Girl/boyfriend staying the night (16-18)

[AWholeNewTeenWorld]

What are your rules regarding teen relationships and more specifically staying over?

The facts are, over the age of consent and healthy relationship.

Blanket ban, specific circumstances or regular occurance?

I haven't faced an unexpected guest situation at all. If a regular boyfriend/girlfriend, I've allowed once a week, on a weekend night so not affecting college/uni, which isn't very generous but enough so they can still have some time together without intruding too much on the rest of us. Boyfriend/girlfriend welcome to come over though anytime to visit, just go home if it's a weeknight.

I'd only offer that though if they are in a sexual relationship, I'd hate for anyone to feel pressured into this.

Embarrassing talk about contraception, indeed several, vital and facilitating getting contraception as well.

DS's gf stayed over here quite often last year when she was 17/18 and he was 18/19 (she was year 13 and he was having a gap year). Think it was mostly at weekends as she was at school on the other side of the city so would have been a pain for her to get to school in time. They were in an established relationship by then and we’d met here so didn’t have any problem with it. They’re both at the same university now so can sleep with each other whenever they want 😃

Blanket no. I don’t have boyfriend / girlfriend sleep overs before they go to university. It’s non negotiable, They can have sex, they can have sex in my house but if they live close enough there’s no reason for them not to go home. They’re still children and don’t need to be playing adults

Thanks both, we have navigated the awkward talks , and I agree I wouldn't want to allow it before the relationship had progresses.

I've been talking about allowing it irl and people seem horrified.

@AWholeNewTeenWorld a lot of people appear to have forgotten what they were up to at that age.

I try to keep it non-moralizing and factual and sensible. I'm not into shaming people or encouraging sexual activity if it's not appropriate either. Just talk like normal humans about it. My children do find those conversations embarrassing though, but if you want to behave in a more adult way,you have to take responsibility for what you are up to- I don't want any teen pregnancies on my watch (two girls we know of through friends of friends have just got pregnant who are 17 and that's way too young for me).

Eldest was a bit late starter so had first serious boyfriend at 21. So he stopped over after a few months of dating.

Youngest was 19 when she first had someone stop. They had been together around a month. She had had a couple of boyfriends around 16/17 but never asked for them to stop (we probably would have said no) she did stop at one boyfriends when she was 17 a couple of times.

I'd say has to be a exclusive relationship, we have to have met them and over 18.

My parents were very liberal with us in 80s and 90s. Both DSis and I were allowed to to stay at boyfriends houses and vice versa, once we'd had conversation about contraception. They trusted us and we were sensible. DH and i will be the same with our DC, on condition the other parents agree. They're of age and teenagers will find somewhere to have sex if they want to do it. I'd rather they were safe at home.

DD is 18 and has a boyfriend who’s nearly 18, they’ve been together a couple of years. He stays over once a week or so. He first stayed over when she was nearly 18 and him a few months younger. His parents don’t object and we don’t have a problem with it. It’s a healthy relationship. They’re in love. They’re respectful of our home. They’re practising safe sex. I can’t really object to any of that. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not faced this as a parent but once I was in sixth form I was allowed to stay overnight with my boyfriend and vice versa. It wasn't explicitly stipulated that my parents had to have met him but I think we would all have found it pretty awkward otherwise so I wouldn't have not introduced them. No one sat us down or made a big deal of it - probably because we were both fairly sensible teens who'd earned our parents' trust. I guess a firmer approach may be needed for wilder teens.

I think our parents handled it well, it was awkward at times but I mostly have fond memories of that time.

Curious what you mean about "until the relationship has progressed"? My boyfriend and I weren't having sex when we started spending overnights but it gradually progressed to that - we were both ready though and it would have happened whether parents had "facilitated" it or not.

I think the danger of allowing it too frequently is that it becomes a pseudo living-together relationship, and that can lead to undue pressure, resulting in it being more difficult for one or other party to break it off if they want to. It’s too adult an arrangement for teens at that age, and can push them into something more serious than they are emotionally equipped for.

I do understand your view, and I am mindful of playing adults, but logistics are difficult and currently it feels the getting home is less safe than staying over (had a very scary experience at Birmingham New Street last weekend which has led to this discussion)

Oc, pregnancy is a worry, but we have had the conversation, to cover all aspects including when it doesn't all go to plan.

But I don't want to facilitate a living together situation either.

Once an established relationship then yes once a week. Contraceptive talk and all that.

This, blanket no to staying over.

I also want family privacy, and to relax, it ends up being too often if you allow it too.

I wish to protect my teens. They
will inevitably break up, and it will have all been too family familiar and full-on, for them and us.

If the are in their mid twenties and saving for a home together and are serious, possibly I would allow it, this might/will be a family member hopefully.

Curious what you mean about "until the relationship has progressed"?

I did mean until it was sexual, only because I didn't want either to feel pressured by sharing a bed, but it is interesting to hear your thoughts on it as being allowed before you had sex.

@AlwaysForksAndMarbles I do feel that I need to keep it separate, I have a very good friend that ultimately ended up trapped due to the living situation, I do not want it to become like that. Which is why I feel I need to get it sorted in my head before I agree anything (and why I love having others to discuss it with)

What if they start staying over at their gf/bf?

(Again not against your viewpoint just trying to get my thoughts together)

My teens are over the age of consent. Imo relationships are over rated and there is nothing wrong with being a single person who has consensual sex now and again. So I have no rule about how long/serious a relationship has to be. As long as I know who is in my house they are welcome any time of day or night. One of my DC is bi anyway so girls and boys come for ‘sleepovers’ regardless.

They will inevitably break up, and it will have all been too family familiar and full-on, for them and us

I agree with this and see it a lot on here, people who have become so attached to the girlfriend or boyfriend they are grieving when they separate. I don't want that to happen to mine, and so I don't over-invest in the partner, even if I think they are nice, because my loyalty and protectiveness is to my child and not to this other person. That said, I don't think staying over once a week messes with that, I don't do a family games night that night and show them photos or anything but it's nice to be friendly and welcoming whilst still keeping your boundaries.

I can stop a teen under 18 staying at the other house, but over 18 then they can do so as long as the home is a safe one. If over 18 and I did not like the bf/gf or the family or some other major thing, then I would kick up a fuss. Ultimately the other household can host them, I just do not want to. Also for me under 18 is too young for me to condone sex, I will not encourage it by letting it happen in my house. Yes, I know it might anyway, but they know my principals and they do not dictate to me on this or anything else, that’s the role of a parent.

No sleeping over until they've been together 6 months/are over 18. But with the allowance that if they're going to be having sex before 6 months/18 and my child would be safer having sex in their own home, then it can be during a sleepover, as long as it's safe. Safe sex including consent is going to be a very open subject in our house. I'd rather my kid have safe and consensual sex than sneaky unsafe sex.

I would just be very wary of it becoming a 'live in relationship' by stealth .. just had an evening out with a friend who is in despair as her DD and BF are just assuming they can live with mum .. she (mum) is really fed up with the situation but the DD has had health issues so uses that to make her mum feel guilty ... I am just grateful that my DS has reached his early 20s without ever having asked if he can have a GF sleep over.

I allowed it when my oldest dd was 17 - lower sixth. She had a boyfriend from her year at school, it was serious - although just a few months in. She spoke to me before they had sex, and we had the conversation about contraception - she was very sensible. But the actual sleeping was kind of forced on me because his parents let them stay there, without even speaking to me, which I was very pissed off about. And she strongly implied they would just stay there more if I didn't let them stay at mine.

So they stayed and she carried on seeing him throughout sixth form - eventually breaking up when they both went to different universities. It wasn't very frequently as she took her work very seriously and studied quite a lot. She got a new boyfriend at university and he stayed over - again not hugely frequently but I was ok with it. She cleared it with me before it happened.

It came up with my next daughter down when she was at university - just a few weeks off being 20, but started seeing someone at home. She didn't ask me first and I was pissed off with her as I don't really want to bump into strange (young) men in the morning, and I also have younger children at home.

I don't agree with the point a PP made about it being harder when they break up - I didn't feel emotional when dd1 broke up wtih her boyfriends even though I knew them pretty well. It was fine.

Didn't have to deal with this pre 18 as DS didn't have a girlfriend then (or not of my knowledge!). He met his current girlfriend at 19 and he started staying at hers quite quickly, then at ours after about 6 weeks - mainly due to him driving and her not, so easier for him to stay at hers (she lives 15 miles away)

I'm not sure what my feelings would be pre 18. I think I'd feel as long as they were over the legal age, and the girls mum feels comfortable, then I'd be ok with it - not really comfortable but ok?

My parents were really tricky, I couldn't even have my boyfriend of two years sleep in my bed, even though we were 21/22, living together and I was pregnant! With earlier boyfriends we would sneak away to cheap B&Bs for the night . I always swore I wouldn't make my children feel like that was the only choice

I think I'm a bit lax compared to most on here. Both DD's had bf staying from 16. It only happened at weekends in term time because they were always at different schools. But I wouldn't allow strangers or random ONS's whatever age they were.
I always knew them by the time they stayed and usually knew of the parents via mutual connections.
I was very direct and frank in my discussions of sex with DD's.

No set rules, they are sensible though and both are in different colleges in different parts of the city so they don't stay overnight on weekdays, but thats their choice.