Close to dropping out of college

[Bringbackthetoddlers]

DS17 has just started A levels and hates the college here goes to. He's been genuinely ill but skipped some lessons too, hates his timetable, and hasn't made any friends.

I don't really know why it's gone so badly, it's a good college. Tbh I think he surprised himself (and us if I'm honest) that he actually got the grades to go. We thought we'd be automatically into finding something else for him to do. He's fairly adament he doesn't want to continue but has no idea what he does want to do. But he's not helping himself by not turning up to lessons.

There's been lots of miscommunication, as well as some mishaps that haven't been his fault, but I'm so worried he's going to get kicked out, and then what happens? Trying to arrange a meeting for him with his tutor, but the communication has not been great on both sides! I just feel like I'm watching a car crash unfold. Gah, sorry. Just needed to moan I think, so I can get some sleep!

Thanks both.

@Starlightstarbright2 he does indeed need to get himself there to access support and unfortunately I think his pride is getting in the way. He's worried people will judge him. That and the feeling that nobody cares and hasn't listened when he has tried. But that was just one person and I'm finding it hard not to get annoyed with him writing everyone else off.

@opstopop I'm not sure that is an option - he was having issues in the final year in anycase but just managed to scrape through. We did think a fresh start somewhere else would be good for him. Plus they only do A levels and we're in the most indecision around whether they're right for him, or whether he should do something else entirely. Such a lot to unpick. We have just had a big chat and he seems most comfortable with the idea of seeing the gp, because it is affecting his self esteem and mental health, and it might buy him some time to catch up with work/lessons at home and look at other options. Dp thankfully is onboard with that too, and I'm going to help make an appt tomorrow, so that's some progress! I can feel a meeting with college is on the cards in any case, due to more non-attendance, so we'll tackle that when it happens and just take each day as it comes I think.

Thanks for the posts and support, really appreciate it. 🧡

OP
Sorry to hear things are still hard.
Is there any way you could speak to college? Either to let them know he is struggling and ask what help they usually offer. Also, is there a possibility to change subjects like a PP said?

I know it's MN view that at this age they must do it all themselves.
Truth is, many DC like ours simply cannot. It's all too much for them.
Whilst they will fight our help, they will also be grateful when we step in
I have contacted school many times this year and told the staff DD is struggling.
She isn't happy about it, but she grumbles less.
I hope you and DS get a break somewhere.
I completely get how difficult the whole thing is and how much of a headspace it takes.
Hang in there. Xx

I think I would ring the college as well and ask to speak to someone ASAP. See if you can organise a meeting with you, him and someone appropriate at college. Explain how tough he's finding everything and see if they can offer a bit more support rather than a stick all the time.

In terms of making friends and the long breaks, are there any clubs he can join to meet people and break up the day a bit? I can see a 3 hour gap is a long time, but equally at some colleges that could be break, one lesson, lunch - some colleges have quite long lessons to allow for practical sessions in some subjects.

If he could join a lunch time activity or similar it might help break things up and give him something to look forward to?

Thank you, yes, all good suggestions. He's going to see the gp tomorrow and we've got a meeting lined up with college. I think I want to see what the gp says before I do anything else, as want to know whether he just needs a complete break for a bit, or if he needs pushing with a bit more support. I know it's ultimately a resources thing but I feel so bad for him, I've had lots of good support at work when I've had a bad time of things, and the right support really helps!

I had very similar when I was at college. I was at a college about 3/4 of an hour from home with not great public transport (the college had their own coaches in the morning and afternoon) but I found it so demoralising going I for a class at 9am for half an hour then having nothing until 2pm. I even picked up a 4th a level because I was so bored. All my other friends who went to the same college did different classes so I had no company.

I lasted 6months until u left in tears and didn't go back. I got an apprenticeship which then got me into uni . Best decision ever. Definitely support him to look for alternatives.

I am just wondering how this panned out. I've a similar teen, hates sixth form, hates the idea of any other option. He's hanging on but it's causing great stress in our household.
I think it's like the GCSE bus was powering along and has now crashed.

Oh @LarkspurLane I know what you mean about the gsce bus crash. We're not really any further forward sadly. He saw the gp who has supported him in being off for a couple of weeks. College has backed off because it's half term, but I honestly don't know how best to help him turn things around. He's determined he's not going back but doesn't yet have a plan b, and doesn't seem to be trying much to sort one out 😬
I've found him a superb apprenticeship to go for but he doesn't seem interested in that either! All the stress and anxiety seems to have disappeared, but he's doing my head in!! Just can't work his attitude out. Think he might have to have a big crash then pick himself up from there, when he realises there is no magic money tree!

All his mates are now on half term so he's more interested in going out with them of course, but I've made him promise to be around tomorrow to write a cv at least. Wish me luck! We've been firm there'll be no money for going out if he's not actively doing something to find something else, which he seems accepting of.

Hope your son hangs on in there. I just can't relate to the mindset at all, I do wonder if it's all a knock on effect from covid, but it's driving me nuts, whatever it is.

Oh, I'm sorry it's so hard.
My DS has said he wants to stay in school but he is often late and super unmotivated and getting into low level trouble like never before. He often describes things as being so easy that they are hard, and this has finally led to me seeing if we can get an assessment for ADHD.
I definitely feel mine is not grown up enough to make an active choice of what he wants to do. He also wants to hang out with friends and do the typical random stuff that teens should be doing.
He's like a lot of 16/17 years old, just treading water til the right thing comes along - however, not quite managing to tread water so it makes the whole parenting thing terrifying!
Good luck.

Sorry to hear you are still struggling.

I don’t know if it will help at all .. I found with my Ds .. I expected him to find something . I told him look at college courses - he had no option to do nothing .

I told my Ds he needed to be in education whether an apprenticeship or education until he was 18 .. he accepted this .. I backed off any advice but it was on him ..

just asked him what have you found . Jumping courses . If he doesn’t do it after half term he will lose a year .

other thing .. do you think actually getting a job and considering education in September again might be an option ?

You need to get him some proper professional careers advice urgently. Try this ..
https://www.morrisby.com/

Hi op, just wanted to offer a hand hold. I'm in a similar position with my DD. She's already changed course once at college and is now in a course which she's really good at but isn't happy. Her timetable also has huge gaps where she has to hang around on campus for hours at at time. She suffers with social anxiety so this is a nightmare for her. Like your DS, my DD just has no passion for anything and has no idea what she wants to do with her life. She's tried to get an appointment with the careers adviser but they're booked up for months. Things reached a head last week when she was refusing to get up and go to college (she was already at just a 65% attendance). I emailed her tutor who put me in touch with the mental health and wellbeing team at the college. We were in touch quickly by email before they broke for half term. I've spoken to DD about some of the measures they can put in place to help her (such as giving her a quiet place to use between lessons) but she's already dismissed it. She's like a different girl this week while she's away from the college and I feel so torn about making her go in to college if she's unhappy but equally I just don't know what she'd do as a job if she were to drop out. I need to have another conversation with her about what happens on Monday but dreading it as she's in such a good place this week.
Anyway, sorry for the long reply. So much of your post resonated with me and I wanted you to know you're not alone and neither is your DS.

Thanks for all the replies though sorry to hear of others going through it. It's easy just to see the world through your own lense, but I do worry this is some sort of epidemic - hearing in the news about highest ever levels of non-attendance in schools. Just what is going on for our young people? Are they just so despondent by the state of the world at the moment? How do we inject a bit of positivity and motivation?

I left education at a similar age opting for full time work instead. I'm now early 30s and a mature student at uni. I'd probably have gone back slightly sooner had I not had my DC. Either way I know for me, it was the right choice and I don't regret it. What I would have studied at that age is not something I believe I'd have still enjoyed now. I also have a good amount of life experience and a few years of true thought on what I want to do. Maybe your son will be the same?

Thanks @ThickSkinnedSoWhat it's nice to hear some positive outcomes!

That was the main reason that I thought I'd share with you if I'm honest. A lot of people I knew were pressured to continue education straight after high school or life was essentially over. Part of the reason I have finally gone back is so I can tell my own DC when older that if things don't work out when younger, it is never too late to go back!

So I hope I've made you feel the same. If he chooses to leave now for whatever reason, there is nothing to say it will never be something he will go back to. In my case, I left in AS levels. Did an access course part time in the evenings for 2 years (was 1 year if you went day time full time) and that got me what I needed for uni. Or as others have said, there is always apprenticeships etc. He is so young, if he needs time to work out what he wants to do then I'd just support him, as I'm sure you will. Apprenticeships if sitting writing essays all day isn't for him etc. Wishing you both the best of luck whatever he decides to do :)

Thank you @ThickSkinnedSoWhat

Really appreciate that.

Searching for others going through what I am with DD at the moment, big hugs to everyone struggling. She hates the sixth form she’s at, she’s been a different person in the holidays but this morning it was tears and worry again. I’ve tried phoning different colleges to see about transferring but not had much luck so far. You’d think they’d allow it if the child is willing to put the work in. She’s not missed any lessons it’s the social side of things she’s not enjoying.

Thinking of you Asparagus1. My DD is back to college today after half term and it's been another difficult morning.

Sorry to hear things are so hard for some of us!
No wise words but just offering solidarity.
We were away on a sunny holiday and DDs mood was good (most of the time)
Which made me think it is studying and school that is depressing her...
I am fine with her not being an academic but then she isn't...she wants good grades and go to uni but then doesn't like studying.
Not sure how to explain the world doesn't work like that 😞

Ah it's a nightmare alright. Big hugs all round!

DS has been off for half term and it's now study week so he doesn't have to go in, but hasn't made any appointments to see his teachers as he doesn't know what to say to them, because he knows he doesn't want to stay! He's made rather half-hearted attempts at looking at another college but he only wants to do that if his friend goes there 🙄. I forced him to call the national careers service today, but they haven't really told him anything he doesn't already know. They did sell the benefits of A levels keeping more doors open if he doesn't really know which direction to go in, as opposed to an apprenticeship which might narrow things down. But ultimately I don't think he believes he's capable of doing the work necessary in studying. He's just stuck in indecision.

I think he would put effort into finding work/apprenticeship if he felt free to pursue this. I'd be happy to support him if he wanted to volunteer somewhere to gain skills (but not sure he'd have the oomph to do that and his dad wouldn't support it either). His dad is taking a very hard line and insisting he stays at college until he's got something else sorted out. Will withdraw all pocket money/phone payments etc if he doesn't. So they're both at logger heads and I feel stuck in the middle. Gah. 😩

Sorry to hear OP!
Does he have a weekend Job?
My dd is slightly happier after finding a small weekend job..
Gives her some purpose and self-esteem.
So she is moaning slightly less about school...
It's so hard knowing what to do..especially when they cannot be forced into anything at this age.
Xx

I know. I think sooner or later the decision is going to be made for him by the college!

Well done on your dd for finding a weekend job! That's awesome. Hopefully it will help her feel the benefit of hard work! Ds is the same really - he said to the adviser that he doesn't want to be stuck in a dead-end job, but neither does he want to study. It's like pulling teeth.

Just a little update on my daughter, one of the colleges left me a voicemail yesterday and it sounds at though it will be possible for her to transfer there. He is going to ring me later today to discuss more. I’m a little apprehensive about her changing, she will go from a 10 minute walk home to an hour bus journey, but ultimately it’s her decision.

@Asparagus1
I understand your worry.
In your case she is happy with current course and subjects. Just not the social side.
It could be better/worse in the new college.
If it is y7 I would move in a heartbeat.
Considering its less than 2 years it would seem not worth the move.have a chat with her and see what she thinks.
Could she trial new place for few days and be back if it doesn't work out?
Or do you have to tell current college?

How did you get on @Asparagus1? I really hope she's found something she wants to do.

We're still at loggerheads and had a big row today. I have so much on at work at the moment, and in wider family. Not sleeping well and I really don't need a teenager mooching about, ignoring every bit advice going and telling me it's all my fault! I guess it's a stage they have to go through. I just cannot relate to it at all. I think that's what I'm finding the hardest. I'm scared for his furute and it's really upset me today. But it takes 2 to tango and I'm not feeling best proud of myself either tbh, but we have at least apologised to each other.