17 YO son seems so lonely and confused

[PBS2023]

I have 2 teenagers - a 17 yo son and a 13 yo girl. They are like chalk and cheese. My daughter is super confident. A social butterfly. My son is the complete opposite and it makes me so sad.

He goes to college but has no life outside of it. He literally comes home and sits in his bedroom online. He was bullied terribly in high school and spent most of his final years there alone and being called weird. His hobbies are trains and gaming like FNAF. He was bullied endlessly for being “different”. He has gone to college and although he has classmates that he chats too, he never goes out or does anything. He literally has no confidence and in some ways is incapable of doing simple tasks without guidance. My daughter happily takes herself off to the cinema with her friends on the bus - my son would look at me in horror at such a suggestion. He is quite immature in lots of ways. I would say he would find the company of younger teenagers more preferable than those of his own age. His sister is far more mature than he is and the responsible one out of the two. She has even invited him out with her friends (they are a mixed boy/girl group). I think he would go if he thought he wouldn’t get teased for it.

We have always made him have a part time job since being in college as a way of boosting his confidence and social skills. Wherever he has worked has loved him. He has had a couple of different roles due to them being casual roles. He never seems to make any friendships or anything though. He goes to work at these part time jobs but I know if he could, he would just stay at home.

Similarly , he is learning to drive. I know it’s only because we are paying for lessons. He has no desire to drive. He doesn’t go anywhere.

My husband encourages him to take on more responsibilities to encourage him to mature but he really struggles!

Adults love him. I always get loads of compliments of how kind and well mannered he is. And he is! I always tell him when I am proud of him or he has done a good job but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. He has actually said to me on one occasion “he never feels he is good enough”.

A year ago, he said he was bisexual. We were totally supportive. We just wanted him to be happy. Then he admitted that he wasn’t sure if he was. It was just that a LGBTQ group of kids had befriended him at college so he said it to fit in! We asked if he had a partner. He said “why would anyone want to be with me?” We were bewildered by this so god knows what is going on in his head!

He’s due to finish college next summer. He has no clue what he wants to do. I honestly think he would just live his bedroom.

I love him so much. I want him to see himself as we all see him. A wonderful person. How can I help him without wrapping him in cotton wool.

Sounds a little bit like my sister and me. I feel your pain cause my mom always had the same stress.
I was 6 years younger than my sister, confident, super sociable etc. I managed to keep very close friendships through every stage of my life including primary school till now (mid 30’s).
On the other hand, my sister was always super kind and polite but very closed to herself. She had some friends and my mom always reminded her to call them, to ask to go out etc. She was doing it occasionally but never managed to keep any friendships longer term.
As we grew older, I had endless conversations (some of them ended up in arguments) pushing her to come out of her shell, meet someone, have kids, go travelling etc.
Well I did not manage to do it. She is who she is. She is now early 40s and not much has changed but she managed to have a good career and very small circle of friends 2-3 that she hangs out occasionally.
It took me years to accept it but seeing her actually happy with herself is good.
What I would advice is get your DD to help. Go out together in the cinema as siblings, when older travel together or even get him out for a drink or dinner with her friends. You ll get a lot of pushback like my mum had from me. But I am so grateful i did it.

Oh op its like you can see in our family!

I cant offer answers but I can sympathise.

I’m so sorry that he was bullied, I think that alone can make establishing independence and moving forward so difficult.

I’m sure you’ve already considered this, but is ASD a possibility, or has he been assessed?

Again, I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but the right hobby, that involves some socialising but not too full on can shift things. The ‘finding your tribe’.

Who would tease him if he socialised with his sister’s friends? His college friends?

Thank you. It’s tough. I can see that my daughter is starting to worry about him too. Is that my fears projecting on her? She is his biggest fan. Always supportive but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to his confidence.

like your sister, maybe this is who he is and he’s happy?

It’s so hard isn’t it. You just want them to be out there living life and enjoying all the experiences. Not hiding away x

We have started to think that he is neurodivergent. It was NEVER mentioned in high school though. When we look at some of his traits and habits though, it makes sense. He takes things extremely literally and we realise that we have to be very clear and concise in any instructions to him otherwise he makes mistakes.

I wouldn’t even know where to start about getting him assessed now.

The “finding your tribe” idea is right. He met 2 boys who love train spotting like him. He met up with them a couple of times then it stopped. Why? “I haven’t heard from them” he said. I said “Well have you text them?”. I

t’s like he is literally waiting for things to happen and doesn’t realise you have to put effort in yourself. I say to him “to have friends, you have to be a friend” i.e be the one who suggests days out etc.

Regarding the teasing, its not his college friends. It’s everyone. He thinks everyone is watching and judging. He walks around with his head and eyes to the floor.

It’s just so sad. This isnt the boisterous happy boy i had when he was in primary school. I encourage him to “be himself “ but its like he is constantly tormented by feeling like he has to fit in and now he feels like he has no place.

My son is also similar to yours. I do think it's important not to focus too much on trying to want something different for them or to compare to siblings. Some people don't want to go out and don't feel the need to. My son has no real desire to go out much and socialise outside of college, I realised it was me that felt like he was missing out not him.
I don't know what to do about self confidence as my son is the same, he says things like 'nobody will ever want to marry me and I'd like children one day but I doubt I ever will'
He's also very kind and polite and has a part time job and they're all older and they think he's really good.
Its so difficult as you want them to see themselves for the fab person they are.
Tell your son its very normal to feel confused tat this age, its OK to not know who he is yet.
Sending love OP

I think if I could get away with it, I'd just live in my bedroom too, OP. I'm not sure what it is, life in general just doesn't motivate me or fill me with desire. It doesn't appeal to me, the wider world and normal life I suppose.

From your first post I thought "he sounds like he may be autistic". Lots of similarities with myself and my 16yo DD.
If he's interested in a diagnosis (I don't think you can do it without him wanting to at this stage) you would search for how to get referred to the Adult Autism Service in your local council area. Often it's GP referral but in some areas you can self refer.
My local area has groups you can go to once diagnosed where people share their interests etc.
If he is autistic he would also be able to get accommodations at work, college etc as its classed as a disability.

Whatever you think in this regard though, you must be so proud he is managing to work and learn to drive! Even a few hours a week is better than a lot of teens, neurodivergent or not - you must have instilled a good work ethic in him for him to want to try so hard.

I could have written this post as my DS17 is exactly the same. He is studying at 6th form college and has not made any friends and does not socialise outside of college hours. I try not to pester him about this as I think I did too much in the beginning of year 12 and this just served to distress him even more. He also confessed a year ago or so that he was bullied in secondary school for at least 2 years. I was not aware of this although I knew that something had started to eat away at his confidence.

He is now learning to drive also but like your son is not completely convinced of the point of it! He has also engaged with applying to university so potentially would start that next September. But I am extremely worried about him going away from home.. I know all mums worry but I do think he is vulnerable. He did mention a year ago or so that he thought he was 'autistic' and wanted to be tested. Later he changed his mind on that. To be honest I am not sure what benefit that would actually bring him.

I think for me, I just accept him exactly the way he is without now telling him 'what he should be doing in life' and let him decide how he wants to spend his time. I do gently suggest things but not in a pushy way. Even his 18th coming up soon he does not want a party or celebration of any kind which is his choice.

It's so hard for young people these days I feel.. not sure why or what has changed since I was that age. All we can do is love and support unconditionally

The benefits of an official diagnosis are huge.

He would get more support at uni and possibly DSA. He may also get PIP.

My Dd was diagnosed at 16. She follows loads of ASD women on Tiktok. They help her to understand why she is low she is.

Peer groups at school/college are very narrowly focussed by age and geography. Bullying can ruin your confidence amongst what's perceived as your acceptable peer group, but once you leave college your social circle grows beyond your peers-by-age. After school it can also be a struggle to realise that social relationships must be worked at, because you're not going to have the certainty of the school bus/day to meet the same people.

He needs to see that there's a world out there beyond college. His interest in trains (and to an lesser degree gaming) can be a ticket to this. Take him to York or Shildon or a preservation railway, show him what's out there and whet his appetite to explore. Let him see that he can access this himself by public transport and, once he can drive, by car.

When you are a teenager, being different is hard.
I found it was something I embraced once I got into my late twenties, but up to that point, I always felt that I didn’t really fit in and that it was a problem. I now realise that being a bit different is a gift, and I just wish I could have told my teenage self that.

Are there any clubs he can join to do with his hobbies?

Oh OP, I’m so sorry you’re watching your son go through this. I have no words of wisdom or advice, but can really empathise here, particularly with the ‘chalk and cheese’ with his sister. My older sister and I are so different to each other - I’m more like your DD whereas my sister is more like your DS, and I often see DSis’ social anxiety and wish I could do more to help her feel comfortable. I feel it may be the same with my own DCs as they get older.

Perhaps when he starts uni/full time work (whichever he decides to do) he’ll expand his social circle a bit more and ‘find his tribe’.

FWIW, your DCs sound like they have a lovely bond and are caring and considerate of each other. Their age gap probably seems really wide at the moment but in a few years it will seem like nothing at all and, from what you’ve said, I imagine they’ll be very close and socialise together more.

I wouldn’t even know where to start about getting him assessed now.

With respect, you need to find that out, urgently. He deserves a decent assessment.

Look up Hikikomori by Saito Tamaki, it talks a lot about the growing situation of boys living in their rooms. His theory is essentially that young men have a sort of PTSD relating from negative school or employment experiences. Your son has that from the bullying in secondary school. The solution is essentially compassion and letting him do things at his own pace, not forcing social inclusion, setting small goals. He is not as extreme as some of the cases in the book. Good luck and remember to not make him feel abnormal or like a child. You sound like a fantastic yet worried mum

I would really look in to pursuing an autism diagnosis. As others have said the benefits are huge. I have worked in higher ed specifically with autistic students & I haven’t met a single one that wasn’t glad to have a diagnosis & most wished they’d been diagnosed earlier. There are peer support groups & the neurodiverse community is a way for him to find his tribe.

This is such a good suggestion. I’m going to look in to this book.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/getting-diagnosed/how-to-get-diagnosed/

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/broaching-the-subject/partners-friends-colleagues

In some areas you can be referred to Psychiatry UK by your GP, paid for by the NHS. Can be quicker than referral into the NHS service. Or if you can afford it, you can of course pay yourself to avoid the waiting list.

psychiatry-uk.com/autistic-spectrum-condition/

There are other private services ofc, eg www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/autism-training-and-best-practice/diagnostic-services

You’ve had a lot of good advice and I really agree on the finding your tribe point. He may also be a person who finds a lot of fulfilment through work if there is something he is passionate about - perhaps he could look into train driving or something related?

I do also think that he could just be very introverted and there is nothing “wrong” with him. It’s taken me a really long time to fully come to terms with my introversion and societally there is a tendency to see that as wrong or a function of depression, lack of confidence etc - something to be fixed! It sounds like there are some aspects of his life he would like to change but he may also be someone who does not like being out and about all the time anyway. And that is really ok! If someone is happier with one or two hobby or job focused friendships than being a social butterfly then why shouldn’t they live like that? I would probably focus on making small changes that would bring some balance to his life rather than pushing him into full on social situations that may overwhelm him.

Reading your post OP sounds just like my DS1. He was diagnosed with autism last year at the age of 18. We had no clue we thought it was social anxiety and high school never picked up on anything. It would be a good idea to get him assessed if he is willing.

Hi OP
As there seems a lot of us going through this with their sons. Does anyone fancy making this thread a support thread where we can all support each other?

X

Sounds good, Devongal, my dd has same issues, i'd love a supportive thread

Brilliant! X

Sounds autistic to me because that's exactly how I am