Close to dropping out of college

Bringbackthetoddlers · 2023-09-27T23:49:14+00:00

DS17 has just started A levels and hates the college here goes to. He's been genuinely ill but skipped some lessons too, hates his timetable, and hasn't made any friends. I don't really know why it's gone so badly, it's a good college. Tbh I think he surprised himself (and us if I'm honest) that he actually got the grades to go. We thought we'd be automatically into finding something else for him to do. He's fairly adament he doesn't want to continue but has no idea what he does want to do. But he's not helping himself by not turning up to lessons. There's been lots of miscommunication, as well as some mishaps that haven't been his fault, but I'm so worried he's going to get kicked out, and then what happens? Trying to arrange a meeting for him with his tutor, but the communication has not been great on both sides! I just feel like I'm watching a car crash unfold. Gah, sorry. Just needed to moan I think, so I can get some sleep!

DustyLee123 · 28/09/2023 07:24

He needs to be looking at apprenticeships or for a job, you don’t want him doing nothing.
I think some kids go to college and Uni because it’s what’s expected, or it’s what you do at that age. Many are realising now that it’s not for them.

Floraltears · 28/09/2023 07:36

Can he change courses and learn a skill rather than do A-levels?

Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 28/09/2023 08:06

Sadly I think he just doesn't want to do education. He just wants to work. I've just been trying to encourage him to stay on the course until he finds something else, but this seems to be causing issues due to his time-table. He does have 3hr breaks between lessons and has no idea what to do with himself for that period of time. I know he could sit and do College work but it does seem quite an extensive period of time to me, when you don't know anyone. Maybe I'm too soft around this but I know I'd have hated this too.

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DustyLee123 · 28/09/2023 08:17

If he’s not going to stay and finish the course, there’s no point him going in any more. Get some CV’s printed and send him out to get a job, while he thinks what he wants to do.

Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 01/10/2023 16:38

Yeah I'm just struggling with whether to make him carry on until he finds something else or let him quit. He's really down about it.

I'd just really like him to give it a proper go for a couple of weeks, so he doesn't regret it in the future.

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LadyHag · 01/10/2023 16:43

Opni raised a thread regarding dd distraught at college but this is re not knowing anyone.... busy at mo, can't reply in depth but it's bloody awful and hard x

Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 01/10/2023 16:52

Thanks @LadyHag would be happy to share stories later when you have time. My DS doesn't know anyone either and I think this is a huge part of it, together with a very unforgiving timetable.

It's getting worse because he's now saying he just feels really down about life in general. Worried now he's not going to want to work either!

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Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 03/10/2023 20:26

How are you getting on with your dd @LadyHag? DS has come down with a stinking cold which isn't helping. He just seems so lost, freaks at all the work he has to catch up on, but then has a big arrogant streak, and has a complete Kevin and Perry moment where it's all pointless, everyone else's fault and it's all just so unfair that he has to do anything at all!
But he keeps saying it's not just college - he seems really down about life in general, is now not liking the thought of any alternative. Torn between worrying he's getting depressed and wanting to give him a kick up the backside

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DarkChocHolic · 03/10/2023 21:07

@Bringbackthetoddlers
Many teens struggle with 6th form/college transition (mine included).
Your DS has also been unwell so all the more harder for him.
Would he see the GP for a chat?
He may need help physically and emotionally.
Try and get to half term, recharge, if he would have a chat about goals.
I saw another post where this gave me some great ideas about sitting down and setting goals with teens who ate struggling to give them direction.
It's very hard but I sort of am trying to do this with DD.
Rather than academic goals, I have started with fun goals and health goals
Hopefully once they have a map of goals they can start to visualise what they need do
But I would recommend using half term for rest, recharge, fun and maybe slowly thinking next steps.

SmokedCheese · 03/10/2023 21:23

Get him some careers advice through the college. They will be able to look at his strengths and advise on apprenticeships and other options. T levels might also be of interest?

Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 03/10/2023 21:52

Thank you @DarkChocHolic short term goal setting feels like a good and achievable plan. Anything longer term and he's lost in morbid thoughts that he's never going to enjoy life because it's all hard work (stuffing socks in my mouth to stop me saying suck it up buttercup!).

I'm just longing for him to find something to aspire to, and people to be inspired by! And to be grateful of the opportunities he has. I know it's a common teenage thing, but by god you'd think I was sending him down the mines!

I do want him to be looking for apprenticeships. But he's now so far behind, he has to keep to his agreement to do the catch up work and all the procrastination that goes with that, he's not really got time to look. But thank you for reminding me half term is only a few weeks away (I can't believe it really, he's barely started!) that might be a good opportunity then.

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Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 03/10/2023 21:53

SmokedCheese · 03/10/2023 21:23

Get him some careers advice through the college. They will be able to look at his strengths and advise on apprenticeships and other options. T levels might also be of interest?

Thank you, yes, he's got that available and I hope someone can get through to him that they can help.

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Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 04/10/2023 18:05

Oh god an awful day today. Late due to traffic, then crippling anxiety at the thought of walking in to the class late. Broke down in tears outside his class. I missed his call then he's wandered around the campus and then town in tears and made his way home. Actually sobbed on me saying he's messed everything up. He's not cried since primary school. He's angry and disappointed with himself that he didn't have the strength to walk in. This is so unlike him, I've always thought of him as pretty confident.

He says he doesn't want to quit or be a drop out though, or see the gp yet. He's going to try again tomorrow 😬

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DarkChocHolic · 04/10/2023 18:43

@Bringbackthetoddlers
Awww...that must be hard for him and even more so for you.
But tell him you are proud he wants to try again tomorrow.

QuickFetchTheCoffee · 04/10/2023 18:55

Just seen this. Going through similar with DD. She will be doing a taster week for a Level 2 BTEC starting on Monday (have had thread about our fun times with organising this). DD has SEND so will be getting support to make sure this year is about adjusting to college rather than achieving a qualification.
Can you or/and your DS speak to Learner Support, Inclusions or even the Pastoral team to see what can be done to support him as he clearly needs something.

Big hugs sent to you as well. I have been in bits almost as much as DD while trying to find a way through this, it's awful seeing your child feeling hopeless like this.

Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 04/10/2023 18:59

Thanks @DarkChocHolic really appreciate your reply. I have told him I'm proud he's wanting to go in and that he emailed the pastoral person to say he was struggling with his mental health and that he was really sorry he went home. Slightly fuming they haven't replied to that but sent a slightly shirty and totaly unsympathetic different email calling him out on more non-attendance. I'm hoping it's because they've not seen the one he sent, but it's not filling me with confidence that they are really on the ball.

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ildaogden · 04/10/2023 19:03

Hi my dd dropped out of college after about 4 months, she basically made a mistake in choosing the wrong course. She found the work too hard and was so stressed every day she didn't make friends.
She got a part time job for a while and then returned to college the following September having decided on a completely different course!
She is like a different person, enjoying the work and has made a few friends ( this has helped a lot).
They can stay at college till 19 so all is not lost yet. I know quite a few students who have done this. She is so much more mature now in her attitude to study.
I was v worried at the time, her dropping out but it's worked out for the best.

Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 04/10/2023 19:06

QuickFetchTheCoffee · 04/10/2023 18:55

Just seen this. Going through similar with DD. She will be doing a taster week for a Level 2 BTEC starting on Monday (have had thread about our fun times with organising this). DD has SEND so will be getting support to make sure this year is about adjusting to college rather than achieving a qualification.
Can you or/and your DS speak to Learner Support, Inclusions or even the Pastoral team to see what can be done to support him as he clearly needs something.

Big hugs sent to you as well. I have been in bits almost as much as DD while trying to find a way through this, it's awful seeing your child feeling hopeless like this.

Thanks @QuickFetchTheCoffee I'm sorry you're going through it too with your dd. It's horrible but I'm glad she's got support lined up.

I'll see how he goes tomorrow. If it all falls apart I'm actually looking forward to helping him find something else to do. We just don't seem to have time while he's trying to attend and catch up on the courses he's on now.

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Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 04/10/2023 19:08

ildaogden · 04/10/2023 19:03

Hi my dd dropped out of college after about 4 months, she basically made a mistake in choosing the wrong course. She found the work too hard and was so stressed every day she didn't make friends.
She got a part time job for a while and then returned to college the following September having decided on a completely different course!
She is like a different person, enjoying the work and has made a few friends ( this has helped a lot).
They can stay at college till 19 so all is not lost yet. I know quite a few students who have done this. She is so much more mature now in her attitude to study.
I was v worried at the time, her dropping out but it's worked out for the best.

@ildaogden thank you, that's really good to hear .

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EffinMagicFairy · 04/10/2023 19:14

My DS dropped out of A-levels after a year, tried a vocational subject at College and worked, went back to a new set of A-levels full time, now in 2nd year and is back on track, he’s in his 4th year of study since leaving school. He’ll find his way, just hasn’t found the right path yet.

crumpet · 04/10/2023 19:15

There should still be time to move to a more vocational course if that might help, but you’d need to start having conversations with the college quickly

DarkChocHolic · 10/10/2023 11:41

@Bringbackthetoddlers
Hope things are going OK with your DS!
Xx

Original poster

Bringbackthetoddlers · 10/10/2023 21:28

Aw thanks @DarkChocHolic 😊

Sadly we're in much the same position. Some good, some bad days, with the added complication that his dad and I are of different opinions as to how best to manage it.

I think he should go to the gp and get signed off to get college off his back and give him some breathing space to catch up and/or apply elsewhere. DP thinks he should basically be made go in every day and face everything head on as it's only going get harder, the more he misses.

Ds is not making the best choices in terms of not reaching out to his teachers, or following through with things. But then he isn't feeling listened to and was ignored for 2 days when he did reach out, so I can kind of understand his reluctance!

I think he's got some self esteem issues to do with undiagnosed dyslexia and now being in an alien environment has really unnerved him. Just wish he could be brave enough to keep trying to find someone to support him in the college.

Feeling like a big old mess tbh, but we're just about to chat it all over together. I think it needs to be his choice at the end of the day - finding this stage really hard! When to step back and when to intervene. Hate it.

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Starlightstarbright2 · 10/10/2023 21:45

My Ds swapped courses a week ago . Like a different child ..

he has a month of work to catch up on but has the enthusiasm to do that . It really has been a bit of a journey .. pastoral support should seek him out but he needs to get himself there for them to do that

opstopop · 10/10/2023 22:45

Bringbackthetoddlers · 03/10/2023 20:26

How are you getting on with your dd @LadyHag? DS has come down with a stinking cold which isn't helping. He just seems so lost, freaks at all the work he has to catch up on, but then has a big arrogant streak, and has a complete Kevin and Perry moment where it's all pointless, everyone else's fault and it's all just so unfair that he has to do anything at all!
But he keeps saying it's not just college - he seems really down about life in general, is now not liking the thought of any alternative. Torn between worrying he's getting depressed and wanting to give him a kick up the backside

I think this is such a hard age. It's like still feeling like a child, but you are on the cusp of adulthood with all the responsibilities that entails. It's daunting.

I was in this situation as a teen and begged my sixth form at my old school to take me! I was very happy from once I'd gone back on.

Is this an option for your DS?