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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 yo refusing to be home alone

74 replies

BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 16:36

My dd is refusing to be home alone overnight.

She used to do 50/50 with her dad and he had a dog so she felt confident that she’d know if someone broke in. They did have two separate burglaries which I think is part of the problem/anxiety.

Her dad has moved away now and it’s making it really hard for me and DH to go away at all or do overnights for work. She doesn’t really have many friends she could stay with.

Has anyone any suggestions about this, or has overcome something similar with dc? I find it hard to understand as I would have loved to have been left home alone at this age!

OP posts:
Afteropening · 18/11/2023 05:48

will she stay home alone with her step dad if you need to go on business trip or deal with family issue?

Are you not very concerned that this is an 18 year old who appears to have no friends to stay over or to invite over?

Is she planning on going away to uni?

stayathomer · 18/11/2023 05:50

TWO burglaries? I wouldn’t be feeling great staying at home either- I’m 43 and we had one burglary as a child that I only found out about later. The poor thing!

TeenDivided · 18/11/2023 07:47

We are in the same situation with our 19yo who is recovering from MH issues triggered by the pandemic. At least yours has some friends, even if a distance away, and a boyfriend.
For us we are being patient and slowly extending the time DD can be left for in an evening.

BendingSpoons · 18/11/2023 08:02

How often are you and your DH needing to be away for work at the same time? If you want a weekend away, could you drop the boyfriend home after?

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 09:50

BendingSpoons · 18/11/2023 08:02

How often are you and your DH needing to be away for work at the same time? If you want a weekend away, could you drop the boyfriend home after?

Boyfriend is a 2 hour drive home so it would be a four hour round trip. We are rural.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 09:52

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 05:48

will she stay home alone with her step dad if you need to go on business trip or deal with family issue?

Are you not very concerned that this is an 18 year old who appears to have no friends to stay over or to invite over?

Is she planning on going away to uni?

Edited

She is happy to stay with stepdad yes. We tend to go together as I have some mobility issues so it’s much easier for me if he fetches and carries things!

As explained, she does have friends but they are far away and asking them to stay over for 2/3 nights is quite an ask.

We we’re going away once or twice a month with work and breaks.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:05

why is her boyfriend and friends so far away?

you are rural? how rural? public transport?

is she planning on uni?

You go away 2/3 nights for business travel and you have to bring your partner due to mobility issues. are you self employed?

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:05

As explained, she does have friends but they are far away and asking them to stay over for 2/3 nights is quite an ask.

not if you are 18 and friends and have a free house!!!!

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:07

BeetleDeuce · 17/11/2023 21:25

I must admit, I don’t like being home alone either at night, but it hasn’t happened for years. I’m sorry for your situation but well done for taking this attitude!

Show quote history

Come again??

You don’t like being home alone at night

and yet here you are… about your 18 year old daughter

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:14

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:05

why is her boyfriend and friends so far away?

you are rural? how rural? public transport?

is she planning on uni?

You go away 2/3 nights for business travel and you have to bring your partner due to mobility issues. are you self employed?

Yes I am self-employed.

She doesn’t go to a local college - it’s a college in a city that she has to commute by train to get to. It takes people from across a wide area, which is very rural. Transport is rubbish and lots of places don’t have bus services that run at weekends, especially Sundays, which makes weekend trips difficult because her friends have to stay until Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:15

She’s not sure about uni but she would stay in a shared flat I guess?

OP posts:
Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:17

i can’t fathom what’s the issue with 18 year olds spending a couple of nights. that would be my dream at that age. shame that she lives 4 hour round journey from boyfriend and so far away from all her friends.

but fact it… you don’t like being home alone at night and you need to take your partner on business trips to take and fetch things for you, and she’s experienced two burglaries… and yet your standards for your daughter are rather different to your standards for yourself

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:18

BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:15

She’s not sure about uni but she would stay in a shared flat I guess?

what year is she in?

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:19

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:18

what year is she in?

Show quote history

She’s in her final year - not sure why it’s relevant?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:21

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:17

i can’t fathom what’s the issue with 18 year olds spending a couple of nights. that would be my dream at that age. shame that she lives 4 hour round journey from boyfriend and so far away from all her friends.

but fact it… you don’t like being home alone at night and you need to take your partner on business trips to take and fetch things for you, and she’s experienced two burglaries… and yet your standards for your daughter are rather different to your standards for yourself

Edited

I guess it’s partly that we didn’t expect her to be here full time - her dad moving away was a bit of a surprise - and previously I arranged everything for the weeks she was away.

I guess we are a bit stuck tbh and I will need to ask DH to stay with her - I’m conscious it’s a bit of a big ask of a step parent. Although dd is very sweet and no trouble, DH likes coming away with me.

I was just starting the thread to see if there was anything obvious I’d missed tbh.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 18/11/2023 10:23

BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:19

She’s in her final year - not sure why it’s relevant?

Show quote history

just wondering re uni plans

Seeline · 18/11/2023 10:24

How far away is her Dad? Can't she stay with him at the weekend?

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:26

Seeline · 18/11/2023 10:24

How far away is her Dad? Can't she stay with him at the weekend?

They’ve had a bit of a falling out tbh over him moving away.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 18/11/2023 10:27

this is why houses are cheaper in the middle of nowhere, and why parents should think v carefully before moving there.
the country idyll, village school, old church, archers world may seem attractive while kids still like father chritsmas, but for teenagers being stuck and or dependent on lifts everywhere is so cramping.
they want to be going out and about, on tubes and buses, into the city, meeting friends, days out, exploring, ie becoming independent.
obviously this comment is aimed not at OP, as too late.
you are stuck there now.
can't she go live/share nearer college.
surprised she has a boyfriend. you make her sound friendless. can't she go stay with him.
or you just wait it out until she gets away from this isolation living.
you said yourself you don't like being alone overnight.
i wouldn't be keen either, in that location.
town /burbs/ city feel much safer.

Honeychickpea · 18/11/2023 10:29

She won’t be like this forever.
She might if she's pandered to - she very likely enjoys the sense that she can control you.

Seeline · 18/11/2023 10:31

Is she ok on her own during the day?
Can you leave her in the evening if you and your DP go out for a meal?

Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:33

Seeline · 18/11/2023 10:31

Is she ok on her own during the day?
Can you leave her in the evening if you and your DP go out for a meal?

I suppose we could but we tend to invite her!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeetleDeuce · 18/11/2023 10:33

alexdgr8 · 18/11/2023 10:27

this is why houses are cheaper in the middle of nowhere, and why parents should think v carefully before moving there.
the country idyll, village school, old church, archers world may seem attractive while kids still like father chritsmas, but for teenagers being stuck and or dependent on lifts everywhere is so cramping.
they want to be going out and about, on tubes and buses, into the city, meeting friends, days out, exploring, ie becoming independent.
obviously this comment is aimed not at OP, as too late.
you are stuck there now.
can't she go live/share nearer college.
surprised she has a boyfriend. you make her sound friendless. can't she go stay with him.
or you just wait it out until she gets away from this isolation living.
you said yourself you don't like being alone overnight.
i wouldn't be keen either, in that location.
town /burbs/ city feel much safer.

Haha! I agree with you. We are actually in a large town but most of her friends are very rural.

OP posts:
Catopia · 18/11/2023 10:34

Slightly off topic, but driving lessons seem like they would really help her to be able to have her friends there by being able to pick and drop them, and to be able to go and see them. If you're so remote with such terrible public transport, it seems like somewhat a necessity that she learns asap and that this would actually solve many of the issues. Its not just that she's at home alone, she's at home alone isolated in what feels like the middle of nowhere with no way to get to somewhere else if she feels safe with you being a long way away working.

Binglebong · 18/11/2023 10:35

How do you get on with your neighbours? Is there one that she could have as an emergency contact so she knows if there is a problem she can ring and they are just two doors away?