Am I Failing As a Parent

[CarolineK83]

I don’t know if anyone else is in this situation and can offer advice. My daughter recently turned 14. Im
a single mother for nearly 10 years now. I have had 90% care of my daughter for 6 years now with her only seeing her dad twice a year on school holidays as he lives hours away. Prior to that after we split up, he saw our daughter one weekend a month as he wasn’t as far away then. He left me and has had several partners. He speaks to our daughter couple times a month on FaceTime. He’s been with his current girlfriend not far off 18 months and they live together. Her two daughters are grown up but one lives at home still. It’s been hard over the years as he’s done next to nothing financially to help and child support has been a fight. It’s a constant battle on my income to support my daughter as I’m limited to the hours I can work. I have no family near by. Parents deceased and sister overseas.
My daughter is battling low esteem, anxiety, barely leaves the house, school refusal, melt downs, won’t play a sport or do any hobbies, no mixing with peers. She’s only got 2 friends and doesn’t see much of them. She overeats as her comfort. I offer her all sorts of activities to get her moving and try suggest fun things. She won’t budge. She’s just scraping by her work at school. They are being very patient with her but every morning is a battle. Half the time when she actually does go, she wants to come home early. She doesn’t even want to spend time with me one on one. We are on the public waiting list for a paediatric appointment as I want her assessed for possible adhd. She says she battles to focus at school. She refuses counselling. Nothing I suggest works. She half lives in her bedroom and so untidy. She isn’t even interested in youth group at church where the teens are all friendly and welcoming. I’ve just started her with a psychologist who might get a referral to psychiatrist for possible medicating her. I feel for her but it’s a huge stress and I worry about this so much and it also ties me down as I can’t really go anywhere or do anything as she won’t join but I can’t always leave her home alone. I haven’t dated because she’s taken all my focus and I do know kids come first and she would freak if there was a man in the picture.
Im really starting to wonder if I’m just failing and must give up and send her to her father even for a year as she doesn’t argue with him and he would have more success along with his girlfriend of getting her involved socially, get her out the house, make her go to school (she would have to start at a new school). Hopefully then her education will improve and her physical health plus her mental health if she’s made to go places and mingle. Someone commented to me that if I keep her with me, she will be ruined as she will continue going downhill and should be with her dad who has a partner to help and has more control over her. She doesn’t want to go to her dads and would think I don’t care about her - but I do care and that would be why I’d send her.
I am driving myself mad trying to decide what’s best for my daughter.

@CarolineK83 why can't you do all those things. Why does it take a man who hardly bothers with her to step up. She will feel rejected by you certainly and what if she doesn't play ball? You just going to move her back again?

I do not want her to be unsettled and feel rejected or any of those things you mentioned. I am taking steps to try help her as mentioned in my previous comments. Sometimes I just wonder if it would be in her best interests which is therefore why I posted this thread

@CarolineK83 I am not getting at you and I understand what it's like to be that parent when you feel helpless but you are her constant.
By all means ask for more support from him. Involve him more regularly in day to day and holidays. He isn't doing enough.
Sending her to a man who doesn't believe in anxiety and will give her a metaphorical kick up the arse is not going to be the wonder treatment you think it is.
You need to push more yourself. At school. At the doctors. With her.
That's just my advice. It's not easy I know. She will get there though.

You are not failing, it sounds like you are doing really well in difficult circumstances.

dont move her to her Dads but could she go for there for a wee hol now to give you a break and a reset as you sound at the end of your tether. I think a longer term move wouldnt be good when she is struggling in so many areas and home is her sanctuary.

my girl is ASD and ADHD, but she does go to school (y11 now so end in sight) meds have helped (not magic bullet but def take the edge off the anxiety and inattention) so keep pushing, you will get there and one day your daughter will remember all you did for her.

Try to have some nice moments together too, she sounds v lonely and you are her main friend but I know that’s v hard and that’s why you need a break.

Op dont send your anxious and possibly neurodiverse child into a stricter environment it wont help
.have you considered she may be autistic? My daughter is autistic and a school refuser so you have my sympathy

You absolutely have to put your own needs in the mix. You can go out. Tell her where...practise with smaller steps

She needs you to be calm and have sone happiness in your own life or she will not have you to lean on

I could have written this about myself. 1 teen daughter on my own and school refusal and anxiety. It's a lonely stressful place to be. You are doing an amazing job, it's tough on your own but you have been her consistency and stuck it out unlike her father.
What turned it around for me was my daughter getting an ASD diagnosis. It didn't make it all better overnight but it made me understand that she thinks differently to me and I had to rethink how I parent to support her. Also that education is one size fits all and she may have missed months of school but the damage to both of us trying to get her there was not worth it.
Essentially I started working and focusing on our mental health and nothing else and slowly it got easier.
Sending hugs and keep pushing for a diagnosis and take any support you can get from agencies or GP etc x

Thank you for your response. it takes a village to raise a child. I think I’ve let the comments of that one and only man I started dating affect me. In a short space of time he said my daughter is awful and it’s due to my poor parenting. He was pushing me to send her to her fathers saying if I don’t, she will amount to nothing because I’m an atrocious parent.
My daughter is close to me. Only since becoming a teenager has she detached as she used to be all over me and super clingy and affectionate. This guy would visit me and she would come in and out and give me hugs and kisses which annoyed him. So he stopped coming over and said I must come to his house alone. No daughter. I managed to do this if she was at a friends house because it wasn’t fair leaving her home alone. She felt left out and resented the guy which made him further anti her.
It has still stuck in my head though that my daughter’s issues are a result of my parenting. In my head I think I’m doing the best I can and the teenage years are always tricky. But - maybe I actually am the problem

OP I have no advice (but following as I have a teenager myself), but I just wanted to say that you are not failing, you're doing your absolute best and trying everything you can. Unfortunately, sometimes an approach doesn't work and we have to keep trying. Sending you hugs and encouragement x

Hi op - I suggest you find a network of support of parents who have similar issues. My 9 year old is a school refuser and the only people who udnerstand are those in a similar situation - I want to say well done to you for not letting her sit online all day - I know it's a very common response with school refusing kids but I absolutely don't think it's in children's best interests (and I know absolutely how hard it is to have them at home with anxiety and want to let them unwind etc online/ with movies with games - I have this battle with my own child)

There are two facebook forums I use - one is the autistic girls network - I would really consider if your child might be neurodiverse - maybe autism if she struggles so much socially. Could her dad be neurodiverse if he is so lacking in nuance in how he understands her needs? and if he cut off you and her emotionally?

It's genetic, so look at relatives etc

There will be groups for parents of school refusers where you live.

If you want, DM me and Ill help you find similar groups to the ones I use locally to me.

@CarolineK83 that was very much a Him problem you are a good parent. That sounds like a man jealous of a child and your relationship. Please don't let his mind games jeopardise moving forward with your daughter.

Don't send your daughter back to what broke her.
Force does not work,
Removing electronic devices does not work.
Shaming and punishing her for having a MH issue will not work
Do not whatever you do take advice from anyone who hasn't had a child refuse school.
If any of the above worked there wouldnt be a world wide epidemic of school refusal.
There wouldn't be hundreds of thousands of parents in the UK alone at their wits end, and literally on the verge of a breakdown themselves because of the stress of having a child out of school.
Even the so called professionals are at a loss how to treat this, the success rate is really low.
The best way to deal with it is with understanding and empathy. Most parents feel under an enormous amount of pressure to be seen to doing something to fix it, and because of the lack of understanding they usually try to implement coping mechanisms that not only don't work but make matters worse. Force being the main one.
The best solution for dealing with school refusal in my opinion is not changing childs behaviour patterns, but by changing the way we respond to dealing with a child with school refusal, and it means going against the conventional beliefs we have been taught to believe work in our best interest. If you were a gardener and you planted a plant in the wrong environment and it wasn't thriving, you would simply move the plant, not demand that a plant that should naturally thrive in full sun, thrive in deep shade. It is our false belief that one box ticks all in and any other kind of education is less than a school education. Taking a child out of school does not mean you or your child has failed. It means you are willing to change your perspective and try something new.