Am I Failing As a Parent

[CarolineK83]

I don’t know if anyone else is in this situation and can offer advice. My daughter recently turned 14. Im
a single mother for nearly 10 years now. I have had 90% care of my daughter for 6 years now with her only seeing her dad twice a year on school holidays as he lives hours away. Prior to that after we split up, he saw our daughter one weekend a month as he wasn’t as far away then. He left me and has had several partners. He speaks to our daughter couple times a month on FaceTime. He’s been with his current girlfriend not far off 18 months and they live together. Her two daughters are grown up but one lives at home still. It’s been hard over the years as he’s done next to nothing financially to help and child support has been a fight. It’s a constant battle on my income to support my daughter as I’m limited to the hours I can work. I have no family near by. Parents deceased and sister overseas.
My daughter is battling low esteem, anxiety, barely leaves the house, school refusal, melt downs, won’t play a sport or do any hobbies, no mixing with peers. She’s only got 2 friends and doesn’t see much of them. She overeats as her comfort. I offer her all sorts of activities to get her moving and try suggest fun things. She won’t budge. She’s just scraping by her work at school. They are being very patient with her but every morning is a battle. Half the time when she actually does go, she wants to come home early. She doesn’t even want to spend time with me one on one. We are on the public waiting list for a paediatric appointment as I want her assessed for possible adhd. She says she battles to focus at school. She refuses counselling. Nothing I suggest works. She half lives in her bedroom and so untidy. She isn’t even interested in youth group at church where the teens are all friendly and welcoming. I’ve just started her with a psychologist who might get a referral to psychiatrist for possible medicating her. I feel for her but it’s a huge stress and I worry about this so much and it also ties me down as I can’t really go anywhere or do anything as she won’t join but I can’t always leave her home alone. I haven’t dated because she’s taken all my focus and I do know kids come first and she would freak if there was a man in the picture.
Im really starting to wonder if I’m just failing and must give up and send her to her father even for a year as she doesn’t argue with him and he would have more success along with his girlfriend of getting her involved socially, get her out the house, make her go to school (she would have to start at a new school). Hopefully then her education will improve and her physical health plus her mental health if she’s made to go places and mingle. Someone commented to me that if I keep her with me, she will be ruined as she will continue going downhill and should be with her dad who has a partner to help and has more control over her. She doesn’t want to go to her dads and would think I don’t care about her - but I do care and that would be why I’d send her.
I am driving myself mad trying to decide what’s best for my daughter.

I think it would be a mistake to think of living with her dad as a silver bullet to whatever problems she might have. There's a lot of focus and attention on a new kid at school and if she isn't equipped to deal with that the anxiety doesn't just go away. If she can say to you she doesn't want to go to school, or go outside and meet her friends, she could just as easily say that to her dad.

I want to add here that I genuinely want what’s best for my daughter. It’s not me being a tired single mother that just wants time out. I’m just not sure the right choice to make

I think sending her to her fathers would be a massive mistake sorry. You have already confirmed that he doesn't pay unless forced and has little physically to do with her. Why would you inflict that on your daughter? Who is already struggling.

My sons are pretty much grown up and two have additional needs. My youngest I really beat myself up about. He sounded very much like your daughter and I did everything to encourage him. Eventually he came out of the other side though and I realise now I should have chilled out a bit. What made him 'happy' was being isolated, he didn't have many friends, he was overweight, loved the lockdown... but around 16 he started to interact a bit more.

I wonder if you need to change the status quo a bit and make it less 'her' focused. Go out. Why can't you? Tell her what your up to? Set up a profile and online date. Your daughter could just be a typical grumpy teenager and your whole focus is her. You are not having a life and she has a role that she is playing. Take the attention away. Why would she freak if a man is around and yet it's ok for her dad to have numerous partners. I agree children come first but there is a happy medium.

Ask the school to help focus with her attendance. Don't let her stay home unless she is unwell. Praise her and take an interest in the everyday.
Get healthy foods in. No more crap.
Say ' I am off for a walk/ swim/ cycle' and mean it. She will come eventually.
Accept the imperfections. It will take time.

Lastly and again. They do get there :) ds3 is at uni now. He spent some of Christmas Day in his room. It's a work in progress :)

And you aren't failing. It's hard. You are doing a good job on your own.

Thank you for the encouragement. I can’t get my daughter to school as she has huge panic attacks in the morning. I’ve ended up having to give in as I need to get to work but I take wifi away so there’s no rewards.
I do go out here and there but not as much as I would like. Her anxiety extends to me being out. Daytime is fine but if I go for dinner with girlfriends she’s asking mum when will you be home. I did start talking to a man 3 years ago who I really liked in the beginning. Unfortunately he made it clear from the beginning he’s got no interest in being involved with my daughter and said if it was just me it would be great and made negative comments about her. So that ended that and I’ve been reluctant to try again as with my daughters issues taking my time, I worry any man will just get fed up or even worse say something to upset my daughter.

I echo what @stomachamaleon said. You aren’t failing it’s just hard. I’ve hit a massive low point over Christmas with a difficult, ASC, teen. His difficulties are different to the ones you describe. He’s socially isolated but through over use of the internet to fill the gap absorbing rubbish messages and making poor choices.

@Fififizz I can't tell you enough and mean it that it gets better. If you saw my son five years ago.... he was your son. I promise it gets better. Sending a hug.

@CarolineK83 I mean this kindly. She cannot stay at home or you need to start making life uncomfortable at school so other options are put into place. Have you talked to the senco? What are they doing to help?

Get her up earlier. Give her a visual timetable the night before. This is what's going to happen tomorrow. Talk to her. She is missing out on so much and something will give... you need to start making more noise.

I know it's difficult with work (I was a teacher) and if I am honest I would sometimes give in but eventually I though... nope. Your going. Even if I have to take you. This was with outside support as well... camhs, he had a diagnosis and meds to help him sleep.

You can go out but just be clear about when you will be back. My son is 19 and still I have to say ' I will be home at 8' for example. I almost do it without thinking now... talk through the day so he knows. And stay in touch by text. Even now he likes me sat downstairs even if he interacts very little. It just makes me feel secure. But I do go out because it's important to my well being. Same for you.

That man was not the right man for you. No one should ask that of you and you come as a package. If you met someone you could wait however long you think before your daughter needs to be part of the equation. I waited a year.

Keep talking we are here :)

First of all go on Not Fine in School on Facebook, OP- there are thousands of very good parents in the same boat and lots of helpful advice. Secondary schools are not fit for purpose for so many children and they have got much worse in the last ten years.

Well I take internet away as that’s all she’s interested in so no school - no wifi. She says that makes her anxiety worse but I’m trying to explain to her that staying home makes anxiety worse. Because then she’s falling behind in school and has assignments to catch up on. She’s becoming more isolated from her peers. Getting no physical activity. I don’t know if it’s a bad idea but I want to tell her no internet until she gets outside doing something physical for half an hour.
school give her time out cards to have 5 minute breaks from each class. She has started recently seeing a psychologist at the hospital for youth mental health. Want her to see a psychiatrist for a trial at anxiety medication too. and maybe something to help her sleep as she struggles to fall asleep then is tired the next day and more anxious.
This is where I wonder if she’s better off with her father as he will have firmer boundaries and she won’t push them

@CarolineK83 I used to take the router in the car with me!
I get what your saying but I think you are on the right track with everyone involved. My son has melatonin to sleep and it really helped.
Could GP not prescribe anti anxiety meds?
Have you spoken to Senco at school? They maybe able to help their end.
What the pastoral support like at school?

@CarolineK83 she may not push the boundaries with her dad but she will then internalise them and it could make her worse. Do you feel like you need a break? Would that work? More access across the holidays?

@stomachamaleon
Thanks for that. It’s been spectacularly difficult this Christmas. We appear to have raised someone who doesn’t care about anyone other than himself. I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong although I feel the internet is to blame but it’s hard to control especially when it’s a major social outlet.

@CarolineK83
Would it be helpful/possible for you to send her to her Dad’s for a few days so you get a bit of space and respite?

@CarolineK83
You sound like a loving and caring mum and no you haven't failed at all!
Parenting teens is very hard and when they have mental health issues, it is a lot more worse.
Your DD sounds like a clone to mine. I honestly know what you are going through as I have the same, school avoidance, anxiety, emotional eating, absolute refusal to move out of the bed etc.
It is absolutely essential to get her some help. Its so hard when your DD doesn't want to engage in therapy.
Is there a way you can find out what it is about school that causes her anxiety?
We were referred to this website by one of the mental health nurses for DD and I found the anxiety page quite helpful.
It suggests to list down all things that cause anxiety and give a score.
You then work your way from the item that has the least score.
Anxiety Self Help | Get.gg - Getselfhelp.co.uk
The school can do a lot but you have to get them onboard.
They can do things like reduced timetables, giving her time off from lessons and sitting in a quiet room and working by herself, assigning a well-being teacher to check in with her daily etc.
My DD originally hated the school being involved, but this year she accepts help from teachers at school and they have kind of a routine/plan.
When things become too much, obviously she comes home and we are trying to slowly buy more time by encouraging her to stay one more hour before deciding to come home.
Would she work with you at home to catch up on missed school work?
Would she agree to reduced wifi time rather than no wifi time..some negotiation?
Maybe she is now more anxious as she has fallen behind?
My DD is on anti-depressants and the camhs team recommended promethazine for anxiety. But it knocks her out and so of no use to take in the morning before school.
I am planning to try rescue remedy drops to see if helps in any way.
It will get better. We must have hope. Feel free to post here if you want to vent anytime.
There is also a special thread on the Mental Health board for parenting anxious teens if you fancy joining
Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7) | Mumsnet

GP can’t prescribe medication as it needs a psychiatrist due to her being a minor. The school have counsellors but my daughter is refusing and they cannot force her into it. I feel like I’m hitting my head in a brick wall

A private paediatrician/specialist nurse practitioner can also prescribe - DD takes ADHD meds - Concerta - and anxiety meds - propanolol.

It makes me angry that parents who can't afford it will be left with little help though, and I've heard extremely mixed reports about CAMHS, that's if you can even get on a waiting list then wait months or years yo be seen.

Well we are on a waiting list for the paediatrician. Can’t afford to go private. The psychologist we seeing hasn’t yet got to stage of liaising with a psychiatrist for seeing my daughter and medicating. I hope pills won’t make her worse with side effects. This psychologist actually told me not to take my daughter’s phone away at night and yet I feel it’s partly a problem as it keeps her awake. But she says her anxiety will worsen without it so he’s siding with her saying let her have it

@CarolineK83 I am not saying he is wrong but you have to do what you think is right. I didn't allows screens overnight regardless of issues as they aren't conducive to a good sleep pattern. Also are you checking her phone regularly? If she only has two friends why does she need it all night?

I really feel for you, your post could have been me when I was a teen. I had undiagnosed ADHD and autism so I think that's where most of my school refusal came from.
Have you looked at removing her from school and getting her setup with home educating? Maybe having a tutor come once a week/tutor groups where you could go along with her?

If she's anything like me (and a lot of other teens I have seen go through similar) she will be feeling incredibly guilty about not just being able to do what is so easy for everyone else. It's hard to describe but I almost felt like there was a shutter come down in my brain when it came to school attendance, my brain wouldn't physically let me go. Or I would jump out of the car at traffic lights and run home. And I HATED myself for it but I was running on pure impulse. Taking away the internet as some posters have suggested will be essentially punishing her for something she cannot control.

@llamadrama16 Thank you for your insightful post. Did you manage to eventually engage with learning in a different way?

I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but they do come out the other side. School is very one tracked and does not work for every child. We really need a lot more alternative schools in the uk as for many children the environment and curriculum do not work. Just know that there are more avenues than getting exams, yes it’s the easiest way to get to what and where you want but I know of many teenagers that got through hardly any schooling and started college at level one and doing very well.
At around 17/18 they seem to come out of their shell a bit more and manage anxieties around expectations.

She sounds a little like my son who is diagnosed asd. We had severe school phobia so I did end up de registering and he joined home ed groups and as the classes were small (6 children) he coped , also lots of online classes but nothing compared to amount of work he’d have been expected to do at school (he never would have coped with it) he ended up doing a couple of exams a year early as he could just concentrate on those two. He’s built up a portfolio with his home ed tutor and next Sept he’ll start at a local college doing film at their level one entry (though he’ll probably get offered level 2 because of his portfolio ) but I think level one would be best as he is v v quiet and emotionally young for his age.

Just want to say that’s there’s many other avenues - not just the traditional school way.
In my opinion sending her to her dad’s who doesn’t understand her emotional well being in the same way you do could do more harm then good. It’s all well and good forcing things on a neurotypical teen who maybe just lazy but to do that do a teen who may have additional needs and can’t help how they feel will make it a whole lot worse.

@liverpoolgal82 this is just my opinion but if your son has a strong portfolio let him do the 2. Level one is very basic and he may be really bored really quickly. It will also have students on it who just have to do something at college. (We had a similar situation with art)

Her dad doesn’t believe in anxiety. He says it’s just laziness and manipulation to get out of school. He was in boarding school from age 6 so he doesn’t get it.
I considered home schooling but I can’t help as I work fulltime so I’m worrying she will go downhill academically. Additionally it won’t help her social skills as it’s not just school she’s avoiding, it’s all social interaction outside of school too

Can you control the time limits on phone with an app like family link?
Agree what is allowed time and when is bed time and lock it that way.

@CarolineK83 then maybe he needs to see for himself a bit more?

I guess what I’m trying to decide is IG my daughter going to her dads for a little bit would help because he has a partner and is firmer and there would be positives in that my daughter will get to school regularly and get outdoors and doing things because her dad will not give in and will make her,