Gen x Mum of 15-18 teens

[Flyhigher]

Hi,
Finding it super hard to talk to my 15/16 teen girl. Any other gen x Mum’s find it hard too? Any advice? She hates everything I do. I actually feel bullied by her.

Remind me what gen x is again? My experience of 15 and 16 year olds is that they are lovely to their parents friends. Less so to their parents. Pick your battles and be consistent. Also be the adult you want to be, don’t let their hormones dictate yours!!

I'm 56. So born in the 60's and early 70's. Old!!!

Not a Gen X mum but my advice would be to not stand for that shit. It’s one thing teenagers being a bit moody or hormonal but for her to hate you and you to feel bullied? Her behaviour is not acceptable. Make sure she knows that and impose appropriate consequences for her not being respectful.

Also it doesn’t matter if you’re young or old or whatever. You’re another human being and a member of her family and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You’d be doing her a disservice not to teach her that.

She's really nasty. She wins with her hormone battle!

And what do you do when she’s nasty to you? Hormones are not an excuse for being vile.

I can't control her at all. And neither can husband. Maybe she's bipolar or autistic. Or I'm just the worst mum ever. She is so manipulative. She's also scared. But she is horrible. I hate living with her and feel she's ruined my life. Destroying relationships and friendships. She bullies me.

I tell her it's wrong and walk away. While she is so nasty. She is destroying me. She has broken me completely. I'm in the ropes while she keeps punching. And somehow I'm still there getting punched.

You're the adult - your house, your rules.

I've a great relationship with with my young adult children these days.

But I made clear when they were teenagers and being a pain in the arse - I love you and I'm here to bring you up right, but I don't need your approval or your friendship. If you don't like me very much right now, that is fine because I still love you - however you'll still do what I've asked of you whilst you live under my roof and eat at my table.

"Nasty" is quite vague. Can you give some actual examples?

I'm born 1976, I think that makes me Gen X. I have DD19 DS18 and DS14.

My take on it is - teens are generally entitled which makes them rude without realising it. They also don't realise that parents and other authority figures are normal people with flaws. That everyone has flaws. So you get that "Augh God!" Kevin and Perry tone - because they expect everything to be exactly as they want, and think that anything less than this is a personal insult to them.

To deal with it, hold boundaries of what is an acceptable way behave amd what isn't. Expect mistakes within that - because noone is perfect. Its not the end of the world if your DD to be rude/nasty about something every now and again. Your expectation would be that she realises she was rude/nasty, accepts that this wasn't unacceptable, and commits to not do it again.

If she's repeatedly bring nasty, I'd suggest you're not holding firm enough boundaries to talk with her effectively after the event and understand the impact of her words/behaviour. You have to shift from a "because I said so" parenting style to one of discussion, compromise and negotiation.

I don't think I will get over this beating she's given me. She shouted about being asked to try on school shoes.

I have tried. She just is vile. I say nasty so as not to put her down too much. It's angry vicious hatred. She turns viciously on me.

It’s not your job to control her, she’s too old for that. But it’s your job to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and to enforce appropriate consequences for her behaviour. I assume you’re giving her money and paying for her phone etc? That could all stop. Similarly I would refuse to drive her anywhere or to facilitate her social life if she is being so vile to you.

You're language is very sensationalist and emotional Flyhigher

Assuming you have just had a big argument right now - I'd suggest the initial responce is for everyone to calm down.

You won't be able to take in any rational discussion, neither will she. Just focus on calming the mood in the house, kerp everyone safe - inc your child and yourself - by de-esculating and calming.

Leave the discussion and working things out for another day

Have a cuppa x

Can you give specific examples op? Does she physically attack you? It’s irrelevant what gen you are imo.

No one can help you without far more contextual information but you sound very defeated and like you’ve given up. I would be an angry teenager with a parent like that.

Teenagers may react dramatically and explosively but they are at a stage where they need strong role models and strong boundaries. They need parents who are immovable, know themselves and are impervious to the volatile whims and emotions of children. Strong parents deal with teenagers empathetically but without drama or indulgence.

You need to stop taking it so personally as a mother and talk to her as a young adult who seems very distressed and angry. What is she so vexed about? How can you mentor her, without judgement, and without your own insecurities coming into it?

I absolutely agree.

And your reference to her behaviour being a possible medication of bipolar or autism could offend many people.

I know it's hard. I'm 55 and have a 15yo DD. She's on a hormonal rollercoaster combined with the stresses of growing up, GCSEs, exhausting heat, Sunday night blues etc. There are rules though. And consequences. Consistency and love are the two basics I try to follow.

Tell her how unacceptable her behaviour is. How disrespectful her words are. But that you love her and give her kiss good night.

Tomorrow is another day. Try to start afresh.

I’m Gen X a year older than you OP but mine are 29 and 26. Mine were vile at 14 and 15 too, but I would have been in my early and mid 40s. I’m not sure I would have had the same resilience and boundaries if I had been menopausal and had elderlies to look after, as I am/do now. I’m not sure whether you have other things like this in your life too which add to feeling defeated?

don’t be hard on yourself, you’re doing your best and they grow out of it, honestly. Be firm, have boundaries and stick to them.

I have done all the above. She just starts on me again the next day. I am not sensationalist. It's been going on since she was 12. It's now 3.5 years on. And I cannot cope. Yes. Menopause and two sets of elderly parents. And husband shutting off to it. And she's had sex with all that entails. It's impossible to live with. And no this vile is a different level. I really don't think this is normal teen. I feel like im talking to her. Whenever I try to talk to her about anything , like try on these shoes, it's there's no need you are making a fuss about nothing. Any much worse language and words than that. Setting boundaries doesn't help. She will say sorry and do it again. Worse.

It doesn't feel it's very supportive to be told I'm sensationalist and to calm down. If you haven't experienced this. You are very lucky. And just calming down doesn't change the teen. I've been trying that for 3.5 years. It doesn't work. I came on here for some more helpful ideas. Maybe there isn't any.

I'd just like some gen x Mum’s support as it's my generation and I feel like I might be more understood. It's relevant to me. Just like teens like other teens support.

I told her how upsetting it all is. She says she has no sympathy left for me at all.

I'd just like some nice helpful supportive advice on here. Have no one to talk to.

I'm Gen X and I don't think it has any bearing on your situation. I'd say you need advice from someone who has had a difficult time with their teenage daughter.

I've been through the teenage years and they were a breeze but that's with MY children.

I feel for you but hopefully someone can share some words of wisdom.

I'm exactly the same age as you but I get on well with daughters. It's not a generational thing. It's just a communication thing. You're not the worst mum ever. It seems though things may have slid. Take her out. Tell her you are there for her. Try to draw a line and start afresh.

She won't go out with me or her dad. Just room and friends.

Also gen x with a 15 yo but I genuinely don't think your problems are generation related! Sounds like you need some real support and/or intervention.