know that they have the right to solitude if they want it. This is particularly common for ND young people, and I accommodate it for mine. Leave the laundry outside the door, say good night downstairs etc; there's no need to violate his privacy.

I always knock on my teens door... wouldn't allow them a lock though.

No of course it’s not weird in many families. But your son obviously likes his space and finds it weird. It would probably help if you explained the reasoning behind why you go in, in a logical way that he can understand.

As long as you knock I can't see the problem.

He's your child, not your lodger.

He might want totally privacy and to pretend that he doesn't live in your house, but I imagine he's not paying the bills or doing the house maintenance and therefore has to put up with the slight irritation of parents talking to him.

I doubt he would like a landlord either.

We don't have locks either, but mine have never asked for them. If they know you're going to respect their space it's less likely they'll need to lock the door, I guess.

Do you wait for a "come in" after you knock?

If he said it wasn't a good time after you knocked, do you go away?

I have a 17 yo DD and like you said of your DS, she needs waking up sometimes in the morning and a knock and a call through the door doesn't always suffice!
As long as you're not in there every ten minutes and you make sure you give fair warning it is normal, especially with teens who may need an extra bit of support (reminding to actually get dressed and get ready for college being our most challenging).

I don't think it's weird, but that said I don't think I've been into my son's room for probably a year. I have no reason to be in there.

I'm 44 and I don't like people coming in my room.

People popping in even after knocking would drive me up the wall.

I like privacy.

The difference here for me is that he's 18, so not a child but I understand being nd, there may be additional needs.

So yes, it is weird IF he doesn't want you to, as I said, he's not a child anymore.

No, it wouldn't be weird if he didn't mind or if he was younger than 18 and you're doing what you are.

Perhaps him being 18 is what has triggered this?

Absolutely this!!

Yes, but do you live with your parents who pay the bills, change your laundry and have to wake you up for work in the morning?

He's an adult I don't go into my dcs rooms without asking them first. Certainly not to say goodnight I shout that as I walk past. And why are you monitoring what time he goes to sleep?

Probably because she's the kid's Mum and wants him to get a decent nights sleep.
Nothing more cryptic than that.

Oh dear Lord, what a state we have arrived at if a pair of (presumably) loving parents are told that cannot enter their child’s room in a house that they own or pay rent on!

Of course you shouldn’t barge in when he’s changing, or do so in fifteen years time when he has brought his wife and DC for Christmas, but to go in to talk to him or ask a question while he’s still living at home and being actively parented by you - why on earth not?

I’m assuming you knock and then wait to be invited in. That’s fine.

@RedHelenB

did you completely ignore the fact that he's ND?

@Taprobane

my parents would always say goodnight to me if I was in my room too. Sometimes it would annoy me if it was a knock as they're were opening the door, but it would have been weird if they hadn't done it.

with ND thrown in it's harder, the usual retorts really aren't fair/applicable.

Maybe just say, you're not bothered by what other parents do, you love him & your family do xyz because that's how you want your family to be. You want to say goodnight personally because you love him & want to check he's ok before you go to bed, you put clean laundry in his room because you've done the work to make sure it's clean & ready for him & don't want it getting messed up elsewhere etc.

I'm always in my DDs rooms, not to say good night but during the day for a chat, to pass on messages, drop off laundry, look for plates etc

My 17 year old doesn’t have a lock, doesn’t want one, and says he likes us popping into his room so long as we knock first.

I haven’t gone into my children’s rooms without permission since they were about 11. I leave laundry outside their door. If I need to wake them again I just knock on the door like it’s a raid and I’m the police If I want to go in and chat I knock and when they say what or yes I then ask if it’s okay to come in. I never just knock and go in or assume it’s okay to go in after they’ve answered.

My parents are/were great parents but privacy was never a thing with them. They’d come and go as they pleased. So now I make sure give my DC their own space that they know is only theirs.

I have an 18yo who likes his own space. I knock if I need to speak to him, but I don't need to very often. It sounds like you're popping in and out quite a lot, so I'd cut down on that as you know he doesn't like it.

I never went into my kids rooms after the age of 10 unless invited. They stripped their beds and remade them, they kept their rooms relatively tidy and we had an rule for respecting privacy, door shut, you knocked and waited to be asked in.

We've had 11 years old, and now 10.

Any advance on 10?!

Anyone not been in their children's bedrooms since they were a toddler??