How much driving around of teenagers do you do?

[ColouringPencils]

Trying to decide if I am being moody or if I deserve a break!

I have two teens. Older one does fewer activities and mainly gets herself about. I give her a couple of lifts a week. She's fine!

The younger is 13 and most weeks has an activity 3 week nights, plus Saturday morning and Saturday evening. Two nights plus Saturday AM are for the sport he plays. He trains for 2 hours, so I drop him off, go home, pick up. It feels like it takes over my whole evening. Then he goes to a youth group one night and Scouts another night. These both last two hours too, so I can't hang around then either. I do usually share lifts with another parent for these.

In the context of him having three hobbies, I don't think it sounds that bad. Also one of the sports sessions is him volunteer coaching, which counts towards his Duke of Edinburgh award.

On top of this he will get the bus from school to the gym and ask me to collect him once or twice a week. I also take him to the gym on Sunday. This has only been since the summer when our local leisure centre closed. He used to walk to the gym, so I feel bad saying no to that. We also live very near a park and he goes there a lot, although less so when it is dark in the evening. At the moment he can still get an hour or so in after school and often meets friends there on the nights he doesn't go to the gym (ie before he goes out to other activity), as well as both Saturday and Sunday for several hours. Every couple of weeks he has a match with school, but he gets the public bus home from those, unless another parent offers him a lift. He also does a couple of after-school clubs and gets the bus home.

This weekend he has two extra, fun activities, that I had already said I can take him to. This will take up Friday night and Saturday afternoon (on top of the usual Saturday morning and Saturday evening!). He has just asked about a third extra activity, where I would also have to pick up other kids, and I feel murderous!

For context, I work full time and DH is both unwell and unable to drive, so all the lifts are on me.

Now that I have typed this all out I feel absolutely sure IANBU and also that he is doing way too much stuff. Is anyone else in the same boat? Help?

A lot.

We live rural-ish with rubbish public transport that doesn’t really work unless you just want to go into one town and back - you have to change buses if you want to go anywhere else, usually with a 45 minute wait at the bus station - and be home by 6pm

We chose to live where we do, so we suck it up.

We paid for DD1’s driving lessons so she could sort herself out.

DD2 has a medical condition than bans her from driving for the time being. She’s got a disability bus pass and uses the bus where she can - to and from college, etc, but we’re always driving her to various places. Her boyfriend can drive so it’s a lot less than it used to be now though.

Mine is the reverse- we stayed rural (took over family farm) but I promised myself that our location wouldn't impact on my children in the same way it impacted me.

I just keep telling myself it won't be forever- I do about 600 miles a week (and lots of waiting around as often even 2 hour training session isn't worth driving home for)

Thankfully I've only 1dc as I couldn't commit to another teen if they had the same schedule. Dc trains for a club 3 nights per week (2hours per session) and then another club one evening (1hr). Also trains every Sunday and then once a month has a competition on a weekend day which usually lasts the whole day and can involve travel cross county. Then there's daily pick up from train station after school and then to and from social activities.

All the driving, all the time :D

Carpools with local families doing the same activities helps a lot though

Otherwise, if its not worth driving home and back again to collect, i always have my kindle in the car, so I make it into me-time :D

I will usually drive them if it would be more than double the time by public transport (or unsafe or, for one activity, completely impossible). It works out at about twice a week, the rest they do by tube/bus/train. It’s a major reason we stayed in London and didn’t move further out for a bigger house.

Also, I think being a single parent or a parent where your DP can't help out makes it worse. DH and I both drive and are more or less around so we can share the lifts (although it's two children). If your DH can't drive then that will be adding to the effort for you.

we have one day where it is doable for one of us to do both DC... but we worked out that even though it's all relatively local, based on traffic and timings, whoever did it would be in the car for 3 hours. At least when we split it, we can get the shopping done (both activities are near large supermarkets), get dinner prepared etc.

I had a horse as a teenager and my poor mum used to have to drive me the yard, home again and then come pick me up every single day until I learned to drive. She also used to run me to friend’s houses etc. I’m very grateful that she did that for me 🥰

I think you just have to muddle through. It sounds like such a healthy lifestyle compared to what we might believe about teens these days. Just look at it a week at a time and try to combine independent travel, cadging lifts, maybe staying over at a friend's, getting halfway by himself then doing a quick pick-up.
It's not too long before he'll have to get into public exam mode and revision times so it might quieten down a bit then. And before you know it he'll be driving....and then a rather different worry starts!

We live rurally with no bus so I do everything, to school bus, all activities and to and from ds work. I am counting down until he starts driving in January! I'm have got used it over the years and it is our choice to live where we do so just suck it up now.

I never did much driving teens around as I grew up with parents not having a car, and living in a town centre with regular buses it wasn't a problem. My teens did the same unless it was absolutely necessary for me to occasionally pick them up.

Can you carpool with other parents going to the same clubs/activities? Or could your child get the bus there and be picked up on the way home?

I would say that the implications of him stopping doing these activities is worse than the hassle of taking him all over. All these activities are beneficial to him, his me Tal and physical health and his development as a good human. Maybe there’s alternative ways he can get here or there, or you could arrange a more formal lift rota with other parents? If that’s not possible though, I think you continue. It’ll stop eventually.

@Branster

but when is OP supposed to do activities that are good for her health, like going to the gym? She matters too! There needs to be more of a balance

@Trakand01

but when is OP supposed to do activities that are good for her health, like going to the gym? She matters too! There needs to be more of a balance

I understand why it would annoy you, but at the same time I would be happy that my child was keeping busy and not getting up to no good. If that means dropping them then so be it.
I do get you need time too though.

Looking after our foster son is really my full time job. I still do sometimes get tired though with all the driving.

When I was a teenager it was my responsibility to get to places on my own. I mostly walked, took the train or bus. Rarely got a lift from parents.

I think he's old enough now to take on board that sometimes he's not going to be able to rely on you for that many lifts a week. If he wants to do anything extra he needs to learn to negotiate with a friend for their parent to give him a lift somewhere or bring him home.

I did it for my three. When it became unmanageable I gave them an activities budget and what they chose had to fit within it. I also insisted on one free weekend day and one free evening a week most weeks, rehearsals might push this up occasionally but as a rule that's what I wanted and it was mostly just me doing the runs.
They're all older now, one moved out, one drives and only one needs lifts but doesn't do any clubs.
Do I miss it? No
My older two get cross that the youngest, 15, gets more lifts, they were mostly self sufficient from age 11 by necessity but so much friends in where you live and how far they need to go for activities. Also an occasional lift and a negotiable time is preferable to the 7pm drop off and 8pm pick up, or later on a Friday night.
You've just got to do what works for you as a family.

I spent hours ferrying around our 2 DS until they passed their test which we did as soon as possible. Honestly i would rather ferry them around and have them do constructive stuff than go out and about by themselves and get mixed up in hanging around bored, get in trouble or worse. Its a short time and soon passes.

Thank you, everyone, you have given me a lot to think about and also realise maybe things are quite as bad as they seem. Some of you are incredible! I hope your children are very grateful and you get some time for yourselves too.

I do enjoy the chats in the car with both my kids. Just today I picked my DD up and we stayed in the car for about 10 mins after parking up, finishing off our conversation. And a couple of days ago my DS told me something upsetting that he was worried about a friend of his, that I don't think he would have shared if it hadn't been for that setting.

I put my foot down about the third extra activity this weekend and feel a bit bad about it, but work has been so busy this week too and I just feel so bloody knackered.

Don’t know if it’s been suggested but surely an easy one if busses go to city centre from you is to switch his gym to one in the centre? That frees up many car lifts.

That's insane if you live in an urban area. Get him a bike, and get your life back.

This.
Mine are adults now but we live rurally with zero public transport and for many years life revolved around lifts.
At 17 they both learned to drive, as do all country kids. They were insured on my car and that took a bit of the load. However they were not allowed to give or take lifts and obviously not for nights out.
DH was a hero and did all the late night pick ups including NYE for years.
Even now if DS comes home and goes out to meet friends in another village we will do lifts.

DD18 has just passed her test and we’ve bought a small car for her and I’ve got so much more time on my hands! She did a lot of singing/drama related activities (4 days a week) in the next town, along with going to college there (10 miles away - 20 mins by car, but 1.5 hour by public transport) and we live semi-rural with a poor bus service. She also had a job that she needed driving to as public transport wasn’t an option.

She caught public transport to and from college but I drove her everywhere else.
I miss it! The car journeys were where we got to catch up. She’s a busy 18 year old who is either at work or out and I hardly see her now. Think of it as quality time together.

To clarify, I work part time and may feel differently if I was full time. DH is full time and always offers when he’s available and I sometimes ask him to (and he’s more than happy to do the running around), but I enjoy the time together (also with DD15 who does less activities by choice but would often come out for the ride when collecting her sister!)