Am I I being a 'helicopter parent' re homework?

[pharmachameleon]

I was listening to a podcast earlier which was discussing different listening styles. During the podcast the presenter said you would be acting as a helicopter parent if you knew when your child's homework was due in, if you helped them study and if you ensured they had their PE kits each necessary day.
He went on to say the subconscious message you're giving your child is 'you are nothing without me.'
I realised I do all these things for my DS who has just turned 13. Am I over the top? He definitely wouldn't study as well for tests if I didn't help him prepare and test him on each topic but maybe I need to leave him to it more?
I give him lots of freedom and responsibility in other areas. Eg he would book the cinema or golf for himself and friends, they eat out on their own, he goes out to play for hours etc etc.
At what point does encouraging your child with homework become a helicopter parent? Would love to know what others do.

I get the homework app, so I can see what homework is due in when.

No idea about pe kits etc though.

He has an app for homework which I potentially can get access to but I just ask him.

My DDs used to say they had no homework or had done it at school / before I got home 😂
they both managed to get their qualifications and degrees and careers though

I have no idea about homework. I yell 'do you need PE kit?' as they walk out the door. That's about it.

If you were away from home for a week, could your child sort their homework without your input? If no, that might be too much helicoptering.

At 13 it's definitely time to take a step back. If he forgets his pe kit and gets a sanction, he won't do it again. I'll be honest, apart from a vague 'any homework tonight?' I have no idea what my child has to do, and when it's due in, but then she always gets it done and handed in on time so there's no need for me to be on it. Maybe if you have a child who procrastinates you might need to be a bit more on the ball with them. However, there does come a point where it's time for them to manage homework without parents intervention, and that's by year 9 or so in my opinion. Regarding exams, I do help with revision if they ask.

I only know if Ds1 13 hasn't done his homework as I get an email notification of detention. Last year in yr7 we spent some considerable time getting him in the habit of doing homework straight away and checking what's due when etc and it's paid dividends this year as he's much more independent getting on with it himself. He needed to be quite aggressively taught though.

As for pe, he empties it into the machine when he gets home and I just stick it back in his kitbag when it's dry so I guess I do help with that. Only because it makes more sense to though.

DD Yr 7. 1st half term I was on her for homework, PE kit etc however I have never actually overseen or helped with homework because then what's the point?
Halfway through 2nd half term and I no longer remind her about homework, I don't check her books but I do remind about games kit. Next term I won't remind her about games kit.
By end Yr 7 she needs to have fully made that transition to independence otherwise she will never cope with exams etc.

My parents had 4 teenagers in the house at one point. No way would they be able to keep track of everyone's homework and PE kits. We were responsible for our own shit and all managed to do quite well at school. If they forget homework and get a punishment from the teacher they'll learn from that consequences. If you constantly do the thinking for them they won't learn for themselves.

Once my DSS turned 16 we wouldn't even wake him if he slept in for school. He'd wake up in a panic and go into school late. My DH explained that he's an adult and when he gets a job it'll be his responsibility to get there on time, no one else's. Except the consequences will be more serious, he could lose pay or get sacked. Hopefully it's prepared him for the real world.

When growing up I was left to it. I got detention if I didn't do the homework. Parents took privileges away if grades fell off a cliff or I got a det. Constantly hounding kids is not productive, they need to learn to take responsibility so they do it as adults. Shows respect also if you trust them.
I'd suggest a chat and gradual move away from micro management, must drive the kids nuts!

Also grades are not the be all and end all. The capacity to be responsible, driven to not give up if you get a set back, and doing your best are what matter.
I'm a B grader but now earn over 135k. You don't need to be a genius to succeed, but to be grounded and rounded.

I took a step back when they started secondary, but make it clear that I am 100% AVAILABLE and they do use both of us for testing them etc. and will ask us to help or even just sit at the table too for company.

DC1 has form for being a bit vague, and I assumed that full on helicoptering would be absolutely necessary in secondary, and was pleasantly surprised to discover that the school fully encourages indepence and self discipline, which has... worked? Worked incredibly well, in fact. I never have to nag or remind, so I don't.

Leave them to it but be available for support and check in maybe on a Sunday morning when there's the whole day ahead of them re. any homework or tests coming up.

Thanks everyone. I'll slowly start to leave some of the responsibility to him.
With his PE kit-he gets PE every Tuesday and Thursday so I just say each Monday and Wed night 'Have you packed your PE kit?' He packs all his PE bags and school bag etc himself.

Oh and I don't help him with his homework unless he's really stuck at something. The only help i usually give him is to revise for tests as I don't think he knows how to properly revise yet.

I dont agree there is no point to homework if you help them

I have adhd and was so disorganized growinf up...i know how many kids need support

My son doing his maths homework while his dad supports him is still my son doing extra maths work...drilling on the topic etx

Tbh a lot of homework is a pointless waste of time and id rather help them.. see it as quality time and they can get it done quicker so less stress all round

And op i love hearing of kids who play out for hours...the best sort of independence

I’d be inclined to trust your instincts. Different dc need different things. There isn’t a one size fits all approach except when experts are flogging their latest book.

It sounds like you’re supporting his growing independence well.

My son’s school used a system which emailed me about when his homework was due in even in 6th form. It was pretty stressful. I did used to vaguely enquire whether he wanted anything proofread and sometimes he did. He still got his A levels and seems to be coping at Uni. I don’t think it hurts to keep a vague eye on it and offer prompts about whether it’s been done.

I'm on top of PE kit in the sense I know it needs to be clean and dry on a Monday morning... as does uniform. I know her PE days. I know she has Food on a Tuesday, so will ask for her ingredients list before then.

Homework... technically I could look at all of it as she has her school email on my phone but I don't actually look.

I answer any homework queries to the best of my ability. So she knows Maths and science shes likely to get the correct answer but French no idea!

Her sister joins her next year. She is chaos personified so might need more help!

By 13 I think you have to start leaving them to it to work out the natural consequences. If he doesn't do his homework he gets a detention or fails his test, if he forgets his PE kit he doesn't do PE 🤷‍♀️

They soon work it out.

You know your kids best and know what kind of support they need/ thrive with. If your 13yo didn't do anything independently, didn't take any responsibility for anything and couldn't think for himself then I'd look into why and what to change, but it doesn't sound to be the case. Don't let someone on a podcast make you feel like you're failing or doing something wrong with your parenting. There isn't one size fits all. I used to, and still do, thrive with a lot of support and encouragement from the ppl in my life, while my sister loves doing her own thing her own any without anyone's opinions. We are both leading very happy, fulfilling and independent lives, with our different needs and temperaments.

I let both my dc (now 15 & 18) manage their own homework from day 1 of secondary school. I never knew/know what day any of it was due. I'm a teacher, if that's relevant. They need to learn to do things themselves.

Dd has just started Y7, whilst I ask if she has anything due in I don’t get involved beyond that.

Kit however I do help with, she plays sports 5/6 days a week and plays multiple instruments. She’s completely scatty and easily distracted. It’s far too much for a just turned 12 year old with poor working memory and poor executive functioning to manage. I will continue to support her for as long as she needs it.

Eldest has severe inattentive adhd and gets lots of support from me with both organisation and homework. It’s a miracle he’s still attending school. Youngest had just started secondary and is already basically self sufficient.

Depends on the child, doesn’t it?

Supported my DC in Year 7 by term 3 started backing off and let them get on with it. They knew my expectations and that there would be consequences if grades dropped. Few detentions here and there. In the main they were pretty good. I was more attentive during GCSE years, as there are some GCSEs that you only get one shot at but as they had built up good study habits, it was more supporting them, watching out on how they were coping with the relentless of Year 11 - 13.

I am the opposite of a helicopter parent. I did lots and lots of play,.learning games and reading with them but left them almost entirely on their own to remember and complete their homework from yr1. They missed out in golden time a couple of times and have pretty consistently done it since. We always expected them to do it and do it well. Always offered to help them and explained stuff (not anymore with the eldest as A level maths is completely beyond me). They all have done well. They possibly could have got a couple more points on GCSEs but got mainly 6 /7 pluses. They also are learning to self manage, get themselves up, packed and learn the consequences of being late etc.

Not at all. Everyone has different opinions on parenting and just because someone on a podcast says something is wrong doesn't mean it actually is. You sound like a very caring parent and that's the most important thing.