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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Found condoms in DD room - what to do????

84 replies

Wallingtonhall · 30/09/2023 18:46

DD is 17.5 and we’re having a bit of a tricky time with her. Teen stuff. She’s ok at sixth form and has a cafe job for spends. Generally keeps to curfew but I found evidence of cannabis use a few months ago. We had a huge emotional few days which didn’t end satisfactorily. She is probably still using it and I could only explain the risks. And hope she’s sensible going forward.

I suspect she vapes/smokes too but no point in discussing as she will not engage about her private life as she puts it. At almost 18 there is not much I can do. I can’t ground her. I can’t force her to be open with us.

we have an uneasy truce at the moment. I don’t know any of her friends as her sixth form is in the next town.She says she doesn’t have a BF. Anyway was putting some clean clothes in her room today, moved her tote bag and 2 (unused) condoms fell out.

I am half wondering if she picked them up at college or from a venue(she goes to lots of gigs). In some ways I’m pleased she’s taking precautions (if she actually is having sex) but don’t know if I should say something about the condoms. They weren’t hidden but I know she will accuse me of snooping. And I really can’t face a big row. Which is what will happen.

I did ask her recently if there was a boy in the scene. She said not so no idea.

Do I keep quiet? Sit on the info for a while and have a general convo about contraception? Help!

OP posts:
Menomave · 30/09/2023 21:04

'This is definitely going to be my approach as mine get a bit older.'

@ShineBright1209 (I don't know if I copied your reply properly - I have no idea how to do it!) but all I could do was try my best to keep the channels open. Not going to lie, it was a shock, but I wasn't going to stick my head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening. Some work colleagues said 'I wouldn't allow it under my roof' but that wouldn't stop her and she was over age, so I went down the educational root instead. I just wanted her to be safe and not risk unwanted pregnancy or disease and was so thankful she was using condoms in the first place. The conversation between my husband and I was literally 'bad news is she's having sex at a young age; good news is she's being safe'. We had absolutely no idea so we were both slightly shell shocked! Her sister is 2 years younger so obviously learned a lot and got used to the bf staying over. They're very close so I'm assuming they've had sisterly chats about sex etc so I didn't have to have the same conversation twice. Younger daughter also lived at Uni for 3 years so lived her own life. As far as I'm aware she's never had a steady boyfriend and I don't know if she's ever had sex (not going to ask) but I trust her enough to know if she was going to have sex, she'd be safe. Her dad struggles with the thought because she's his baby

Berthatydfil · 30/09/2023 21:08

Shes 18 not 14 - shes an adult. Its none of your business. Respect that and respect the fact shes protecting herself

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/09/2023 21:35

@Wallingtonhall I remember this age as being hard to navigate, almost an adult but still so vulnerable.

You haven’t done anything wrong and all you need to do is be there to talk if she wants to. If she’s having sex she’s likely being safe.

dancingorange · 30/09/2023 21:36

Erm.. poke holes in them if you want grandkids young? Seriously what would you do she's 17 and practicing safe sex..

HamBone · 30/09/2023 23:03

I know it’s a tricky conversation, but I’m really surprised how many posters seem to think that condoms alone are adequate contraception for teenagers-or am I misunderstanding posts? I was a late starter, didn’t have sex until 19 and I was on the Pill. I also used condoms until I was in a LTR in my 20’s.

I’ve advised my DD (18) to double-up on contraception, especially at this age. Is this over-cautious?

WrongSwanson · 30/09/2023 23:11

HamBone · 30/09/2023 23:03

I know it’s a tricky conversation, but I’m really surprised how many posters seem to think that condoms alone are adequate contraception for teenagers-or am I misunderstanding posts? I was a late starter, didn’t have sex until 19 and I was on the Pill. I also used condoms until I was in a LTR in my 20’s.

I’ve advised my DD (18) to double-up on contraception, especially at this age. Is this over-cautious?

I'm also surprised that people are only focussing on the prevention of pregnancy/STDs and not on issues around consent and setting boundaries. To me those conversations are just as important.

mrshenny · 30/09/2023 23:25

What she does is none of your business at almost 18. I would keep quiet and be silently relieved she is using protection!

HamBone · 01/10/2023 00:15

@WrongSwanson Good point. As I said upthread, we tend to talk about all sorts in my family, so it’s not a conversation that would stop once they hit 16, more like 18 for us.

WrongSwanson · 01/10/2023 00:24

HamBone · 01/10/2023 00:15

@WrongSwanson Good point. As I said upthread, we tend to talk about all sorts in my family, so it’s not a conversation that would stop once they hit 16, more like 18 for us.

Same. I've always talked openly about stuff and have made sure I have introduced topics around consent and boundaries etc in very gentle ways since they were very young (eg in relation to friendships etc).

I dont want to police their behaviour but I do want to help them make informed decisions.

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