17 YO son seems so lonely and confused

[PBS2023]

I have 2 teenagers - a 17 yo son and a 13 yo girl. They are like chalk and cheese. My daughter is super confident. A social butterfly. My son is the complete opposite and it makes me so sad.

He goes to college but has no life outside of it. He literally comes home and sits in his bedroom online. He was bullied terribly in high school and spent most of his final years there alone and being called weird. His hobbies are trains and gaming like FNAF. He was bullied endlessly for being “different”. He has gone to college and although he has classmates that he chats too, he never goes out or does anything. He literally has no confidence and in some ways is incapable of doing simple tasks without guidance. My daughter happily takes herself off to the cinema with her friends on the bus - my son would look at me in horror at such a suggestion. He is quite immature in lots of ways. I would say he would find the company of younger teenagers more preferable than those of his own age. His sister is far more mature than he is and the responsible one out of the two. She has even invited him out with her friends (they are a mixed boy/girl group). I think he would go if he thought he wouldn’t get teased for it.

We have always made him have a part time job since being in college as a way of boosting his confidence and social skills. Wherever he has worked has loved him. He has had a couple of different roles due to them being casual roles. He never seems to make any friendships or anything though. He goes to work at these part time jobs but I know if he could, he would just stay at home.

Similarly , he is learning to drive. I know it’s only because we are paying for lessons. He has no desire to drive. He doesn’t go anywhere.

My husband encourages him to take on more responsibilities to encourage him to mature but he really struggles!

Adults love him. I always get loads of compliments of how kind and well mannered he is. And he is! I always tell him when I am proud of him or he has done a good job but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. He has actually said to me on one occasion “he never feels he is good enough”.

A year ago, he said he was bisexual. We were totally supportive. We just wanted him to be happy. Then he admitted that he wasn’t sure if he was. It was just that a LGBTQ group of kids had befriended him at college so he said it to fit in! We asked if he had a partner. He said “why would anyone want to be with me?” We were bewildered by this so god knows what is going on in his head!

He’s due to finish college next summer. He has no clue what he wants to do. I honestly think he would just live his bedroom.

I love him so much. I want him to see himself as we all see him. A wonderful person. How can I help him without wrapping him in cotton wool.

I came across your post and I just wanted to say thanks as it's given me some help for my son who is 15 and really struggling. doesn't ever leave the house has friends but doesn't ever want to do anything with them ,hates school even though he's really clever get really anxious about going in . I keep saying he will find his thing that makes him happy and content . Just so so hard

I could have written your post word for word. Mines now 19.

He applied for Uni last year because he really couldn't cope with applying and interviewing any serious career type jobs. He got into a good but dull Uni with no reputation for being fun. He has made no real friends and didn't join any societies. He has a house he is sharing with one other equally quiet student. Passed his driving test at 18 whilst at college and I bought him a car but he had no where to go in it so it got sold again.
However he then told me over the summer that one of his online friends was now his girlfriend and she would be visiting last year. She turned out to be a really lovely, totally normal girl and very pretty to boot. Its done his self confidence a world of good. He bought his own car and suddenly drives everywhere now. He went on holiday with her last year.

I'm not saying he's become a party animal or socially adept but he's happier and found himself . Just wanted to give you and anyone else in the same boat a bit of hope.

Also whilst MN is full of boys going off to Exeter and Durham in between work, captaining a team and backpacking, I've noticed in real life lots of difficulties. The ones who are coming out unscathed are the typically unexciting slow burners.

This post is the best.

I am guilty as charged. Its very hard not to compare and to worry. I was worried about him breaking up with said girlfriend (she's at a different more exciting Uni) but we fell out over it and now I'm always very positive. Its easier to do this now i see he can manage independently though.

Well here I am. Back 6 months later with an update.

I read every comment. It was weirdly reassuring that so many of you feel the same concerns as I do. One thing that struck a cord with me was one of the earlier comments about me worrying about how his life should be, and him actually being OK with how his life was.

So i took a step back and let him be. Didn’t project my worries onto him but still gently encouraged him. His confidence has grown so much. Don’t get me wrong. He is still a homebody who prefers to be at home but he has actually been out several times in the past month with his college mates. He has even hung out at one of their houses and enjoyed it!! He still asks “what time do you want me in” and “am i allowed?”. I gently remind him that he is 18 next month so is free to make plans without checking with me first.

The biggest change is though - he has applied to uni and is planning to move out!! He actually had his accommodation confirmed today…,my head has fell off!! I actually said to him “are you sure you will be ok?” He said “Yep! I’ll just make new friends”. He is now having a baptism of fire in learning how to iron and use a washing machine.

i don’t want to speak too soon but i think he is finally finding his own feet and building confidence. He is still extremely quiet and prefers his own company but hopefully he will find a group of likeminded friends at uni.

Now i just need to find a thread on here for mums whose kids are off to uni this year!!

That sounds amazing OP! Have you discussed with him the possibility that he might be ND? It might help him understand himself better. He sounds very like my son who was diagnosed with ASD at 11. It also means he could get DSA and perhaps some support at uni (I think even if not diagnosed yet).

Im so happy for you and DS , OP. I hope everything goes well for him.

Love a positive update!
Thanks for coming back to share and give so many of us hope.
Xx

Aw, that’s amazing 😊

Aww that is so good to hear. Good for him! I wish him (and you) all the luck in the world OP.x

Such a lovely update. You sound like an amazing mum 🥰

@PBS2023 What a lovely update. Good luck to him and to you for now and the future.

I’m a psychologist with lots of ASD runs in my family. My husband is ASD, both my sons are ASD. My sister is ASD also lots of my cousins, nephew and nieces. Lots of them are in similar situation like your son.

my husband always feel lost since young because he didnt know that he is ASD. After he married to me and i mention it and he is getting assessed and turns out he is ASD. He become know himself better rather than thinking he is weird. He said its painful to think himself as a weird person, so having a diagnosis its really helped him to become more confident and understand himself.

i think diagnosis its really important to be able to understand more about himself.

just seeing the updates. Its wonderful update. Goodluck

You've exactly described my son, in every way. He is now 24 and has recently moved away from home to a studio flat, couldn't handle sharing somewhere with people he doesn't know but I do worry about him being on his own. I so wish things were different, and he could find joy in life.
A support thread is a fabulous idea.

Oooops, just realised I was answering your original post and things have moved on. Thats great news, hope he continues to thrive.

Thanks for the post and all the responses. I've read them all, because we are going through exactly the same, albeit my children are younger (13 and 10). I was a bit deflated when I started reading because I realised this situation could be a long term thing and get worse before it gets better, but it's lovely to read your update and see that your son is now much happier, it gives me hope. Thanks for sharing.

Sounds EXACTLY like my dd1. Everything you have said. She was diagnosed autistic/aspergers as a late teen.

My son was the same. He is now in his late 20s with a large group of friends and an active social life. Give him the space and support to be hi.

Hi OP when someone is bullied and neurodivergent it is more difficult for us to understand that behaviour. It is harder already as making and keeping friends takes a lot more mental energy and we don't want to disturb people if they are busy or become a nuisance. We get anxious about everything and often have to wait to reply to texts until we're in a good headspace which may not happen. When you add bullying it destroys self esteem and confidence for everyone but for a neurodivergent it affects the way we view and interact with people all the time. We fixate on things so being called a nobody we think that we are one. Being called a pansy we believe we must be weak or why would someone say this. For us it a lot harder to deal with bullying and often we need therapy to deal with these feelings. To have a healthy view of ourselves we need to go back and deal with the words and actions from bullying.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but honestly your GP could request the necessary tests and also you can get support from autism and adhd charities with a lot of resources online to have a look at xx