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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Found condoms in DD room - what to do????

84 replies

Wallingtonhall · 30/09/2023 18:46

DD is 17.5 and we’re having a bit of a tricky time with her. Teen stuff. She’s ok at sixth form and has a cafe job for spends. Generally keeps to curfew but I found evidence of cannabis use a few months ago. We had a huge emotional few days which didn’t end satisfactorily. She is probably still using it and I could only explain the risks. And hope she’s sensible going forward.

I suspect she vapes/smokes too but no point in discussing as she will not engage about her private life as she puts it. At almost 18 there is not much I can do. I can’t ground her. I can’t force her to be open with us.

we have an uneasy truce at the moment. I don’t know any of her friends as her sixth form is in the next town.She says she doesn’t have a BF. Anyway was putting some clean clothes in her room today, moved her tote bag and 2 (unused) condoms fell out.

I am half wondering if she picked them up at college or from a venue(she goes to lots of gigs). In some ways I’m pleased she’s taking precautions (if she actually is having sex) but don’t know if I should say something about the condoms. They weren’t hidden but I know she will accuse me of snooping. And I really can’t face a big row. Which is what will happen.

I did ask her recently if there was a boy in the scene. She said not so no idea.

Do I keep quiet? Sit on the info for a while and have a general convo about contraception? Help!

OP posts:
Mariposista · 30/09/2023 19:27

She is over the age of consent and is apparently arming herself with protection - sensible girl.
The weed thing and outbursts is what you need to address.

mycatsanutter · 30/09/2023 19:29

I have navigated teenage years with my daughter and sons and it's a time of worry and mithers . But you really can't comment on the condoms , she could be on the pill too but you wouldn't know unless you found them or she told you . I know it might seem like 5 mins since she was a kid prancing around in her room but in reality it's 4-5 years . All you can do is pick your battles and keep the lines of communication open .

Sprogonthetyne · 30/09/2023 19:30

Just leave it. She doesn't need a safe sex talk if she's using condoms.

WrongSwanson · 30/09/2023 19:30

I think I would mainly be happy she had them available

Ideally it is something you can talk openly about , including ensuring she feels confident to practice safe sex and able to say no if it doesn't feel comfortable or like something she wants to do.

In relation to cannabis, this would bother me more because of its links to mental health problems. I wish I had been better warned of the specific risks. In particular the links to schizophrenia. One of my peer group became incredibly ill. And I have seen many other bright and brilliant people lose any sense of motivation from too much cannabis. Calm non judgemental conversations about things to consider/be alert to would be a good idea. But it's not clear whether you would be able to do that?

SillySausagez · 30/09/2023 19:31

Youd probably notice if she was heavily using cannabis, there’s quite a difference between a quick smoke each week with close friends and heavy dependant lone usage.

The condoms show a level of responsibility

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/09/2023 19:32

Be grateful your DD is a sensible girl!

SillySausagez · 30/09/2023 19:33

If you are worried about the cannabis use forward factual online links to her. Education to help her make better choices.

MrsMarzetti · 30/09/2023 19:34

Not your business.

Frenchfancy · 30/09/2023 19:36

Stop going in her room! And be thankful you have a sensible DD.

And frankly if she is old enough to have sex she is old enough to do her own laundry.

Londonscallingme · 30/09/2023 19:37

Don’t say anything. She’s almost 18 and if she is having sex, it would appear she’s using condoms. I see from PPs that you’ve had ‘the chat’ with her previously, so there’s nothing to add I don’t think. She’s not going to want to talk to you about her sex life if she won’t talk to you about vaping.

Menomave · 30/09/2023 19:40

As someone who's had the conversation, I'd find the right time and have a fairly casual conversation about it. Don't go on the offensive; just have an adult conversation. Tell her you weren't snooping and found them completely by accident (I found a used one while emptying DD's bin - she was 16 and had a boyfriend). Tell her you don't want to pry but that you're glad she has them as she's being responsible. Also let her know you're open to any questions and will be non-judgemental.

My DD initially went on the defence because she thought I'd 'ban' her from having sex. What I did was explain that condoms can fail and she should use two forms or contraception, and offered to drive her up to the family planning clinic to arrange for the pill or implant. Some people disagreed with my approach but she would've had sex with or without my consent and I'd rather she be safe and open with me. She was very relieved.

I know our situations are different - she's generally well behaved and doesn't smoke or do drugs, she can just throw massive strops around her time of the month - but that's my advice. She's now 24 and we have a good relationship, she knows she can come to me if she needs to. Only you would have half an idea how your daughter would react.

I wish you luck x

Original poster
Wallingtonhall · 30/09/2023 19:41

It’s just new territory and I want to do the right thing. My parents were very hands off for various reasons and I think I had too much freedom. I don’t want to be intrusive. I’m just trying to find a happy medium.

I’ll ignore it then and hope for the best. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 30/09/2023 19:51

Wallingtonhall · 30/09/2023 18:52

We have had the conversation about sex years ago. And yes she will know it all. I suppose I thought I should talk about being safe, if she needs to go pill maybe. Don’t know! New territory for me!

She is being safe?!
You had the convo years ago she had condoms she is being responsible. You need to back of a little and not pry .
This is actually none of your business .

Butterfly898 · 30/09/2023 19:56

I wouldn’t encourage any young girl to take hormonal contraception. I feel I lost years of my life to the fog of being on the pill, and many of my friends feel the same. If you’ve already had the conversation with her about safe sex, leave it alone.

ActDottie · 30/09/2023 20:03

She’s 17.5 she most likely is having sex and that’s fine. You don’t need to have a conversation with her. I’d have gone livid as a teenager if my mum did this and I would accuse you of snooping!

LickYouLikeACrispPacket · 30/09/2023 20:15

You think about what a smart daughter you have for having access to contraception and then back off.
You are way too late to think about ‘chats’

ShineBright1209 · 30/09/2023 20:21

Menomave · 30/09/2023 19:40

As someone who's had the conversation, I'd find the right time and have a fairly casual conversation about it. Don't go on the offensive; just have an adult conversation. Tell her you weren't snooping and found them completely by accident (I found a used one while emptying DD's bin - she was 16 and had a boyfriend). Tell her you don't want to pry but that you're glad she has them as she's being responsible. Also let her know you're open to any questions and will be non-judgemental.

My DD initially went on the defence because she thought I'd 'ban' her from having sex. What I did was explain that condoms can fail and she should use two forms or contraception, and offered to drive her up to the family planning clinic to arrange for the pill or implant. Some people disagreed with my approach but she would've had sex with or without my consent and I'd rather she be safe and open with me. She was very relieved.

I know our situations are different - she's generally well behaved and doesn't smoke or do drugs, she can just throw massive strops around her time of the month - but that's my advice. She's now 24 and we have a good relationship, she knows she can come to me if she needs to. Only you would have half an idea how your daughter would react.

I wish you luck x

This is definitely going to be my approach as mine get a bit older.

openallday · 30/09/2023 20:24

Just leave it. It's not your place to interfere with this

Bellyblueboy · 30/09/2023 20:25

You are unreasonable for saying ‘spends’.

You are also unreasonable for think your very nearly adult daughter sex life is your business.

FreeRider · 30/09/2023 20:32

My mother thought she could control me and my sex life up until the day I left home at 21...when I got married just to get away from her and my father. 34 years later I'm sure she still thinks I was a virgin on my wedding day (of course I wasn't).

Your daughter is well above the age of consent and nearly legally an adult. You say nothing and mind your own business going forward.

Goodthingsahead82 · 30/09/2023 20:37

When I read the title I thought I'd come here and read that your daughter is 15 or something. She's 17! Nothing to say to her and she's being careful which is good X

PinkRoses1245 · 30/09/2023 20:38

She’s not a teen, she’s an adult. Leave her to it.

itsgettingweird · 30/09/2023 20:38

She's over the age of consent.

She has condoms so is obviously aware of safe sex.

As hard as it is when our children develop lives away from us and make decisions we don't agree with you are going to have to just let this go.

The only solution I have is that if seeing things in her room upsets you as you learn stuff you don't want to know - she collects her own washing and takes it to her room. (I've been making ds do this since he was 11 purely because I'm not his slave!)

itsgettingweird · 30/09/2023 20:39

DaisyWaldron · 30/09/2023 19:00

I think if she has her own personal Roman, it's probably a good thing that she has condoms 😀

😂😂😂

HamBone · 30/09/2023 20:42

Menomave · 30/09/2023 19:40

As someone who's had the conversation, I'd find the right time and have a fairly casual conversation about it. Don't go on the offensive; just have an adult conversation. Tell her you weren't snooping and found them completely by accident (I found a used one while emptying DD's bin - she was 16 and had a boyfriend). Tell her you don't want to pry but that you're glad she has them as she's being responsible. Also let her know you're open to any questions and will be non-judgemental.

My DD initially went on the defence because she thought I'd 'ban' her from having sex. What I did was explain that condoms can fail and she should use two forms or contraception, and offered to drive her up to the family planning clinic to arrange for the pill or implant. Some people disagreed with my approach but she would've had sex with or without my consent and I'd rather she be safe and open with me. She was very relieved.

I know our situations are different - she's generally well behaved and doesn't smoke or do drugs, she can just throw massive strops around her time of the month - but that's my advice. She's now 24 and we have a good relationship, she knows she can come to me if she needs to. Only you would have half an idea how your daughter would react.

I wish you luck x

@Menomave That’s basically what I did with my DD, offered her support if she needed it and she was fine. She wasn’t angry or thought I was prying.