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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Girl/boyfriend staying the night (16-18)

69 replies

AWholeNewTeenWorld · 24/11/2023 22:13

What are your rules regarding teen relationships and more specifically staying over?

The facts are, over the age of consent and healthy relationship.

Blanket ban, specific circumstances or regular occurance?

OP posts:
fourelementary · 24/11/2023 23:34

My ex FIL refused to let us sleep together before marriage- even when I was pregnant! 🤣 So not allowing it to go on with permission certainly doesn’t prevent it happening… no blanket rules in our house, just discuss the options and take it from there…

HamBone · 24/11/2023 23:36

Personally, I don’t have a problem with it once they’re legal but irl her bfs’ parents wouldn’t allow it, so it’s never been an option for DD (18). I only know a couple of parents who allowed teenage partners to stay over. I think it’s mainly fear of pregnancy, tbh, worrying that they won’t use contraception correctly.

Now she’s at university, she does what she likes anyway.

Original poster
AWholeNewTeenWorld · 25/11/2023 07:31

That's what I'm trying to get my head around. Is it fear of pregnancy?

If it is, it seems daft because it isn't sharing a bed overnight that causes it.

@HamBone her bf parents won't allow it at 18 in your house? Now that seems extreme.

OP posts:
incognito50me · 25/11/2023 08:22

HamBone · 24/11/2023 23:36

Personally, I don’t have a problem with it once they’re legal but irl her bfs’ parents wouldn’t allow it, so it’s never been an option for DD (18). I only know a couple of parents who allowed teenage partners to stay over. I think it’s mainly fear of pregnancy, tbh, worrying that they won’t use contraception correctly.

Now she’s at university, she does what she likes anyway.

I am similar - I would not have a problem if we'd met the boy, they are in an established respectful relationship (~3 months), I was sure my child was comfortable with it, and it was no more than once every two weeks or so. However, my DD's BF's parents have not allowed it yet, so we don't allow it either (it has led to some complications, but I think it makes sense for both houses to have consistent rules).

Original poster
AWholeNewTeenWorld · 25/11/2023 08:32

@incognito50me how old is dd bf?

3 months also seems about right to me, whilst I do agree with @CrapBucket that consensual time with another adult shouldn't be time limited, I'm not ready to have people I haven't met staying over.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/11/2023 08:36

Not until 18 is my rule.

incognito50me · 25/11/2023 08:40

@AWholeNewTeenWorld , both DD and BF are 15, together almost a year.
I am not in the UK and most young couples have regular sleepovers here, whether or not they are sexually active, so DD and BF feel hard done by.

If they were both 18+ and his parents did not allow sleepovers in their home, I don't know what we'd decide.

Pumppppkin · 25/11/2023 08:47

My mum (single parent) was really strict about this but it didn't stop me having sex, just made me sneak around, feel weird and guilty, and spend more time with his family, who weren't as strict. I would allow it once over 16 and in an established relationship, I wouldn't want random people staying over. But at the end of the day teenagers are going to have sex and all you can influence is the venue/time of day (my sibling and I used to joke that our mum believed people could only possibly have sex in a bed, at night).

Those saying they will inevitably break up... That's not true. I'm still with the boyfriend I had at 17 (had kids and got married in our late 20s, now in our late 30s). I personally know of several other couples like us too.

Peepshowcreepshow · 25/11/2023 08:48

DD was nearly 17 and had been with her gf several months when the gf started staying over. DD is now 18 and gf stays regularly, they rarely stay at the gf's but that's more to do with her not being out to her parents. DD knows I wouldn't accept randoms coming home and I won't accept PDAs. I am single and I don't behave like that in our home so I expect her to have the same respect.
Would I have let DD have a sleepover if she was 16 and straight? No chance.

Ponderingwindow · 25/11/2023 08:54

Blanket ban. There is no need for overnights and the intimacy that provides at that age. Practicalities of transportation can be solved with parental assistance.

Original poster
AWholeNewTeenWorld · 25/11/2023 09:06

Would I have let DD have a sleepover if she was 16 and straight? No chance

Why not? your DD is just as able to get hurt with a lesbian relationship? And pregnancy can happen during the day.

@Peepshowcreepshow not being critical, it's just you can't ask such questions irl.

Edited as @ wrong person

OP posts:
Original poster
AWholeNewTeenWorld · 25/11/2023 09:09

Ponderingwindow · 25/11/2023 08:54

Blanket ban. There is no need for overnights and the intimacy that provides at that age. Practicalities of transportation can be solved with parental assistance.

As in sex, or being together overnight? When would you allow it?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/11/2023 09:10

I wouldn't mind as long as they weren't noisy shagging

Loopytiles · 25/11/2023 10:42

Pregnancy is obviously a concern with a heterosexual relationships but not the only concern. My position for my DC currently in a same sex relationship is the same as it would be were they straight.

SamphireAndSeaGlass · 25/11/2023 14:14

AWholeNewTeenWorld · 24/11/2023 22:25

Thanks both, we have navigated the awkward talks , and I agree I wouldn't want to allow it before the relationship had progresses.

I've been talking about allowing it irl and people seem horrified.

At least you know where they are OP
They're going to do it anyway.
Urrgg I'm not ready for this though, thankfully have a couple of years to go I think 🤞.

Original poster
AWholeNewTeenWorld · 25/11/2023 15:03

Agree @Loopytiles I have younger children so feel I need to be fair and that there is more than pregnancy to worry about.

@SamphireAndSeaGlass it sneaks up, I don't feel ready either!

OP posts:
ZZGirl · 25/11/2023 15:20

Once my DH and I were both over the age of 16 we had sleepovers. By the time we were 17, we took it in turns most weekends to stay at each others house

HamBone · 25/11/2023 15:32

@AWholeNewTeenWorld I think it’s because we all know people who had unplanned teenage pregnancies, I know a few!

I agree that it’s not logical, especially because they do what they like at uni, but that’s the way it is. She’s not dating that boy now anyway, I think she’s playing the field like her Mum did at uni. 😂

Sidge · 25/11/2023 15:33

My youngest is 17. She has a boyfriend a few months younger than her, both in sixth form.

He has stayed twice. Once when I was away, she asked permission, I said yes as long as his parents knew we’d be away and didn’t mind. We’d already had the sex and contraception chats long before. He has stayed once when I was here. I laid out my ground rules - no wandering around semi naked, no drink or drugs, I didn’t want to hear them having sex.

They’re good kids, sensible and safe and respectful. That’s all I ask.

Stargazer46 · 25/11/2023 15:37

My son is 18 and his GF stays here most Friday and Saturday nights. The combination of distance / work / college mean they can’t see each other during the week and want to spend all weekend together so her staying over makes sense. I have a very open relationship with my son so we’ve talked about sex, relationships, boundaries, contraception etc. I don’t have any issues with her staying here and he has stayed at hers (she lives with her parents) occasionally.

Original poster
AWholeNewTeenWorld · 25/11/2023 19:03

@Sidge see this is why I asked. I haven't had the walking around semi naked talk yet. But agree this is a ground rule I want before I agree, I feel more prepared to deal with it now.

@HamBone so did I... and I am mindful that I don't want to be hypocritical.

I had an unplanned pregnancy in my 40's , so I have been very honest with them and hope that they are as careful as possible.

OP posts:
Sidge · 25/11/2023 19:18

@AWholeNewTeenWorld those firsts are hard. I know. But for me it was one of those weird and difficult conversations that had to be had!

I was quite blunt but open. Basically ok you’re welcome to sleep over but these are the conditions…

Ascubudr · 25/11/2023 19:19

After GCSEs steady boyfriend / girl friends can stay over weekends and holidays. Why would you disallow it ? There are all above the age of consent.

CornishGem1975 · 25/11/2023 19:21

I'm fine with 17 year old DD having her boyfriend over. They've been dating for 18 months.

Original poster
AWholeNewTeenWorld · 25/11/2023 19:46

Ascubudr · 25/11/2023 19:19

After GCSEs steady boyfriend / girl friends can stay over weekends and holidays. Why would you disallow it ? There are all above the age of consent.

The reaction from my friends has made me question my views, and hence this post. It does seem daft to know they are having sex but not allow them to stay over- but I don't want them to progress to living together yet, and I've read lots of posts on here where it sort of happens by stealth.

DH and I have talked about it but he hasn't been here before either so it has been helpful to hear about what others do.

OP posts: