Girl/boyfriend staying the night (16-18)

[AWholeNewTeenWorld]

What are your rules regarding teen relationships and more specifically staying over?

The facts are, over the age of consent and healthy relationship.

Blanket ban, specific circumstances or regular occurance?

Absolutely not- it turns it into a very adult relationship

I’ll know they’ll have sex. They can be at it when I’m out and they can shag in the spare room at parties- I remember what it’s like.

but overnight sleepovers like adults? Completely unnecessary to allow them to play house. It changes the dynamics of the relationship, making it higher stakes than it needs to be so it ends.

it’s very little to do with the shagging.

Sex is a personal choice and not my decision. Teenagers will have sex. My job as a parent is to make sure my teen is well prepared with birth control, sti protection, and many discussions about consent and emotional readiness.

Overnights in my home are more like playing house and speed up intimacy in a relationship that should not be serious at 16 or 17. These are relationships that could easily derail a bright future if teenagers start making life decisions based upon teenage hormones. Pretending the relationship is an adult relationship worthy of staying overnight with full household privileges gives it too much weight.

our child will not be living in our home during university. That is when overnights will happen.

The trouble I know we'll have is that they live an hour apart. I know my dd will ask soon about him staying over as we're rural and no public transport.

Makes everything more tricky. It's an early relationship so we'll see what happens

These are sixth formers we are talking about ? I knew plenty of people who lived together at 17 or 18. Why should they have to sneak about ? It's sex, it's a normal part of a relationship at that age. Sleeping over on a Saturday night isn't the same as living together.

Both 16. After discussions with other mum (her single mum, me widow so no father involved) we allowed it but not week nights. It was partly over lockdown so that was the bubble and he stayed there a whole week a couple times (summer). It was a lovely relationship (until it wasn't) but I'm still friendly with her mum and we both agree it was a good 'first love' experience with if one can judge it while not actually being in it!

I remember my sister asking if her boyfriend could stay when they were 16. He didn’t live in the same city as us. Mum agreed and took my sister aside to discuss safe sex and gave her condoms. My sister looked at her in horror, and said, Gross! Just because he’s my boyfriend, doesn’t mean I’m shagging him! 😂😂

Thanks for your view @Ponderingwindow it makes a lot of sense.

I have known of young adults trapped by such situations and I agree that it should be a relationship for an U18, which by nature is often transient.

I think it depends on your personal beliefs and values, how it works for your household, the relationships between everyone, and many other factors. I can understand this young man not wanting to go home after a scary incident. Your home, your rules though. If he doesn't feel safe, he could go home earlier. Or your DD could decide the rules in his house are more to her liking and stay there instead.

I moved in with my boyfriend at 17 and, in the months before that, it was the rules in the different households that decided where I stayed. At 17 I was probably at his home about 90% of the nights because we had more autonomy there.

This is our problem, lift needed to train station and then a reasonable train journey and other parent required to collect from train.

If they were in our village I think I'd hold off a little longer.

Would a compromise position be that he can stay but he needs to sleep on the sofa?

I seriously don’t see the issue. I had my boyfriend stay over from the age of 16. It didn’t cause any issues.

Probably wouldn't be comfortable about casual stays, especially if there ware younger siblings but thankfully that's not in DD's nature and we have no other DC to worry about.
The first time DD's BF stayed over was the first time we'd met him - he was snowed in and couldn't leave! It was early in the relationship, and we trusted them not to sleep together, which they didn't (this followed a few weeks later - then aged 16 and 18). DH and the BF's parents were much more worried about sleepovers but (since it's a healthy, responsible relationship between two lovely loving YA) none could provide a reason other than not liking the idea of their children growing up. For those concerned about hastening an adult relationship - DD has specifically said that one of the parts of the relationship she enjoys most, and thinks about for the future, is doing boring adult things like cooking together, and just having quiet time doing nothing in particular. Doesn't this help them to become more responsible and respectful?

Well the time has come. She's asked if she can stay at his on Saturday as they are going out for the evening. Haven't made a decision yet

If it helps I've also decided.

I'm going to allow it in the Christmas holidays but with provisos. Mainly that they can't assume and I expect to be asked- for now anyway- and that it is weekends as school still matters for both of them (at different schools)

That sounds sensible

I had a conversation with my daughter this morning and said it sounded very grown up and I didn't want her to be pressured into something by circumstances. The boyfriend has given me his mum's number which I suppose is a good sign.

I'll give her a ring and then make a decision!

Good luck, I hope the call goes well. It does sound positive that he is willing to give his mum's number but I agree with the pressure comment.
Also the idea that even if they are sexually active staying over doesn't mean they have to do it again , oh bring back toddler tantrums and tears.

Recently 16 year old SS has first love and we have let her stay twice. Both other homes let them stay several times and essentially travel as a couple most of the time.
I am really against this not because of sex I just think it's unhealthy that young!

He's pushing for more time when he's with us so o don't know how it will go long term...

I've just had this recently. DS18 has spent a lot of time recently at a girl's house (and overnight) but when I asked if they were seeing each other he denied it. Not a GF. Definitely.

Then he asked if she could stop the night here, in his room and presumably sharing the (only) bed in there. My answer was 'No'.

I'm not comfortable with randomers staying. Once they are in a committed relationship, yes that's fine. But not casual shags. I don't want to have to be polite over the breakfast table/banging on the bathroom door to people I don't know.

@AWholeNewTeenWorld call went well. Mum was lovely and totally understood my concerns and also my realism. I just don't want my daughter feeling forced into doing something due to circumstances.

Feeling happier about the situation now.