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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 yo refusing to be home alone

74 replies

BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 16:36

My dd is refusing to be home alone overnight.

She used to do 50/50 with her dad and he had a dog so she felt confident that she’d know if someone broke in. They did have two separate burglaries which I think is part of the problem/anxiety.

Her dad has moved away now and it’s making it really hard for me and DH to go away at all or do overnights for work. She doesn’t really have many friends she could stay with.

Has anyone any suggestions about this, or has overcome something similar with dc? I find it hard to understand as I would have loved to have been left home alone at this age!

OP posts:
Afteropening · 17/11/2023 16:38

have you actually spoken to her about this? about why?

she doesn’t have a single friend that she could invite over or go to? that would be a worry for me if i were you

Afteropening · 17/11/2023 16:39

They did have two separate burglaries which I think is part of the problem/anxiety.

well yes OP, likely

BeautifulBoy · 17/11/2023 16:41

I’m a 50 year old woman and I hate being home alone. It terrifies me. It wouldn’t have done at her age though, but I imagine the burglaries have triggered some sort of anxiety.
Have you suggested some counselling about the burglary /anxiety or anything?

FloweryName · 17/11/2023 16:48

Doesn’t she ever go and stay with her Dad? If you said you were going away, would she be able to ask someone to stay with her or does she feel unable to do that?

She won’t be like this forever. It might be disappointing that you can’t go away with your DH but even at 18 she’s still your child and if she needs you not to go away on overnight breaks without her then it’s not the end of the world. You and your DH still have each other, it’s not like you’re a single parent in this situation.

Username917778 · 17/11/2023 17:01

I don't think your daughter is being unreasonable, especially with her experience of burglaries.

Sandalholidays12 · 17/11/2023 17:28

Can you install a RING doorbell? I think you need explore your DD making some more friends. Does she work? Study?

MariaVT65 · 17/11/2023 17:34

I think it’s totally understandable if there have been 2 burglaries. What is the security system like? Can you get anything installed to reassure her?

MaloneMeadow · 17/11/2023 17:36

My DD is 19 and would hate to be home alone overnight, it’s different if she has friends over but that’s not always possible and she’s an only child so no siblings etc around.

To be honest in this day and age it’s understandable, especially if there has been burglaries in the past her fears are justified. There’s not much you can do about it except hope it gets better as she gets older!

Leafsliding · 17/11/2023 17:40

Completely understandable in the circumstances . At that age I would have had a friend to stay with me and did when my parents went away for a few days . I think that’s your way forward .

Mischance · 17/11/2023 17:41

I can understand her concern, especially if you are living in a city where burglary is common. Can you install some good security systems?

I live alone since my OH died and it does not worry me - I figure that the worst thing has already happened, so to hell with it all!

RunningFromInsanity · 17/11/2023 17:44

Honestly you just need to leave her to it. Arrange your nights away, let her know in advance and she can arrange alternative accommodation if she wants.

Grimchmas · 17/11/2023 17:46

I mean, I think most people would feel that way if they'd experienced two burglaries.

Talk to her about what it is about burglars that's particularly frightening to her - if it's her personal safety, encourage her to take up a martial art. Perhaps she would also benefit from some therapy, perhaps she'd like additional security measures.

You and DH can't want to go away as a couple that many times in a year that it is a big problem, surely? As others say, presumably she still goes to see her dad sometimes?

mooncloud1 · 17/11/2023 17:53

BeautifulBoy · 17/11/2023 16:41

I’m a 50 year old woman and I hate being home alone. It terrifies me. It wouldn’t have done at her age though, but I imagine the burglaries have triggered some sort of anxiety.
Have you suggested some counselling about the burglary /anxiety or anything?

Do you ever have to be home alone, how do you cope?

Wonderously · 17/11/2023 20:24

Can you get a lodger? Week days

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 21:23

Sandalholidays12 · 17/11/2023 17:28

Can you install a RING doorbell? I think you need explore your DD making some more friends. Does she work? Study?

She does have a Ring doorbell installed on her phone and this does reassure her a bit. She studies in a college that is quite far from home (commutes by train) so no friends are very close by.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 21:24

FloweryName · 17/11/2023 16:48

Doesn’t she ever go and stay with her Dad? If you said you were going away, would she be able to ask someone to stay with her or does she feel unable to do that?

She won’t be like this forever. It might be disappointing that you can’t go away with your DH but even at 18 she’s still your child and if she needs you not to go away on overnight breaks without her then it’s not the end of the world. You and your DH still have each other, it’s not like you’re a single parent in this situation.

Thank you - I think this is how I feel tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 21:25

Mischance · 17/11/2023 17:41

I can understand her concern, especially if you are living in a city where burglary is common. Can you install some good security systems?

I live alone since my OH died and it does not worry me - I figure that the worst thing has already happened, so to hell with it all!

I must admit, I don’t like being home alone either at night, but it hasn’t happened for years. I’m sorry for your situation but well done for taking this attitude!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 21:26

Wonderously · 17/11/2023 20:24

Can you get a lodger? Week days

No spare room - very small house. It’s a terrace which reassures me, as we can hear the neighbours knocking about.

OP posts:
LilyLemonade · 17/11/2023 21:28

Get a dog yourself?

Not really of course. But I understand her fears. Burglaries really shake your sense of security at home and also she is still very young. I’d try to work around it as much as you can. Hopefully she will grow in confidence.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/11/2023 21:29

It will be the burglaries that have alarmed her - many people don't feel safe in their home after one, let alone two burglaries.

What is more unusual is that she doesn't have one friend she could invite over or go and stay with. Going to college at a distance doesn't explain that at all.

overthehill5 · 17/11/2023 21:32

This reply has been deleted

This is a previously banned troll.

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 21:36

She does have some friends she can invite over, but due to the distance and public transport, they are often stuck for a few days so it’s not so simple (massive footprint for the college across a few counties). She’s also very introverted. So far she has invited her boyfriend over each time although he tends to have to stay for 2/3 nights due to buses/transport not running at weekends.

OP posts:
ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 17/11/2023 21:36

We have the opposite! My 16yo ds is desperate for us to go away so he can have his friends over! My dad does live next door, so only a short phonecall away...but although he us quite trustworthy I'm still a bit unsure!
Difficult with your dd. I have 3, so it's not been an issue in the past (2 older dds who are now away at uni) I can see it from her point of view, especially with the burglaries, but a shame she doesn't have anyone nearby she could invite over.

SecondUsername4me · 17/11/2023 22:09

I must admit, I don’t like being home alone either at night, but it hasn’t happened for years

Isn't it a bit rich you criticising her for it then?

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 22:25

SecondUsername4me · 17/11/2023 22:09

I must admit, I don’t like being home alone either at night, but it hasn’t happened for years

Isn't it a bit rich you criticising her for it then?

I’m not really criticising her: it’s just making it impossible for me to work away or for us to go on holidays etc. I guess that’s probably just the deal for now. It’s hard because there are family situations I need to be dealing with that are not possible in a day trip but I don’t want to distress her

OP posts: