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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How much driving around of teenagers do you do?

104 replies

ColouringPencils · 18/10/2023 21:47

Trying to decide if I am being moody or if I deserve a break!

I have two teens. Older one does fewer activities and mainly gets herself about. I give her a couple of lifts a week. She's fine!

The younger is 13 and most weeks has an activity 3 week nights, plus Saturday morning and Saturday evening. Two nights plus Saturday AM are for the sport he plays. He trains for 2 hours, so I drop him off, go home, pick up. It feels like it takes over my whole evening. Then he goes to a youth group one night and Scouts another night. These both last two hours too, so I can't hang around then either. I do usually share lifts with another parent for these.

In the context of him having three hobbies, I don't think it sounds that bad. Also one of the sports sessions is him volunteer coaching, which counts towards his Duke of Edinburgh award.

On top of this he will get the bus from school to the gym and ask me to collect him once or twice a week. I also take him to the gym on Sunday. This has only been since the summer when our local leisure centre closed. He used to walk to the gym, so I feel bad saying no to that. We also live very near a park and he goes there a lot, although less so when it is dark in the evening. At the moment he can still get an hour or so in after school and often meets friends there on the nights he doesn't go to the gym (ie before he goes out to other activity), as well as both Saturday and Sunday for several hours. Every couple of weeks he has a match with school, but he gets the public bus home from those, unless another parent offers him a lift. He also does a couple of after-school clubs and gets the bus home.

This weekend he has two extra, fun activities, that I had already said I can take him to. This will take up Friday night and Saturday afternoon (on top of the usual Saturday morning and Saturday evening!). He has just asked about a third extra activity, where I would also have to pick up other kids, and I feel murderous!

For context, I work full time and DH is both unwell and unable to drive, so all the lifts are on me.

Now that I have typed this all out I feel absolutely sure IANBU and also that he is doing way too much stuff. Is anyone else in the same boat? Help?

OP posts:
ScarletWitchM · 20/10/2023 11:17

Soo off and pick up DS 15 at air cadets twice a week but if the traffic is bad he takes the bus there and I pick up as usually around 10pm by the time they get out.

travelogue · 20/10/2023 12:01

It's like the hokey-cokey most days in this house too if it makes you feel any better. 3 of them and it's been this way for years and years and years..5 year gap between 2& 3 as well so it's set to continue although it will be much better when DD has left school and can go and do all her dance / drama somewhere else!

The Uncanny podcast has been keeping me company over the last few weeks although gets ruined when they get in the car and demand music!

Half term next week so I will have my evenings to myself (so long as there are no stupid parties out in the sticks that is..)

Blanketpolicy · 20/10/2023 17:50

ds had local friends at all of his activities so we shared pickups and drop offs with other parents which made it less onerous. Especially for football match days when they had to be there an hour or more before kick off.

By the time he was 13, if the weather wasn't too bad they also cycled to anything local-ish (fairly safe for cycling on roads/pavements here).

As others have said, miss those spontaneous car chats now he is 19 and driving himself. It was one of the places, like the dinner table, where he was taught it was rude to stare at his phone.

SaracensMavericks · 20/10/2023 18:10

We live rurally and have 3 DC who are all really sporty. I drive them about a LOT!

JessicaBrassica · 21/10/2023 08:18

14 yo does scouts and cadets which is walkable. Dance Sat pm (1hr) and Sunday am (0.5hrs) and drama sat am (2hrs) and Thurs (2hrs). Tend to drive her 25 mins to town sat for drama. She stays in town and we pick up from dance at the end of the day. Thurs eve we lift share and Sunday I take her, run 5k (flatter than running at home), and we come back.

She gets 5 lifts a week from us.

12yo does scouts several after school sports clubs which are walkable. He also does an activity in town so we take him when dropping DD into town. We do an activity at the same time.

I avoid doing a drive into town unless I can make it multi purpose.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 21/10/2023 08:25

Public transport isn't really a thing where we live so I'd say our level of lifts is probably on a par although DH does do some of the late pick ups.

Nononsensemumsy · 21/10/2023 11:37

My youngest is extremely sporty and we spent years ferrying him around, it’s so tiring, working plus all the driving but then they turn 17, pass their test, get a car (if they’ve saved enough) then you are suddenly free to spend your evenings worrying about them driving in the dark, in the rain, etc and some nights wishing you could go back and be collecting them at midnight from the middle of nowhere …

HelenTherese2 · 21/10/2023 12:55

Under 18s can’t ride e scooters legally.

familyissues12345 · 21/10/2023 12:58

DS1 - not much at all now, aged 19 and has been driving for 2 years. Prior to that - a lot, he went to school 15 miles away so it felt like we were permanent taxi drivers

DS2 - aged 14, not too much. He goes to our local secondary school so mates are all in walkable distance. So tends to be a case of us doing something because we've offered/or driving that way, than a need to. So much easier than DS1, just a shame the school was a pile of poo when he was year 7

Magicmama92 · 21/10/2023 15:23

Personally I'd say I'm ok to take to football and scouts but gym and youth club he'd need to either get a lift or taxi or bus. Your taking him to football so that's already excersice and being round people and scouts is also round people and learning things. Gym and youth club are extras he doesn't need but wants to do and that's fab but it can't all fall on you. Even if your partner gets the taxi or bus with him and reads or something for a few hours and then comes back with him. I'm not well and I don't drive but I take my child to ballet and sometimes we go do things in the holidays and of she's busy a few hours il stay and read or go on my phone etc it is doable and I have health issues but it needs to be a joint effort of you all working together.

InYourOwnHead · 21/10/2023 15:46

I think a lot of parents are the same.

For my son, I used to do the school/college run sometimes, activities 3 times a week, then picking up from friends houses maybe once or twice a week. He passed his driving test at 17 and obviously he drove himself everywhere then. 🥳

For my daughter, she's only 14, I do the school drop off/pick up every day and a couple of others lifts a week.

smilesup · 21/10/2023 15:52

Never for school
18 year old college (45 min journey)
16 year old walks to school (25 mins)
13 public bus to school (45 mins.

Activities
18 & 16 get themselves to everything across the city. I will occasionally drive them to athletic meets but y and get them to sort lifts or use trains if in other cities.

13 year old gets buses/trams all over our city. Would die of shame if I took her many places.

They all will walk if not more than 30 mins or cycle if more than that

I have been known to pay for a taxi if coming home very late esp as our area has flare ups of gang shit.

I think independence is very important to resilience.

louisejxxx · 21/10/2023 19:31

Loads of driving every day here too - I think it ultimately comes down to how much you’re prepared to accept. If something will tip you over the edge then say no or that he’ll have to find his own way/see if he can catch a lift.

My 10 year old dd swims so is at the pool 4 times a week, sometimes 5 and in a far away place if she has a gala or a meet. She also does gymnastics twice a week. 13 year old ds trains and has 1 football game a week…he’s also just started hockey but me and his dad play too so we’re usually at the club anyway.

Id be lying if I said I didn’t miss the chaos when we have a week off from everything - when they’re old enough to not want me at their stuff, I’ll miss it.

ThreeCanKeepASecret · 21/10/2023 19:42

Just to work and back which tends to be once a week, to school as even though it is only a ten minute walk we leave at the same time and it is easy for me to go that way.

Any other time they ask but I usually offer (or insist) if it is after 10pm.

StillWantingADog · 21/10/2023 19:47

He sounds a bit like my younger son who is only 8 but also has a really busy XC schedule and of course isn’t old enough to sort himself out yet

i’d hope that by 13 he will be doing less stuff and even if not he can get himself to some of his activities. But if I still have to taxi him I guess I’ll suck it up if it’s sport or otherwise very good for him. Sigh.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 23:40

I would love for my son to do all these activities. If he wasn't he'd maybe just be gaming or smoking weed! Much better he's being productive and pro social.

I can only recommend sitting down with him and making a plan of the week with all the places and ask him who else goes that you could share lifts with - then get him to do the admin of asking his pals if you can tag team with them

Daisyblue77 · 22/10/2023 10:58

Its all part of being a parent, its good he is so active

Reklats · 22/10/2023 12:51

I do feel your pain! My youngest is now 16 and all 3 DCs have done lots of activities, mostly around drama, so all-consuming shows in addition to the weekly stuff. We are rural, so buses are rubbish. I drive my youngest to and from the bus stop for school every day, 3 weeknight activities and both days every weekend. Social stuff is also growing by the day! 🤣 It is a pain, especially given that it’s all on you, but I made my peace with it when my DD, now 20, began to really appreciate it and say that the drama stuff is what she will remember and cherish when she’s older (she’s now at Drama School so making a career from it 😊) Don’t want to sound preachy - I do get it, I actually wanted to move house at one point, I was so fed up of it 🤣 - but maybe try and look at it as helping them to be who they are and become who they’re meant to be. And learning to drive, there’s a whole other terrifying minefield, lol! 🤣😱

Sadforcavtoo · 22/10/2023 21:24

ColouringPencils · 18/10/2023 22:02

He does have a bike, but would have to cycle on big city roads which he is not experienced doing and I would worry about. Plus it is dark, and it's not like I can't take him, I just feel it is a lot of my time.
Where we live, we are handy for buses into the centre, but all of his activities would require getting a second bus out again, which is not far away, just on a different route.

Could you not compromise by driving him into the centre then he get the second bus then meet him again later there

FindingMeno · 22/10/2023 21:26

None.
They are very good at walking and public transport!

lorn195 · 22/10/2023 21:38

Nononsensemumsy · 21/10/2023 11:37

My youngest is extremely sporty and we spent years ferrying him around, it’s so tiring, working plus all the driving but then they turn 17, pass their test, get a car (if they’ve saved enough) then you are suddenly free to spend your evenings worrying about them driving in the dark, in the rain, etc and some nights wishing you could go back and be collecting them at midnight from the middle of nowhere …

This is us at the moment with DS16 and weekends.

Friday night- football training, Saturday afternoon-refereeing matches, Sunday-playing matches.

Usually if he's refereeing a match I would stay and watch if it's a longish drive, otherwise if it's local match, I would drive home, then go pick him up.

He has said if he's playing on Sundays if there are any football matches further afield he could get a lift.

He has now applied for and got his provisional driving licence and is desperate to learn to drive as he knows how much of our time is taken driving him around, but yes we would worry when he's out and about in a car.

Julimia · 22/10/2023 23:15

It wont last forever and you do know they are not hanging on street corners
. Be grateful.

Original poster
ColouringPencils · 24/10/2023 21:56

@Sadforcavtoo good idea, but in our case there wouldn't be any point in just driving him to the centre as it's just as far as going to the actual destination. Our buses are like spokes on a bike, so you have to go into the middle to go out again, even if you are only travelling between two 'spokes'. It is just the Saturday night when he goes beyond the centre and out to the other side, that I could potentially drop him off for a bus. Maybe I will do that when it is lighter. Although I would probably worry the other parents would think I am really mean.

@Julimia yes I should probably be grateful he is not hanging on street corners, and is busy and active. I guess to my mind he is too busy and would benefit from calming down and being in his own company, but then I am 40-something woman and not a 13-year old boy!

OP posts:
Julimia · 24/10/2023 22:05

How can a 13yr old ever be too hysy and why should he caim down ?

Original poster
ColouringPencils · 24/10/2023 22:18

Not having any down time, always going from one activity to the next. Personally I think it is important to have time when you are just being, not doing anything specific. This is when you have new ideas and can think about things. I had a lot of that time when I was 13 and I was happy and never bored.

OP posts:
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