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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Found condoms in DD room - what to do????

84 replies

Wallingtonhall · 30/09/2023 18:46

DD is 17.5 and we’re having a bit of a tricky time with her. Teen stuff. She’s ok at sixth form and has a cafe job for spends. Generally keeps to curfew but I found evidence of cannabis use a few months ago. We had a huge emotional few days which didn’t end satisfactorily. She is probably still using it and I could only explain the risks. And hope she’s sensible going forward.

I suspect she vapes/smokes too but no point in discussing as she will not engage about her private life as she puts it. At almost 18 there is not much I can do. I can’t ground her. I can’t force her to be open with us.

we have an uneasy truce at the moment. I don’t know any of her friends as her sixth form is in the next town.She says she doesn’t have a BF. Anyway was putting some clean clothes in her room today, moved her tote bag and 2 (unused) condoms fell out.

I am half wondering if she picked them up at college or from a venue(she goes to lots of gigs). In some ways I’m pleased she’s taking precautions (if she actually is having sex) but don’t know if I should say something about the condoms. They weren’t hidden but I know she will accuse me of snooping. And I really can’t face a big row. Which is what will happen.

I did ask her recently if there was a boy in the scene. She said not so no idea.

Do I keep quiet? Sit on the info for a while and have a general convo about contraception? Help!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 30/09/2023 19:02

I used to work in a college and condoms are frequently given out to students. They all took them, but most of them didn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

theduchessofspork · 30/09/2023 19:03

Why on earth would you mention it to her?!

She’s over the edge of consent, there is literally nothing to say.

It does sound like the relationship difficulties are at least partly caused by you if you are this bad with boundaries.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 30/09/2023 19:03

Be pleased she is being sensible and looking after her health?

I mean, seriously?! She's nearly 18.

Mojodojocasahaus · 30/09/2023 19:04

DaisyWaldron · 30/09/2023 19:00

I think if she has her own personal Roman, it's probably a good thing that she has condoms 😀

😂😂😂

ErinAndTonic · 30/09/2023 19:05

Don't say anything.. she's coming up 18 so I'm not sure what needs to be said? I'd also stop asking if there's a boy on the scene - she's more likely to tell you if you're not grilling her.

She's not 14, so not doing anything wrong here. Even though I can imagine it's a bit uncomfortable/scary for you!

JanglingJack · 30/09/2023 19:05

I thought she was going to 14 or something. She's fine, she's an adult, she's taking precautions. Don't do anything.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 30/09/2023 19:05

Say nothing and congratulate yourself on bring up a sensible young woman.

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 19:06

Tell her how proud you are that she is practicing safe sex. Ask if she’d like her boyfriend to stay over as she’s clearly having sex with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2023 19:07

Your almost 18 year old child's sex life is none of your business.

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/09/2023 19:11

She's nearly an adult. Be glad she's taking precautions.

Cognitivedisonance · 30/09/2023 19:13

There really is zero need for you to embarrass her. It’s completely her business and anything she wants to look up is available online. If she was much younger then I’d be concerned and want to check she wasn’t being exploited by an older man or something but at this age they’re all worldly wise and it’s better to wait for them to offer you an update if they’re in a serious relationship. In my experience there is more likely to be something a lot more casual going on so you will not be required to be involved in any way like meeting a partner or something. I’d say nothing.

Hellocatshome · 30/09/2023 19:13

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 19:06

Tell her how proud you are that she is practicing safe sex. Ask if she’d like her boyfriend to stay over as she’s clearly having sex with him.

Do not do this!

Original poster
Wallingtonhall · 30/09/2023 19:13

Some big assumptions being made. I put clean laundry in everyone’s room and no one complains. We don’t have space to leave it to pile up.

Curfew…it’s not something we have imposed. Probably the wrong term. It’s the time she says she’ll be back, we live quite quite away from town so she often travels back alone in a taxi. She’s able to stay out as long as she likes tbh.

It’s easy to be critical but If you’ve had a teen girl and navigated them merging into an adult, without any struggles or conflict then good for you. This time between leaving school and going to university isn’t plain sailing for us all. I’m just trying to navigate it.

5 minutes ago she was making dances up in her bedroom and now she’s having sex and using drugs potentially. excuse me if I’m a bit wobbly. I’m just asking for advice.

OP posts:
autumnpumpkinlattes · 30/09/2023 19:15

She says she doesn’t have a BF. Anyway was putting some clean clothes in her room today, moved her tote bag and 2 (unused) condoms fell out.

I did ask her recently if there was a boy in the scene. She said not so no idea.

There doesn't really need to be a boyfriend or boy in the picture though to be having sex. It could just be her being safe for any casual encounters. Sorry you may not want to hear that as a mum but it happens.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 30/09/2023 19:17

I remember what I was like at 17….

NoTouch · 30/09/2023 19:18

The good old putting clean clothes away and accidently found something excuse 🤣. You were snooping, own it. She is nearly 18 and she gets to choose if she shares any information about her private life with you.

As a parent it is hard but snooping is going to make her more secretive and put a wedge between you that could be permanent (been there with my own snooping mum). Keep out of her room entirely if you will be tempted not to respect her space. You had 17 years to raise her, now at the cusp of adulthood, you need to trust and hope what you taught will guide her and the relationship you developed with her is such she knows she can come to you and not be judged if she needs advice.

HamBone · 30/09/2023 19:18

My DD is a year older than yours and
I'm surprised that people are saying that the ship has sailed re. discussing contraception as we still have periodic conversations about it. Teenagers are so fertile and personally, I don’t think condoms are enough.

Over the summer, for example, I suggested that if DD wanted to go on a longterm form of contraception, it might be a good idea to get it sorted out before she left for university. I’ve no idea whether she did, but there’s nothing wrong with chatting about it.

Same with vapes and cannabis, I’m not completely ignorant on the subject and I’ve shared my experiences/friends’ experiences.

As long as your DD knows that she can talk openly with you without judgement, it’ll be fine. Perhaps we’re just a chatty family, it sounds as if others aren’t to the same extent!

Hunsmet · 30/09/2023 19:20

The idea of your children having sex is never going to be appealing.

That said, given that your daughter is 17, you need to back right off, including when it comes to her cannabis use. I hate cannabis, btw. It's fine to tell her that you are not happy about it, and to point out the risks. Same goes for smoking and vaping and risky sex, if she tells you that this is what she's doing. But you need to be someone she feels she can talk to when she makes mistakes (and she will make mistakes). You will not be this person unless you take a big step back now.

Coffeedrinker7 · 30/09/2023 19:21

You sound like a lovely concerned mum and I totally get why you would be shocked, especially if you know she doesn’t have a serious boyfriend. I think as others said the best thing to do is keep quiet and be pleased she is making sensible choices. It may well be a ‘just in case’ thing anyway (but don’t be tempted to check again in a few weeks to see if they’ve disappeared!!)

I would say the best thing you can do is try to build your relationship with her- ask her about her life and be interested but don’t be upset if she doesn’t want to tell you. Create opportunities for you to spend time together such as taking her out to lunch/ suggesting a shopping day/taking her to the theatre. I have been doing this to build my relationship with my 15yo and I think it’s working. I also tend to throw in the odd cautionary tale about something I did/ a ‘friend’ did when I was her age, in the hope it sinks in or gets her to open up!

HamBone · 30/09/2023 19:21

Also, what’s wrong with a curfew? DD had a midnight curfew last year, it didn’t stifle her social life, she was always out!

Now she’s 18 and at university, she does what she likes, of course.

HamBone · 30/09/2023 19:25

@Coffeedrinker7 Yes, it does sound as if some posters don’t have a particularly open relationship with their teenagers. I did with my Mum and DD does with me. Glad that you have with your DD as well. I don’t think it’s so unusual, tbh.

AmazingSnakeHead · 30/09/2023 19:25

If it's any consolation, I was a pretty good teenager: straight As, generally polite, had a job. I still smoked weed, smoked cigarettes and had sex, though. And I turned out fine! It's not comfortable to think about because for you her childhood probably feels like yesterday. But the thing is, to her, it feels like a lifetime ago. She is an almost adult now and it's normal and natural for her to be experimenting with these things. I'd simply stay quiet, what would actually be the point of you telling her? If she wanted to share her sex life with you then she would. She hasn't, so she doesn't, and telling her you found condoms won't move her to open up.

Jesseweneedtocook · 30/09/2023 19:25

Here's what you do. You leave your basically adult daughter alone. She's not bring disruptive by the sounds of things and she's using contraception. If she wants advice from you she will come and ask for it.

As for smoking a bit of weed that's also perfectly normal and it's better than getting blackout drunk all the time.

CurlewKate · 30/09/2023 19:26

You do absolutely nothing-except thank whatever gods you worship that she's using condoms.

YukoandHiro · 30/09/2023 19:27

I think at 17 you say nothing and chat to her instead about the rest of her social life and see what emerges