Am I I being a 'helicopter parent' re homework?

[pharmachameleon]

I was listening to a podcast earlier which was discussing different listening styles. During the podcast the presenter said you would be acting as a helicopter parent if you knew when your child's homework was due in, if you helped them study and if you ensured they had their PE kits each necessary day.
He went on to say the subconscious message you're giving your child is 'you are nothing without me.'
I realised I do all these things for my DS who has just turned 13. Am I over the top? He definitely wouldn't study as well for tests if I didn't help him prepare and test him on each topic but maybe I need to leave him to it more?
I give him lots of freedom and responsibility in other areas. Eg he would book the cinema or golf for himself and friends, they eat out on their own, he goes out to play for hours etc etc.
At what point does encouraging your child with homework become a helicopter parent? Would love to know what others do.

DS has additional needs (16) so still needs guidance with homework. He will sometimes ask if one of us is free to help sit with him. We don't mind. I helped draw up a revision timetable for his prelims. Now he knows what he needs to revise. I talked it through with him what day he wanted to study what. He is in control of that. He may have ADHD, still to be assessed.

@pharmachameleon I imagine that the podcast was predicated on the young people in question not being neurodiverse or disabled? My DD1 is 15 and she is blind and has autism and ADHD, among other developmental conditions and disabilities. If I don’t help her, I consider that I am setting her up to fail. She can’t actually see inside her school bag to pack the right books, for example. Some of us have to be ‘helicopter’ (or just kind and helpful) parents who don’t want our children’s self-esteem squashed in a world that is set up for the non-disabled and the neurotypical. Please don’t tell me the name of the podcast as I will be forced to listen to it and I will become extremely annoyed by such ableist bullishit! 😅

You can’t generalise. My 17 year old has managed everything himself throughout secondary and I have no idea what homework he has. We helped when asked for GCSE revision but he managed it himself. 13 year old is currently being assessed for ADHD - we dropped the ball in Y7 and let him get on with it and it was a disaster. He needs a lot of scaffolding to ensure homework is done, kit is packed etc - and all he ‘learns’ from being punished is that he is useless/worthless/stupid. 9 year old is totally on top of homework, permission slips, PE days and will sail into secondary.

You are doing just fine OP. Better he feels that you are a supportive parent rather than a disinterested one.

My son is almost 12 and he uses teams, for school stuff. I check what he’s been issued and then ask him to use a timer to complete whatever he has, whilst I carry on. I don’t sit over him, or check his work. I check the feedback he gets, so that I can just get an idea of how he’s getting on and what he needs to improve on, so we can chat about it accordingly.

his school are teaching him to build independence. They really need to be motivated to do it, themselves. They need to be able to plan, time themselves, think independently, check their work. These are core skills that are important for life. Remember, your son will be doing his GCSE’s in 3 years and potentially be at uni in 5. They need to have these skills.

I'll preface this by saying we are not in the UK. My DD15 is in a high school that leads to university (there are different types here), so an academically demanding one.
I don't remind her about her PE kit, or anything else she might or might not need to bring to school. If she forgets her keys, she deals with the natural consequence: having to traipse to my workplace and get my key. It doesn't happen often.

DD doesn't have homework but needs to study for tests, and she tells me what tests are coming up when. She requires help with certain subjects, which her dad and I split between us. We have a system now where she enters her study plan for the day in a shared google calendar, so we know the work is getting done and when each of us might be required; if it doesn't fit our schedule, we let her know to rearrange.
DD is capable, but tends to waste time, so this system works for her and me - helps me not nag.
At least 10% of the kids who start the school year in her school will need to leave at the end of the year; for our child, we have to stay on top of the requirements.

My ds is 11, year 7. I know his PE days and his after school football days because I need to make sure his kit is clean for them. I do end up packing it in the bag too usually as it’s come off the airer. I think I probably need to take a step back at some point with this but he’s only just started high school so will leave it to him in year 8 I think.

homework- I don’t have a clue what he has and when for. He knows he can ask me for help if needed though.

You have to do what’s right for your child; that’s the problem with a lot of parenting approaches is that what your child needs is different to what others need.

Similar to @StJulian2023 here - I have a Y7 with “severe impairing combined ADHD” and very high intelligence. Left to himself he’d spend all his time e.g. making maps of Boudicca vs the Romans for history or designing costumes for Comedia dell Arte for drama and then get in a stress that he hasn’t done his maths.

We have parent / kid homework apps: the parent app shows homework that’s due & other parent focused information, so I ensure that I have an eye on the homework pipeline & will say “come on time for maths” to ensure he didn’t miss due dates. I don’t get involved in the doing of it unless he asks, but sit next to him reading my book whilst he does it.

I’m happy to take this approach as long as necessary whilst develops his executive function skills. I’m determined that ADHD shouldn’t impair his school experience more than it needs to.

My approach is a recognised one for ADHD https://www.additudemag.com/getting-stuff-done-easier-with-a-friend-body-double/

I’m a bit more involved - I do check his homework (12yo) and tell him what to do on what night. I don’t check he’s done it or look it over. I have bought him a tear off weekly planning pad and am gradually teaching him how to organise and plan his week with all the deadlines in order and a minimum of stress

however, he does has lots of freedom (walks to and from school with mates, often not home until 5pm as out chatting, goes to scouts and music alone and organises his music practice). So I am not generally helicoptery. I just think learning study skills is difficult and important and if it takes them until 15/16 to do it entirely alone then that is fine

It’s hard OP. What are your son’s hopes for the future? My son decided he wanted to be a DR in year 12. I was chatting to a Consultant I was working with and I mentioned it’s up to him now to make this happen and this Consultant who was from India said to me his Mum had marched him down to extra classes and made sure he got the results he needed to do medicine. The Consultant was adamant I should continue to do everything I could to keep motivating my son! I am grateful to that Consultant as I did become my son’s unofficial medical secretary. I couldn’t do his A level work with him as it was above my capabilities but I did help motivate him and I organised and paid for revision classes and extra help from his lovely lecturers at state college.

He managed it and he got his grades. He had just turned 18 in August 23 when we dropped him off at Uni in September 23. He loves it! We have not seen him since September so he has had to learn to be independent. Even though at times he and I would have a difference of opinion about the work he needed to do to get his A levels and sometimes I felt like I was a tiger Mum he is now very expressive how grateful he is I stuck with it with him. I was worried if without my support (nagging) he would not cope with the work at Uni but he’s just got two assessments back and got a high mark.

I often think if I had not worked with the Consultant that day and we had discussed our children how things would have turned out.

However, it’s definitely up to him now he’s at Uni 😂

Talk to your son ask him how he feels and let him lead you. My son would sometimes become frustrated but when I said I can back off he always replied he would not like that either. It’s such a balancing act. I see parenting as helping your child reach the goals they set for themselves. Wait til your son learns to drive if you help him that’s a whole other kettle of fish too.

Good luck.

Once secondary started I've only helped when asked by my DD. But she has an amazing work ethic. Slightly OTT actually so we had to go the opposite way and dial it back, otherwise she'd exhaust herself for the sake of 100% instead of doing enough for 95%.

I think it depends on the child. DD3 (awaiting ASD & OCD dx) is obsessive about having a clear slate, so I know that her homework is done within hours of it being set - she gets cross with her teachers if they don't set the homework on the right day. She is highly academic.

DD2 (ASD) struggled so much that I had to sit with her and she got a wine gum for every question she answered in maths.

If your DS wants and benefits from support, and you can do it, give it. If he would be fine without it and it's serving your anxiety about his performance, step back a bit and let him grow.

The rigidity of secondary school these days seems to leave kids needing a lot more support at home.

Back in the 90s detentions were handed out for Very Bad Things or repeated failure to hand in homework. DS's school dishes them out for wearing the wrong coloured socks, or turning up at class with 2 pens rather than the regulation 3. As a result DS lives in constant fear of detention so we do have to remind him to double and triple check his belongings every day.

I’m starting to help my 11 year old organise herself. Leave reminders on Alexa for days she needs things at school ect…. Putting her stuff together the night before. So I support her in doing stuff - but I wouldn’t leave her off just yet.

it obviously depends on the child - obviously some kids need more support. I suppose the point is to support them to do things for themselves - in line with their abilities. Sometimes I see parents jumping in and completely doing things for their kids and I think ultimately this damages their self belief.

I observe that the more securely middle class and educated the parents, the more they tend to take the education to their children for granted (with the important exception of securely middle class parents with a migration background). Yeah, of course they will be fine because I was fine. They often are not.

I think it’s really important to support one’s children into secondary school. Supporting doesn’t mean taking away space for them to be able to step up and take responsibility. But it means more than being all nonchalant about their education. Don’t underestimate the power of what we value has on our children. We show what we value in what we do/ ask about.

I didn’t do any of that when my DC were at High School
They have to learn or Uni will be very difficult
Although one of my colleagues monitors Uni assignments 😀

I agree they have to learn

i don’t agree that the best way to achieve this is just leavjng them alone to get on with it

Teaching them how to study, how to plan, how to organise themselves is another way of doing it

I also don’t think they have to learn all in one go aged 11. It can be gradual throughout secondary so that at 16 they are completely independent

Could not agree more

I know I would be seen as a Helicopter parent. My son has ADHD and I think he needs more scaffolding than his neurotypical classmates. But....gradually he is taking more responsibility for his things, doing homework without prompting (we have a routine and he just knows that's what is needed), I occasionally try something different and don't remind him. He often surprises me by remembering so I know this skill is developing.

I guess what I'm saying is, every child is different and you are surely best placed to know what your child needs

@shmivorytower I think I agree. I was bright up in a deprived area in Scotland and knew that education was the only way I could improve my future. I studied loads and took my schoolwork very seriously. My parents encouraged me but didn't help me as they had never done it themselves. I was the first person in my family to go to university and I possibly place too high a priority on education because of my past.
I feel I can't leave my DS to it at the m moment as he doesn't know how to study but hopefully I can teach him and take a few steps back as he learns.

He definitely wouldn't study as well for tests if I didn't help him prepare and test him on each topic This is helicopter parenting yes - you are telling him/yourself he can't do well enough without your input.

I see my role as setting out expectations, being there for back up, and stepping in at the first sign of trouble e.g. if school said homework was low quality I would have conversations.

The problem with helping too much is they don't learn how to make judgements for themselves.

I want my child to fail or pass their Year 7/8/9/10 tests independently, so they learn for themselves what 'enough' work/revision means for them individually before real GCSEs.

I did things like provide the space, provide the resources, ask how they were finding it, make sure the house was calm during homework/exam times - but they decided how much work to do. Then we'd look at the results - had they done as well as they hoped? If yes, fine/praise. If no, help them reflect/encourage.

I helped with organisation of homework and PE kits at 13.

My sun was dyspraxic and my DD has ADHD.

By 15 both were managing ok.

Some kids do take longer.