Is it weird to go into your teenage child's bedroom ?

[Taprobane]

Our 18 yo son, final year A' Levels, locks his door when he's in his room - often in the evening, always at night, and often during the day too. He's on the spectrum, isn't very sociable or family-oriented, and spends most of his time at home in his room.

My husband and I like to go into his room to say goodnight, whether we're going to bed, or we think he should be in bed (and usually isn't), and always knock before we go in, whatever time it is. We often have to go into his room in the mornings to wake him up as he often misses his alarm (we can unlock the door from the outside but still knock first). We also like to go into his room to deliver clean laundry, to say we're going out, or just to say hi. He says it's weird that we should want to go into his room at all and that other parents don't do it.

So I'd really like to know your thoughts .... are we weird ?

We go in because our teenager does not mind but I see his point, if our teenager had an issue we wouldn't

But the room would not be allowed to be a health hazard

It's been months since I've been in my 18 year olds room. There's no lock on it, and she keeps the door closed because she doesn't want any of our four pets in there when she isn't. it's the top floor (converted loft). She's been changing her own bed and bringing laundry down and any other mess for years. I leave her clean laundry at the bottom of the stairs.
I see no reason to go in - we spend our evenings together but her room is her own space. I don't really like anyone in my room either, though I never shut the door
If she's home during the day she's two floors up so I'm not shouting up the stairs - we text if we have anything to say.

No of course it's not odd to go into your teenager's room, providing you knock, await a response and respect their space.

But your ds is ND, and he may require more parental involvement (organisation, waking, reminders and instructions about school or work or chores) and almost certainly some pleasant human interaction. He may find the interactions uncomfortable, but they are important, especially as he is ND.

Can you find a compromise? He comes out for a chat and food at 7pm, for example, or you go in with laundry and news at 5pm. You will knock at 7.30 to wake him, wait for a response and come in to say Good morning, to make sure he is awake.

In other words, planned social interactions at pre-agreed times.

My teens never used locks on their doors, their choice not ours. I go in to wake them on school mornings and bring in their breakfast. I open their windows once they are gone and will make their beds properly. I also bring in their clean laundry and leave it on their beds.

I do think there's a difference between just going in, knocking and going in and knocking and waiting.

I've done the last most of my children's lives. I can't imagine doing the first two.

If I hadn't gone into our teenagers rooms we would have soon run out of coffee cups and spoons. I once found a mouldy sausage roll under the bed.

He’s 18, he’s not a child so I feel you should respect his privacy and not go in. And I say that as someone who was always popping into my dds bedrooms, however I always knocked and waited for them to say come in. If they’d said they didn’t want me in their rooms I’d have respected that when they were older teenagers.

What has this got to do with anything? 😂

OP, what you are doing is completely normal.

I always knock on my dcs doors before I go in, just as I expect them to knock before they came in to mine but we all go into each other's rooms all the time, even the older teens.

We always knock and wait for a response before entering a bedroom (unless it’s a perceived emergency). All of us, and we’ve done it since pre-teen years.
DS hangs a DND sign on his door if he’s online and working, and that’s respected.
What you are doing is normal behaviour in a shared house with children, teens and in my case, young adults.

We only ever knock their doors to wake them now

Both often leave door open anyway

It is probably different for an ND child. But our house is open door. No locks anywhere. Everyone in everyone else's room. Different people live different lives, no one way is right or wrong.

😂 God, I love MN at moments such as this.

The absurdity of it all. If he truly craves privacy, he can rent his own place imo.

Yes, I appreciate the fact that being ND is a whole other ballgame (I have one as well) but for the sake of his mental health, I don't allow him to hole up in his room 24/7. I would not be cool with a constant locked door for fire safety reasons
I still go in and say goodnight, get him up when he inevitably ignores his alarm, pop in for a chat, etc, after a knock...

I wouldn’t have locks on a kid’s room. My parents rarely came into my room after 14/15 mum always knocked, not sure dad did but he probably only came once a year, they were always ‘allowed’ in. If I didn’t get up that was my own problem, worked for us.

It isn't weird, he doesn't like it, but he should remember that he's living in your house and not the other way around.

I would respect his privacy to a point.. no locks. Wouldn't badger him all the time though. Would go in freely and open the door, perhaps windows when he isn't around though. Would text goodnight or something. If you want to spend more time with him, ask him to join you participating in various activities sometimes...don't lurk around a lot by his room.

Also, you are hindering him and stopping him from becoming a more independent adult. You're hindering his growth. You're stunting him.

This walking on eggshells, and acting as maid, and time manager isn't helpful.

You've given him no motivation and drive to ever leave, or leave for long. He hasn't that goal. He is getting everything (just about) done by and from his parents.

He needs to learn scheduling and time management..waking himself up..
Life skills such as doing his own laundry, cleaning up after himself, looking after himself a bit more. Perhaps if he has income, charge him a fee for room and board or whatever. Give him rules to follow, let him know there will be consequences if he doesn't..etc...

Tell him that you aren't anyone else's parent, and you manage things the way you see fit... in your household. That he's lucky to be living there still, and have loving parents.

Take control over your house while being respectful and mindful. You can be considerate, but don't completely cower and sucker down to him.

I have an early 20s son still living at home and I tend to knock, wait a couple of seconds, then go in. He is often gaming and has noise cancelling headphones on so sometimes doesn’t hear the Google call to dinner, I might also want to ask him to walk the dog or do something else for me. He has never indicated that being in his room is an intrusion. Don’t do it in the mornings though 😁 DD has a bolt on her bedroom door purely because we had a family to stay a few years back and their younger daughter kept going into her room and waking her up. She has never used it since. I often sit on her bed and chat while she does hair/make up. I know all families are different but I think if you want a space that only you can be in then you need to sort that one out yourself.

I always knock, but it would be a hard 'no' to a lock from me.It is a family home, not student halls or an HMO!

There isn't a right or wrong really. There is perhaps a compromise to be had in terms of saying goodnight and telling him it's time to switch off devices and sleep? That could just as well be from outside.
The privacy thing is very tricky with ND DCs. Miner's a bit younger but a teen. Had I not gone in to the bedroom, there are various important things I wouldn't have found out about - think physically dangerous/indicative of a mental health crisis. DC wanted privacy and was very angry but it's my job to parent whether that is wanted or not. DC is also incredibly good at masking - as many very bright ND kids are because they have to really 'learn how to fit in'.
Now that we're past the crisis (I think) DCs been told I'll go in when it's empty, but only to clean and tidy (I've explained it's not about spying but about cleanliness - I don't want to find maggots in half-eaten sarnies! And DC is just not yet able to think ahead about that sort of thing! )

Once my DC went in their own rooms at 6/7 months I just left them to it. It’s important to respect their privacy and build their independence skills. Now, I make a formal request in writing if I want to enter my three year old’s room. If no written response within 24 hours I can threaten her with a court injunction, but as she knows I respect her privacy it rarely comes to that x