18 yo refusing to be home alone

[BeetleDeuce]

My dd is refusing to be home alone overnight.

She used to do 50/50 with her dad and he had a dog so she felt confident that she’d know if someone broke in. They did have two separate burglaries which I think is part of the problem/anxiety.

Her dad has moved away now and it’s making it really hard for me and DH to go away at all or do overnights for work. She doesn’t really have many friends she could stay with.

Has anyone any suggestions about this, or has overcome something similar with dc? I find it hard to understand as I would have loved to have been left home alone at this age!

She has stayed at her boyfriends but that is a good drive from the station so his parents are not keen - they then have to ferry her and have her for 2/3 nights. She does it occasionally though.

does no one in her friendship group drive?

well this will do the job every now and then

Very close with neighbours but that doesn’t reassure her. I’ve pointed out that we can hear them walking around so she’s really not alone!

I agree.
My eldest daughter is 18 and she would be very stressed left alone in the house overnight, I wouldn’t leave her. That is without two burglaries .
18 is really young, I wasn’t alone in a house overnight until twenty I think.

Can the boyfriend not stay with you?
Friends from college could come direct from college on a Friday and return with your DD on the Monday.
Even easier to do mid week for an overnight.
I would have thought friends would love to stay if you are the ones in town and they are from the rural bits - opportunity to go to cinema, eat out etc

Sorry to hear this: I think this age group have missed out a lot on developmental stages that would have helped their independence. All her friends (and she has a very small group tbh) seem to struggle with mental health issues.

They do occasionally. But it’s a very small house - no guest room so just temporary beds - and none of them have much money for going out! Rural teens often don’t have jobs.

I used to be like this. Literally couldn't do it. I had a stream of friends in my twenties that would step in if my house mate went away.
In the end I got CBD counselling to get my brain out of automatic panic mode. It worked!

Hi OP, it might be worth getting some support. CBT would be helpful- though her fears are quite rational due to the previous burglaries. It appears that it having an impact on her life and others- definitely would speak to GP re a referral.

She has had private counselling in the past. I think I was wondering if this is normal or not - seems like it’s not wildly outside the range of others her age, so that’s helpful.

Oh for God's sake I and most of my peers were living in house shares at that age. She is not a child whether or not she chooses to behave like one.

🤫 @Honeychickpea

You do not have children and yet you are all over mumsnet on multiple threads dishing out criticism for parents “pandering” to their off spring.

In fact you’re on so many of these threads, talking about what you were doing at a similar age…. quite frankly it’s bloody weird and seems to be your obsession! 😂

Yes me too - but again, that means you are not actually on your own overnight.

if she goes away to university - you will have loads of freedom!

is she inclined to go… given she’d be starting in september next year if no gap year?

She does want to go away but isn’t sure whether to do uni or another option. I think she will be fine in a house share.

great - so it’s only really short term

My 48 yo DH was so traumatised after one burglary he couldnt sleep in the house alone. He saw a psychiatrist and had cbt and medication.

I think some more support for your dd would be in order.

Could you afford to book her and her boyfriend cheapish hotel accommodation near to college from time to time?

Apologies I just saw she’d had private counselling. My dh had to have quite specialised PTSD counselling organised by the psychiatrist

I would consider counselling too. I suffered a traumatic event at this age, not a burglary but think people attacking our home in the night. I felt the repercussions for literally years and had real difficulties being in our house alone at night. Therapy wasn't really a thing then (I'm old), but I wish it had been. It might not completely solve the problem for your daughter, but it might put her on the road to feeling more comfortable.

She is still school age by the sound of it ? So not house share age. Anyway a house share is totally different as , well, you are sharing it, and not alone.
People are different in when they feel ok alone. My brother wouldn’t have minded at all being in the house alone overnight at 18, but I wouldn’t have liked it and my daughter wouldn’t like it at all.

I never quite got over the burglary where they came in while I slept in my teens. I’m now a very light sleeper and my heart thumps like it’s coming out of my chest if I hear an unexpected noise through the night. I have three dogs and a rounders bat to reassure me though.

Would she stay in a Travelodge or similar on her own? Obviously it’s an expensive solution if it’s on a regular basis, but it could work for you and DH going away.

Obviously she’s an adult, so if you told her you were going away on X night then she would just have to accept it, but I can see why she’s nervous when her dad’s been burgled twice!