Is it weird to go into your teenage child's bedroom ?

[Taprobane]

Our 18 yo son, final year A' Levels, locks his door when he's in his room - often in the evening, always at night, and often during the day too. He's on the spectrum, isn't very sociable or family-oriented, and spends most of his time at home in his room.

My husband and I like to go into his room to say goodnight, whether we're going to bed, or we think he should be in bed (and usually isn't), and always knock before we go in, whatever time it is. We often have to go into his room in the mornings to wake him up as he often misses his alarm (we can unlock the door from the outside but still knock first). We also like to go into his room to deliver clean laundry, to say we're going out, or just to say hi. He says it's weird that we should want to go into his room at all and that other parents don't do it.

So I'd really like to know your thoughts .... are we weird ?

I try to respect their space but sometimes I need to collect the dirty crockery or we won’t have anything to eat out of.
I found 6 bowls under ds2’s bed last time I looked.

I go in to get the dirty washing from the basket and to open the window now and then, but that's it.
I do quite a lot of parenting via WhatsApp in the house 😆

Our relationship with our DC is pretty good, so it’s never occurred to me to make it off bounds.

No locks in my house for fire safety reasons. I’ve cultivated bedroom chats as a time when my dc get my undivided attention for a few minutes and with my autistic ds that means taking an avid interest in his current obsession. I’m hoping that my cunning psychological conditioning tricks will buy me a few more years of welcome in their sanctuaries.

I don’t come in for laundry if it’s left outside, or for dishes if we’re not running short downstairs.

It’s not about never going into their rooms it’s about knocking and asking to come in rather than just waltzing in. It’s about accepting that they’re growing up and respecting their privacy.

I never went into my children's rooms without knocking and being invited in from about the age of 6. And they could say no and I respected that. I don't think I'd have allowed locks though-cigarettes, candles, joss sticks....too risky.

You only need locks in a family home if people don’t respect each other’s privacy.

My mum used to pop her head in my bedroom door every night to say goodnight, even when I was asleep. Until I was 23. It drove me insane. Left home that year.

I think once you’re knocking, fine, especially if he’s on the spectrum- people need contact and we all know how easy it is to fall into the ‘seeing nobody then finding socialising difficult’ thing, after Covid it was much more difficult for people to converse etc.
The less you talk to someone the more they retreat. With screens kids/teens and young adults would happily let the real world just disappear and it’s our job to say hi and remind them real life is out there by just chatting! (Obviously not once an hour or something!!!)

Of course I’ve been in! I just don’t do it without asking. My eldest likes me to come in and chat about everything and nothing (the youngest won’t entertain the idea!).

Why was a lock fitted? I wouldn't have that in a family home.

At 18 you should knock and wait for an answer. I would shout good night.

I never went into my children's rooms without knocking and being invited in from about the age of 6.

6!!!

It looks like:

a) my point has been proven and
b) we have a winner.

If he doesn’t like it, then yes it’s weird.

Why are you still both doing it if he doesn’t like it?

I still go into my 16yo DDs room but that’s because she’s not bothered about it.
The second she says she doesn’t like it then I would stop immediately.

Tell him to put his laundry in the basket and just knock on and say goodnight from outside of the door.

Maybe she wanted the room back 😁

I go in most days to collect cups, crockery etc. but always knock if door is closed. When he’s at school I am in there a couple of times a week to clean. I’ve told him I’d have no reason to go in if he cleaned it himself but it’s a mess otherwise.

If the door's shut I'll knock before going in (or if ajar, I'll make sure I'm not sneaking about!) - I wouldn't allow locks on bedroom doors in my house.

But I'll go in to say goodnight, or to check if there's anything that needs taking down/nagging about tidying, or if I want to talk to them.

Just like if they want to chat with me, it's fine for them to come in my room (but again, they should knock if the door's shut)

Oh, if one of them suddenly started hating me going in, then as long as it was tidy, I suppose I wouldn't, but I would be a little concerned that they have something secret enough that they can't even risk me being in the same room as it.

I know...lol. The countdown begun to see the most detached "coolest" mum.

I still have to parent my teen dc so as long as there's consideration for privacy (knocking incase naked, etc), entering your child's room is encouraged here. To spend time with them, get to know them in a casual space, ask questions find out what they're up to in a casual conversation, share things with them yourselves so it's a 2way street, answer their questions, generally be a friend and parent not just a servant.

All conversations mustn't be had at the dining table at a particular time.

When they're adults (18+), it's a different thing.

I don’t think you need to go in his room to say goodnight, nor say hi, nor tell him that you’re going out.

Waking him up - yes, that’s fine.

Delivering laundry - maybe. I do tend to wait until they’re not there and then leave it on the end of their bed. Or just leave it for them to collect.

However, if you haven’t seen him for 24 hours, or he allows the room to become a festering pit of mouldy mugs etc, I’d definitely stage an intervention.

Not weird at all.

Mine's only 16 but I knock and go in to wake him up, open a window, hoover, retrieve things he's borrowed.

It's my house and I need to keep it basically clean, no matter what he thinks.

He's told you he doesn't like it and wants you to stop.

That's a boundary as an adult he's setting with you.

So it won't matter if 50 people on here says it's ok. What he thinks is what matters.

I hate people coming my room. It's my private space. I keep my door closed and locked. Yes, I'm ND.

He's 18. Time for him to do his own laundry, keep his room clean, wake himself up. Why isn't he?

My DS is18 and I don't clean for him or change his bedding etc but I do occasionally take ironed clothes is and put them on the bed for him to put away. If he's in there I wouldn't go in without knocking. His room does have the best Wifi in the house due to the position of the router and he will sometimes offer me his desk if I need to make a video call, so I don't think he is hiding any dark secrets in there. But he is a typical, messy teenage boy and I am past clearing up after him so generally I prefer to keep out of it. At the moment he is revising for A level mocks and when I did stick my head around the door the other day the room was covered in post it notes and past papers - I'm definitely not venturing in there til it's over! We don't have TVs, games consoles etc upstairs in our house so he spends plenty of time downstairs anyway and I don't feel I need to go into his room to talk to him. I'm not sure I'd say it's weird to go into a teenager's room though, as long as you knock first.

At that age he's probably worried you'll catch him having a wafty crank. 😂

Yes, yes, I’m such a cool mum. So much cooler than you. 🙄

Or, as has been said, I do spent time in their rooms doing all the stuff you said but I don’t just walk in. So pretty much exactly how you do things I bet.

I've no idea why a couple of you are being weird about this.

The only thing different I seem to actually do is not go in there when they aren’t there. They keep their own rooms clean, or not. I’ll help if they ask but they’re older now so don’t.